rtbear Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years. We live together, we have had talks about marriage and overall things are going really well. Then only time we really argue is because of my jealousy.... He started a new job a few months ago. He invited me to a company gathering and I somehow got this funny feeling that he was avoiding one of his female colleagues, which was weird because he was not like that with the others. I snooped and found emails between them from two separate occasions. It was nothing inappropriate but a bit too playful on his part, mostly conversation about their day, his commute to work, our cats, etc. I confronted him about it; he was very angry at first and said that he was only chatting. I explained to him that it bothered me because I would never just text or email one guy from work (even though I could) because I am afraid that they will get the wrong idea. In my mind, I don't want to appear like I am flirting or doing something I shouldn't be when I'm in a committed relationship. He is my best friend and if I have some time to spare, I would much rather text or email with him. He promised to stop the non-work communication and it did. I know that I shouldn't be checking up on him, but the truth is that really hurt me and I haven't been my self since I found out about the emails. I've also cried on random times in front of him because it upsets me when I think about it. He told me to let it go and I couldn't. A month ago, she asked him to go out to the field with her for work. He didn't tell me but I found out. I asked why of all the people in his company, he's the only one she wants to go with. His answer was everyone else was busy and he doesn't want it coming back to him -- that he didn't help when she asked. So they went and he had a huge argument. The other day, I noticed this same girl texted him right around he was getting off of work. There were 3 text messages and when I checked his phone, they were gone. I am no longer going to confront him because I just want to see how things play out. I am also aware that the texts may be absolutely nothing and he's deleted them because he wants to avoid another waterworks. I'd like to know what your thoughts on this. Am I wrong to feel to feel this way? Should I just let it go? We've invested a lot in this relationship. I know he will never cheat on me, but I also know he likes the attention he gets from other women; he can be a flirt. I guess I do like the attention I get from men too but I am way more careful on how I handle myself around them. Someone told me flirting is harmless, but I obviously have some issues with that. Am I overreacting? Do I need to cool it? Or do I have any reason to be acting like this? We did not have friends of the opposite sex since we've been together. Your thoughts are appreciated. I could really use some help. Thank you.
smackie9 Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 You need to get a grip on your jealousy. Jealous eyes make things look like things they are not. You said he is the flirty type....well why are you dating someone that has this personality trait? For the last 3 years you have been stifling his flirtiness, It's no wonder! what makes you think he would stop it....it's ridiculous. You can't control him, he is going to do it in secret now thanks to your jealousy.....you are dating the kind of guy if you can't handle it....as far as I'm concerned you are now on borrowed time. 1
d0nnivain Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 As long as their interactions are work related or G rated, you need to find a way to not be crazy about this. Can you ask to be included in an after work thing so she can see you & him together? Maybe that will cool her pursuit. I have a few male colleagues that I turn to for work related assistance & vice versa. We talk at odd hours. It's rarely personal (i.e. feelings) but one recently broke his arm so we do talk about his health; another had somebody close pass away & he is grieving so I'm actually going to have lunch with him on Friday. Occasionally we trade gift giving tips; as in do you think my spouse would like this or wanna see what I got my spouse for a gift? None of this behavior is an affront to my husband. Many of these guys often joke -- especially to my husband -- "I love your wife, she saves me so often" when I do certain work for them. They pay me. Again it's not romantic. It's work but if my husband was paranoid I could see somebody like that getting nutty over this behavior. Keep your eyes & ears open but don't accuse your BF without more. Make sure he feels comfortable talking to you when they do interact at work. If he has to hide it because you will go ballistic if she was in a group that ate lunch together him sneaking around & you "discovering" it will make you even more crazy. 2
anna121 Posted November 6, 2014 Posted November 6, 2014 One comment I found striking in your post was that if you had time to talk or text to someone it would be him. Clearly implying that he should feel the same way. How do you feel about his having acquaintance/friendships with women other than you? If you can't deal with it, but he doesn't feel the same, over time he will come to hugely resent you. Also, you are clearly spying on him on a regular basis. He seems to have resigned himself to that, but I find that dynamic very unhealthy. 1
todreaminblue Posted November 6, 2014 Posted November 6, 2014 G rated conversations should not be an issue.....if he starts texting while you are kissing..... g rated conversations might become an issue......how i look at it is you have to trust in his character because over years of being together interest will be shown by other women for him and other men for you, and if he can talk about it openly without having to worry about you keeling off into some mad fit of jealousy ....these sort of situations can be a non issue..... your relationship doesnt have to affected..... i wouldnt let it fester if i were you......my suggestion is that you say to him ....i apologise for my over reaction but it really did upset me more than it should i guess.....i dont want you to feel like you cant talk to me i dont want there to be secrets(it is starting by him deleting messages....do not point this out directly because it could turn confrontational, but you are starting to spy on him......thats not good) ...i promise in future that i wont react the way i did .so how about we do a rewind and start again........i trust you, i really do and dont want this to affect our relationship or your trust in me or telling me whats going on........that is exactly what i would say....i also wouldnt check his phone again to allow trust to grow, i would trust that we were progressing with being open and honest..be gentle calm and honest......i wish you well with this and hope everything turns out ok for you and for him....deb 1
Fondue Posted November 6, 2014 Posted November 6, 2014 The more your jealousy and insecurity take over, the more you're going to push him away. Honestly, that's how it works. Your bf will become resentful that you don't trust him or simply dislike that he has co-worker friends. Reverse the roles for a second. Would you be happy if your boyfriend was upset with you for having a male colleague? I have a few female co-workers that I know quite well and hang out with after work. We have great friendships. These people are awesome. If my gf started to have issue with this, I'd have issues with HER. And guess what? It is nothing but platonic between us. Also, spying on his phone and email? I would come clean to him about that. Please let him know that you've been doing this. This screams trust issues and he should know about it.
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