Husband tried to have a threesome!- but I am not gay or bi!!

November 5, 2014

About a year ago my husband & I went out to a movie and then went to a bar to have a few drinks and play pool. Shortly after we got there a woman who we had met a few weeks prior showed up. I found out later that my husband called her to meet us there. Why he had her number is still a mystery to me... We met her at a different bar a few weeks prior. She has a few mutual friends and she is a friend of a friend. When she showed up I didn't think much of it and we proceeded to play pool and drink. Eventually I told my husband I thought it was time to go home. He said his goodbyes and then asked this other woman if she was ready to go home with us! It totally confused me. As we walked outside with her she was saying things like "I'm not trying to be the other woman, I like you the best etc etc....." I stopped her right there. I was like "wait what in the hell is going on here??!!" looking right at my husband - He didn't have any response.

I told the woman I am not gay or bisexual and I don't know what my husband told her or what she was expecting and then we left without her. This woman was not even good looking in my opinion!!

I was completely shocked that my husband did that!! I have had many conversations with him about why he did that and what he was thinking. The main thing he does/says is try to assure me I don't have to worry about him ever doing that to me again. The thing is I am worried!! I just can't stop thinking that he wants to be with other women. Maybe he thought if I was invited it wouldn't be considered cheating. I want to trust him and have no reason to think he is doing anything behind my back. Then again I am a very busy person and I don't track his every move.

I just think that if he wants to have multiple women maybe he should move to Utah & become a polygamist Mormon. I have told him that before also. If that is they type of sex life he wants to have he will never have that with me. I don't want him to resent me for keeping him from all his fantasies.

He has apologized many times for it and he thinks I should just get over it. I don't know if our love can ever be the same....

Due to this incident and many other issues between us I am having serious thoughts of divorce....

Opinions/advice please??

November 5, 2014

It doesn't matter if you're gay or bi or Other.

She wasn't invited into your bed for your benefit.

November 5, 2014

Your husband had a fantasy. The way he went about presenting it to you by having this other woman show up was pretty ballsy & showed no tact or consideration for your feelings but in the end it didn't happen because he respected your right to say NO.

He has apologized many times for it and he thinks I should just get over it.

Since he has apologized & told you that it can be put in the past, why aren't you moving forward with your marriage? he hasn't brought it up again. You are the one who seems to be obsessed with the idea that he wants some multiple partner orgy all the time rather than a vanilla marriage.

I think he thought it would be fun but when you said No he moved on.

Again, his methodology leaves a lot to be desired but he's not trying to leave you over this. Why are you trying to kick him out the door if it has never been an issue again?

November 5, 2014

I am not kicking him out. I love him and I feel like we have a great sex life when he is home. I just don't know if he fantasizes about that still. He told me she has tried to call him a few times since then- the last time was a few months ago- and that he doesn't talk to her. I believe him.

My issue is if threesomes are something he wants to experience in his life maybe I am not the one he needs for that.

Also maybe he is not the one I need, because I need to feel like I am enough for him. He tells me he loves me and everything is fine but I think he still wants to have adventures that I don't want to be any part of.

Maybe it would be doing him a favor by giving him freedom....Then I would also have my freedom to see who ever I want to spend time with.

November 5, 2014

Wow, if my partner did that to me, I would go home alone and tell her to expect a divorce petition in the post the next day. That is not what loving, caring people do to each other.

November 5, 2014

Emerald_11,

IMO there is more to this than meets the eye...

Why he had her number is still a mystery to me.

Then perhaps you should ask him?

He said his goodbyes and then asked this other woman if she was ready to go home with us!

Humungous red flag here.

I have had many conversations with him about why he did that and what he was thinking.

So what was his response ? What actually was going on? What prior arrangement had he made?

he thinks I should just get over it.

That's a totally insensitive attitude. If he hasn't told you the whole truth then you have every right to be confused, upset and worried.

Due to this incident and many other issues between us I am having serious thoughts of divorce....

- (my italics)

If this is one more thing in a long line of issues then maybe it's time to pull the plug, but only you can make that decision. In any event, you need more answers about this incident so you know what you are dealing with.

Good luck. x

November 5, 2014

I guess he got her number when we met her the first time because she wanted to come to poker night at our house or something...that was his excuse anyways but she didn't seem to know anything about any poker night so I think he got her number for the purpose of setting up his little attempt at a threesome. He must have took her number while I was distracted or in the bathroom or something...

He has not told me exactly what he told her before she met us there but it is pretty obvious he led her to believe she might get laid! And that for me is a huge problem!!!! I don't know if I will get over it.

November 5, 2014

You need to talk to him if you want to save your marriage. No one-- especially not a bunch of strangers on the internet -- knows if your husband is still thinking about this. You have to ask him & you have to tell him it's still bugging you.

It may have been a fluke but because you are still upset if you don't address it, the lingering worry & doubt will erode your marriage.

November 5, 2014

Have you ever mentioned you would be interested in a threesome, even in jest perhaps?

If not, then this was incredibly inconsiderate and thoughtless of him.

How well does he know or did know this woman, is my first thought?

Well enough to talk about sex and to discuss his fantasies too, it appears.

"she was saying things like "I'm not trying to be the other woman, I like you the best etc etc..."

I am a bit suspicious, here. I know from your other post, he works out of town.

Is it possible she was/is his mistress and he thought he could have his cake and eat it, by introducing her to you for some "fun and games".

November 5, 2014

Have you ever mentioned you would be interested in a threesome, even in jest perhaps?
If not, then this was incredibly inconsiderate and thoughtless of him.

My thoughts exactly. How in the hell do you just spring this (I mean your all heading toward the car home) and think its going to work? WTF?

I think you should invite a couple of men of color to your next dinner date as a surprise for your husband. They can say they will be gentle with him cause they like him best.

November 5, 2014

OP, do you and your Husband 'talk' much? I mean to say, how is the communication between you two.

I ask because from your post and other postings, it seems as if there is a gap between the talking and the understanding part, ya know?

If you want to work on having a better marriage and saving it depending how bad things really are, maybe consider a counselor that can more or less act as a mediator between you two and who can also help the both of you learn better communication skills.

People are different. They receive and interpret information differently. This could be part of the problem?.?.

Best to you

CiH*

November 5, 2014

Considering that this episode took place a year ago, I can't help but wonder if you're trying to somehow (perhaps subconsciously) justify the pursuit of the "crushes" you've mentioned in recent threads. Are you looking for a way out of this marriage?

This is not to say that I would blame you for considering divorce. You've mentioned that he's out of town all week and only home some weekends. When combined with this lame attempt at a threesome, I'd suspect he's getting his "needs" met elsewhere.

November 5, 2014

I am not pursuing any crushes.

I have nothing to justify to any of you strangers.

I am simply trying to figure out what is going on with me.

Yes I think the crushes are a result of the state of my marriage. I figure that I subconsciously wish to be paid more quality attention (not just sexually- in general) than I seem to be getting at the moment. I also never want to share the attention of my man with any other woman and I know I spelled that out very clearly to my husband.

I know not to act on these dumb crushes because I might have blinders on right now as to who they really are.

I really don't think he is cheating on me. He tells me where he is and what he is doing. I don't think anything happened with that person from the bar.

November 5, 2014

I am not pursuing any crushes.
I have nothing to justify to any of you strangers.
I am simply trying to figure out what is going on with me.

Yes I think the crushes are a result of the state of my marriage. I figure that I subconsciously wish to be paid more quality attention (not just sexually- in general) than I seem to be getting at the moment. I also never want to share the attention of my man with any other woman and I know I spelled that out very clearly to my husband.

I know not to act on these dumb crushes because I might have blinders on right now as to who they really are.

I really don't think he is cheating on me. He tells me where he is and what he is doing. I don't think anything happened with that person from the bar.

Sorry, I didn't mean to imply that you are pursuing any crushes. In fact, you get props from me for enacting some boundaries and seeking advice on how to further remove temptations. Smart moves.

You certainly don't have to justify anything to anonymous internet posters. But you're here asking for help and advice and it seemed to stand out that you've recently talked about three crushes you're trying to handle and this troubling event from a year ago suddenly comes up. In light of your comments that perhaps your husband wants to be free and that perhaps you want to be free, it didn't seem like a stretch to ask if there's a connection.

As for his potential cheating, I'll just say that there's some red flags here. You wouldn't be the first person fooled because you trust your spouse. My wife pulled off a year-long affair that I never would have thought possible. Hopefully you're right and I'm wrong in your case. I just think it might be wise to do some quiet investigating.

Good luck with whatever you choose.

November 5, 2014

Wow, if my partner did that to me, I would go home alone and tell her to expect a divorce petition in the post the next day. That is not what loving, caring people do to each other.

AMEN!

Sorry OP but your hubby sounds like a douche especially for the way he handled this.

Threesome fantasies aren't anything new particularly for men BUT blindsiding you without having had any kind of conversation about it to find out how open YOU were to the idea? Yeah, pig seems more appropriate if you ask me. Ugh.

Honestly, the fact that he had a number of another woman WILLING to participate in a threesome tells me he's been up to no good LONG before this night ever happened.

I wouldn't trust him with a ten foot pole which is why his ass would be grass if it were up to me.

Do what you want but please don't be naive.

Good luck.

November 5, 2014

You need to take a long hard look at your marriage and weigh up the pros and cons.

Is the "quality attention" you seek possible with this man, or is the threesome thing an indication that perhaps you are not really in tune with each other.

Can you forgive him over this, or will this always be a running sore?

November 6, 2014

Due to this incident and many other issues between us I am having serious thoughts of divorce....

Opinions/advice please??

Can you be more specific about the other issues?

If this is a one-off event, it's merely incredibly stupid.

If this is part of an overall pattern, for me it would be the proverbial straw...

Mr. Lucky

November 7, 2014

The pattern is- that every so often- seems like once a year or so- a situation will like this one will arise that makes me act like a totally jealous bitch. I don't think I am being crazy or unreasonable but I am tired of being set up to become that person because that is not who I am & it is very stressful.

November 8, 2014

He is testing your boundaries in a cruel way and that is a huge red flag.

This will make you anxious and upset and leaves you in a state of apprehension. Too many unanswered questions here over this incident, and that is highly stressful for you.

He knows what is going on, and you don't really. This leaves him in control and you helpless.

No man who truly loved you would want to see you like this, so I am a bit worried that this is part of a game to wear you down and gain total control over you.

You mention "other issues", could they also be about control?

November 8, 2014

The pattern is- that every so often- seems like once a year or so- a situation will like this one will arise that makes me act like a totally jealous bitch. I don't think I am being crazy or unreasonable but I am tired of being set up to become that person because that is not who I am & it is very stressful.

I'm not sure why you insist on staying with a man who treats you in such a way, and who makes you feel like this. Btw, my guess is that he probably cheats on you quite a bit. He has all the makings of a serial cheater.

November 8, 2014

Your situation is loaded with danger and possibly a great sex life. My wife was as straight as they come but was willing to fulfill my desire for a threesome. She chose her recently divorced best friend to have sex with me because she was complaining about not having any for a long time. When we were through, my wife joined us in bed and the three of us had sex. The girls only kissrf a few times and manly concentrated on me. Long story short, that was the start of a 38 year threesome with the ladies eventually having sex with each other but only in our threesome. They were never once sexual with each other without me as part of it. They had oral once or twice when they were very drunk but most of the time it was caressing and kissing and using vibrators on each other. That may technically be bisexual behavior but when I asked my wife last year if she considered herself a bisexual, she said that she never thought about it before. There you go.

There are dangers in having a threesome and dangers if you do not. If you do not and your husband has strong urge to have sex with another woman, he may cheat on you. Most men I knew cheated on their wives. I did not have to.

If you do try a threesome its success depends greatly on you. You need to set ground rules so that your husband does not do anything that you would not like. That can be intercourse, anal or anything else that may bother you. Keep in mind though that sex with a new person will usually excite a man more than a long time partner would. Make allowances for that and do not think it means he likes her a lot more than you. Also be prepared for some rules to be broken in the heat of the moment. If you are insecure about your looks and sexual abilities, a threesome is not recommended unless you find someone that you consider no threat at all.

My wife chose her g/f because she is not the type of woman I would even consider living with. She did not believe a woman should take care of the house or cook and clean. My wife made her bed each morning, cleaned up after her and fed her. My wife is a nurturer so she did not mind. As far as the sex goes, our g/f was not so good at conventional sex but liked to dominate me in bed. My wife was the opposite. She liked romantic love making type sex so there was no comparison.

One list bit of advice to take or leave as you see fit is be careful who you choose to invite into your threesome should you go ahead with it. Despite our success with bringing in my wife's best friend, relationship experts advise against that. The reason is because it is more dangerous to have sex with someone you know and have some sort of emotional bond with than it would be with a total stranger. Best to do it with someone you meet on vacation that you will never see again. Two couples we knew ended up divorced because the husband ran off with a friend of the wife whom she trusted not to betray her. Seems that the heart wants what the heart wants despite friendship.

That is all the advice I can give you. It can work and it can be disastrous. You will not know until you try it. If you try it make your ground rules very clear to all participants. Also you may find that the other woman may be just as uncomfortable and nervous as you. Sometimes the guy cannot get an erection due to his nervousness. It rarely goes like your fantasy version. My wife and I were all excited about wife swapping with very good friends and we both hated it. They were good friends but not the type of sex partners we like. He was too rough with my wife and after being with his wife who wanted me to hurt her more than I was comfortable doing with someone I never has sex with before, I could see what he left bruises on my wife. That was when we decided to just stick with our threesome and never had sex with anyone else but the three of us.

Good luck and hope it all works out for you. Sorry for the very long post but I have been there and done that and knew a lot of kinky couples who were not as lucky as we were. Life is a risk.

November 8, 2014

Sorry for my post above. I read the original post and just hit reply. I did not realize that this post was going to have twist and turns to it like some of the online stories I read. Any outside sex play must be with the full knowledge and consent of the other or you are playing with fire. I just wanted to let the original poster know, if this is true post, that it could work and also the dangers of having it or not having it. Apparently the danger of not having it is occurring. Sorry to hear that.

November 8, 2014

He'd obviously had some level of intimacy with this woman previously. At least enough to know she would sleep with him.

I don't think this was nearly as innocent as you've made it out to be in your mind. Trust me, this guy cheats on you.

November 9, 2014

About a year ago my husband & I went out to a movie and then went to a bar to have a few drinks and play pool. Shortly after we got there a woman who we had met a few weeks prior showed up. I found out later that my husband called her to meet us there. Why he had her number is still a mystery to me... We met her at a different bar a few weeks prior. She has a few mutual friends and she is a friend of a friend. When she showed up I didn't think much of it and we proceeded to play pool and drink. Eventually I told my husband I thought it was time to go home. He said his goodbyes and then asked this other woman if she was ready to go home with us! It totally confused me. As we walked outside with her she was saying things like "I'm not trying to be the other woman, I like you the best etc etc....." I stopped her right there. I was like "wait what in the hell is going on here??!!" looking right at my husband - He didn't have any response.
I told the woman I am not gay or bisexual and I don't know what my husband told her or what she was expecting and then we left without her. This woman was not even good looking in my opinion!!
I was completely shocked that my husband did that!! I have had many conversations with him about why he did that and what he was thinking. The main thing he does/says is try to assure me I don't have to worry about him ever doing that to me again. The thing is I am worried!! I just can't stop thinking that he wants to be with other women. Maybe he thought if I was invited it wouldn't be considered cheating. I want to trust him and have no reason to think he is doing anything behind my back. Then again I am a very busy person and I don't track his every move.
I just think that if he wants to have multiple women maybe he should move to Utah & become a polygamist Mormon. I have told him that before also. If that is they type of sex life he wants to have he will never have that with me. I don't want him to resent me for keeping him from all his fantasies.
He has apologized many times for it and he thinks I should just get over it. I don't know if our love can ever be the same....

Due to this incident and many other issues between us I am having serious thoughts of divorce....

Opinions/advice please??

Sounds like your husband was having an affair with her and somehow thought it would be okay for him to bring her home and have a 3 some without your permission hoping you'd be alright with that. YUCK!!

No you shouldn't just get over it. This didn't "just" happen. This OW and him have a thing together, no way did this just come up all of a sudden.

November 9, 2014

The pattern is- that every so often- seems like once a year or so- a situation will like this one will arise that makes me act like a totally jealous bitch. I don't think I am being crazy or unreasonable but I am tired of being set up to become that person because that is not who I am & it is very stressful.

So if you've been together 5 years, he's done things equally damaging to your trust and relationship five times?

And you've put up with this because......???

Mr. Lucky

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Husband tried to have a threesome!- but I am not gay or bi!!

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