Toodaloo Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 I thought it might be useful if we all shared the red flags we ignored so we can all learn from them... Here are some from previous relationships; 1. Continual comments from his friends that he didn't "bother" with any of them or his family unless they put the effort in 2. Drinking a lot and very frequently. 3. Asking me to stay away/ leave the room during discussions with family/ friends 4. Going very quiet for a while then "bursts" of energy and attention 5. Comments from friends about how "lazy" he is 6. Attempts to stop me spending time with other people or talking to other people (regardless of gender) 7. Never having "enough" money/ planning things that they can't afford Just a few off the top of my head... please continue and help me learn from your mistakes as well as my own Thanks!
Darren2013 Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 What about a guy who doesn't have the courage to ask you out assuming you had any initial interest in him? Is that a red flag or just a personal preference that you want a guy to take risks to get what he wants? Some issues are obviously red flags as it applies universally the likelihood of harm down the road. Other issues are gray areas and can just be an individual's preference. I wouldn't date a woman who wants kids. Is that a red flag she wants kids? No but it just goes against my personal agenda of wanting to be free from that responsibility. Hopefully she doesn't think it is a red flag that I don't want kids but just that our long term goals don't match.
Author Toodaloo Posted November 5, 2014 Author Posted November 5, 2014 What about a guy who doesn't have the courage to ask you out assuming you had any initial interest in him? Is that a red flag or just a personal preference that you want a guy to take risks to get what he wants? Darren honey - your not going to get into a relationship if you keep running away are you? So that makes the whole point mute! Your red flags are personal to you. So if you don't want kids and she does yes that would count as a red flag!
OwMyEyeball Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 For future dates I'm tempted to keep a handful of miniature red flags in my pocket if the topic of past relationships comes up. When it does I'll reach in, pull out a few and slide them across the table with a coy smile saying: "In case you haven't found any yet." Maybe I'll take it even further and write little comments on each flag "Wastes money on silly props" "Occasional nail biter" "Stealth kisser" Seriously, though, I've never really sat down and analyzed my "red flags" for any kind of relationship (business, platonic, romantic, etc.). I go on intuition and if something seems really off I disengage. Each behaviour, subtle and overt, ties into a broader web of patterns that starts to define that person. Taking out strands from the web and listing them, or really taking to heart those of others, is more of a hindrance ... I get into analysis paralysis. Maybe that can go onto one of my miniature red flags "Tends to overthink" 1
Author Toodaloo Posted November 5, 2014 Author Posted November 5, 2014 For future dates I'm tempted to keep a handful of miniature red flags in my pocket if the topic of past relationships comes up. When it does I'll reach in, pull out a few and slide them across the table with a coy smile saying: "In case you haven't found any yet." Maybe I'll take it even further and write little comments on each flag "Wastes money on silly props" "Occasional nail biter" "Stealth kisser" Seriously, though, I've never really sat down and analyzed my "red flags" for any kind of relationship (business, platonic, romantic, etc.). I go on intuition and if something seems really off I disengage. Each behaviour, subtle and overt, ties into a broader web of patterns that starts to define that person. Taking out strands from the web and listing them, or really taking to heart those of others, is more of a hindrance ... I get into analysis paralysis. Maybe that can go onto one of my miniature red flags "Tends to overthink" Oh I love it! I have images of you actually doing that now My problem I think is that I don't listen to my head enough and I want to change that so my head looks after my heart a bit better. All the things that made my last few relationship fail (and I am going back over a lot of years here as they have been longer and I have been more committed - they may not have been but I was...) were actually there right from the beginning. I chose to ignore them and not listen to what my head was telling me... or many other people either!!! I am running out of time. I don't want to rush into anything and I want to take my time and make sure I am not ignoring all those things that I know would doom any future relationship I have to fail... I just want to make sure my brain engages before anything else this time. Give myself a chance rather than sabotage myself yet again.
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