NEVER invited out with boyfriend's coworkers

[angelfire138]

Thanks! I hope that giving the relationship some breathing room will help us both figure out what we really want. Whether he will make a real attempt to resolve whatever issues he has, though, remains to be seen.

 

When I told him, he was initially upset, but said that even though he wanted me to stay, if this was what I wanted / needed, he wouldn't stop me.

 

He kept going back to "Its just ONE party! I don't get why you're getting so upset over it, its not a big deal!" I had to remind him several times that it was the fifth or sixth wedding, not just one party.

 

Edit: Haha, I don't think I'd have the guts to just show up! Although it would be interesting if I did...

Edited November 6, 2014 by angelfire138

[stillcold]

Again, thanks to all of you for taking the time to read this and respond. Just an update. He wanted to talk again today, so we did. I confronted him about all the excuses / lies. He maintains that he just wanted to "protect" me from awkwardness with his one co-worker that didn't like me, but he even admitted she would be civil, as would I. And he admitted that his other coworkers would be nice and friendly to me, at least, the ones I don't know. I still doubt that's the true reason, though. He also still maintains that he talks well of me at work, doesn't try to act single, that all his coworkers knows he has a serious girlfriend, which, obviously is what I expected him to say.

 

Eventually, I told him I was going to move out. Clearly he has some issues that he needs to sort out before he even thinks of being in a committed relationship. And, it would give me some space and time to think about what it is I really want, whether it's from him, someone else, or just life in general. I'm going to move back in with my parents for awhile, maybe get my own apartment after a few months, and see where it goes from there.

 

Hey OP, I'm glad you made that choice to move out and think about yourself and your relationship; I'm really, really, really glad and happy for you to have made that choice. It is my best wish that you do the right thing and what you did was exactly that; the right choice, even if it hurts or is hard to do, always is the best course of action simply because it is the right thing to do in the grand scheme of things. Harmony isn't always established through harmony, as sometimes there must be chaos before there is harmony.

 

In regard to the things I bolded, I just wanted to point out that again, those are weak excuses on his part. If he truly wanted to protect you like he claims, then why would he get angry and tell you that he was going to make things miserable for you if his intention was to protect you? Clearly things don't add up in his logic. He was trying to protect himself for whatever reasons that we have discussed above and possibly others that we are not aware about. Just know that you have made the right choice, and hopefully our advice and insight will further help reinforce and validate the choice you have made.

 

Best wishes OP, you made the right choice!

[almond]

Congratulations. You seem very level headed, secure, and patient...but you know when to cut your losses.

 

Clever girl. Bigger and better things are ahead of you!!

 

This thread was a refreshing read...all too often, people know what needs to be done but can't. Well done

[beach]

Does he still work with the gal that he was emotionally connected

to?

 

Has he found the new job he said he would?

[acrosstheuniverse]

I just want to say OP that I am impressed by your strength. This was a REALLY hard thing to do, moving out, but you took everything into the account and did what needed to be done even though it must be really painful and heartbreaking right now (especially if things between you on the whole aren't at breaking point yet, it's just certain issues that are really tough to handle).

 

I don't think he's too upset about you moving out, based on the 'I won't stop you if it's what you want/need to do' rather than 'I'm sorry my behaviour is making you feel this way, and I want to make it right'. It seems as though whatever is keeping you away from his co workers is more important to him than keeping your relationship going.

 

Kudos to you, most posters come here and ask a tough question, then ignore the advice they get because it's too painful to act on. It's very rare to see somebody actually stand up for themselves (and I include myself in those who have at times taken the easier/less painful route rather than doing what I know in my head is the right thing).

 

Keep us posted if there are any new developments, won't you.

[Standard-Fare]

He kept going back to "Its just ONE party! I don't get why you're getting so upset over it, its not a big deal!" I had to remind him several times that it was the fifth or sixth wedding, not just one party.

 

Angelfire, I noticed that you had posted about this EXACT same problem back in 2012. You know, two years ago?? Same issue with the b*tchy coworker, you not being invited to things. So don't let your boyfriend for one second get away with this crap about "it's just one party." It's a repeated and troubling pattern, and there's something going on beneath the surface.

 

I do think given everything you've written that the problem is somehow rooted with this one coworker. But who knows if you will ever know the truth about the exact nature of that.

 

Congratulations on having the strength to make the difficult step to move out.

[angelfire138]

No, it's true. Things on a whole are actually fine between us, but we seem to disagree on the same few issues over and over, this being one of them.

 

On the contrary, he has told me he doesn't understand the big deal. That if I wanted to see my coworkers or friends without him, he wouldn't mind. BUT, he also knows that he is invited to the majority of my friends'/coworker gatherings and big social events.

 

I totally get the whole thing with people posting their problems and then taking the easy way out. Before this week, I was one of those people. I've had my reservations with my bf before, but I chose to stick it out because it was easier.

 

I felt that he just wasn't interested, or wasn't ready in really committing to somebody, even though I know he loves me, and I do love him. I understand that I have to take some of the blame, for not speaking up for myself earlier and letting him put the blame onto me.

 

It wasn't an easy decision. We didn't completely break it off, just agreed to see each other less, maybe once or twice a week as opposed to nearly everyday, as we do now. I had told him I wanted us to take the space to figure out what we really wanted. I guess I wanted to see if he would even make an effort to try and address whatever issues he was having. My gut feeling is no, but it's worth one shot.

 

He is still working with the same girl, though he insists that he doesn't talk to her nearly as much as before. Obviously, what goes on with him and her, or anyone else at work, I'll never know. She doesn't text or call him nearly as much anymore, either, at least not to my knowledge. He never left that job, though he says he wants to find a better place to work. We're both in healthcare, so he honestly could find another job anywhere he wanted.

 

I have a feeling this is heading toward a breakup, but one chance and that's all he gets.

[Standard-Fare]

It sounds like there could be any number of possibilities with this coworker.

 

Whether they're in love with each other, or whether they just get off on playing games with each other, there's something going on there. Who knows if there's been any physical element. It sounds like they might have hooked up at some point before you started dating, so there could be dangling threads there.

 

It sounds like the coworker, too, regularly attends events without her partner (her husband). So your BF and her have been to a number of weddings together "solo" ... who knows how they interact there.

 

My guess is everyone in the office has witnessed this bond of theirs, even while knowing your BF is dating you. So THAT is probably the awkward element your BF doesn't want you to see... eyes staring at you, wondering how you and the coworker will handle each other.

 

I'm just guessing here, based on what I've read. I really think you won't ever know.

[angelfire138]

Angelfire, I noticed that you had posted about this EXACT same problem back in 2012. You know, two years ago?? Same issue with the b*tchy coworker, you not being invited to things. So don't let your boyfriend for one second get away with this crap about "it's just one party." It's a repeated and troubling pattern, and there's something going on beneath the surface.

 

I do think given everything you've written that the problem is somehow rooted with this one coworker. But who knows if you will ever know the truth about the exact nature of that.

 

Congratulations on having the strength to make the difficult step to move out.

 

Thank you Wow, I remembered I had posted something similar before, but I didn't remember what it was. Seems like she is still indirectly causing trouble. I had forgotten that she had bad-mouthed me to my then-supervisor in front of me (they were friends, and no surprise that's the other coworker who doesn't like me).

 

Thinking about it now, my boyfriend did the same thing when his family didn't like his ex-wife. He just kept them apart from each other and she didn't attend his family events.

[beach]

By keeping you departed he is hiding things.

 

When people have nothing to hide - they hide nothing.

 

He may like you sitting at home looking pretty waiting for him - but the fact that he doesn't include you in his life events is telling. Since he isn't considering how to change it - and knows it hurts you - there's nothing to consider with him moving forward.

 

Glad you're moving. How soon?

[Timshel]

This is about you Angelfire, but I will tell you a short story about myself in the hope that it gives you some courage.

I was married twice and 42 before finally found out what "true love" is. I did not know because I had not met the right person yet. When I did meet him, there was everything that a person would want in a relationship. We were best friends, lovers, partners. It was easy, not hard. Simple, straightforward, uncomplicated, honest, beautiful. I know how fairytale like this sounds but the truth is it was so natural and grounded and real.

There was never a question of whether or not we would get married, there were no lines in the sand, no this is mine and that is yours. We did things together, we did things apart, effortlessly.

We were married and shared the happiest 2 1/2 years of our lives together before he was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. 9 months later he died.

I am still young enough to have another relationship and maybe someday I will. What i do know is that if I do, it will be quality and it will be real. Knowing what I know now about love is like the difference between polyester and silk. I can never go back. Once you know it and have it, I would rather be alone than waste my time with bull****. LIFE IS TOO SHORT!!

Good luck to you and best wishes. You seem like a really great person. You'll be fine, sweetie, he's the loser in this, not you.

[Blade96]

I don't care if it's a friend, a neighbor, a boyfriend, a cousin, or the cat down the street. If you two are supposed to be close and they start avoiding to bring you out to anything - and this is 3 or 4 years or so! - something is going on. It is not normal to avoid hanging with someone you are supposedly "soclose" to. As other people say it's work stuff so they don't have to bring you all the time - but the fact he's avoiding at all. At. All. There is something going on.

[KatZee]

Honestly I think you're wasting your time "taking a step back to figure out what you both want."

 

It's obvious what this guy wants. He wants old faithful at home and the playboy lifestyle elsewhere.

 

You guys don't even have matched expectations or desires for the future. You want marriage, he does not. (Don't kid yourself into thinking he'll come around one day. He most certainly won't.)

 

He is a complete jerk to you, he invalidates your feelings by saying you're "over reacting." Puts other women before you, keeps you isolated from a big part of his life, doesn't even bring you around his son (after 3 years together and 1.5 living together? Really?)

 

As much as you want to think you're a big part of his life, you're not.

 

Moving out was a great step but enough with the "he gets one chance." Hes had perpetual "one chances" since 2012 apparently. Here you are two years later, same old problem, same old story.

 

You want marriage? Go find some who's actualy worth a lifelong commitment with. This guy is not it. You're gonna wind up here in 2016 making more threads about your live-in boyfriend of 5 years who never brings you anywhere and that you snooped and found out he has had another woman for the past three years.

 

The 2x4s are bashing you straight in the face. Pay attention.

[angelfire138]

Just wanted to say a sincere thank you to everyone who's responded and given me advice so far. I know we all have our own issues to deal with, but thank you for taking the time to listen to mine.

 

TimShel, wow, thank you for sharing your story. It's a beautiful one

 

Kat, thanks for the blunt response! I think it's what I need to hear.

 

Ok, let me answer some questions and clarify some things. He does take me around his son, and we all spend time together on most of the weekends he has him. His son and I get along very well. In fact, that was something that had confused me initially. I'm invited to the majority of his family events, and even his friends' (when it's not just a guys' night type of thing). But when it came to his coworkers' events it was a different beast altogether.

 

He admitted that he has trouble with committing himself fully to someone. He also said yesterday that his coworker STILL bad mouths me at work, that whenever someone brings me up, she makes some snarky comment. However, he says that he defends me, but she still won't stop. Mind you, I haven't spoken a word to this woman in over three years.

 

He also said that in deciding who gets to come to these events, that a group of them all decided "no partners allowed", that his female coworker had said to him "I dont like your girlfriend and I dont want her to come" No surprise there that the group that always goes out, and attends these social events, consists of singles or unhappily married coworkers, and him. He said his other married / committed coworkers rarely attend those events. I also happen to know that he avoids conflict, and this girl is loud and bossy.

 

I'm moving out on Sunday, when he's at the wedding solo. Planned for earlier but my mom's fixing up the house, and both my dogs are in the hospital so we've been preoccupied with that. I'm actually looking forward to having some space and catching up with the family!

[Blade96]

his female coworker had said to him "I dont like your girlfriend and I dont want her to come"

 

Who made her the host? Unless she is the one inviting people, that is not her decision. And any good boyfriend, friend, neighbor whatever who is supposed to be thisclose to you, would say "you don't have to like her or talk to her or be near her if you don't want, but that's not your decision about who to invite."

 

It doesn't sound like he did that from your story.

 

It's just like me. I have a cousin I don't like. But if I happen to run into her at family gatherings where she was invited by another relative, I'd have to be civil, it's not my place to say she can't go.

 

I was glad to read that you moved out. This dude is really shady.