BUTTERFLY890 Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 (edited) I'm going to break up with my boyfriend, he won't really know its coming the thing is we've had our ups and down he has self esteem issues a lot of them he has recently just asked me to help him out with. I don't have problem helping him but how can i let him down gently and is their any possible way for me to still help him . Ironically i believe that he projects any "self- confidence" he has on me and i help him feel confident because he says he has a "hot girlfriend" but at the same time i think i also cause him a lot of insecurities because he gets jealous and deep insides knows that i feel a disconnect in our relationship. So whats the best way to let him down? It is also my sisters birthday this weekend and we are going to vegas I plan to break up with him this week but don't want him to think i doing it because Vegas is this weekend. We've had our ups sand downs i feel that their is a disconnect and deep inside i feel that he knows that to. should i let him know their is a disconnect when i break up with him or is that too harsh? Can i help with his self esteem issues and break up with I'm at the same time? Im thinking maybe the best way is to just break up with him for now and let it bet. I just feel so bad. I do love him very much and he's become one of my best friends. I just want to do this as gently as possible Edited November 5, 2014 by BUTTERFLY890
ScreaminEagle Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 I don't think there is really an easy way to break up with someone, especially someone with insecurities. I think the best way to do it is to be completely honest, do not sugar coat anything. If you are not happy in this relationship because he is insecure, you can help him by telling him exactly why you are breaking up with him and how it is taking a toll on you. Relationships in my opinion are give and take, but do you really want to be his emotional tampon? I understand he has insecurities, but you trying to help him will eventually be draining, hence the disconnect you are feeling. If you are really wanting to save the relationship and your sanity, ask him to see a therapist to try and get over his issues are, if not you have to lay it out to him nicely but honestly, so maybe that will inspire him to get some help with his insecurities for his next relationship.
blur2007 Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 This post is one big oxymoron. When someone gets dumped or rejected it's going to hurt their self esteem no matter what. There really is no easy way to do it so its either break up or stay in something you don't feel anymore. Sometimes the right thing to do is also the hardest. Best of luck.
Assasda Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 Tell him you want to break it off, then tell him, its not him, its you. - Use that classic line
Frank2thepoint Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 Just be honest with him. Tell him his insecurities have pushed you away. The only help you should offer him is to tell him he needs to work on his insecurities. That is his obstacle that he needs to overcome.
patriciasex Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 I think we should start being clear about the difference between "self-esteem issues" and "insecurity" on one hand, and feeling unsure about the status of the relationship on the other. I have been on both sides of this equation several times. I am very confident and I am not controlling in the least. But there have been several times when I felt insecure about my relationship - not myself, my relationship. Too often women point at men and sense "insecurity" and what they are really seeing is "uncertainty" and worry - and sometimes out right anxiety about the signals she is sending him. This may be the biggest elephant in the room of all time - when my girlfriend has too many male friends, or dresses a certain way, or has that female friend who I know is not a friend of the relationship, or has that one male coworker who I know will be trouble, these are all signs that my relationship is not in good hands. Any one of these signs can be laughed off or ignored, but if you put a bunch together you have a problem. So when a man or a woman acts like a player (to take it to the extreme) it is perfectly reasonable to expect their partner to not be okay with that. And if that partner expresses concern and is called "insecure" the very best course of action is to end that relationship quickly. So I agree - end it with this guy. Do not worry about his feelings. He is right to feel insecure with you - you are going to Vegas without him! This is the perfect time to break up! He deserves a woman who is in a different place than you. 2
Redhead14 Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 I'm going to break up with my boyfriend, he won't really know its coming the thing is we've had our ups and down he has self esteem issues a lot of them he has recently just asked me to help him out with. I don't have problem helping him but how can i let him down gently and is their any possible way for me to still help him . Ironically i believe that he projects any "self- confidence" he has on me and i help him feel confident because he says he has a "hot girlfriend" but at the same time i think i also cause him a lot of insecurities because he gets jealous and deep insides knows that i feel a disconnect in our relationship. So whats the best way to let him down? It is also my sisters birthday this weekend and we are going to vegas I plan to break up with him this week but don't want him to think i doing it because Vegas is this weekend. We've had our ups sand downs i feel that their is a disconnect and deep inside i feel that he knows that to. should i let him know their is a disconnect when i break up with him or is that too harsh? Can i help with his self esteem issues and break up with I'm at the same time? Im thinking maybe the best way is to just break up with him for now and let it bet. I just feel so bad. I do love him very much and he's become one of my best friends. I just want to do this as gently as possible Unless you are a qualified therapist, you cannot help him effectively. He has to want to make the changes and work on them himself. There is never any easy way to break up with someone. All you should do is do it with respect and directly. You will be doing him no favors by trying to keep a connection with him. He will continue to use you as a crutch. He needs to stand on his own two feet and do the work that is required. It doesn't matter that Vegas is coming up. Do it before that. It will give you the immediate space you need to create for making the break. Take the time you need to process this break up, enjoy your life, and move on.
Mrin Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 Just my two cents here but if you are really worried about not hurting his feelings then doing it before the Vegas trip might be just the ticket. Let him consciously or subconsciously spin the breakup as you just wanted to go party and meet men in Vegas. Sure, your image in his mind takes a bit of a beating but who cares. You're breaking up with him. You don't get to see or influence how he sees you after you utter those fateful words. Move along. Best of luck and as an aside, I totally understand why you are breaking up with him
smackie9 Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 His issues are not your problem. It doesn't matter how gently you break the news to him, or explain why, he is going to come to his own conclusion anyways. Not your problem!
d0nnivain Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 Don't tell him his insecurities are pushing you away. All that is going to do is make him promise to change which is impossible in the short run. Just say this isn't working for you & you want out. Wish him well & you move on. Specifics are only going to cause him to try to fix the problem, then he's going to push & push until you see how he's changed when it reality nothing will have changed & you will be more miserable. 2
preraph Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 You can't fix a person's self-esteem problems. You are just a Band-Aid. You have to make him deal with reality. I would tell him he has many fine qualities, but you're just not feeling it and that his jealousy and insecurity is always going to hold him back if he doesn't deal with it. He promises to change, tell him no, you are moving on, but that if he does change, he will soon find another girlfriend. Don't agree to remain friends or he will drain you. Self-esteem problems are best fixed by the person with the problem, by setting and achieving goals in life. When that fails, therapy to find out how it started and maybe rethink things.
Omei Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 Don't tell him his insecurities are pushing you away. All that is going to do is make him promise to change which is impossible in the short run. Just say this isn't working for you & you want out. Wish him well & you move on. Specifics are only going to cause him to try to fix the problem, then he's going to push & push until you see how he's changed when it reality nothing will have changed & you will be more miserable. This and when you break up with him please don't try to help him or assume your presence after will ease his pain, go No contact after let him heal the loss of you, without any false hopes of your return. 2
Zapbasket Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 Every one of us has to learn to love ourselves first before we can effectively love another in a mutual, trusting, healthy relationship. And every one of us has to learn to do that on our own, once we become adults. This to say: you're doing what is best, breaking up with him. It never works to be someone's "fixer" of their emotional problems. (I've learned this the very hard way.)
NJ123 Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 Basically he's going to think it has to do with Vegas. I guarantee you it's going to be on his mind that you wanted to have "fun" there. If you do it before the trip he'll think that, and if you do it after, he'll think you met someone down there that you slept with. Unfortunate timing to break up with him. I've heard multiple times of people going to Vegas without their SOs & it ends very badly a lot of the time.
Author BUTTERFLY890 Posted November 6, 2014 Author Posted November 6, 2014 yea hes invited to Vegas of course! Ive been contemplating breaking up with him for over 2 and a half weeks now but, i just don't want him to think that I'm breaking up with I'm because of vegas
NJ123 Posted November 6, 2014 Posted November 6, 2014 yea hes invited to Vegas of course! Ive been contemplating breaking up with him for over 2 and a half weeks now but, i just don't want him to think that I'm breaking up with I'm because of vegas Oh, I thought u meant you were going without him. Do you plan on doing things without him while in Vegas? Or are you going to be with him throughout your stay there? He'd probably be suspicious if you break up with him soon after if you went to a club without him for instance while there. He'd be going through scenarios in his head about what happened on the trip.
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