Jimmyjackson Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 I constantly dwell on something that I'll never know the answer to. My ex girlfriend went away for 10 weeks to volunteer in Africa... she came back and dumped me, said she didn't feel the same anymore and admitted that she had a crush on a guy who she met over there. She swears she didn't cheat, however I believe she cheated on me in an emotional sense as she said they were close and he liked her too and told her. The annoying thing is I don't know for certain if she cheated or not, I mean I doubt she will have had sex or anything but maybe kissing could've happened? I'd say 90% of me believes she didn't as I know her person and I don't actually think she would do it. However with it being in a different country and with her admitting to developing feelings for him I'm slightly unsure. I can't stop dwelling on it as I won't even know for sure but it's so annoying still 2 months post break up. What do you guys think?
Strength in Healing Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 (edited) At least you didn't catch Ebola my friend! O_O ...but to answer your question directly: like many facets of life, you will never have all the answers to the questions, nor do they tend to matter so much. You have been given a gift wrapped in pain, but in time you'll see it as the blessing it is. Edited November 5, 2014 by Strength in Healing
Standard-Fare Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 Would it do you any good to know for sure if she DID hook up with this guy? It obviously wouldn't change the outcome of this breakup. The uncertainty may be driving you nuts, but it's probably best to keep this thing abstract in your head. I'm guessing it would be a lot more painful to have specific details on her transgressions that you could fume about/torture yourself with. You nailed it by recognizing that she definitely DID cheat on you in an emotional sense, regardless of whatever else happened. That's all you need to know.
SoThatHappened Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 I would do 1 of 2 things: 1- Imagine and believe she didn't. This may make you always wonder, so you'll just have to hope and believe that she did not physically cheat. She emotionally cheated, which sometimes is worse. 2- Imagine he plowed her like a farmer's field. Imagine he brought in a friend and tag-teamed her. Imagine they did every position, things you couldn't imagine her doing with you. Truly picture it. I know #2 is somewhat out there, but it honestly helped me desensitize myself after my ex emotionally cheated. Also don't know if my ex physically cheated, but I know for sure she did emotionally. In honesty, I somewhat thought a combination of the two options. I hope she didn't cheat, but imagining that she did the most disgusting lewd acts as possible left nothing else for me to imagine her doing sexually afterwards. Does that make sense? I just imagined the worst so that I couldn't keep thinking of new things to imagine later. Worked for me, although it was tough. 1
Gatema Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 (edited) Well, if you think that she didn't have sex, then I truly hope that is what happened. On the logical side to your situation, and from someone that's not going through what you are experiencing at the moment, I beg to differ. Sometimes during tumultuous times, there's a survival behavior that often emerges. What we do, like in your situation, is that we try to convince ourselves, that it can't possibly be true; if it has been denied. We desperately want to believe that they are telling the truth, so we allow egregious excuses or questionable behaviors to simply slide, against our better judgment. When a relationship is in trouble, and there has been a crack in the trust between two people, one or both people start to panic. We tell ourselves, because believing something different would just add more of an unraveling to our emotional well-being, that what had happened according to our Ex, did happen. Period. Even when it sounds simply ludicrous to most, we still hold on to that idea; that is, until we can no longer justify our unanswered questions or the mixed messages from an Ex any longer. It's no secret, that no one wants to ever have to acknowledge that someone they love has been unfaithful, dishonest, or emotionally cruel. But sometimes there is no other choice but to come to terms with it, and that's what you'll have to do, eventually. This should only happen when you feel ready; it's still a breakup, whether she cheated or not, in one way or another, she's still gone. What she has or has not admitted to you, doesn't really matter. It should really be about what you feel has happened to you. Moreover, it should be about how you're going to get through it, and where you'll be going from here. This is what matters now, and then used as your compass for moving on with your life. Edited November 5, 2014 by Gatema
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