To hold on or to let go

[nextsteps]

Hello everyone, I've been lurking on loveshack reading awesome posts but this is my very first post! I am hoping you can help me with a problem I have. I'm keen to hear from men and women who are or have been in this situation not just people who have a general opinion or how they think things should be.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for 1yr and 2 months now. I am 33 and he is 44. He is the best boyfriend you ever had. He loves me, cares for me, loves my kids, patient, kind, respectful, considerate, everything.

 

The problem is that i don't feel for him how he feels for me. I don't get butterflies with him. I know that many times, those butterflies do fade and all that's left is how you both treat each other but when we met, I wasn't attracted to him like I am usually attracted to men. We worked together for a few months before we started dating and so I think I got used to him and a few drinks became a few dates to a few weekends to a few life plans.

 

I'm used to dating bad boys and was married to a lying cheating manipulative one so being with someone completely opposite to that is very strange to me.

I don't want to be one of those women who pass off on the best thing in the world just because they are addicted to the pain and drama of a troublesome relationship. I want to have a happy ever after.

 

Please help me answer this: Is it worth staying together and keep building the relationship or is it best to call it quits? Please try not to give an idealistic view on how you see 'love' but preferably your true experiences on the subject.

Thank you :-)

[BluEyeL]

I think the wise choice is to stay with someone who loves you, is stable, has great character and is a great person.

 

However, because you think that way, I'm afraid that you'll not be able to make it and you'll eventually destroy the relationship. I suggest going to therapy to see what issues do you have that make you more attracted to men who are not treating you the way this man is treating you. Maybe if you identify them, you'll be able to work on them and build a happy, stable relationship with a good man.

[Redhead14]

Hello everyone, I've been lurking on loveshack reading awesome posts but this is my very first post! I am hoping you can help me with a problem I have. I'm keen to hear from men and women who are or have been in this situation not just people who have a general opinion or how they think things should be.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for 1yr and 2 months now. I am 33 and he is 44. He is the best boyfriend you ever had. He loves me, cares for me, loves my kids, patient, kind, respectful, considerate, everything.

 

The problem is that i don't feel for him how he feels for me. I don't get butterflies with him. I know that many times, those butterflies do fade and all that's left is how you both treat each other but when we met, I wasn't attracted to him like I am usually attracted to men. We worked together for a few months before we started dating and so I think I got used to him and a few drinks became a few dates to a few weekends to a few life plans.

 

I'm used to dating bad boys and was married to a lying cheating manipulative one so being with someone completely opposite to that is very strange to me.

I don't want to be one of those women who pass off on the best thing in the world just because they are addicted to the pain and drama of a troublesome relationship. I want to have a happy ever after.

 

Please help me answer this: Is it worth staying together and keep building the relationship or is it best to call it quits? Please try not to give an idealistic view on how you see 'love' but preferably your true experiences on the subject.

Thank you :-)

 

How long have you been feeling this way? A few weeks or a few months? Feelings wax and wane over time in a long term relationship. Usually, it's just a little blip on the screen. But if it lasts for quite some time, there is something else going on in the relationship that should be addressed.

 

Things may just be "stale". I'd need a little more information. Do you feel like you are living separate lives? Do you spend too much time together? Can you see yourself living without him? Have you talked with him heart to heart about how you're feeling?

 

No one is 100% happy all the time in a relationship. Put a relationship ratio on it: were you happy 80% of the time and 20% unhappy and now it's flipped the other way or skewed differently like 60% happy and 40% unhappy? Just a little bit of another spin to think about.

 

Is he happy in the relationship? Does he show you often that he loves and appreciates you? Has that gone away or lessened?

 

You may want to consider couples counseling. Otherwise, you might try just doing somethings that are fun as a couple more often. Join a bowling league, golf, whatever. Maybe you just need some quality time together. It's a big thing you're asking and so many variables. Try something new, see what happens.

[writergal]

 

I'm used to dating bad boys and was married to a lying cheating manipulative one so being with someone completely opposite to that is very strange to me.

 

I don't want to be one of those women who pass off on the best thing in the world just because they are addicted to the pain and drama of a troublesome relationship. I want to have a happy ever after.

 

Please help me answer this: Is it worth staying together and keep building the relationship or is it best to call it quits? Please try not to give an idealistic view on how you see 'love' but preferably your true experiences on the subject.

Thank you :-)

 

As you know from your own personal experience, women stay with bad boys because on some unconscious level they believe they don't deserve to be with a genuinely nice guy. And the perception is that bad boys are more exciting then nice guys (quite the opposite can be true: I've known some wild nice guys).

 

Bad boys know how to keep women on the hook (through manipulative mind games) and sometimes that push-pull makes the bad boy unpredictable and who doesn't like a little excitement in romance?

 

The only way you can be happy in your current relationship is if you're happy with yourself. No one knows you better than you do. Are you addicted to the pain and drama of unstable romantic relationships? If you look at your own relationship history, before you married your ex, were you boyfriends before him also bad boys? Or have you ever dated nice guys?

 

Once you've been together with someone for a while, the honeymoon period wears off and real life sets in. Sometimes real life is monotonous for couples (take kids to school, come home, eat dinner, watch tv, put kids to bed, then go to bed).

 

Those butterfly feelings you say you've lost for your boyfriend can be had again. But you need to do the work to feel them again. That's why couples go on romantic weekend getaways, or surprise each other with love notes, or other romantic gestures. Relationships require work. Both people have to contribute to it, equally. But...if you weren't sexually attracted to your boyfriend when you started to date and still aren't, then there is something else going on within you that you need to explore.

 

Are you only with him as a rebound, or are you with him because you genuinely do like him and are attracted to him, even if not as sexually attracted to him as you were with your ex-husband?

[smackie9]

I understand the theory of why women are attracted to someone that will mistreat them...called the broken wing theory where you want to tame the beast with your love, it makes you feel special....it's actually the dopamine release. Anyways now that you are dating someone normal, your loss of attraction isn't because he is a nice guy, it's because you don't have enough in common. You are now past the honeymoon stage, and it's a make or breakup time. A lot of people don't get past this, and that passion is gone....very normal.

 

In order for a relationship to last the long haul is to find someone that shares interests/passions, and can introduce new exciting things to the relationship. This guy doesn't that is all. If you don't feel it, then he wasn't meant for you. I must warn you don't stay just because he treats you well....they call that settling, which you will regret down the road. You are still young and have a lot of dating years ahead of you. Now you know what's right for you, and what you need from a relationship to be fulfilled.....get it? You will find him someday.

[Thegreatestthing]

Can the soul really be satisfied with such polite affections? To love is to burn - to be on fire, like Juliet or Guinevere or Eloise.

I know how you feel I'm going through the same thing and I'm choosing to stay with the stable,supportive and very loving boyfriend rather than the one who I feel mad passion for who will probably FCk me over,it would be great if you could have both but that's not really fair on anyone.

[Michelle ma Belle]

As you know from your own personal experience, women stay with bad boys because on some unconscious level they believe they don't deserve to be with a genuinely nice guy. And the perception is that bad boys are more exciting then nice guys (quite the opposite can be true: I've known some wild nice guys).

 

Bad boys know how to keep women on the hook (through manipulative mind games) and sometimes that push-pull makes the bad boy unpredictable and who doesn't like a little excitement in romance?

 

The only way you can be happy in your current relationship is if you're happy with yourself. No one knows you better than you do. Are you addicted to the pain and drama of unstable romantic relationships? If you look at your own relationship history, before you married your ex, were you boyfriends before him also bad boys? Or have you ever dated nice guys?

 

Once you've been together with someone for a while, the honeymoon period wears off and real life sets in. Sometimes real life is monotonous for couples (take kids to school, come home, eat dinner, watch tv, put kids to bed, then go to bed).

 

Those butterfly feelings you say you've lost for your boyfriend can be had again. But you need to do the work to feel them again. That's why couples go on romantic weekend getaways, or surprise each other with love notes, or other romantic gestures. Relationships require work. Both people have to contribute to it, equally. But...if you weren't sexually attracted to your boyfriend when you started to date and still aren't, then there is something else going on within you that you need to explore.

 

Are you only with him as a rebound, or are you with him because you genuinely do like him and are attracted to him, even if not as sexually attracted to him as you were with your ex-husband?

 

Another excellent response from writergal. She took the words right out of my mouth

 

Completely agree with the above post and, as others have suggested, seek some professional individual therapy. I think you have some demons that need slaying and counselling will help you do that.

 

You don't want to miss out on a great man regardless if it's this guy or another one.

 

Do the work. Stop over analyzing things. And be grateful for the good things and good people you have in your life right now.

 

Good luck!

[nextsteps]

Thanks for your replies.

@Readhead14, he is very happy in the relationship and this is even as he knows I have doubts. He's just happy to be with me and is happy to take each day as it comes.

@writergal, unfortunately, I have always felt this way. We have great sex but I don't ever desperately want to be with him but he feels that way for me.

 

I just feel like I should be feeling more or else, the relationship is doomed. I guess I'm just wondering if those 'feelings' are necessary for a long lasting relationship. If they are not, I am quite happy to let go of that requirement.

[BluEyeL]

 

I just feel like I should be feeling more or else, the relationship is doomed. I guess I'm just wondering if those 'feelings' are necessary for a long lasting relationship. If they are not, I am quite happy to let go of that requirement.

To answer that question, why don't you start reading the book "The Science of Happily Ever After" by Ty Tashiro. It would be a good start before taking steps one way or another, and before going to therapy.

[deathandtaxes]

It sounds like you're past the honeymoon phase, OP. This is where a lot of nascent relationships founder. This new phase takes a lot of work and commitment. If you don't have it within you, get out.

[LoverOfDance]

I feel like a lot of posters are not really reading the OP's post carefully. OP was never attracted to him from the beginning. She never had any butterflies for him from the beginning.

 

If you never had butterflies, this means there was never really a honeymoon phase. OP, doesn't it feel like you're having sex with a friend? Correct me if I'm wrong. I don't know how ppl end up in relationships with ppl they have no feelings for. I honestly couldn't do that because I wouldn't have any strong desire to want to be with my partner whenever I can. I wouldn't have any desire to want to kiss him or to want to talk to him whenever I can. The relationship will feel like work to me. People say romantic relationships are hard work but I think if you really love someone and are passionate about that person and your relationship, it shouldn't feel like work. Just my opinion.

 

I'm really not sure what you should do OP cause it seems like quite a difficult situation since you've been with your bf for a while and he has developed strong feelings for you. Tbh, I think you shouldn't have gotten into this relationship in the first place if you weren't attracted to him.

[nextsteps]

@thegreatestthing, how are you dealing with the lack of 'it'? Do you hope to be with him forever after?

[Redhead14]

I feel like a lot of posters are not really reading the OP's post carefully. OP was never attracted to him from the beginning. She never had any butterflies for him from the beginning.

 

If you never had butterflies, this means there was never really a honeymoon phase. OP, doesn't it feel like you're having sex with a friend? Correct me if I'm wrong. I don't know how ppl end up in relationships with ppl they have no feelings for. I honestly couldn't do that because I wouldn't have any strong desire to want to be with my partner whenever I can. I wouldn't have any desire to want to kiss him or to want to talk to him whenever I can. The relationship will feel like work to me. People say romantic relationships are hard work but I think if you really love someone and are passionate about that person and your relationship, it shouldn't feel like work. Just my opinion.

 

I'm really not sure what you should do OP cause it seems like quite a difficult situation since you've been with your bf for a while and he has developed strong feelings for you. Tbh, I think you shouldn't have gotten into this relationship in the first place if you weren't attracted to him.

 

What you have done basically, is settled. You are doing no justice to yourself or him by staying in a relationship in which you are not happy. Relationships are work, but you want to do the work because the love is there. You love and don't mind doing the work to keep it strong. You shouldn't be working at loving someone.

[dclan]

Just because he is a nice guy, it doesn't mean he is the "right" person for you.

 

Lets see....so you dated a "bad boy" before. Thats what you like.

 

I suppose that relationship ended with the cheating, the arguments, the lack of life goals compatibility, etc. You loved being with him, but its like you couldn't bind your lives together.

 

Of course....now you are with a "good boy". He treats you nicely, you share all the life plans you always wanted.

 

The problem is that....like ReadHead14 said, in a way you might be settling.

 

I understand that your perfect someone would be:

 

A guy with whom you can have a very passionate relationship, filled with a little bit of conflict and drama to make things interesting, but that in the end of day you can count on him to give you the life you want.

 

Its hard...but that is how your special someone would be like.

[nextsteps]

@Loverofdance, you get it but no, I don't feel like I'm having sex with a friend. I feel like I'm having sex with my boyfriend and when I look at his face, I see a man I want to make love to forever.

 

I don't want to break it off because I think I will regret throwing his love away just for an opportunity with a relationship that may give me the burning sensation but will actually burn me up.

 

A friend of mine said that no one is perfect and if his only imperfection is not being exciting, better than to be with someone who'll give me something to really worry about like constantly not knowing where I stand, worrying if he's getting ready to leave me etc I've been married and dated a lot and I have always ended relationships with men who are this good to me. I'm older and wiser now and know in my head that I want to be with a stable, loving, drama free man...

 

@thegreatestthing, how are you dealing with the lack of 'it'? Do you hope to be with him forever after?

 

I don't want to let him go or make love with anyone else or see him with another woman. He understands me and very patient with my own drama and I'll have a very peaceful life ahead. I'm so confused. I just want to do what is best for us both.

[Redhead14]

@Loverofdance, you get it but no, I don't feel like I'm having sex with a friend. I feel like I'm having sex with my boyfriend and when I look at his face, I see a man I want to make love to forever.

 

I don't want to break it off because I think I will regret throwing his love away just for an opportunity with a relationship that may give me the burning sensation but will actually burn me up.

 

A friend of mine said that no one is perfect and if his only imperfection is not being exciting, better than to be with someone who'll give me something to really worry about like constantly not knowing where I stand, worrying if he's getting ready to leave me etc I've been married and dated a lot and I have always ended relationships with men who are this good to me. I'm older and wiser now and know in my head that I want to be with a stable, loving, drama free man...

 

@thegreatestthing, how are you dealing with the lack of 'it'? Do you hope to be with him forever after?

 

I don't want to let him go or make love with anyone else or see him with another woman. He understands me and very patient with my own drama and I'll have a very peaceful life ahead. I'm so confused. I just want to do what is best for us both.

 

In the end, you have to do what is best for you which will actually be best for you both.

[nextsteps]

Just because he is a nice guy, it doesn't mean he is the "right" person for you.

Lets see....so you dated a "bad boy" before. Thats what you like.

I understand that your perfect someone would be:

A guy with whom you can have a very passionate relationship, filled with a little bit of conflict and drama to make things interesting, but that in the end of day you can count on him to give you the life you want.

Its hard...but that is how your special someone would be like.

 

@Dclan, I really don't want ANY sort of conflict. I'm still vibrating from all the conflict I've had in the past. I really wanted a nice guy especially because I always regret giving up on my past nice guys just to date 'bad guys'.

 

I don't want to keep making the same mistakes, hoping for a different outcome.

[dclan]

@Dclan, I really don't want ANY sort of conflict. I'm still vibrating from all the conflict I've had in the past. I really wanted a nice guy especially because I always regret giving up on my past nice guys just to date 'bad guys'.

 

I don't want to keep making the same mistakes, hoping for a different outcome.

 

Its a very different thing to "want" something, than to be "attracted" to something

 

In fact I think that's the root of your problem. You want to be with a nice guy, because you've already had all this drama in your life...

 

Yet you are with the nicest of guys...but can't seem to be happy?

 

Ponder on that for a minute.

 

There is another thing you are not considering. And its about your "nice guy" become more what you want.

 

Sort of a river in reverse option.

Edited November 6, 2014 by dclan

[writergal]

Can the soul really be satisfied with such polite affections? To love is to burn - to be on fire, like Juliet or Guinevere or Eloise.

I know how you feel I'm going through the same thing and I'm choosing to stay with the stable,supportive and very loving boyfriend rather than the one who I feel mad passion for who will probably FCk me over,it would be great if you could have both but that's not really fair on anyone.

 

Sense and Sensibility. that movie!

 

Anyway back on topic. nextsteps it does sound to me like you are settling based on what you describe. His feelings for you are much stronger and that is not a good sign of things to come for that relationship. What if he asks you to marry him? Would you marry him out of love or security?

[smackie9]

What happens to most is there comes a day when you meet someone that you have great chemistry with, they tick off all the boxes, but you are already commited to your safe secure relationship.

 

There have been many threads "My co-worker has stirred emotions I haven't felt in years, and now I want to leave my "nice guy" BF. I'm so torn!

[Thegreatestthing]

I spend all day talking to my bf ,it's all pretty loving actually but not in a passionate way,any crises or problems in my life he takes care of and I take care of him,so I focus on that rather then the lack of big catastrophic love.

 

At night I think of the other guy (soulmate) in a big dramatic passionate way,it really fuels me.

 

it's not possible to get both things in one person, anais nin writes about this and you can look her up,she said you could never find a guy that was both stable faithful etc and mad passionate,the natures are too contridictory.

 

She had her safe banker husband Hugo that thoroughly supported her and then she had all her passion with Henry miller.

 

I feel exactly like you that I have a very nice peaceful life ahead if I stay with him and I would never give it up,but I actually don't think I could marry him now I would be betraying myself.

 

Good luck to you.

 

 

 

@thegreatestthing, how are you dealing with the lack of 'it'? Do you hope to be with him forever after?

[Thegreatestthing]

It's a great movie:),quite sad that she ended up with Brandon.

 

Sense and Sensibility. that movie!

 

Anyway back on topic. nextsteps it does sound to me like you are settling based on what you describe. His feelings for you are much stronger and that is not a good sign of things to come for that relationship. What if he asks you to marry him? Would you marry him out of love or security?

[smackie9]

I spend all day talking to my bf ,it's all pretty loving actually but not in a passionate way,any crises or problems in my life he takes care of and I take care of him,so I focus on that rather then the lack of big catastrophic love.

 

At night I think of the other guy (soulmate) in a big dramatic passionate way,it really fuels me.

 

it's not possible to get both things in one person, anais nin writes about this and you can look her up,she said you could never find a guy that was both stable faithful etc and mad passionate,the natures are too contridictory.

 

She had her safe banker husband Hugo that thoroughly supported her and then she had all her passion with Henry miller.

 

I feel exactly like you that I have a very nice peaceful life ahead if I stay with him and I would never give it up,but I actually don't think I could marry him now I would be betraying myself.

 

Good luck to you.

 

 

That's really sad this is how your view men. I know you can have both without the risk of infidelity.

[nextsteps]

That's the problem @thegreatestthing, I could never be with one man and have another on the side. Infact, I couldn't even daydream of being with another man or fantasize about another man. So maybe that's why I'm worried because when I decide to be with someone, that's it for me except my life gets really difficult with them.

 

Around the time I decided to be with this man, I was in a really happy place, single, satisfied and content then I wished I'd meet a man that was wonderful to me and completely stress free and I got just that. Now, it seems the lack of adrenaline from not having to work to win him over constantly or prove my love or struggle with him is making me doubt everything.

 

Who would have thought I'd have a problem such as this!

[heartshaped]

I think the more important question is are you happy.