moving in or moving on

[Comstock]

I've been dating my girlfriend for 3 years. She's 26 and I'm 28.

 

She's been wanting to move in together for the past year or so and I keep putting it off. She's saying if I can't make a commitment soon then we should go separate ways so we don't waste time on something that's not going anywhere. I totally understand where she's coming from I just can't make up my mind.

 

She's really sweet and loving, and believes in me enough that she wants to see this through. I love her but I have mixed emotions about moving in together.

 

I'm scared that moving in at this age is almost sealing the deal. The pressure right now is to live together, and quickly it will become marriage, kids, etc. That freaks me out so much because I don't feel ready for all of it.

 

Beyond being scared of that, I'm constantly questioning myself if she is in-fact the right person for me to "settle down" with. How does anyone really know? I've only had 1 other girlfriend, and never really did much dating besides some flings. I've had girls hit on me while dating her, and a couple of close calls where I would have to leave before anything serious happened. I feel guilty about that stuff, but it also makes me wonder if I'm really ready to be with one person, or do I have to experience more?

 

I know that only I can truly make this decision for what's right for me. But I could use some advice on how do I know if..

 

A. Is my gut telling me she's not the right person?

 

B. Do I need to get the dating and flings out of my system before I can settle with one person..? Or is that being selfish and weak? It took me a long time to find someone like her that I wanted a relationship with, and I don't know when or if it will come around again.

 

C. I'm overanalyzing. Getting into my own thinking about all the "What if's", when I should just live in the moment, just move in with her and see if it works.

 

D. Or....? Any advice is appreciated.

 

Thanks for the help!

[d0nnivain]

I think you are letting fear stop you.

 

Getting married to the right person is a good thing. It has lots of benefits. Stop believing the hype that your days are numbered & life sucks once you get married.

 

See marriage as a positive thing, then re-evaluate your relationship.

 

If you still can not commit, walk away.

[clia]

A. Is my gut telling me she's not the right person?

 

In my opinion, if after three years together you are still so unsure and afraid to even live together, she is probably not the right person for you. You should allow her to move on and find a guy who wants to move in with her and spend the rest of his life with her. I think she's wasted enough time with you.

 

B. Do I need to get the dating and flings out of my system before I can settle with one person..? Or is that being selfish and weak? It took me a long time to find someone like her that I wanted a relationship with, and I don't know when or if it will come around again.

 

That's your decision. But if you are already thinking about what else is out there, it's not going to get better if you make a bigger commitment to your girlfriend by moving in together and getting married. Those feelings aren't going to go away.

 

C. I'm overanalyzing. Getting into my own thinking about all the "What if's", when I should just live in the moment, just move in with her and see if it works.

 

Possibly. You need to think long and hard about her feelings though. Leading her along for another year or two does her no favors. What exactly are you afraid of? You are already 28 -- when do you see yourself making the commitment to move in together and get married?

[mammasita]

If you have doubts about moving in with her, don't do it.

 

Not saying she isn't a great girl, but she's giving you an ultimatum and that isn't fair.

 

Its a matter of timing. She's ready to settle down and have the white picket fence and you're not.....and that's OK!!!

 

Bottom line IMO she may be the right person, she's just not the right person right now....and that's not being selfish and weak, that's being honest.

[Omei]

You are linking a "move in" with too many other big commitments that are not even connected yet.

 

Moving in together is just 1 step forward it doesn't make you committed for life, there's still a chance ya'll breakup in the future and move out nothing is set in stone.

 

I agree after 3 years if you are still too scared still you should let her move on life's too short.

 

But you need to stop looking at a move in as settling down for life because its not.

[heartshaped]

Listen, it doesn't sound like you're ready to settle down and get married and I'm guessing she is. You can talk yourself into it because you love her and she's amazing and others will try to talk you into it as well, but the truth is all of that is a serious commitment. Moving in together is a serious commitment. I'm sure this woman doesn't want to live with you indefinitely unmarried and you're right to be thinking ahead.

 

I'd be honest with her and tell her you aren't ready for all that and don't know when you'll be ready.

 

When it's right you'll know.

[Comstock]

Thanks for the advice so far. I really appreciate it.

 

I keep thinking that logically it doesn't sound like I'm ready but the thought of losing her is so painful that I just can't seem to do it.

 

I really want to just surrender my fears and move in, but in the back of my mind I feel like all these issues/insecurities might rear up again, at which point will be even harder to do anything about.

 

I had a girlfriend through college that afterwards wanted to move in together, and I broke it off for the same reason. Didn't feel ready... People think that because I broke it off that it must be easier to move on, when I think it was the opposite. I felt horrible and it took a good year or two to really move on and start seeing other women. I feel like it's just happening all over again, and I remember how horrible it was the first time. I don't know if I have a fear of commitment, or self destructive.. Or did I, and do I really need more time.

[Comstock]

I just want to say that I am not upset or angry about having an ultimatum. She's been more than fair giving me time to answer on my own, and I have always just said "i don't know".

 

I totally understand that she needs to know if I'm serious or not and not just tread water for years. I basically needed this kick in the ass to give an answer.

[O'Malley]

I've had girls hit on me while dating her, and a couple of close calls where I would have to leave before anything serious happened. I feel guilty about that stuff, but it also makes me wonder if I'm really ready to be with one person, or do I have to experience more?

 

It sounds like you are curious and interested about what else is out there. It isn't wrong to have those feelings, but it would be wrong to allow things to progress to a more serious commitment if those feelings are prominent and recurring. You can't half-commit to someone, you're not doing her or yourself any favors by staying in a good enough relationship. If you don't feel happy and secure enough at this moment to be looking forward to cohabitation, and don't have positive thoughts of a future marriage with your gf (if she wants to get married), then you're not ready and this relationship has run it's course.

 

You have to take your gf's feelings into consideration as well. You've been together three years, a healthy amount of time to determine if you're on the same page about cohabitation, marriage and children. If you don't forsee any of this happening with her, but you still love her and want her to be happy, then you owe it to her to be honest.

[Chemist]

Hey hey,

 

So I had a girlfriend for 5 years and I just pulled the plug.

 

The thing is, is at the end of year two she wanted to move in with me, and I let her bully me into it.

 

I told her I didn't think I was ready for that. She got mad, said I was stalling the relationship. Why didn't I want to take the next step on our relationship? She told me we hang out everyday, why not just live together? I told her that we fought too much, that I wasn't ready...

 

She become very angry with me. It was a long time ago, but essentially there was a bit of an ultimatum. Something like she wasn't going to take our relationship serious if I wasn't.

 

Finally, I reluctantly agreed to this. I told her, this does not mean I am on some time line, I will not propose in a year. Well, she said that is not what she wants.

 

Guess what happened a year later? Same thing. Our lives weren't any better, we still fought and argued a lot. We had some really bad fights. Yet, she says I am the one and she wants to be with me. I am not ready. I don't want to live my whole life in this state of anger and ****. Things only got worse with pushing me for more. Until the point where I felt guilty. Guilty for wasting so much time with her. When I finally realized she wasn't the one.

 

I think you need to break up with her. I wished I would have done it three years ago before we moved in together.

[Comstock]

Yeah I definitely think that this needs to be something I want otherwise it won't be good in the long run.

 

It seems like most people are saying that if I have doubts don't do it.

 

In some ways I was hoping people on here would urge me to go for it. I'm not sure if that's because it's what I want, or I'm trying anything to delay and avoid the heartbreak and pain that is surely to come if that's the route I take.

 

Thanks again for the continued advice.

[ASG]

I will give you the other side of the coin.

 

My brother and his ex started dating when they were about 17/18. At some point, she started living alone. My brother was still living at home. He spent at least half the week at her place. She wanted him to move in, he had some weird timeline of not moving out of my mom's house until he was 30. He also said he didn't want to live in her house, due to the area it was in (even though they would not have to pay ANY rent!).

 

Bottom line was, he was unsure and was afraid. Things ended up coming to a head, though. And they broke up, mostly over his unwillingness to move in with her. And she moved on and started dating someone else. And that's when he woke up and realised it was her he wanted and that he would move in with her. It was too late though. She didn't want to move backwards.

He's still recovering from it and it's been over a year (they were together for about 11 years though, so yeah..)

 

So think about it. Not telling you to move in with her. But make sure it's not just the fear talking, as, if you break up, you might not be able to "fix" it, should you realise you were wrong.

[acapelo_dp]

I don't think moving into together is the ultimate commitment and the "end all be all" of a relationship. Why don't you say to her that you would like to *try* living together for six months and if it doesn't work out, remain in a relationship but live separately again? No lifetime commitment, it's basically just a trial and error. Basically this is what I am going to try with my boyfriend when the time comes to move in together, because it scares us both lol.

[Gloria25]

Moving in together is the be all end all. Be very careful. Once you make her a part of your home, the next thing she will start pressuring you about is when are we getting engaged, after that is when are we getting married, after that is when are we having kids, after that follows the constant nagging and whining, you can no longer do anything without considering her or the kids.

 

Do you want to go out to watch the game? Uh, oh....can't do that. Junior has piano lessons in school and Sally has a play date with friends so you have to drive them.

 

As a man, you should always be ready to walk away especially from a woman who deals in such hard ultimatums. She is essentially trying to back you into a corner. Don't be afraid to walk away. She has nothing special that the next girl doesn't have? Is it pu$$y? The next girl has it. Probably tighter and better. Is it cooking? The next girl can probably do it better.

 

Don't let this girl rush you into something you're not ready for. Once she moves into your place. That's it. She will be all up in your grill.

 

Never deal in ultimatums when it comes to women.

 

I agree in part...

 

I don't believe shacking up is progress in a RL. Marriage is not the same as "playing house". At three years of dating, you should have spent enough time with her and seen how she lives (I'm sure you visited her place and/or spent time there and knows if she cooks, cleans, keeps a nasty place, etc.) and at three years you should know whether or not you see a future with her. So, I agree with her asking you the whole "Where is it going?"

 

What I "don't" agree with is her using the shack up to "push/trick" you into marriage. Cuz, once she moves in, you two will start sharing bills, doing joint purchases and you might just end up saying "what the heck" when she starts nagging you for a ring and a date.

[Standard-Fare]

It's important to recognize that your feelings/doubts are perfectly natural and human. It's hard to give you up on the idea of yourself as an independent person. Many people would have the same feelings. Probably even your GF does.

 

But if you are genuinely in love with this girl (it sounds like you are), and the thought of losing her causes you real pain, then I think it's worth trying to take this leap. It's the logical next step for the progression of your relationship. And it doesn't have to mean anything more than that, for now. It's a test to see how you two co-habitate.

 

Consider this. Let's say you call it off with her. You take a while to heal. You spend a couple years dating around, having some experiences, and one of these turns into another "real" relationship. You will eventually just find yourself at the same crossroads a few years later, and chances are you will have the exact same hesitations. They don't go away!

[mammasita]

I don't think moving into together is the ultimate commitment and the "end all be all" of a relationship. Why don't you say to her that you would like to *try* living together for six months and if it doesn't work out, remain in a relationship but live separately again? No lifetime commitment, it's basically just a trial and error. Basically this is what I am going to try with my boyfriend when the time comes to move in together, because it scares us both lol.

 

Terrible idea to "try" to live together. If it doesn't work out and you stay together it's very hard to recover from and the relationship eventually fails anyway.

 

I pass on many years of trial and error and life experience to OP and poster I have quoted: I highly recommend never moving in with someone unless you are engaged/married. Nobody ever listens though

[Ninjainpajamas]

Don't do it...you're not ready and you know it.

 

Force yourself if you want but you'll end of regretting it or spending a lot of time reminding yourself this is the right decision and woman.

 

Men don't come around...nothing just clicks or whatever, that's woman thinking...you will always feel this way if you continue going on like this.

 

Don't get into a serious relationship or progress on a woman's watch, they generally all desire the same thing in the end its just a matter of when and you should expect that...which is that big final commitment. Or that's what many think they want at first anyway.

 

You cannot be with a woman indefinitely without a commitment...and this is her way of telling you that time has come, she expects more now. She's over this stage of the relationship and that's a queue for you to move on, she will find another guy.

 

But don't let that be your reason for staying, and yes you may be too weak to embrace your life without her, plenty of guys go back if not most thinking they made the wrong decision because they lack the options and ability they thought they had.

 

But you've got to find the woman that YOU want to commit to, anything less and a part of you will always regret it. And yes that can be difficult, most women IME aren't horrible people, and have a lot of positive qualities but that is not that irreplaceable equation in itself...you know when it's something special and that often comes with experience, because if you don't have experience then you might think almost anyone who is nice and pretty is a keeper and you're just wondering if that's enough or what is worth sticking with and what's not...if you don't even care and are just one of those people that want to settle down then it doesn't matter as much who it is.

 

So many guys out there put on a face/attitude and pretend to be happy so she can believe everything is fine in the relationship. You will become one of those guys and you'll be stomping your feet as she marches you deeper into her ultimate goals...and youre just really along for the ride trying to make her happy...but of course she'll expect you to behave and act in a way that doesn't allow her to feel that way or accept that.

 

Think hard about it...once you get that ball rolling it's a snowball effect, then you'll just be another grumpy married guy resenting a part of your life but pretending to her and the family that youre all happy and whatever other ideas aren't worth it or wouldn't have been, playing the role.

 

I'd suggest being single, dating, being independent and living your life the way you want to and when you meet the right girl instead of just falling into another relationship because it's new upset...then settle down when you feel ready.

 

If you do this she!t now and end up regretting it...it'll be like 5 years later...and you're older now. You don't get your youth back and then you'll have to see what you're ready for with all thats happened.

[Sunfire73]

If you have doubts then you're not ready. No one has to convince you on this serious next stage. You have to be of sound mind and heart to do it. It's ok, but you have to let your gf go, so that she can move on and you can find someone else too. She's not also wrong to want the next step. It's just both of you are no longer on the same page regarding what you want in your relationship. Give yourself time, because you don't want to end up regretting anything. But know that you have to accept what comes with the decision you make.

[Comstock]

I really appreciate everyone taking the time to give their opinion. I'm reading each one of these posts like 2-3 times.. It means a lot to me.

 

I've been a wreck all day thinking about this and I'm not sure I've really come to a conclusion. Every time I think about ending it, I break into tears (feel embarrassed to write that)

 

I feel so weak-minded that I can't come to a decision. Some people seem to always know what their gut reaction is, and how to respond to it.. I'm so envious of those people.

 

I wrote out a Pros and Cons list.. The pro's are all good and optimistic and the cons are mostly a reflection of my fears and neurosis. I don't have much that is "wrong" with her or moving in with her other than my own fears. Fear of not exploring enough women, fear of commitment, fear of marriage..But those could all be valid reasons.

 

There's a possibility that moving in together could cure some of this.. By committing myself I would have to surrender these fears and I just live in the moment with her. On the other-hand it might not and my issues will keep coming up!

 

Someone mentioned 6months on here, which I think sounds good in theory but, leases are a year long. So it's making at least a year commitment unless something goes horribly wrong and we break the lease. I wonder if there is anyway I could say we're going to check in on how it's going 3 or 6 months in. Or have a plan in mind if it doesn't work. Is there some kind of compromise to find, or am I just trying to rationalize and delay the breakup.

[Gloria25]

I really appreciate everyone taking the time to give their opinion. I'm reading each one of these posts like 2-3 times.. It means a lot to me.

 

I've been a wreck all day thinking about this and I'm not sure I've really come to a conclusion. Every time I think about ending it, I break into tears (feel embarrassed to write that)

 

I feel so weak-minded that I can't come to a decision. Some people seem to always know what their gut reaction is, and how to respond to it.. I'm so envious of those people.

 

I wrote out a Pros and Cons list.. The pro's are all good and optimistic and the cons are mostly a reflection of my fears and neurosis. I don't have much that is "wrong" with her or moving in with her other than my own fears. Fear of not exploring enough women, fear of commitment, fear of marriage..But those could all be valid reasons.

 

There's a possibility that moving in together could cure some of this.. By committing myself I would have to surrender these fears and I just live in the moment with her. On the other-hand it might not and my issues will keep coming up!

 

Someone mentioned 6months on here, which I think sounds good in theory but, leases are a year long. So it's making at least a year commitment unless something goes horribly wrong and we break the lease. I wonder if there is anyway I could say we're going to check in on how it's going 3 or 6 months in. Or have a plan in mind if it doesn't work. Is there some kind of compromise to find, or am I just trying to rationalize and delay the breakup.

 

You've been dating her for three years, what about "shacking up" is gonna change how you feel about her?

 

Also, unless you "do" plan to marry her, then I don't see the point in shacking up, cuz you know that shacking up to her is a step towards getting married.

 

So, if you do shack up with her for let's say 6 months or a year (however long a lease would last), and you still feel the same way upon the end of the lease, how would you feel about misleading her? Cuz, remember, her mind is made up. She's proposing shacking up because she sees it as a sign of commitment leading into marriage.

[IronZ]

I missed the part where she asked you to marry her. All I see is 2 people in their late 20s taking their relationship to the next level. Moving in doesn't mean you can't break up with someone anymore. If it's not right then it's not right.

[Comstock]

Thank you.. this makes a lot of sense to me.

 

I am going to give it time (the next couple days) to make sure I'm thinking clearly.

 

I don't know if I mentioned that we've been in "no contact" while I come to my decision. It's only been a few days, but it's been really miserable and I miss her a ton, but I'm trying to not have that cloud my judgement. I'm probably going to have to see her face to face soon and talk this through. If I decide that I'm not ready I don't know if I'll be strong enough to truly let her go.

Edited November 6, 2014 by Comstock

[acrosstheuniverse]

Thank you.. this makes a lot of sense to me.

 

I am going to give it time (the next couple days) to make sure I'm thinking clearly.

 

I don't know if I mentioned that we've been in "no contact" while I come to my decision. It's only been a few days, but it's been really miserable and I miss her a ton, but I'm trying to not have that cloud my judgement. I'm probably going to have to see her face to face soon and talk this through. If I decide that I'm not ready I don't know if I'll be strong enough to truly let her go.

 

I feel for her. It must be horrible being kept in the dark while you're waiting to see if you're either going to split, or move forward and do something you've wanted for a long time. I think a brief period of 'no contact' can be helpful sometimes but I sure wouldn't want to be on her side of it.

 

Here's another side of the coin, OP.

 

I was 18 when I got with my ex. After two years I was ready to move in together. We discussed and roughly said we'd think about it at the end of year three. At the end of year three he still wasn't ready and wanted to live with his friends for a while first before a gf (he was still living at home). That was a fair point, however it should have made me realise we were at such different stages in life, I had already moved out of my parents a few years earlier and was much more independent than him.

 

At the end of year four, we actually did move in together... and split up that same day. There was a bit of back and forth, but it was the beginning of the end and a month or two later it was officially over for good. What happened? Well, a couple things.

 

1) Once we actually moved in, I felt like an absolute idiot. I felt I'd twisted his arm into it. I felt sad that I wanted him to be as excited and happy about it as I was and ready to make the leap, he was actually ready by this point but I had spent two years feeling very rejected and like he was keeping me at arm's length (sleepovers once per week for a four year relationship isn't normal in my book). When I actually moved in, I realised that the ship for being excited about our future had sailed for me as I no longer believed he was as happy to be with me as I was him. I felt he had all the power. I just felt like I should have walked away a year earlier instead of holding out for co-habitation.

 

2) He had taken me for granted so much over the four years, treated me quite badly at times with the consequences of his insane jealousy and insecurity, and generally made me feel not hugely wanted (I would sleep over on a Friday night and he'd want me out by lunchtime Saturday to play video games), that I honestly started to feel like I deserved better. Along came another guy, who I had so much chemistry with I didn't dare be in the same room alone with him and walk anywhere near him. I realised if I was feeling this way about somebody else, it was over, I couldn't get excited about my boyfriend anymore. I couldn't cheat so I ended it. To be fair he hadn't acted very excited about me moving in either, he wouldn't even help me move the boxes up the stairs! I had my fling with the other guy, and before the six months of living as exes was up I was in a new relationship and he'd moved on too and slept with other people. It all ended incredibly painfully for him. For me it wasn't as hard, but I felt like I had been through so much rejection and pain in the past four years due to his actions, ya know? I'm not proud of it, but I honestly didn't realise until the move how I really felt about it all, I thought I'd be blissfully happy.

 

He maintains he was going to propose at the six year mark, meaning we'd have been married about now! But his actions never showed it. I wasn't even thinking about getting married at that age, I just wanted to share an apartment. It was too little too late. We weren't right for each other and now if someone wasn't ready to move in after a year I'd move on instead of wasting all of that time, it's a big deal of a relationship to be together four years at that age when all of your friends are single.

 

So don't think all the power is in your hands, OP. Whatever you do now you'll have to deal with the consequences of both wanting different things at different times. If she's feeling like you're not as into her as she is you, all it takes is for someone else to come along, tell her he's crazy about her, and will give her what she wants... and you're dust. I'm not saying you should do it, I just wanted to let you know how it felt from her side of the story.

 

My current boyfriend and I moved in officially after six months but had been spending every night at mine from about the two to three month mark, it just felt right and natural, even though it was fast. It was weird, I couldn't get my head around somebody being up for spending that much time with me, it really messed with my head how my ex was towards me.

 

Personally, I don't think 'moving in' is quite as huge a commitment as people make it out to be. Maybe you should have a discussion with your gf about whether or not she wants marriage and what sort of timeline she sees in your future? If she tells you she isn't expecting to get engaged for another two years after moving in, would that make you breathe a bit more easily? Take the pressure off? You could get a six month lease somewhere, and see how it goes, preferably a two bedroom place (I moved into the spare room with my ex), have a contingency plan if it makes you feel a bit less worried (think of places you might be able to go stay cheap if you have to get out).

 

If you love her, you might massively regret not giving it a shot. Lots of people move in together and split soon after, it happens, moving in together is like a trial run for marriage, it's not as great a commitment in itself. She might be the best thing you ever lost and you might kick yourself. I always think it's better to regret something you've done than something you haven't. You're worrying about a lot of things that might not even happen.

 

If you're moving in, DO NOT tell her you want to 'check how it's going three-six months in'. I wouldn't even move in with a guy if that was his attitude towards it! Are you sure there are no six months leases anywhere? In my country (UK) they are between 4 and 12 months.

 

There is no easy answer. If you split up with her it's going to hurt a lot, you cannot circumnavigate that! It'll hurt her a lot too. But this issue dragging on is probably hurting her more. I've never read about anyone being so ambivalent about something as you, it's like you really don't know what you want, you don't want to end it, you don't want to move in (or you'd be living together now!) have you thought about going for some short sessions of counselling to try and help you work it out? Don't tell the partner you're going, just go. Most counsellors will be quite neutral about the whole issue and will help you to discuss both sides, uncover what exactly is going on in your head and heart and come to a resolution.

 

Failing that, I don't know whereabouts in the world you're from but there's a charity here in the UK called the Samaritans, who give free emotional support to people 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, and they're trained to be completely impartial. If you're not in England you can't call them, but you can e-mail them... just google it, that service is international. Maybe talking it through back and forth will help you to work out what the real issues are. What do your friends think?

[heartshaped]

i think the only reason you are even considering moving in with her OP is because you don't want to lose her. Not because you truly want to. I don't think it's ever a good idea to do something simply out of fear of losing the other person. You can't be happy that way and neither can she.

 

Moving in with someone is a huge commitment no matter what anyone says. No, it may not mean marriage or equal marriage, but I'm sure as you know that's where your girlfriend is leading up to with this. She wants to progress her life and your relationship. It doesn't sound like you're ready by half.

 

My living together story did not end well. He, like you, was hestitate about it, but did it because he knew it was what I wanted to do. I don't think he was unhappy, but it's not what he wanted. He just wanted to keep from losing me so he conceded. I believe he would've married me to if I had let him too simply because he didn't want to lose me.

 

He wasn't ready and I do believe he felt very pressured after we moved in to propose. He knew the stage was set so to speak and he just wasn't ready. Trust me, breaking up is rough but breaking up when you live together is ten times worse. Especially if there's still a lot of time on the lease.

 

I think the question is do you want to spend your life with this woman. It's been long enough for you to know. If you're not sure now, you'll never be and if you aren't there's no point in leading her on and moving in when eventually the relationship will end.

[Comstock]

I feel for her. It must be horrible being kept in the dark while you're waiting to see if you're either going to split, or move forward and do something you've wanted for a long time. I think a brief period of 'no contact' can be helpful sometimes but I sure wouldn't want to be on her side of it.

 

Here's another side of the coin, OP.

 

I was 18 when I got with my ex. After two years I was ready to move in together. We discussed and roughly said we'd think about it at the end of year three. At the end of year three he still wasn't ready and wanted to live with his friends for a while first before a gf (he was still living at home). That was a fair point, however it should have made me realise we were at such different stages in life, I had already moved out of my parents a few years earlier and was much more independent than him.

 

At the end of year four, we actually did move in together... and split up that same day. There was a bit of back and forth, but it was the beginning of the end and a month or two later it was officially over for good. What happened? Well, a couple things.

 

1) Once we actually moved in, I felt like an absolute idiot. I felt I'd twisted his arm into it. I felt sad that I wanted him to be as excited and happy about it as I was and ready to make the leap, he was actually ready by this point but I had spent two years feeling very rejected and like he was keeping me at arm's length (sleepovers once per week for a four year relationship isn't normal in my book). When I actually moved in, I realised that the ship for being excited about our future had sailed for me as I no longer believed he was as happy to be with me as I was him. I felt he had all the power. I just felt like I should have walked away a year earlier instead of holding out for co-habitation.

 

2) He had taken me for granted so much over the four years, treated me quite badly at times with the consequences of his insane jealousy and insecurity, and generally made me feel not hugely wanted (I would sleep over on a Friday night and he'd want me out by lunchtime Saturday to play video games), that I honestly started to feel like I deserved better. Along came another guy, who I had so much chemistry with I didn't dare be in the same room alone with him and walk anywhere near him. I realised if I was feeling this way about somebody else, it was over, I couldn't get excited about my boyfriend anymore. I couldn't cheat so I ended it. To be fair he hadn't acted very excited about me moving in either, he wouldn't even help me move the boxes up the stairs! I had my fling with the other guy, and before the six months of living as exes was up I was in a new relationship and he'd moved on too and slept with other people. It all ended incredibly painfully for him. For me it wasn't as hard, but I felt like I had been through so much rejection and pain in the past four years due to his actions, ya know? I'm not proud of it, but I honestly didn't realise until the move how I really felt about it all, I thought I'd be blissfully happy.

 

He maintains he was going to propose at the six year mark, meaning we'd have been married about now! But his actions never showed it. I wasn't even thinking about getting married at that age, I just wanted to share an apartment. It was too little too late. We weren't right for each other and now if someone wasn't ready to move in after a year I'd move on instead of wasting all of that time, it's a big deal of a relationship to be together four years at that age when all of your friends are single.

 

So don't think all the power is in your hands, OP. Whatever you do now you'll have to deal with the consequences of both wanting different things at different times. If she's feeling like you're not as into her as she is you, all it takes is for someone else to come along, tell her he's crazy about her, and will give her what she wants... and you're dust. I'm not saying you should do it, I just wanted to let you know how it felt from her side of the story.

 

My current boyfriend and I moved in officially after six months but had been spending every night at mine from about the two to three month mark, it just felt right and natural, even though it was fast. It was weird, I couldn't get my head around somebody being up for spending that much time with me, it really messed with my head how my ex was towards me.

 

Personally, I don't think 'moving in' is quite as huge a commitment as people make it out to be. Maybe you should have a discussion with your gf about whether or not she wants marriage and what sort of timeline she sees in your future? If she tells you she isn't expecting to get engaged for another two years after moving in, would that make you breathe a bit more easily? Take the pressure off? You could get a six month lease somewhere, and see how it goes, preferably a two bedroom place (I moved into the spare room with my ex), have a contingency plan if it makes you feel a bit less worried (think of places you might be able to go stay cheap if you have to get out).

 

If you love her, you might massively regret not giving it a shot. Lots of people move in together and split soon after, it happens, moving in together is like a trial run for marriage, it's not as great a commitment in itself. She might be the best thing you ever lost and you might kick yourself. I always think it's better to regret something you've done than something you haven't. You're worrying about a lot of things that might not even happen.

 

If you're moving in, DO NOT tell her you want to 'check how it's going three-six months in'. I wouldn't even move in with a guy if that was his attitude towards it! Are you sure there are no six months leases anywhere? In my country (UK) they are between 4 and 12 months.

 

There is no easy answer. If you split up with her it's going to hurt a lot, you cannot circumnavigate that! It'll hurt her a lot too. But this issue dragging on is probably hurting her more. I've never read about anyone being so ambivalent about something as you, it's like you really don't know what you want, you don't want to end it, you don't want to move in (or you'd be living together now!) have you thought about going for some short sessions of counselling to try and help you work it out? Don't tell the partner you're going, just go. Most counsellors will be quite neutral about the whole issue and will help you to discuss both sides, uncover what exactly is going on in your head and heart and come to a resolution.

 

Failing that, I don't know whereabouts in the world you're from but there's a charity here in the UK called the Samaritans, who give free emotional support to people 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, and they're trained to be completely impartial. If you're not in England you can't call them, but you can e-mail them... just google it, that service is international. Maybe talking it through back and forth will help you to work out what the real issues are. What do your friends think?

Thank you for sharing your story. You're right. As miserable as I am not it must be even worse for her not knowing.

 

Your story sounds similar to mine. I think I have pushed her a way a little emotionally because of fear of things getting too serious.. but we basically see each other 5-6 nights a week staying at each-others places. Living together wouldn't be too far off from what we're already doing..

 

I also agree maybe I need some counseling. My ambivalence might run quite a bit deeper than just this current issue about moving in. I sometimes can get stricken with almost a panic attack just deciding between the most mundane things. I need to give her an answer by Monday, so I doubt I'll really be able to get help, but maybe I should email the samaritans.

 

I've talked to a few friends. A little like this message board my friends are split. Some people say "if you're not ready it's that simple.. Enjoy your 20's and when the time is right, and the girl is right you'll know" OTHER friends say "What's the big deal, you're over thinking it.. Just move in together and try it out, it's not marriage". Each time I talk to a friend I tend to come away thinking their version is right. Until the next person tells me the opposite. I need a spine!

 

I guess I'm looking for answers in the wrong places. Although all the advice is really helpful it seems like I just need to make a decision from within and live with the consequences.

 

I'm trying to plan my conversation with her... It would be best to have a firm stance in my head. I want to talk it through but at the same time I know if I don't have my mind made up it will just prolong the problem.

 

I'm thinking of at least texting her maybe tonight or tomorrow and let her know how horrible this has been and that I want to discuss soon.