NEVER invited out with boyfriend's coworkers

November 5, 2014

You make a good point. Yeah, I told him I knew she didn't like me from day 1. I also felt like there was still something he wasn't telling me. Initially he had said "well my coworkers don't like you and don't want you there". Btw, half those coworkers that go to those events don't know me, so unless somebody was talking smack about me, I didn't understand how they could dislike me without knowing me. Then he said it was just his co-supervisor and that other coworker who left the company.

I made that deal with him because when he said "fine, I'll bring you, but you'll see how miserable you'll be and then you'll realize how unreasonable you were being", it was more out of anger, and he almost made it seem like that he was going to make sure I was miserable so I would never want to go out with them again. And I just thought that if that's the case, maybe it's better that he just decline, period.

Unless you want to deal with a man like this who gets angry for spending time with his girlfriend, I can guarantee this is NOT the norm for many, many, many guys in normal relationships. OP this is a big red flag, I'm 100% sure your gut says it too and you would not treat him the same if you were in his shoes. Your friends told you he is a player from the start and I'm suspecting this is exactly what's happening. He's giving you a hard time literally over nothing but that's the funny thing: why would he give you a hard time over "nothing" unless there actually is "something" more to it? Given his BS excuses and his reputation as a player, I'm sure he's lying to you.

If I were you, I'd decline the invite and try to go there without him knowing. That way, you can catch him or rest assured that he's not doing anything wrong and he just happens to like alone time. Or else, I'd seriously confront him and even break it off with him over this.

November 5, 2014

You make a good point. Yeah, I told him I knew she didn't like me from day 1. I also felt like there was still something he wasn't telling me. Initially he had said "well my coworkers don't like you and don't want you there". Btw, half those coworkers that go to those events don't know me, so unless somebody was talking smack about me, I didn't understand how they could dislike me without knowing me. Then he said it was just his co-supervisor and that other coworker who left the company.

I made that deal with him because when he said "fine, I'll bring you, but you'll see how miserable you'll be and then you'll realize how unreasonable you were being", it was more out of anger, and he almost made it seem like that he was going to make sure I was miserable so I would never want to go out with them again. And I just thought that if that's the case, maybe it's better that he just decline, period.

What sort of deal is that, though? You still don't get the opportunity to meet these people and enjoy an event as a couple. I think you should absolutely go. You just gave him exactly what he wanted, ie another way to keep you at a distance. He shouldn't be so angry about this. Most guys would be happy to bring their partners along to a couple work outings here and there. Instead, your guy lies about not being "allowed" to invite you and gives your grief when you call him out on it. There is a problem here, OP. If I were you, I would find out what exactly it is.

November 5, 2014

I made that deal with him because when he said "fine, I'll bring you, but you'll see how miserable you'll be and then you'll realize how unreasonable you were being", it was more out of anger, and he almost made it seem like that he was going to make sure I was miserable so I would never want to go out with them again. And I just thought that if that's the case, maybe it's better that he just decline, period.

Then you should really ask yourself why he would intentionally do things to make you miserable and never want to go with him again or at least why you felt that way. Be honest with yourself about the possible causes.

November 5, 2014

Yes, agreed! This was the first time he used the "my coworkers don't like you" excuse. He said he lied about not allowing dates because he didn't want to hurt my feelings. I called BS on him, because that's not anything new to me, and he knew that. And he knows how I am. Even if someone didn't like me, I'd always be at the very least, polite to them, if it was in public, so it wouldn't have been a problem, not on my end.

Everytime I talked to him, it was a different excuse. In fact, when I asked him about this, he turned it back on me and said "why do you even want to go so badly? You don't even like or know most of the coworkers who are going" FYI, I only don't like one of them, his co-supervisor, and only because she disliked me, first, and has caused a problem in our relationship.

And yes, combined with other issues we have had, I came thisclose to breaking it off with him.

I guess I just didn't want to go because of what he made it sound like, that he/they would make sure I was miserable enough to never ask for another invite again.

November 5, 2014

But how am I ever going to find out the real problem if he keeps me away from his coworkers, and always gives me a different answer?

He's going to another coworker wedding alone on Sunday. This coworker was always good to me, and I would have loved to be there for his big day. BF told me "I don't know what you want now but I'm still not bringing you on Sunday"

November 5, 2014

But how am I ever going to find out the real problem if he keeps me away from his coworkers, and always gives me a different answer?

He's going to another coworker wedding alone on Sunday. This coworker was always good to me, and I would have loved to be there for his big day. BF told me "I don't know what you want now but I'm still not bringing you on Sunday"

Your boyfriend sounds like a right jerk, OP. He is being completely unsympathetic and nasty to you. I'm sorry, but I am starting to think he is hiding you from someone who is in attendance at these events, and I don't think it's the co-worker he claims doesn't like you.

November 5, 2014

But how am I ever going to find out the real problem if he keeps me away from his coworkers, and always gives me a different answer?

He's going to another coworker wedding alone on Sunday. This coworker was always good to me, and I would have loved to be there for his big day. BF told me "I don't know what you want now but I'm still not bringing you on Sunday"

OP, look at how different your and his desires are! You want to be there with HIM while he wants to be there WITHOUT you. If you were my girlfriend OP, I would love to have you at whatever event there is, especially after 3 YEARS of being with you! I guarantee he is either:

A) hiding something from you (an affair, etc.)

B) not bringing you along since it will ruin his reputation of a player, and by being alone he'll be able to flirt and hit on all the women he can which is a NO NO.

Either way, your guy is a jerk OP, you deserve so much better than this man. You think after three years he's going to get any better? After three years he's already very comfortable with you and shown his true colors; he's not going to get any better so take this as a big blessing and end your relationship. This is not normal!

November 5, 2014

Sounds like to me your b/f has someone on the side that he's seeing. Could be the co-supervisor or someone else completely. Way too many red-flags. Does he ever show any other odd behavior in terms of him possibly seeing someone else? Like going out at odd times, or saying he's going to be "late" coming home or anything like that?

November 5, 2014

I don't even think it matters anymore WHY the boyfriend is keeping the OP away from the co workers, chances are you may never find out the truth on that matter. Personally I think that he has something to gain by appearing single, or he doesn't want other people to have chance to speak to you and maybe let something slip. But that is a load of detail that is clouding the actual issue, that he DOES NOT WANT YOU WITH HIM. As his partner of three years, he doesn't want you there. What does that say about his feelings towards you?

You mentioned earlier he doesn't want to get married either, I assume you do or you wouldn't have mentioned it? What's the story there?

He doesn't sound hugely committed to be honest. Major events like weddings I would always want my boyfriend there with me. Minor events like, say, New Year's Eve I would want him there too. Girly weekends away or girly nights out I obviously wouldn't, but on the whole if I'm going somewhere and there's no good reason for him not to be invited, I'm inviting him then it's HIS choice whether he fancies it or not. We just moved to a new city and invited each other to our new work nights out because although it is normally a singular thing, a work night out, it didn't seem fair to be going out and having fun with the other person sat at home alone (we know very few people here yet) when they could be invited along to enjoy the fun too.

If there was a major event like a wedding or a thing where spouses are in attendance like a work Christmas party and he didn't even invite me I'd be concerned, if he purposefully went to efforts to keep me away like your bf has now done I'd be very worried about the future of the relationships.

Relationships are partnerships and the members of the happiest relationships love to be in public with their partner and share things with them. If you don't have that desire to be seen as a unit then it's usually that one of the partners doesn't have a couple mentality or they don't want people to know they're in a serious relationship, both of which can cause problems later on down the line. You don't have to be a joined-at-the-hip couple (I certainly have never been in a relationship like that) but he seems like he doesn't even want you around at all unless he's alone with you.

November 5, 2014

Oh my lord, Angelfire. The detail about this wedding Sunday that he still refuses to invite you to – you need to realize how completely unacceptable this is. It's not just immature, it's not just rude ... it's borderline cruel.

You are his partner of three years, and he's telling you you're "not allowed" to attend a public event with him with the people he spends the majority of his time with. NOT OK.

A wide variety of people here are unanimous in telling you how unreasonable he's being. Please don't let him spin this so that you believe YOU'RE the unreasonable one.

The problem is that when you break it down into the little details, like making a big deal out of an individual event – yeah, he can turn that into "Why are you being so petty and needy in harping on this meaningless thing?" But you need to force him to step back and look at the big picture of this. He is consistently refusing to acknowledge you publicly as his partner, he has not offered you one good reason for that, and yes that is a big problem.

I think you should move out and tell him to enjoy the wedding.

November 5, 2014

But how am I ever going to find out the real problem if he keeps me away from his coworkers, and always gives me a different answer?

He's going to another coworker wedding alone on Sunday. This coworker was always good to me, and I would have loved to be there for his big day. BF told me "I don't know what you want now but I'm still not bringing you on Sunday"

Is there a way for you to contact the coworkers you used to know? Maybe through Facebook? I'm sure they know what's up with him.

It sounds like his "new" coworkers don't even know he's in a relationship.

November 5, 2014

This may sound like game-playing but it's really not meant to be a game.

OP, you talk about how much you liked these co-workers and how you are still in touch with some of them, which does make it all the more weirder that he won't bring you along.

Why don't you get in touch with these people and organise a catch up? Something low key, just make a facebook group message and fire out 'hey y'all! So it's been a while since we had chance to properly catch up and *partner* is always telling me what you're all up to, anyone fancy grabbing a few drinks Thursday after work? There's so much to update you on!'

Meet them yourself, on your terms. Enjoy their company. And yes, don't invite the partner, seeing as he clearly does not want to be together in the presence of these co workers.

Plus given that you appear to be in a really difficult relationship and possibly an imminent break up, it'd be good for you to get back in touch with friends and go out and let loose and have some fun with them. Maybe something will come outta the woodwork about partner, but personally whatever else you do/don't find out I think it's time to cut him loose because he's a sack of crap.

November 5, 2014

T
Meet them yourself, on your terms. Enjoy their company. And yes, don't invite the partner, seeing as he clearly does not want to be together in the presence of these co workers.

I don't know what this would accomplish. It's not like the OP is actually obsessed with spending time/making friends with these coworkers. The issue is she wants her partner to include her in an important side of his life, and he's not.

November 5, 2014

I understand what you all are telling me. As far as the marriage thing is concerned, I do want to be married. Not now, but sometime in the next couple years. I'm in my early 30s already. He just constantly says he's not ready, or how he doesn't believe in marriage but would do it for me, and now he suddenly has a financial bind, a mortgage he has to pay off, something he's had for over a decade. Yet he never mentioned that as the reason for not being ready, until recently. And again, he had turned the question back to me. "Why do YOU want to get married?"

As far as his behaving strangely otherwise, no, not really. He does boys weekends and boys night once maybe once every 3-4 months on average and he always calls and tells me where he is. His friends usually post pics or status updates on FB about their weekends or nights out. I'd say his coworkers / company have these big events 2-3 times a year on average, and small after work dinners etc a little more often, but he usually comes home right after those. I honestly don't think it's an issue of him cheating, and I've never suspected him of doing so. Like some of you have mentioned, it may be an issue of him wanting to appear single / has been downplaying our relationship or talking badly abut me. He does work late once or twice a week, but I've picked him up from the workplace a few times.

And no its not an issue of wanting to make friends with his coworkers, but yeah, I do want to be included in that part of his life, but he's always been extremely adamant about me doing anything with them. For example, after his Christmas party last year, a group of them went out for karaoke and drinks. I said it would be fun if I swung by for an hour or so to join them, since I like karaoke, and say hello to everyone, but he gave me the same line, "No, it would look too weird, it's coworkers only"

I haven't told him yet, but after spending the night at my mom's place, I've decided to move out.

Edited November 5, 2014 by angelfire138

November 5, 2014

I haven't told him yet, but after spending the night at my mom's place, I've decided to move out.

Whoa, big move, but way to go girl! It's sad but he's not giving you much of a choice. I hope this step will ultimately lead him to come to his senses... but if it doesn't, I hope you will find some some peace with this.

This was a hard tale to read. Good luck.

November 5, 2014

But how am I ever going to find out the real problem if he keeps me away from his coworkers, and always gives me a different answer?

He's going to another coworker wedding alone on Sunday. This coworker was always good to me, and I would have loved to be there for his big day. BF told me "I don't know what you want now but I'm still not bringing you on Sunday"

He said he'd bring you. Now he states he's not bringing you.

This guy is hiding some things from you.

He's a jerk to you.

Why are you settling for so little from him? He's not worthy of trusting.

November 5, 2014

He gets together with his coworkers every now and then, but usually for big social events like weddings (at least 1-3 every year), baby showers, bridal showers, and smaller gatherings such as after-work dinners or post-Christmas party after-parties.

I just have to ask -- your boyfriend goes to baby showers and bridal showers? Those are typically all female events, and if they aren't, they are for couples. Add me to the list of people who think this all sounds shady. Obviously you wouldn't be expected to go to every single work event, but he really does seem to be purposely excluding you.

November 5, 2014

I glad to read you are moving out. Why not formally end it knowing he doesn't make you his top priority?

Do that FOR YOURSELF.

November 5, 2014

There's plenty of guys who draw lines. Taking a woman to a wedding always brings up the question of marriage. He's already let you know you're not the one or he's nowhere near ready, one of the two. I think he is in his own way keeping an avenue to meet other women. Weddings a great place to do that. Work too. I think he is purposely excluding you to keep his options open and not let anyone think he's "taken." Sorry. You ought to set a time limit in your mind that if he hasn't advanced the relationship by so many months, you'll pull the plug.

November 5, 2014

I'm also glad to read that you're moving out. This guy is obviously keeping something from you, and I agree it's most likely either a dalliance with a co-worker, or the freedom to behave as a single guy and flirt with the women at these get-togethers.

In my experience, when a man really loves you, it makes him glow to present you to his friends and colleagues.

November 5, 2014

In my experience, when a man really loves you, it makes him glow to present you to his friends and colleagues.

Yep. That's the main point here.

November 6, 2014

Again, thanks to all of you for taking the time to read this and respond. Just an update. He wanted to talk again today, so we did. I confronted him about all the excuses / lies. He maintains that he just wanted to "protect" me from awkwardness with his one co-worker that didn't like me, but he even admitted she would be civil, as would I. And he admitted that his other coworkers would be nice and friendly to me, at least, the ones I don't know. I still doubt that's the true reason, though. He also still maintains that he talks well of me at work, doesn't try to act single, that all his coworkers knows he has a serious girlfriend, which, obviously is what I expected him to say.

Eventually, I told him I was going to move out. Clearly he has some issues that he needs to sort out before he even thinks of being in a committed relationship. And, it would give me some space and time to think about what it is I really want, whether it's from him, someone else, or just life in general. I'm going to move back in with my parents for awhile, maybe get my own apartment after a few months, and see where it goes from there.

November 6, 2014

Well, what did he say when you told him you wanted to move out?

November 6, 2014

Eventually, I told him I was going to move out. Clearly he has some issues that he needs to sort out before he even thinks of being in a committed relationship. And, it would give me some space and time to think about what it is I really want, whether it's from him, someone else, or just life in general. I'm going to move back in with my parents for awhile, maybe get my own apartment after a few months, and see where it goes from there.

Definitely sounds like a good idea. All the best!

November 6, 2014

see, this is just getting good. I wanted you to just show up at the wedding reception...and the next work function. Yep, just show up. Wait, is that bad advice (cough..yes..awkward..potentially rewarding...busted).

Good to hear you are putting "you" and what you need in the relationship first. Move home or get that apartment and live a little....he is a loser.

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