GorillaTheater Posted November 6, 2014 Posted November 6, 2014 Great news! Until the mutilated animal corpses start showing up on your doorstep. Seriously, I hope this is one and done, and good to see you taking it well.
SoThatHappened Posted November 6, 2014 Posted November 6, 2014 Oh man, I think you're jumping the gun big time, sotoman. It's been, what, 3 days since she spider-monkied your ass and got thrown in the clink? Also, from what I've read about those with BPD, they rinse/recycle/repeat multiple times with the same person. She's VERY LIKELY not done with you. I would strongly advise taking all action possible to become a ghost to her. Block/change/remove/delete every possibly way she can contact you. Everything, phone, email, social media... I'd even think about getting a new place! 1
Author sotoman Posted November 6, 2014 Author Posted November 6, 2014 Oh man, I think you're jumping the gun big time, sotoman. It's been, what, 3 days since she spider-monkied your ass and got thrown in the clink? Also, from what I've read about those with BPD, they rinse/recycle/repeat multiple times with the same person. She's VERY LIKELY not done with you. I would strongly advise taking all action possible to become a ghost to her. Block/change/remove/delete every possibly way she can contact you. Everything, phone, email, social media... I'd even think about getting a new place! i read that BPD females keep exes on the backburner. she has always had ALOT of male 'friends' since ive known her. i have a feeling that shes likely to contact me again, and ask to be friends. in this article they say thats more likely to happen. either way, im going to disappear. im so done with her, and thanks to all you guys' help, im seeing that i wasnt the problem as she had me thinking.
Author sotoman Posted November 9, 2014 Author Posted November 9, 2014 UPDATE** thanks guys for all your help thus far... heres an update. its been a week since i got her arrested for getting violent. i feel HORRIBLE! im also missing her so much i cant hardly bear it. is this normal? so finally yesterday i broke down and gave her a call. i wanted to say that im sorry about everything and how things turned out. im not wanting to get back together, but im just wanting to say sorry. i called but no answer. she hasnt blocked my number like she used to when we had fights, but she didnt answer. i left a voicemail. later in the evening, when i knew she was at work, i sent her a text, saying that im sorry and id like for her to call me. nothing. i dont get why shes not blocking me, and yet not answering? im confused. have i been discarded? i dont know what any of this means, and im freaking out! yes i do feel really bad about getting her in trouble, because the night it happened we were drinking alot and i may have provoked her. im not sure. i go from hating her for a few hours, to missing her desperately, and back again. thanks again for the insight, everyone.
NopeNah Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 Normal for an 'abused' partner to miss the 'abuser'. Shake the crazy, man. You'll thank yourself for it. Nothing will change (longterm) in a toxic relationship. Dealing with it myself currently. 2
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 "Behind every psycho girlfriend is a man that treated her like ****" - fact. You are scared of her silence? Be quiet you want her attention & it's annoying u that u haven't got it! Why else look up when she was released! 1
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 "I'm scared of the silence" - yea alright lol stop playing the victim.. 1
stillafool Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 I thought you were in the process of getting a protective order and now you are whining because she hasn't contacted you. Please move on from this unhealthy relationship and leave her alone. If anything happens now it is your fault for calling her. I agree with the above that you really want her back and all of this is just drama. 1
veggirl Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 WTF are you sorry for? WTF are you trying to contact her for??? Good lord. Here ya go...bet this turns into make up to break up #10 or something. 2
Author sotoman Posted November 9, 2014 Author Posted November 9, 2014 Normal for an 'abused' partner to miss the 'abuser'. Shake the crazy, man. You'll thank yourself for it. Nothing will change (longterm) in a toxic relationship. Dealing with it myself currently. youre right. i guess im just going through a rough time of it. i just never had anyone arrested before, especially a girlfriend. veggirl, youre right too. it needs to end. thanks for saying what i needed to hear. she will never stop being abusive, i need to get out. so glad i can come here and get some sense talked into me in my moment of weakness! is it always this rough separating from bpd relationships?
NopeNah Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 I just know that everything is fine with my ex and myself for about....actually.. It can be a month, day, week or even hours from reconciliation to same old stuff. Its mentally and physically exhausting 'dodging bullets' so not to upset her. It's no way to live. I still miss her, but not the pressure that comes with her.
Downtown Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 Is it always this rough separating from bpd relationships?No, not for the healthier guys who have strong personal boundaries. For excessive caregivers like you and me, however, it is extremely rough. Walking away from a loved one who has emotional problems goes against our family values, our ethics, and every fiber of our being. Moreover, we quickly get addicted to the wonderful highs in the relationships -- i.e., those periods where she makes us feel like the white knight who has ridden in to save her from a life of unhappiness. Like a heroine habit, a BPDer relationship usually is highly addictive for us caregivers even though the relationship is toxic to both parties. On top of all that, BPDers usually are so convinced that their distorted perceptions are correct, we caregivers mistakenly believe that -- if we can only figure out what WE are doing wrong -- we can restore her to that wonderful woman we saw at the beginning. This perception "fog" is so well known that the abused partners have given it a name: "gaslighting." Although some other disorders result in gaslighting, BPD is by far the worst. Indeed, of the 157 disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. 1
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 No, not for the healthier guys who have strong personal boundaries. For excessive caregivers like you and me, however, it is extremely rough. Walking away from a loved one who has emotional problems goes against our family values, our ethics, and every fiber of our being. Moreover, we quickly get addicted to the wonderful highs in the relationships -- i.e., those periods where she makes us feel like the white knight who has ridden in to save her from a life of unhappiness. Like a heroine habit, a BPDer relationship usually is highly addictive for us caregivers even though the relationship is toxic to both parties. On top of all that, BPDers usually are so convinced that their distorted perceptions are correct, we caregivers mistakenly believe that -- if we can only figure out what WE are doing wrong -- we can restore her to that wonderful woman we saw at the beginning. This perception "fog" is so well known that the abused partners have given it a name: "gaslighting." Although some other disorders result in gaslighting, BPD is by far the worst. Indeed, of the 157 disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. That made me laugh... Why don't u stop trying to "save" people! "I'm a caregiver" - that's a mental problem in itself so stop trying to work on other people & work on yourself..
Raena Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 No, not for the healthier guys who have strong personal boundaries. For excessive caregivers like you and me, however, it is extremely rough. Walking away from a loved one who has emotional problems goes against our family values, our ethics, and every fiber of our being. Moreover, we quickly get addicted to the wonderful highs in the relationships -- i.e., those periods where she makes us feel like the white knight who has ridden in to save her from a life of unhappiness. Like a heroine habit, a BPDer relationship usually is highly addictive for us caregivers even though the relationship is toxic to both parties. On top of all that, BPDers usually are so convinced that their distorted perceptions are correct, we caregivers mistakenly believe that -- if we can only figure out what WE are doing wrong -- we can restore her to that wonderful woman we saw at the beginning. This perception "fog" is so well known that the abused partners have given it a name: "gaslighting." Although some other disorders result in gaslighting, BPD is by far the worst. Indeed, of the 157 disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. Oh WOW!! Your explanation of all of this suddenly makes things SO clear for me. All along my friends have told me that they really don't understand why I stayed with my ex. They always thought I was such a strong woman. Reading this makes it all make sense for me. I must be an "excessive caregiver" as well. Oddly enough, my friends always likened my relationship with him to that of a drug addict. He made me feel like I was losing my mind, that it was all my fault, that even though I'd never had anything remotely close to the same kind of incidences occur in previous relationships that it was all on me. I was the crazy one. I was the one who made all the poor choices. But the truth is so entirely different. I'm not crazy and it wasn't all on me. I was naive and I believed his lovebombing and almost started to believe that it was MY fault that he did the things he did, over and over.... because he was so good at it. I've been able to take a step back and see things a clearer (coming out of the fog) and am well aware that our relationship was very toxic.... especially in the first 5 years, not so much in the last 6. I just couldn't put words to it to explain it to other people. Unless you've been in my shoes, it's hard to understand. Thank you for that, and sorry for the thread jack OP.... but it was like a light bulb just went off for me seeing it explained like this. Also OP.... I do understand your desire to go back, in missing her. It's what sucked me in every time too. Trust me, you are better off walking away now... no matter how hard it is now, it will only get worse later on. Drop her like a hot potato and whatever you do, if you do end up being weak and going back to her USE PROTECTION!!! The last thing you'd want is to have an unwanted pregnancy that would tie you to her forever. Either way, it would be in your best interest to just end it now for good. 2
Raena Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 That made me laugh... Why don't u stop trying to "save" people! "I'm a caregiver" - that's a mental problem in itself so stop trying to work on other people & work on yourself.. What's so funny about it? It's not funny at all to find yourself in this situation and as far as I know... it's not a mental problem to want to help other people. Not everyone innately knows how to set proper boundaries, you'd think it would be easily learned but it's not... especially not if you've had poor role models growing up. It all relates to each other in the end. Whatever the case may be... recognizing what needs to be changed is the first step... but the way you worded your response is not only not helpful but downright rude.
Author sotoman Posted November 10, 2014 Author Posted November 10, 2014 thanks for the insight guys. i dont plan on giving in anymore, im starting to reconnect with some old friends, and spending time finding some old interests i had before i met her. its been a week, and no sign of her.
NopeNah Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 thanks for the insight guys. i dont plan on giving in anymore, im starting to reconnect with some old friends, and spending time finding some old interests i had before i met her. its been a week, and no sign of her. Good for you!
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