Breaking Up (Updated)

[IronZ]

Long story short, been seeing someone for a little while. First date was great, hung out for many hours. Made out at the end of the night very passionately. Problem is, I just don't feel like it's working out. Except I think I may have lead her on a lot during the last couple weeks and she seems to expect a relationship out of it. Truth is I'm just not really attracted to her. I don't know why it was different during the first date. Maybe it was the alcohol...

 

She's very nice and I don't want to hurt her, that's why I think I should break things off now before they get too serious. But I'm not really sure how to do it. I know that in person is the best way to go, but if I tell her the old "we need to talk" line she will know right away and there's no point. If I go on a date with her and tell her then, it would be kind of cruel. I think we were expecting to go out again in a few days so I want to do this before then.

 

I was thinking I could call her during the day and explain that she's very nice but I don't see it working out. I don't know.. I've only ever broken up with one girl before and it was because she cheated on me. It was easy. I've never been the one to let someone down before. I have a good heart and I don't like hurting people so this is really eating away at me. I barely slept last night and actually woke up early this morning. I couldn't eat all day. This has got me so depressed. And during this whole time I was messaging with her back and forth trying to seem like nothing is wrong. She's been sending me cute flirty messages and I don't know how to take it. I know what it's like being in her shoes and I feel so bad about this whole thing.

 

What's the best way to do this so that I don't hurt her?

[OwMyEyeball]

Tone down the "we need to talk" angle and keep the scheduling tight.

 

Do your best to avoid stoking her anxieties, but by no means continue to keep yourself on the path of involuntary anorexia and sleeplessness. That'll just force you into the kind of irrational and callous behaviour you're trying to avoid in the first place.

 

There's only so much comfort you can offer before the other person needs to take responsibility for their own emotions. You're doing good by recognizing things early and caring enough to find the gentlest way of lettering her down.

 

Don't delay.

 

Your heart is in the right place. Everything else will fall into place.

[mightycpa]

Hurting her is a necessary byproduct of the fact that you don't want to see her. You've only been seeing her for a little while, so comfort yourself with the knowledge that you're probably not the love of her life, and she'll be fine after a short while.

[IronZ]

Tone down the "we need to talk" angle and keep the scheduling tight.

 

Do your best to avoid stoking her anxieties, but by no means continue to keep yourself on the path of involuntary anorexia and sleeplessness. That'll just force you into the kind of irrational and callous behaviour you're trying to avoid in the first place.

 

There's only so much comfort you can offer before the other person needs to take responsibility for their own emotions. You're doing good by recognizing things early and caring enough to find the gentlest way of lettering her down.

 

Don't delay.

 

Your heart is in the right place. Everything else will fall into place.

 

You're right, I shouldn't delay this. Part of me thought that maybe if I went on one more date it might either change my feelings about her or it would give me a way to tell her in person, but that would just be cruel to get someone's hopes up and take them out on a date just to dump them. I never understood that restaurant dump scene you see in movies. Why put them through all that trouble?

 

It's such a gloomy day outside too. Ugh. I'm going to call her soon and talk it out with her, try and explain things in the nicest way possible. I hope I can let her down easy.

 

 

Hurting her is a necessary byproduct of the fact that you don't want to see her. You've only been seeing her for a little while, so comfort yourself with the knowledge that you're probably not the love of her life, and she'll be fine after a short while.

 

I'm the type of person who goes "all in" with relationships and I guess she was the same way. It's only been a little while but I really feel like we connected on a deep level. She has an incredible personality and we clicked so easily. Holding hands all night, flirting, kissing.

 

But the physical side of it is important too. I think there needs to be a certain attraction in a relationship and I just wasn't getting that here. I could've kept this up for a while and pretended everything was ok but eventually there would have been a point where I would need to end it, and I don't think it's fair to drag her around until I get to that point. Better to do it now. I really hate this.

[BluEyeL]

It is a tough situation, but it's better to do it now rather than later. You can give her a call and just say that unfortunately, it seems that things fizzled for you, you think she's a great person and it's better that you both move on now rather than later.

 

Breaking up via email has a lot of bad rap, but I personally prefer getting an email that explains that things are not working out and offers to talk on the phone or in person if the dumped party wants to. I would do it this way. I'd write her an email and say you don't want to continue, and ask if she wants to talk further. This way you give her the time to think things over instead of putting her on the spot and still give her the option to talk to you on the phone or in person.

[IronZ]

Thank you for the advice, but I'd like to do this over the phone rather than email. I think she deserves better than a cold letter. I feel like we can talk to each other very easily, so although it would put her on the spot, I think it's better that we communicate the entire time and she can vent if she wants to.

 

I like your idea of what to say though. That things just kind of fizzled out for me and that it's better to end it now than later. I will say something like that to her.

[BluEyeL]

Good luck!

 

I'd prefer to be dumped by email, but I know most people don't, so a phone call shows you have the guts to do more than hide behind the screen.

 

I was dumped by phone and it was awkward for me, but maybe it was better that way.

[IronZ]

I just did it. I feel horrible. I drove myself somewhere secluded so I could just be in my own space and called her up and I had rehearsed this whole thing in my head but the second I heard her voice it all just vanished. We talked for a bit and then I brought it up. She could tell something was up because I sounded tense and a little down.

 

I told her that things kind of fizzled and that she was really amazing but I didn't want to lead her on. She took it surprisingly well, probably handled it way better than me. We decided we should still be friends since we get along very well and she isn't bothered by that. I still feel pretty bad about the whole ordeal though. I'm sitting in my room right now feeling awful.

[BluEyeL]

I just did it. I feel horrible. I drove myself somewhere secluded so I could just be in my own space and called her up and I had rehearsed this whole thing in my head but the second I heard her voice it all just vanished. We talked for a bit and then I brought it up. She could tell something was up because I sounded tense and a little down.

 

I told her that things kind of fizzled and that she was really amazing but I didn't want to lead her on. She took it surprisingly well, probably handled it way better than me. We decided we should still be friends since we get along very well and she isn't bothered by that. I still feel pretty bad about the whole ordeal though. I'm sitting in my room right now feeling awful.

She surely feels bad too. I know how you feel. But it's going to pass and know that you did the right thing to end it now, you did her a favor.

 

You'll feel better soon. It would be better to go no contact though, at least for a while. It will give her time to move on, to both in fact, it's better.

[IronZ]

She surely feels bad too. I know how you feel. But it's going to pass and know that you did the right thing to end it now, you did her a favor.

 

You'll feel better soon. It would be better to go no contact though, at least for a while. It will give her time to move on, to both in fact, it's better.

 

Yeah I understand. Our conversation through text kind of just stopped randomly and I think it's probably better if I don't keep messaging her unless she does so. I noticed little things too like she changed her picture on fb (had originally changed it to one I "liked"). I guess I can't be mad at her for moving on, that's exactly what I wanted her to do. I just really hope we can remain on good terms. It's never my intention to hurt anyone.