A NC Question

[patriciasex]

My girl (Patricia) just broke up with me. I may or may not share the details here at some point, but for now it is only important to say that she left me and for a reason that seems odd to me.

 

 

I have been writing letters to her. Not sending them, just writing them as a way of journaling my thoughts and feelings.

 

 

This woman was absolutely perfect for me in so many ways. I could write a book about her and not run out of words. Unfortunately we both have damage from the past and that makes it tough to trust – especially for me.

I feel something that goes beyond sad or depressed, but I am not suicidal and don’t want to hurt me or anyone else. It feels like I am not even on that continuum – more like on a third part of a triangle. “Numb” is part of what I am feeling, but it hurts far too much to call it numb.

 

 

I do not want to contact her again. I mean, I want back what we had, but I also know that it was not going to work. So here I am in this purgatory/hell of knowing I cannot go back, but knowing that I could possibly talk her into taking me back if I wanted. But she will cheat on me and I know this in my heart. She just does not understand what loyalty is truly about.

 

 

So my question is this – I write these letters and a part of me thinks I may send them to her one day. I know, I know, “No Contact means exactly that.” But what do you all think about writing letters that will never be sent? Has anyone else done this? Does it work?

[Seeker12]

For sure write them, not for her, but for you, get your feelings and emotions down, and you will gradually see that the way you wrote in day 1 of full and proper NC will be completely different to the way you write in day 15 of NC. Writing is very therapeutic, it allows the human to physically see their emotions albeit in a written format, instead of having it all internalised and in a sense, less tangible. You write what you need to write, vent, and put it away, thats the set of emotions, doubts and feelings dealt with.

 

Will she care if you send them to her? 70-90% no if shes the dumper the only time she will probably feel something is because she is emotionally hurt aswell, but thats mainly selfish reasons, will it make you look needy and unattractive as well as very desperate 100% yes, unfortunately these letters may look like they are the immediate solution, but they arent. In a possible scenario, you may and could send them a month later and see what happens, but be prepared for the worst instead of hoping for the best, another scenario is you send months and months later, but thats really high risk, she probably wont care, or itll bring everything back to her meaning the memories which the chances are too low, and by that time youd have moved on. Write for you, she broke up with you remember? Go NC and leave it at that.

Edited November 6, 2014 by Seeker12

[Zard0z]

I wrote a letter. Looking back it was a mistake I guess. I wrote about some of my flaws and tried to clear some things up about my career goals. I told her what I was ready to do to fix things.

 

She responded in a friendly way, but told me those werent the reasons she broke up with me (she ignored the bit about my career goals). She said she'd remember the relationship as passionate, warm, and fun. But, thst she had no regrets.

 

Looking back... it was too soon. She hasn't contacted me since then and shes getting pretty close to her rebound

 

I still wanna get back in touch with her a few months down the line, since there really wasnt any bad blood.... we'll see.

[jackinthebox1]

NEVER EVER EVER SEND A LETTER

You may think that getting your thoughts down works but all they read is blah blah blah weak man blah blah get back with me.

 

Just do the opposite of what your heart wants. And you need to stick to NC now, you can't try again unless she contacts you

[Zard0z]

Yeah, in retrospect I made a lot of mistakes. None too serious though, I think.

 

But she made some as well, she sent me mixed signals holding my hand and resting her head on my shoulder after we saw a movie together. She told me she had a blind date earlier that night and it was bad.

 

But then she ended up liking that guy. So, I was confused and thought I should try to giver her my side.

 

And I think its fine after two months or more of NC. Theres no set in stone rule here.

Edited November 6, 2014 by Zard0z

[Zard0z]

I honestly think she'll give me some slack because my brother had gone through a suicide attempt a few weeks after the breakup. So she knew what kind of mood I was in.

[mightycpa]

I wrote letters, hundreds of them. Thousands of pages (handwritten). They started out as pitiful pleas to know WHY (along with my declarations of undying love), and ended up being a thorough analysis of us, of her, of me and of love in general. By the time I wrote my last letter, I was a friggin' expert in all of it.

 

I really got to know myself well, and as a result, I never made a mistake in a relationship ever again. Sure I did some ****ty things to girls after that, but I never had any regret that "gee, I wish I hadn't done that". I saw things very clearly as a result of my letters, and I also ended up with a very good idea about what I wanted and didn't want in a woman.

 

I avoided marrying some women because of that, and it helped me select the people I wanted to stay in relationships with.

 

I never sent a one of them. I will send one, eventually. Like when I'm dead, I'll leave some instructions to send her a short note to tell her how I never forgot.

 

But not in my lifetime.

[patriciasex]

I wrote letters, hundreds of them. Thousands of pages (handwritten). They started out as pitiful pleas to know WHY (along with my declarations of undying love), and ended up being a thorough analysis of us, of her, of me and of love in general. By the time I wrote my last letter, I was a friggin' expert in all of it.

 

Spoken like a true CPA! Thanks brother. I have done the same exact thing - although my page count is not nearly as impressive. I have a dozen or so letters that run 10+ pages. After a while it just starts flowing.

 

I too feel like I understand things better - but instead of giving me comfort it has made me wary of women. I now realize how dangerous women are to men. Not all women, I know. But on average, women in this culture are very very dangerous.

 

I lost my entire life's work to this woman's whims and it was backed up by her family and the court system. Ultimately our children will sympathize with her for being a "poor single mom" when SHE is the one who made that happen.

 

I am curious about what you learned along the way. I will not post my lesson here because men are not allowed to be honest about such things publicly. But I would like to hear what you have to say.

[Leroy82]

Writing is very therapeutic. Buy all means, do it and as much as you can. But never ever send them. It will only make you look a like creeper. One day you will look back at those letters and say "what was I thinking". And you'll realize who much you've grown as a person. Because your emotions are constantly changing thus so are the perceptions of your relationship and break up. So sending those letters will only hurt you!!

 

Also, sorry for your pain but your woman was NOT "absolutely perfect for you" if she was you would not be here, would you? You need to change how you think regarding that relationship.

 

Take comfort in knowing you're not alone. A year ago I was a broke man saying and thinking those same things. But as you work on yourself the pain will be less and less. Then, your heart will know what you brain already knows. That she wasn't perfect for you.

Edited November 6, 2014 by Leroy82

[mightycpa]

Spoken like a true CPA! Thanks brother. I have done the same exact thing - although my page count is not nearly as impressive. I have a dozen or so letters that run 10+ pages. After a while it just starts flowing.

 

I too feel like I understand things better - but instead of giving me comfort it has made me wary of women. I now realize how dangerous women are to men. Not all women, I know. But on average, women in this culture are very very dangerous.

 

I lost my entire life's work to this woman's whims and it was backed up by her family and the court system. Ultimately our children will sympathize with her for being a "poor single mom" when SHE is the one who made that happen.

 

I am curious about what you learned along the way. I will not post my lesson here because men are not allowed to be honest about such things publicly. But I would like to hear what you have to say.

 

Yeah, well, I wrote for years, so it adds up, you know?

 

What did I learn? I learned how to tell myself the truth. That was harder than it sounds. I learned to keep my eyes open. I learned how I made most of my mistakes by being timid and not opening up. I learned that I didn't really know her all that well, how we felt intimate, but we really weren't. I learned about all the stuff I did wrong, what I should have probably done, and I learned that nothing would change unless I put my insights into action. So I did.

 

I was so hurt by her, that I never feared rejection from anybody else. Nobody else could ever hurt me like that. It was a blessing in disguise. I dated way above my league, and girls fell in love with me right and left. I could fearlessly be myself. That was a lesson in and of itself, and when it counted, when I found that person I wanted to marry, I did it all exactly right. And I had a ton of fun kissing all those female frogs, looking for my "princess."

 

I got lucky, I guess. I didn't distrust anybody, I never thought that she had evil characteristics or projected those characteristics on anybody else. It just happened, and mostly because of me. I never really blamed her, and I forgave myself. Hell, after reading what I wrote about me, I realized I was nothing special. I'd probably have broken up with me too. I learned to own it.

 

I'll tell you something else.. they aren't dangerous, you're dangerous to yourself. Don't put it on the women. Very few are out to get you. Some may be selfish, others fickle and some are just stupid. But how you react, it's all on you. Love is rare, so don't treat every girl like she's "the one." There's no such thing as the one. There are quite a few. Just be honest, especially with yourself. Understand the difference between "in love" and "real love" and "comfortable".

 

I learned a lot...mostly, I learned to be brave. Everybody loves brave people who put themselves out there. Be brave enough to be myself... that's what I learned.

[Jet Lag]

Understand the difference between "in love" and "real love" and "comfortable".

 

Can you please tell me the difference and what we are striving for?

[mightycpa]

In Love is when you think that the other person is perfect for you. You're crazy about that person beyond reason.

 

Comfortable is when you like each other well enough, and are like good friends who have sex. Content, not necessarily exciting, but no reason to leave. Not in love anymore, and you realize you can live without that person, you'd just rather not right now. Happy with the status quo, until somebody comes along who really piques your interest. Then you start negotiating with yourself, or you cheat.

 

Love? Who knows? Love is when you've decided that this imperfect person is the right one for you. That your life is so much better with that person than without them. That you are the lucky one. The "in love" has faded, but has not completely gone away.

 

Being in love is great. It generally doesn't last... a year, maybe two. Comfortable is nice too. Your life has predictability and stability. You're not lonely, and you get sex. Loving someone is pretty rare, I think. At least for me.

 

I think everybody should experience all of that in their life. Ultimately, you want to find love with someone, I would think. For me, it's the only thing that has stood the test of time.

[Jenmarie]

I did this too. I would write my boyfriend when we were broken up on the "Notes" section in my iPhone. (We got back together months later). It would help me cope with my feelings and it really helped. I never planned to send them to my ex either. Mostly because when we're writing down to express how we're feeling, we're usually in pain or our emotions are running high. I wouldn't want to send someone something in that situation, mostly because hurt feelings are never rational. I eventually planned to talk to him again one day, but when I was done hurting. The letters were more of just a coping way. I personally would write a letter to her when you're less hurting if you feel the need to do so. Just my 2 cents though.

[Jimmyjackson]

Write away my friend, as long as you don't send them!

 

I didn't do this when my ex dumped me but I do have a journal that I write in from time to time, I realised it was basically journal revolving around her and how much I used to be in love with her. I quickly wrote my feelings down and said that the rest of the journal will be about other things or people and not her, I haven't wrote in it since.

 

I know exactly how you're feeling but it does get better, 3 months on now and I feel so much better than what I did even a month ago. Just give it some, try not to write too much though, make sure you make an effort to stop thinking about the past.

[RedButton]

I started writing a letter, it came out with only nice things to say. I talk more about the bad things with friends and sometimes write it down but not in a letter format.

 

I may send the nice letter one day, but I'll do it when I feel confident that it won't come off as 'Please take me back' but rather 'This is a note to let you know I appreciated you and hope for the best'.

[Simon Phoenix]

Nothing wrong with writing letters. I wrote one and it was therapeutic. BUT NEVER SEND THEM! I didn't keep writing -- I just kept editing the original one and it was a progress report on my healing. I went from a 900-word original and pared it down to almost nothing. As I was healing, I had less and less I wanted to say or rehash and I finally deleted it from my computer entirely.