moving in or moving on

[Ruby Slippers]

It's fair to ask for a little more time to think about what you want to do. It's a big decision, and there's no right answer. There are pros and cons to both options.

 

Just tell her you need X amount of time, and see if she's OK with that. Tell her you're taking it seriously and want to give yourself adequate time to make the right decision.

[BluEyeL]

Based on your history and the fact that you have trouble making decisions in every day life, I think you might be commitment phobic.

 

Until you get help, read the book "He's scared, she's scared". You'll recognize yourself. You may be in for a lifetime of repeating histories like this one, bringing pain to yourself and others.

[Els]

I wrote out a Pros and Cons list.. The pro's are all good and optimistic and the cons are mostly a reflection of my fears and neurosis. I don't have much that is "wrong" with her or moving in with her other than my own fears. Fear of not exploring enough women, fear of commitment, fear of marriage..But those could all be valid reasons.

 

The bolded stands out at me - this doesn't seem like the usual 'not ready for cohabitation/marriage at this age yet' situation (which at 26 I actually think is a valid reason). This isn't something that's going to change as you get older or the R gets more established - if it's hankering away at you now, how do you think it's going to be when you're living together or married 10 years from now?

 

If you truly feel that way, I don't think you should even be in a serious LTR, let alone living together or marrying. I think you should leave, and seek the exploration you desire. It may not turn out to be everything you imagined it to be, but at least then you would have sated that desire once and for all, and might perhaps be in a better frame of mind to commit to a LTR.

[Els]

Also, as for living together not necessarily being a big deal - well yes, and no. As others have said, not everyone intends to marry immediately after living together, some people find living together to be worth it for its own sake.

 

But on the other hand, it isn't something you can just waltz in and out of without consequence, either. You already know that breaking up is going to be more difficult in terms of leases and shared belongings. One more thing that many people don't realize is that some places have laws that recognize cohabitation as a binding legal contract in some aspects. It's usually referred to as a de facto or common law relationship, and the laws in various places run the gamut from few and minor, to treating such relationships exactly the same as they do marriage.

 

I still think you should leave this R anyway, but as a separate point, if you ever do want to move in together, be knowledgeable about the local laws.

[Comstock]

The bolded stands out at me - this doesn't seem like the usual 'not ready for cohabitation/marriage at this age yet' situation (which at 26 I actually think is a valid reason). This isn't something that's going to change as you get older or the R gets more established - if it's hankering away at you now, how do you think it's going to be when you're living together or married 10 years from now?

 

If you truly feel that way, I don't think you should even be in a serious LTR, let alone living together or marrying. I think you should leave, and seek the exploration you desire. It may not turn out to be everything you imagined it to be, but at least then you would have sated that desire once and for all, and might perhaps be in a better frame of mind to commit to a LTR.

I agree that this is a problem that seems hard to solve from staying with her. On one had I feel like I should be out sowing my oats while I'm still young, but I also know internally that doing so will quickly become hollow and I could regret it.

[Diezel]

I was once with someone who gave me the same ultimatum by Year 3.

 

By Month 6 into it, I wanted out. It cost me money to break the lease (I was being fair, it was MY decision) and it costed her a heartbreak. I "thought" I was ready for that progression. I wasn't. My heart wasn't into moving in with her 100% but I convinced myself that I was because she was putting on the pressure.

 

In hindsight, I probably should have ended the relationship before that point or told her to wait another year.

 

If you aren't 100% sure you want to do this, then you aren't ready. Trust me. I've been there.

 

And as another poster said. We were barely moving in and she was already mentioning engagements and weddings and what not. It's all a path of one thing leading to something else.

 

You think that after you two move in, she's not going to start asking about the next thing?

 

As a man that has lived a little, let me tell you, there will be other women in your life if this one doesn't stick around. You can rebound from the mistake of dumping someone. It's a little harder to rebound once you've married someone and started having kids. I don't think you need to ponder this too long and hard.

 

Another poster was right, fear is holding you back... but not the fear of commitment, it's the fear of losing her. I get the feeling you'd rather end the relationship than give into moving in with her.

 

Best of luck.

[Comstock]

I was once with someone who gave me the same ultimatum by Year 3.

 

By Month 6 into it, I wanted out. It cost me money to break the lease (I was being fair, it was MY decision) and it costed her a heartbreak. I "thought" I was ready for that progression. I wasn't. My heart wasn't into moving in with her 100% but I convinced myself that I was because she was putting on the pressure.

 

In hindsight, I probably should have ended the relationship before that point or told her to wait another year.

 

If you aren't 100% sure you want to do this, then you aren't ready. Trust me. I've been there.

 

And as another poster said. We were barely moving in and she was already mentioning engagements and weddings and what not. It's all a path of one thing leading to something else.

 

You think that after you two move in, she's not going to start asking about the next thing?

 

As a man that has lived a little, let me tell you, there will be other women in your life if this one doesn't stick around. You can rebound from the mistake of dumping someone. It's a little harder to rebound once you've married someone and started having kids. I don't think you need to ponder this too long and hard.

 

Another poster was right, fear is holding you back... but not the fear of commitment, it's the fear of losing her. I get the feeling you'd rather end the relationship than give into moving in with her.

 

Best of luck.

Thanks - I was sort of given this ultimatum at year 2 and was able to extend it to the 3rd year. I don't think she'd fly for year 4.

 

I'm definitely afraid to lose her and that's probably why I have all these mind games going on with myself. But you're right that if we moved in, and the marriage talk starts I probably would start panicking again and having doubts.

 

This sucks so much that it might end because of some abstract illusion of "time differences" and my own maturity... It probably would have been a lot easier if there was some giant rift between us, we had a big fight, or she cheated on me or something. That would made the decision more clear. But just a week ago we were happily having lunch and talking to each-other, now it's vanished.

 

I even reached out last night to see how she was doing, and I felt like melting, changing my mind and going over to her. Probably not the best idea for me to have talked to her. She honestly seems like she's handling it better than me. Seeing her friends for support, while I'm holed in my room alone refreshing this every 2 minutes and reading all these articles online.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Thanks - I was sort of given this ultimatum at year 2 and was able to extend it to the 3rd year. I don't think she'd fly for year 4.

 

I'm definitely afraid to lose her and that's probably why I have all these mind games going on with myself. But you're right that if we moved in, and the marriage talk starts I probably would start panicking again and having doubts.

 

This sucks so much that it might end because of some abstract illusion of "time differences" and my own maturity... It probably would have been a lot easier if there was some giant rift between us, we had a big fight, or she cheated on me or something. That would made the decision more clear. But just a week ago we were happily having lunch and talking to each-other, now it's vanished.

 

I even reached out last night to see how she was doing, and I felt like melting, changing my mind and going over to her. Probably not the best idea for me to have talked to her. She honestly seems like she's handling it better than me. Seeing her friends for support, while I'm holed in my room alone refreshing this every 2 minutes and reading all these articles online.

 

You're clearly afraid to lose her. Is it because you love and adore her and she enriches your life? Or is it because you are scared you won't find someone else? When someone writes how you write about her it seems like you DO love the girl, you do want to be with her. You've made it three years without exploring other women...

 

Tell me... what do you think you'll lose by living together? What do you think you'd gain? I mean the specific stuff. Are you scared you won't sleep well with her in the bed every night? Worried that you argue too much already and living together might make it worse? Are you concerned you won't be able to do the cool stuff like sit in PJs all day watching NetFlix? I really want to know why exactly this is scaring you so much. It would be easy to say 'you just aren't into her' if you weren't thinking about this so much and if you weren't afraid to lose her. But you will, if you don't take the plunge.

 

Like I say, I always rather regret something I did than didn't. If you move in and it doesn't work out, then six months later you can move out. It's hard, really hard, I've been there. But it's life. What if you don't move in, and then you spend the rest of your life regretting that you let her go?

 

I'm not trying to influence you into doing it btw. Only you can make that choice, but I'm starting to think that in general you are just incredibly indecisive or a commitmentphobe. Which is something that you really need to sort out yourself, perhaps in therapy. Because it will plague you in future relationships, not just with your current girlfriend.

[BC1980]

3 years is plenty of time to know if you want to move in together. You've been thinking about this for a year at this point, so you've had time. You are basically putting off ending the relationship. It's not really fair to her because you don't want to leave because it would be too painful for YOU. But you don't want to commit because YOU aren't sure. What about what she wants and what is fair to her? Let her go at this point because your wants are not compatible.

[dewalds86]

Moving in is a very big step. Ask me I recently moved in with my girl friend then moved out and now I have moved back again.

[BC1980]

OP, moving in for a woman often means something different, and we take it as a sign that you want to get married. Most women would much rather get married before moving in, but they accept moving in as a path to marriage that many times does not pan out. It's kind of like accepting crumbs in hopes that one day, you get the loaf and don't have to be the dreaded woman that her friends feel sorry for bc the boyfriend won't marry her.

 

Living with her will escalate your fear of commitment.

[Comstock]

Not sure if anyone really cares, but just wanted to update here.

 

I called her up today to talk about it..and we broke up.

 

I actually called with all this stuff written down that I was willing to give it a shot, and just had to be careful of a few things... And I was thinking of contingency plans if it didn't work out.

 

.. I just couldn't bring myself to actually saying that'd I'd move in. And at this point she was starting to think it wasn't such a good idea anyways.

 

I'm pretty upset about it, and we spoke for almost 2 hours. I honestly don't know if it was the right decision. I might have just done something foolish and lost a great girl. Or maybe this needed to happen.

 

Thanks again for all the advice. Ultimately I learned that a decision of this nature can't really be made with advice from others though.. Maybe a sounding board sure, but I was looking for "the answer" and that really could only be found within myself...Like I said, I don't know if it was right or not. Maybe (probably) you'll see me over on the breakup forum regretting it.

[heartshaped]

Not sure if anyone really cares, but just wanted to update here.

 

I called her up today to talk about it..and we broke up.

 

I actually called with all this stuff written down that I was willing to give it a shot, and just had to be careful of a few things... And I was thinking of contingency plans if it didn't work out.

 

.. I just couldn't bring myself to actually saying that'd I'd move in. And at this point she was starting to think it wasn't such a good idea anyways.

 

I'm pretty upset about it, and we spoke for almost 2 hours. I honestly don't know if it was the right decision. I might have just done something foolish and lost a great girl. Or maybe this needed to happen.

 

Thanks again for all the advice. Ultimately I learned that a decision of this nature can't really be made with advice from others though.. Maybe a sounding board sure, but I was looking for "the answer" and that really could only be found within myself...Like I said, I don't know if it was right or not. Maybe (probably) you'll see me over on the breakup forum regretting it.

 

If you couldn't even bring yourself to say then I doubt moving in would have been the right thing to do.

 

I'm sorry to hear things ended, but wish you luck in moving on.

[BC1980]

Not sure if anyone really cares, but just wanted to update here.

 

I called her up today to talk about it..and we broke up.

 

I actually called with all this stuff written down that I was willing to give it a shot, and just had to be careful of a few things... And I was thinking of contingency plans if it didn't work out.

 

.. I just couldn't bring myself to actually saying that'd I'd move in. And at this point she was starting to think it wasn't such a good idea anyways.

 

I'm pretty upset about it, and we spoke for almost 2 hours. I honestly don't know if it was the right decision. I might have just done something foolish and lost a great girl. Or maybe this needed to happen.

 

Thanks again for all the advice. Ultimately I learned that a decision of this nature can't really be made with advice from others though.. Maybe a sounding board sure, but I was looking for "the answer" and that really could only be found within myself...Like I said, I don't know if it was right or not. Maybe (probably) you'll see me over on the breakup forum regretting it.

 

You did the right thing. At this point, you should want to take the next step. Whatever that step is. If she was the right girl for you, that next step would be easy. You would be excited about committing. I feel like you could have been my ex, which is why I told you to let her go. I think that my ex probably had the same thought process as you. He always had a hard time committing, and I think he just knew I wasn't right for him. I wish he would have let me know sooner because my relationship also lasted for 3 years. The best thing he ever did was set me free because he would never have committed to me, no matter how much I wanted to commit to him.

 

I truly believe that moving in would have escalated your problems, and it would have been more difficult to end it at some point. I lived with my ex for that last year of our relationship, and it was much more difficult when it ended. I honestly don't recommend moving in unless you are getting married or definitely planning on spending your life together.

[Versacehottie]

I like to read between the lines on the posts here. I don't hear that she is part of the problem. I just think it is as simple as you are not ready. It's doesn't matter whether you truly aren't or you perceive incorrectly that you are not ready. That's what you have to examine and try to get to the bottom of before you lose a good person. Sadly, sometimes the timing is just off.

 

The fact that you've only had one other girlfriend previously makes it tougher. Try to reframe that thought in your head of what a positive thing it is! How lucky you are that you found such a great person on the second try!!! But if you can't see it as a great thing then you might just truly need some exploring before you settle down. There is nothing you can do if you are going thru such an internal struggle which you cannot resolve. If that is the case, you should do each other a huge favor and break it off. If you love her for all the time you have spent together, you ned to figure this out soon. Lastly, as a p.s. lots of girls "think" they want these things and then send themselves down the wrong path or move too fast without thinking things through too. Male/female conditioning. Good luck