angelfire138 Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 Hi all, (TL;DR) Is it normal to never be invited out with your SO's colleagues, even for big events like weddings, showers, and birthday parties? Even when you have worked with them before and we all work in similar professions? Okay, details. Some background to start: My boyfriend and I have been together a little over 3 years now. He is divorced, with a son, who I get along very well with, who he sees on alternate weekends. I am never married, no kids. We have been living together 1.5 years now. He's been working at the same company for over 15 years. I work in a similar setting (different facility, though), and we both work in the healthcare profession. I'll try and give the whole picture the best I can. He gets together with his coworkers every now and then, but usually for big social events like weddings (at least 1-3 every year), baby showers, bridal showers, and smaller gatherings such as after-work dinners or post-Christmas party after-parties. Now, keep in mind that I met him because I used to be an intern at his facility, and so I'm familiar with many of his coworkers, and they know me, as well. I have many of them as Facebook friends. I have never, one time, been invited to attend these social events with him, even when I have expressed interest in going. Again, we all work in very similar professions so it's not like we wouldn't have anything in common. Obviously, I don't expect to be invited to ALL these events, but at least one or two of them! He always tells me that none of his other coworkers are bringing their bf/gf/spouse. But then again, I'll see their pictures up on Facebook, and there will be a group shot or two. One or two of his coworkers had brought their fiance/spouse/SO, so clearly that wasn't entirely true. When I mentioned that to him, he just brushes it off and says "oh those are the losers who can't go anywhere without their SO" Now, I'm getting this feeling that he might be hiding something. Not necessarily another woman, but *something*. There is a (unhappily) married female co-worker who was a little too close to him, who he works very closely with, and it was clear from the start that she had never liked me. And he had an ex-girlfriend that he worked with in the same department, who was giving him some trouble over his dating me, but she no longer works there. He had a reputation as a player, and some people had advised me to not get involved with him when I was an intern when they found out he had asked me out near the end of my internship. But then again, that could have just been the office gossips going at it. We do plenty of things together as a couple (usually when I plan them), and we do things separately. He does boys' weekends every few months, he spends time with his son or family alone, he does nights out with friends alone, and he goes by himself to play sports after work a few times a week. I've never given him any issues, at all, about that, and actually encourage him to go and have a good time. I work full-time, and I visit my family/friends without him, as well. But when it came to events like weddings, birthday parties, showers, or any other "big" social event, I don't think twice about inviting him, and most of the time, my friends and coworkers are always happy to have him there. Anyone been in a similar situation? Advice? Could he be hiding me, for some reason? Thanks in advance! Please let me know if you need more details, or if something was unclear.
veggirl Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 He's hiding you from a female co-worker, definitely. There is literally no other explanation. COMPLETELY unacceptable that in THREE YEARS you have never been invited! I can't believe you've put up with that for so long....madness. 6
Els Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 If there were definitely other coworkers bringing their partners, it does look suspicious that he has not invited you even once in the 3 years that you've been together. Not necessarily in the 'cheating' sort of way, but SOMEthing is afoot. Can you have a serious conversation with him about how much this bothers you? Tell him explicitly that you don't need to go ALL the time, but just for one or two events a year. It's really the norm for most companies to have at least a couple of events a year where family/partners are welcome. 1
Keenly Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 Why do you feel the need to be included? Is this something that you really HAVE to have? You mentioned you know these people and they have worked with you before. Is it possible that they don't think very highly of your company? 1
Standard-Fare Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 It's definitely weird. And moreso because you've directly expressed an interest in joining (right?) and he still hasn't changed his stance. I think your instinct is probably correct that he's hiding something. The issue is whether or not that "something" is a big deal. It could be something stupid. You mentioned that he had a reputation as a player at work. Maybe a vain, egotistical side of him likes to keep that reputation going, so he can play the role of flirt/free agent at work. Something like that would be frustrating/disappointing but IMO ultimately forgivable unless he was acting seriously on it. Or it could be something bigger, that could be a threat to your relationship. I think you should speak up and let him know it hurts you and confuses you that you're never included. This is a problem that he is fully capable of resolving, and he SHOULD resolve, once he knows that it's important to you. 3
Author angelfire138 Posted November 5, 2014 Author Posted November 5, 2014 Why do you feel the need to be included? Is this something that you really HAVE to have? You mentioned you know these people and they have worked with you before. Is it possible that they don't think very highly of your company? Most of these events take place on the weekends, which is when we spend most of our quality time. We really only get every other weekend to spend, just the two of us. Besides, I always love a good party, and always like to keep in touch with old coworkers / friends. I still keep in touch with ex-coworkers, supervisors, and fellow interns from my other internships. And I do like to enjoy big social events like those with someone I love. As far as I know, his coworkers don't have an issue with me and I got along well with the majority of them when I was there. Except for his co-supervisor, who I mentioned above. He has told me before that he does not want to upset/alienate her since they work so closely together. I had also asked him point blank if his coworkers had a problem with me. I honestly wouldn't be offended if they didn't like me, but then at least that would be a good reason why I was never invited.
Allumere Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 Been there, wrote the book. When my ex stopped including me in work functions it was because he had started screwing a co-worker. Since it was a new company most folks never knew he was married. It is a very, very bad sign. Y'all need to hash this out NOW. 4
veggirl Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 (edited) What valid reason could there be? He's a known player at work, he's too close to a female co-worker, yadda yadda. He doesn't want to offend HER by inviting YOU?? WTF?? Really? He can't draw a professional boundary with her? Right....... He knows you want to go and you still aren't invited. There is no good reason for this. I mean look at the facts. He is leaving you out ON PURPOSE. For him. He doesn't care if you want to go. He doesn't care if you are friends with his coworkers. They know he's shady, they warned you about him! He's getting with his "co-supervisor" with the fragile feelings he can't upset....bet on it....you said she gets too close to him. People don't do that if it isn't accepted by the other person. Edited November 5, 2014 by veggirl 5
zebracolors Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 Hi all, (TL;DR) Is it normal to never be invited out with your SO's colleagues, even for big events like weddings, showers, and birthday parties? Even when you have worked with them before and we all work in similar professions? I'm surprised no one has asked you if you have actually brought this up to him or what is is his usual response is if/when you ask if you can come along. Have you just been complacently nodding when he tells you he's going out to something major like a wedding? It does sound fishy to me as well. I mean, if he was going out on some nights for happy hour with his buddies, I could sort of see why he would want the time with just his friends. But giving some same excuse as to why he won't take you to special occasions, thats way off IMO. 3
preraph Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 Where do you live that men go to baby showers and bridal showers? That doesn't happen where I live. When he is invited to a wedding, he is probably given a "plus one" and he's not using it. Normally you get a "plus one" at weddings. You can decline it and save them a chair, of course. I too think he may be hiding something, like mainly maybe not wanting his coworkers to think you two are really a big item. 4
Author angelfire138 Posted November 5, 2014 Author Posted November 5, 2014 Hmm, good points. All these little things have come up over the years, and I admit I just started putting two and two together (when we had a "discussion" about marriage, or his lack of wanting to be married, is more like it, no less). I honestly don't think there's a physical affair going on between him and his co-supervisor, but he has had an emotional affair with her in the past. She's also not present for all of these events (but most of them), so I don't know if she is really the reason. I have brought the topic up to him before, as well as my feelings. His only responses were "They're MY coworkers, why do you care if you go or not?" or "I don't want to be one of those losers who can't go anywhere without his girlfriend". Some of his coworkers bring their partners, but not all of them do. Also, a lot of his coworkers are female and single. He has also said that when he was married, he never invited his now ex-wife to any of his work functions, either.
xxmusical Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 To me, to be invited to social events with colleagues is a type of respect from the guy (and the colleagues). It never hurts for the bf or colleagues to say, "you should join our Xmas party!" Do the colleagues still talk to you (not just the occasional Facebook "like")? Your bf never inviting you to these events during the entire 3 years is a red flag to me, especially if he's been brushing you off with bland excuses. It seems like he doesn't want you involved in his social life (even if it's with colleagues). If he truly wanted you to be a part of his life, he would invite you. And since you mentioned that his colleagues claimed him to be a "player"...well... 1
Author angelfire138 Posted November 5, 2014 Author Posted November 5, 2014 To me, to be invited to social events with colleagues is a type of respect from the guy (and the colleagues). It never hurts for the bf or colleagues to say, "you should join our Xmas party!" Do the colleagues still talk to you (not just the occasional Facebook "like")? Agreed, that's how I feel, too. I even told him that I don't need to be invited to all of their events; even just one or two, once in a blue moon would be nice. I guess it's also a matter of feeling excluded, as well, considering when my coworkers throw parties, he's invited to come 90% of the time. As far as the weddings were concerned, he told me that for all 5-6 of them that he went to alone, dates were not invited. I could see maybe for a couple of them, but all of them? I did talk to those colleagues more in the year following the completion of my internship, but I admit that in the last two years, I haven't been in touch much with them other than the occasional post on facebook. He does include me in most family events and some of his friends' events, unless it's a "boys' night", in which I don't want to go, anyway. Just not his coworkers.
Standard-Fare Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 I'd try expressing something like: "This shouldn't be a big deal. What's MAKING it a big deal is that there's a very easy solution here and you're actively avoiding it, even when you know that hurts my feelings. I can't understand why your 'stance' on this is so important to you that it's worth hurting my feelings. It makes me worry that there's some deeper problem going on here." If he continues to be stubborn about it, yes, that is definitely cause for concern. He's putting you in an awful position of becoming a nag, on an issue you really shouldn't have to nag about in the first place. 3
zebracolors Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 He does include me in most family events and some of his friends' events, unless it's a "boys' night", in which I don't want to go, anyway. Just not his coworkers. And you're still sure he's not trying to hide something? Its good to know that he includes you in things with his family and friends outside of work, I would not tolerate being a man's secret. But there has to be a reason he excludes you from things with his work colleagues. And the line about not being "allowed" to bring a date to a wedding? What kind of people don't let guest bring even 1 date?: 1
Lernaean_Hydra Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 I have brought the topic up to him before, as well as my feelings. His only responses were "They're MY coworkers, why do you care if you go or not?" or "I don't want to be one of those losers who can't go anywhere without his girlfriend". Some of his coworkers bring their partners, but not all of them do. Also, a lot of his coworkers are female and single. Sure fine but there's a major difference between always bringing your girlfriend and occasionally inviting her out with you. One is co-dependent and pathetic, the other is perfectly normal behavior. Him not ever inviting you to any of these events is extremely concerning and feels way off. You're not some new chick he's unsure about or a fling he doesn't expect to last. You're in a long term relationship, it's what couples do. He has also said that when he was married, he never invited his now ex-wife to any of his work functions, either. Wonder why she's his ex.... 5
ExpatInItaly Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 He's hiding something. He's not excluding you all the time for no reason. You mentioned that he had an emotional affair with this particular co-worker before you met . How did you discover that? Did he tell you it was only emotional? I'm asking because there could be more to that affair that you don't know about and he doesn't want you discovering the truth. Just a hunch. If it's not that, then he's still keeping you away for a real reason, I believe. He just doesn't want to tell you what it is. You need to have an honest and firm discussion about this. 1
aussietigerwolf Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 I could understand if "dates" weren't allowed to all those things but... You're his girlfriend and in a ltr with him and I find it weird that you've never been invited in 3 years and in fact he doesn't want you to go. I've been invited to my bfs work Xmas party (twice now) and I know no one there and I was invited to his friends wedding and don't know him either. I was his girlfriend so I was invited. In my boyfriends mind there was no question about me attending unless I specifically did not want to go. 5
Els Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 I have brought the topic up to him before, as well as my feelings. His only responses were "They're MY coworkers, why do you care if you go or not?" or "I don't want to be one of those losers who can't go anywhere without his girlfriend". Some of his coworkers bring their partners, but not all of them do. Also, a lot of his coworkers are female and single. There is a big difference between "can't go anywhere without his girlfriend" and "not inviting his girlfriend even once in three years" - most people aim for somewhere in the middle. And it's very concerning that he (apparently) can't see this. The more you describe the situation with him, the more shady it looks and the more it appears that he is hiding something. My guy works in a very different field from mine, and I'm usually still invited to several work events. Of course there are some that are colleagues-only, which I don't go to, and I've also declined a few for various reasons (usually because I was busy or unable to make it at that time). But I do go for at least a few events a year, and that's typically the norm for steady couples as far as I've seen. 2
Author angelfire138 Posted November 5, 2014 Author Posted November 5, 2014 (edited) Thanks again for all the responses. I read every one of them! I found out it was an EA because he used to always brag about how close they were, how people gossiped that they were lovers at work, and the fact that they called / texted each other almost everyday. He also used to talk about her a lot and said how much he would miss her if one of them were to ever leave. He felt as if he wasn't doing anything wrong because they never physically dated. I showed him an article once about EAs and that's when he figured it out. I did have a talk with him tonight, where I pretty much told him to get his s--t figured out, or I was moving out. He finally said he never invited me because his co-supervisor goes to those events too, and she didn't like me and didn't want me there (no surprise there), so he was trying to save me the awkwardness. There was one other coworker that didn't like me, because she knew I was an intern and he was a supervisor (not mine) when we began dating, and she looks down on things like that. She no longer works there. He said his colleagues that liked me hardly attend those events, and since his company has a high turnover rate, a lot of new colleagues that I don't know, also go. He admitted that for the weddings, the majority of the time it was okay to bring dates (some people had asked, and the bride / groom said no problem) but he just chose to go alone regardless. He said if it meant that much to me, he would bring me next time, but I was going to have a miserable time. I told him that I felt disrespected that I never once got an invite, and that appatently his co-supervisor's feelings were more important. He replied by saying I was acting like a kid and was overreacting. Knowing that, I told him that I didn't want to be anywhere I'm clearly not wanted. He then agreed to respectfully decline some of those invitations in the future and do something else, like go out with his friends instead. I guess only time will tell if that's really going to happen. Edited November 5, 2014 by angelfire138
Lernaean_Hydra Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 He admitted that for the weddings, the majority of the time it was okay to bring dates (some people had asked, and the bride / groom said no problem) but he just chose to go alone regardless. He said if it meant that much to me, he would bring me next time, but I was going to have a miserable time. I don't care what he says. Next time you go and decide for yourself how good of a time you have. Knowing that, I told him that I didn't want to be anywhere I'm clearly not wanted. He then agreed to respectfully decline some of those invitations in the future and do something else, like go out with his friends instead. I guess only time will tell if that's really going to happen. So, the compromise is that you still won't go but neither will he? Eh, I don't like the sound of that at all but if you're comfortable with this new arrangement it's really not my place to say. 1
Author angelfire138 Posted November 5, 2014 Author Posted November 5, 2014 I'd try expressing something like: "This shouldn't be a big deal. What's MAKING it a big deal is that there's a very easy solution here and you're actively avoiding it, even when you know that hurts my feelings. I can't understand why your 'stance' on this is so important to you that it's worth hurting my feelings. It makes me worry that there's some deeper problem going on here." Thanks for this!! I actually said this to him and its what finally got him to admit that his coworker didn't want me there.
ExpatInItaly Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 Eh, I think his explanations/excuses are flimsy. You already knew his co-worker doesn't like you. And he clearly lied about not being allowed to bring dates. That doesn't really explain why he kept you away. Why does he decide if you'll have a "miserable time"? He's never given you a chance to experience one of these events. If the option is either invite you or decline the invite, and he declines, I think you have something to worry about. He would rather not attend at all than bring his own girlfriend along? I'm sorry OP, but I feel he still isn't being honest about why he excludes you. 4
stillcold Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 Thanks for this!! I actually said this to him and its what finally got him to admit that his coworker didn't want me there. Pardon me, but how does the desires of a mere "coworker" take precedence over the desire of a girlfriend? I'm sorry OP but this is a big red flag! Your boyfriend is hiding something and I don't want you to be stringed along. This is probably the best he could come up with at the moment since clearly the logic behind his choice has so many problems with it. Ask him exactly what I asked you: "why would what a coworker want be more important than what I want?" And make sure to say this in person so he doesn't get the opportunity over text or something to think of another BS excuse. 4
Author angelfire138 Posted November 5, 2014 Author Posted November 5, 2014 You make a good point. Yeah, I told him I knew she didn't like me from day 1. I also felt like there was still something he wasn't telling me. Initially he had said "well my coworkers don't like you and don't want you there". Btw, half those coworkers that go to those events don't know me, so unless somebody was talking smack about me, I didn't understand how they could dislike me without knowing me. Then he said it was just his co-supervisor and that other coworker who left the company. I made that deal with him because when he said "fine, I'll bring you, but you'll see how miserable you'll be and then you'll realize how unreasonable you were being", it was more out of anger, and he almost made it seem like that he was going to make sure I was miserable so I would never want to go out with them again. And I just thought that if that's the case, maybe it's better that he just decline, period.
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