SapperGB Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 I stifled my girlfriend, i now realise my mistakes but need advice on putting it right. I am recently seperated (4 months ago) from my partner of 17 years (married for 8 of them). and it has been the best decision i have made, she was met on a rebound and the relationship wasnt healthy. But she is not the issue. Around a month afterwards i had a blind date, a week or so before this we text each other daily on got on really well, i shall call her E from here on. the day we met was very unusual indeed with a few events that made it memorable, for example it was in a village i had never been to, in a pub id never heard of and ten minutes into the date my boss from work walks up and says "what are you doing in my pub?" funny at the time. can i add, E is not a rebound, ive had them before, this is something totally different. now the rest is going to sound a bit soppy, but it needs to be said so you can understand how things developed. Basically E moved the relationship on, she reached for my hand the very first date, she instigated the first kiss and a few weeks later moved things to a more intimate level. Now, we are currently living in difficult circumstances, me in a shared house rental with no guests and E living with her father after moving back home a year or so ago. Due to these arrangements seeing each other wasn't easy, added to the fact i work shifts (loosing almost all weekends) and E is committed to her work often leaving her office after 9pm. For the first 3 or 4 weeks i would entice E to meet me from work and have dinner at restaurants. In addition to this we would book weekends away in hotels for romantic breaks (4 since August) we text and talked all the time. I sent flowers to her office each fortnight, the first message read "to brighten your day", the second "i miss you" the last love you lots. so here where its all gone wrong. I told E that i loved her, she didnt exactly freak but it was more of a whoah there reaction. i quickly retracted and said i meant i loved everything about her but the damage was done. E became distant shortly after this, i pursued, she never told me she wanted a break or anything, she just became detached and less attentive. I became more anxious that she was slipping away until i finally sent a message telling her i "couldnt cope with the uncertainty and it was going to hurt but i think i need to walk away" The next day i received a reply with "i wish i couold be the person you want me to be" to which i said "you used to be" she replied with "no honey i just listened and was a welcome distraction" I assured her she was wrong. (22 oct) E called that night. we chatted an awful lot, she explained that i scared her with opening up (she hasnt really filled me in with her past), she gave the impression she wasnt ready for commitment to that level, despite me reminding he that she accelerated the relationship to an intimate level. We both agreed we had to talk so i managed to persuade her to come away with me that weekend, just for a night so we could talk. I also sent this very long message.... E, Darling, a couple of weeks ago it got to a point where my current vocabulary could no longer express my feelings of gratitude, appreciation admiration and trust in you. phrases "like i like you" just didnt seem to cut it any more, so i went to another place altogether. I LOVE YOU E,...yes... ive said it and i was so relieved to get it out there. but lets bring it back to here and now but did i tell you that i love you? Now, i know its a loaded word but i wasnt to clarify something, MY LOVE COMES WITH NO PROMISE OR EXPECTATIONS FOR THE FUTURE it exists here and now. this is MY journey THESE ARE MY FEELINGS AND THEY REQUIRE NOTHING MORE THAN YOU HAVE ALREADY GIVEN your friendship and "like" is more than enough to make me a very happy man. now the reply i got was the old E again, we were back to daily texts. she was saying she couldnt wait for saturday, she "longed for hugs as ive missed you so much". all good. We went away a few days later (25th oct) and had a good time, during the journey to where we were going she phoned a very close family member as we were passing and explained where she was going and who with, she also said that we would pop in when we returned. while away she got a call from a friend and she told her friends she was "away with XXXX (me)" so, i am not a secret, and E seems to be letting me in. whilst away we didnt talk about anything we said we would - this is bad. met the family member on the way home, all was fine. got home, sunday afternoon said goodbye. THEN I DID IT AGAIN.. had a few drinks in the evening, declared i loved her via text message TWICE. i also arranged for flowers to arrive at her office monday morning, the last ones with the message "thanks for a lovely time - i love you". I had no repsonse until the next night at 9pm, she said that i really needed to "calm down with the i love you messages and that it was too overpowering sweetie" i replied back explaining that i knew she was right but its the way i felt. she returned with "you cant force things to grow" i accepted this, so things seemed to be ok. but again the replies to my messages became less frequent, so after a day or two i explained that to simply say hi each day takes no time at all and i felt that she was playing mind games with me. i couldnt sleep that night so i sent her a rather long poem. IDIOT! SHe replied that evening with (abbreviated) "i cant seem to give you what you are yearning for, im not playing mind games but my time simply isnt my own right now, with 50+ hours a week working, i am mentally and physically exhausted. I really am trying to open my mind and make myself a girlfriend but its proving impossible, you deserve so musch more than i can give you xxx" I did reply with again, it doesnt take a moment to send a quick text a couple of times a day and left it at that. The next day, saturday just gone is where it gets really tragic, E was due to be visiting her friend out of county, at about mid day i sent her a quick text with "are you with your friend." an hour later i get a reply with "no, im at work hun" i send a couple asking if she wanted to grab some food after work, no reply until that evening at about 7pm. (i was in her village by then waiting to see the outcome). I get a phone call, basically calling it all off. drawing closure to the relationship. I was devistated, i asked her to come out and give me a hug, she did and was full of kisses, i was full of tears. I pleased once or twice, sent her a song but nothing. I went to get drunk. got a message from her the next day saying "sometimes music works better than words" and asking if i was ok, i replied with yes are you, she replied back that she was fine and at her friends.... then.... That lunchtime i popped to the shop, on the way home stopped at a bar and had one drink. i get pulled over by the police and am over the limit, i had only the one so shouldnt have been but i hadnt eaten and was topping up from last night. After release and bailed to attend court i was a total wreck, i needed someone to talk to. I sent E a message aying i was a total screw up, she had done the right thing to end it as i had messed up big time, but i needed an ear, just someone to talk to. Reply was hours later saying no im not and what was up. I didnt want to text her the issue so i once again said ive messed up bad and needed to talk. No reply until the next day. once again asking what happened. this time i had to tell her via text. she was oh no, what is going to happen. i told her (loss of licence etc) and again asked if i could call her... no reply. so there we have it, the exciting bit was worth the read wasnt it? now i know ive made a right mess of my life. I need to move closer to work in the next 10 days but cant afford deposits on rentals. I have lost the car, my freedom. and i have lost the one good thing in my life. I cant deal with the DUI thing until court (UK) but i can try and make right the only other thing i have worth living for right now. I know i smothered her, i know i was too demanding its taken a breakup to realise this. how do i explain to her that i realise i have done wrong now nad how do i get her to believe me? sorry for the long post.
LifeNomad Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 don't explain anything to her and back off a bit, don't text or call her anymore, maybe she will come around and start messaging you, or maybe she wont. if she does call or come around, make it seem like you been very busy, (don't make it seem like you been moping around all day obsessing over her) If you tell her about the DUI laugh about it.
Strength in Healing Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 What is the legal limit for a DUI in the UK? If it's like the USA, it is physically impossible to reach a .08 with one drink in any normal circumstance. But that's neither here nor there. In reality, you have no choice but to back off. ELIMINATE 100% of contact. Do NOT look at any social media of her. DELETE ALL PICTURES OF HER and that were taken with her. ANYTHING that reminds you of her. Only by backing off 100% do you have a chance of her coming back, but in my experience, even then it takes months. Time to focus on you and heal.
Author SapperGB Posted November 5, 2014 Author Posted November 5, 2014 Thanks for the replies. Limit is measured differently here in the UK its 35microgrammes per 100ml of breath. I blew 57. stupidly high for a single drink (although i hadnt eaten since the morning before and it was a strong drink 6% and just over a pint). 57 is still classed as a low fail but even so. Now, NC. ive heard it doesnt work for everyone? E is a very very laid back person and nothing phases her, there have been times when i havent sent any messages and she usually sends a "hi sweetie, how are you" but this was before the final hug goodbye on Saturday. Actually, she did send a "did you get home ok? x" message the next morning some 15 hours later. E's messages are so sporadic over the last month or so theres no more than a day or two that goes by when she doesnt send a message. What do i do if i get a 'hi how are you? x" message after a day or so of NC? How do i take a message like that? after all it could just be a friendly hello What do i respond with?
frigginlost Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 Brutal honesty coming at you... You are now a ghost. You do not reply to anything. At all. She told you she cannot give you what you want. Return the favor to her, because it's coming... She will start to wonder why you are quiet, where you went, what happened with the DUI, etc. Do *not* reply at all. You cannot give her what she wants... If she has an "oh sh*t, what have I done moment" you will know it. Until that time --if ever-- you are a ghost...
Author SapperGB Posted November 5, 2014 Author Posted November 5, 2014 Brutal honesty coming at you... You are now a ghost. You do not reply to anything. At all. She told you she cannot give you what you want. Return the favor to her, because it's coming... She will start to wonder why you are quiet, where you went, what happened with the DUI, etc. Do *not* reply at all. You cannot give her what she wants... If she has an "oh sh*t, what have I done moment" you will know it. Until that time --if ever-- you are a ghost... Jeez, thats going to be hard, ive ask for an ear as a friend regarding this dui issue, (last night) she hasnt offered it yet, what if she does? I'm really worried that NC isnt the way to go with her. In addition to this, one worry i have is that i am due at a rememberance service this sunday. I know she is going to be there and theres no way im not going. My plan was to stand way off alone (i am going alone) how do i react if she sees me and approaches me?
Author SapperGB Posted November 6, 2014 Author Posted November 6, 2014 as in the dumper 'likes you a lot but its just not enough' yet the dumpee has openly expressed love. Would NC help re-establish the relationship? I'm intrigued to find out what others think. Im the dumpee. the dumper has in the past after not seeing each other for a week said "i miss you". Its been 5 days now, were on minimal contact (well, ive sent perhaps 9 messages to her 3 - none asking about fixing the relationship all just chit chat) and im not sure if i should attempt to tell her i miss her and want to put it all right. what if the night after being dumped the dumper sends a message to the person they dumped saying "hey, are you ok? did you get home alright?"
Mi7522 Posted November 6, 2014 Posted November 6, 2014 as in the dumper 'likes you a lot but its just not enough' yet the dumpee has openly expressed love. Would NC help re-establish the relationship? I'm intrigued to find out what others think. Im the dumpee. the dumper has in the past after not seeing each other for a week said "i miss you". Its been 5 days now, were on minimal contact (well, ive sent perhaps 9 messages to her 3 - none asking about fixing the relationship all just chit chat) and im not sure if i should attempt to tell her i miss her and want to put it all right. what if the night after being dumped the dumper sends a message to the person they dumped saying "hey, are you ok? did you get home alright?" First off NC is not to manipulate the other person to come back to you it is for YOU to heal. Staying in contact with the person that does not want to be in a relationship just rips the scabs off continuously. She is sending you those texts out of guilt. She feels bad for hurtling you and sends breadcrumbs so she can feel better about her decision. Unless she says "I miss you and want you back" then you should just ignore them and focus on you getting better. It is tough I know but you cannot let her consume you. It is important for you to move forward and make yourself a better person because of this.
LifeNomad Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 as in the dumper 'likes you a lot but its just not enough' yet the dumpee has openly expressed love. Would NC help re-establish the relationship? I'm intrigued to find out what others think. Im the dumpee. the dumper has in the past after not seeing each other for a week said "i miss you". Its been 5 days now, were on minimal contact (well, ive sent perhaps 9 messages to her 3 - none asking about fixing the relationship all just chit chat) and im not sure if i should attempt to tell her i miss her and want to put it all right. what if the night after being dumped the dumper sends a message to the person they dumped saying "hey, are you ok? did you get home alright?" Nc is to heal urself first and foremost but what also happens sometimes is if there are still feelings of some kind by the person being no contacted, they may attempt to contact u, based on ur reaction and how u carry urself it may or may not cause u all to attempt reconcilation. Do,what u feel is right, if u want to tell her u miss her go ahead but expecting to get ignored, hope for best but expect the worse basically. If u dont get back together at least ull know u tried and did what u could so u wont have any regrets later.
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