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Does dating a man while seperated really make you the OW?

prettyeyes87

By prettyeyes87
in General Relationship Discussion

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prettyeyes87 Established Member

prettyeyes87

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Or is it considered an affair? I know that it still isn't good. Just wondering.

purplesorrow Established Member

purplesorrow

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Or is it considered an affair? I know that it still isn't good. Just wondering.

 

Isn't that the same thing? Is he really getting a divorce?

central Established Member

central

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If he's separarted with intent to divorce - and not with intent for reflection and reconciliation - then you're not the OW and it's not an affair. (This may vary in some states, but is generally true.) He is free to pursue whomever and whatever he wishes - his only limitations are some legal constraints (mostly financial) including the inability to marry until his divorce is final.

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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I never felt like the OW in that scenario.

 

There is a risk that the separated person will go back to their spouse or that you are a rebound after a bad marriage.

 

I would make sure they are living apart before I got involved.

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Arieswoman Established Member

Arieswoman

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prettyeyes87,

 

There is a risk that the separated person will go back to their spouse or that you are a rebound after a bad marriage.

 

I would make sure they are living apart before I got involved.

 

Not only this but make sure they are out of the marriage for over a year before you get involved with them.

I dated two men that were both divorced and out of their marriages just under a year and got burned both times.

One was still sleeping with his ex-wife :eek: and the other suddenly decided he "wanted to make another go of it".

 

They think they are ready for a new relationship, but they aren't.:rolleyes:

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central Established Member

central

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prettyeyes87,

 

 

 

Not only this but make sure they are out of the marriage for over a year before you get involved with them.

I dated two men that were both divorced and out of their marriages just under a year and got burned both times.

One was still sleeping with his ex-wife :eek: and the other suddenly decided he "wanted to make another go of it".

 

They think they are ready for a new relationship, but they aren't.:rolleyes:

 

That was bad luck! I met my wife about a month after separating from my ex. It depends on individual circumstances.

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prettyeyes87 Established Member

prettyeyes87

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If he's separarted with intent to divorce - and not with intent for reflection and reconciliation - then you're not the OW and it's not an affair. (This may vary in some states, but is generally true.) He is free to pursue whomever and whatever he wishes - his only limitations are some legal constraints (mostly financial) including the inability to marry until his divorce is final.

 

Well in my situation when we first became friends with him again he was separated but hadn't really thought of divorce yet. But before we started "dating" (I just consider us friends at the time) he was def talking about it and kinda moving towards.

 

FYI I'm in NC with him and don't plan on breaking it or trying to be his friend. I just really need to see myself and accept my blame so I first need to know if it was an affair so I can accept it and move forward.

jellybean89 Established Member

jellybean89

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Did his soon to be ex know about you? Was she dating? Did he live in the marital home? Did he hide your relationship from people? How long had he been separated prior to "dating"? Were you the first person he dated since the separation?

 

If she knew, and she was dating others, and he wasn't living with her, and the relationship wasn't a secret, then it wasn't an affair, in my view.

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prettyeyes87 Established Member

prettyeyes87

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Did his soon to be ex know about you? Was she dating? Did he live in the marital home? Did he hide your relationship from people? How long had he been separated prior to "dating"? Were you the first person he dated since the separation?

 

If she knew, and she was dating others, and he wasn't living with her, and the relationship wasn't a secret, then it wasn't an affair, in my view.

 

Yes he told her he had been spending time with his friend and told her my name. I have no idea if she was dating and according to him he didn't know either. The home was his long before he met her so since she wanted the separation she packed up and had to leave. No he did not hid our friendship, wanted to bring our kids together( his daughter is 12 and could very easily tell her stepmom and family about me), he begged me to go out to all different kind of places but I always declined.

 

One time I asked how would he feel if one of his family members saw him out with me he said he didn't care. He had just became separated when we first started talking again and then for about a month once we started "dating". As far as I know I'm the first person but we have been friends before in the past before he met his wife and had liked me a lot then but I turned him down. I do know that his wife was not happy and did not like his being friends with me. It may be a factor in why she wants him back.

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prettyeyes87 Established Member

prettyeyes87

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Another reason I'm worried this was an affair is because his wife is pretty upset about our friendship. She kept reaching out to me, wanting to know everything that happened between me and him but she does confirm they were separated. He did not lie to me about that. I don't want to talk to her because I feel whatever she needs to ask she should ask her husband. And I could tell it wouldn't be a friendly convo either. My sister says that it wasn't an affair and I don't really owe an explanation but another friend told me it's not going to help their marriage if I dont "ease" her fears and talk to her.

Goodbye Established Member

Goodbye

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In my opinion, it is risky business (for you) but doesn't make you the OW IF he separated and has a divorce in process AND if his spouse is in agreement. I was separated for almost 3 years before my divorce was final and I did date occasionally and my exH did as well.

 

 

Don't mistake the mistake I did. Confirm that a divorce is in the works. If it isn't, and it is an open marriage arrangement, get confirmation from the spouse...not sure how to do that, but a worthwhile endeavor.

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amaysngrace Established Member

amaysngrace

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It's not an affair if the marriage is ending.

 

Did either one of them file for divorce? Because that is the only thing that tells you that the marriage is ending.

Lady2163 Established Member

Lady2163

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If everything was out in the open and you,weren't a secret, then you are not the Other Woman.

 

A couple fom things to keep in mind about his stbx: she may have been grilling you to find out what type of person could be spending time with her/their child.

 

If they were married for 12+ years and he is in a relationship before the divorce is even final, that could bother her. Was our relationship so disposable and am I that easily replaced?

 

10 years ago, the statistic was after a divorce men remarry in six months, women remarry in six years. That's a pretty huge disparity. Men may revel in single hood for the first few months, but after a while, they may miss soft towels or regular meals. Single life is just too hard and too much work. I would venture to say that most men over the age of 45-50 had wives who did more of the domestic chores and errands.

 

Not to say there aren't exceptions. The male population of this board is often very enlightened.

 

Depending on how contentious the divorce is she could be thinking, "how the hell did that slug find a girlfriend and why didn't he do these things with me?" my exhusband was the laziest man on the planet, yet he found a woman to live with long before I even thought of shacking up with someone.

 

I really don't believe you are the other woman.

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Justme19 Member

Justme19

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Or is it considered an affair? I know that it still isn't good. Just wondering.

 

I agree that it isn't an affair. I was the one that filed for my divorce. I didn't "date" or see anyone until my D was final. My exH on the other hand had a GF shortly after he moved out (as a result of my telling him I was filing). If anything- I was elated that he had someone else. It took a ton of his negative energy off of me and all I wanted was for him to be happy!

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carhill Established Member

carhill

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BTDT decades ago and learned what boils down to two aspects which define the border, for myself anyway

 

1. Living separately, and independently. An example would be the man or woman moving out of the family domicile and renting a house or apartment, or buying one, living there alone and us being able to socialize there alone and conspicuously .

 

2. Dating/socializing openly. No talk of nor restriction on movement. No hiding from friends or family. Any children get appropriate respect for and consideration of their sensibilities.

 

I've dated separated women who weren't really separated (turned out to be MW's), some who were separated and did date as a separated man a number of years ago. I've also dated a couple women who lied about being married.

 

Human relations are complex; don't beat yourself up about the details. Looks like you set some boundaries and are sticking to them. Good luck!

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violet1 Established Member

violet1

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I don't consider your situation affair because they've both confirmed the separation. I do however think you are opening a door to drama city. People in general need time to mourn the loss of a relationship, even if it was a bad one. She's calling you and asking for details? She's obviously not taking the separation well. It might not completely sink in until the divorce is final. Do you really want to do deal with that kind of drama? My other concern is that you may end up becoming the rebound girl.

 

Of course it's your life and decision, but I think you should end things until the divorce papers are signed. Once everything is finalized, you won't have the insecurity of feeling like the OW. There will also be no reason for her to contact you at the point.

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prettyeyes87 Established Member

prettyeyes87

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If everything was out in the open and you,weren't a secret, then you are not the Other Woman.

 

A couple fom things to keep in mind about his stbx: she may have been grilling you to find out what type of person could be spending time with her/their child.

 

If they were married for 12+ years and he is in a relationship before the divorce is even final, that could bother her. Was our relationship so disposable and am I that easily replaced?

 

10 years ago, the statistic was after a divorce men remarry in six months, women remarry in six years. That's a pretty huge disparity. Men may revel in single hood for the first few months, but after a while, they may miss soft towels or regular meals. Single life is just too hard and too much work. I would venture to say that most men over the age of 45-50 had wives who did more of the domestic chores and errands.

 

Not to say there aren't exceptions. The male population of this board is often very enlightened.

 

Depending on how contentious the divorce is she could be thinking, "how the hell did that slug find a girlfriend and why didn't he do these things with me?" my exhusband was the laziest man on the planet, yet he found a woman to live with long before I even thought of shacking up with someone.

 

I really don't believe you are the other woman.

 

They have only been married 3 years. They don't have any biological kids. His daughter is from a previous relationship. I am NC with him so I don't know what they are doing.

amaysngrace Established Member

amaysngrace

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I agree that it isn't an affair. I was the one that filed for my divorce. I didn't "date" or see anyone until my D was final. My exH on the other hand had a GF shortly after he moved out (as a result of my telling him I was filing). If anything- I was elated that he had someone else. It took a ton of his negative energy off of me and all I wanted was for him to be happy!

 

This is exactly how it went for me. It was perfect timing for him to finally leave me alone.

 

I don't consider that an affair either. It was already over.

MissBee Established Member

MissBee

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Is the relationship open?

 

If the relationship is open, where he doesn't have to hide that he's dating, then it's not an affair.

 

But it begins to resemble an affair if he's lying to his wife about dating or hides it or hides it from friends or other folks...then essentially you're still on the back burner living in the shadows of his life.

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dichotomy Established Member

dichotomy

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Well in my situation when we first became friends with him again he was separated but hadn't really thought of divorce yet. But before we started "dating" (I just consider us friends at the time) he was def talking about it and kinda moving towards.

 

FYI I'm in NC with him and don't plan on breaking it or trying to be his friend. I just really need to see myself and accept my blame so I first need to know if it was an affair so I can accept it and move forward.

 

 

I am not quite sure what you are saying,

 

1)If he separated with full intent to divorce...had a lawyer, paper work started, living separately from his wife, working on what to do next.... probably not an affair. Some states require seperation for a while before divorce.

 

2) If he was "kinda sorta thinking about divorce" but not resolved to it (just under some trail separation -mulling a final decision -maybe/maybe not), and you were having sex then - yes its an affair and you are the OW.

 

The fact that his wife would have been trying to contact you says she did not think divorce was the final decision yet either.

 

I think it sounds like you knew to go for NC and/or halt things. You are concerned about doing the right thing - good for you.

Edited by dichotomy
Toodaloo Established Member

Toodaloo

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No this was not an affair.

 

Rest easy you were not the OW.

Mascara Established Member

Mascara

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As I've said before, no-fault divorce in the UK requires 2 years (physical) separation plus 6 months to complete the divorce. I met my boyfriend when he'd been amicably separated for the full 2 years (living alone, openly dating) and the divorce was granted after we'd been together a few months. If I lived somewhere that allowed no-fault divorce immediately after separation, I'd have expected him to be divorced when I met him. As it was, it was obvious that he was, to all intents and purposes, single. Each situation is unique.

Elias33 Established Member

Elias33

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I started dating when I was still separated. But the intend was clear and my (ex)wife knew. I never asked, but I am almost sure she started dating at a certain point as well. It just took some time to get the divorce through. No, it is not an affair, based on the knowledge you have, or had at the time, you didn't enter this relationship with any other knowledge. A relationship ends, and starts in the heart, not on some legal documents.

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prettyeyes87 Established Member

prettyeyes87

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I am not quite sure what you are saying,

 

1)If he separated with full intent to divorce...had a lawyer, paper work started, living separately from his wife, working on what to do next.... probably not an affair. Some states require seperation for a while before divorce.

 

2) If he was "kinda sorta thinking about divorce" but not resolved to it (just under some trail separation -mulling a final decision -maybe/maybe not), and you were having sex then - yes its an affair and you are the OW.

 

The fact that his wife would have been trying to contact you says she did not think divorce was the final decision yet either.

 

I think it sounds like you knew to go for NC and/or halt things. You are concerned about doing the right thing - good for you.

Thanks. I do want to point out that I was not having sex with him. We messed around a bit but I def drew the line at sex and said that I would not sleep with him until the ink was dry. I guess it was more of an emotional thing.

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