eileen42 Posted March 14, 2005 Posted March 14, 2005 This is a bit tricky, but I want some honest input/advice. I am 24 and have been seeing this guy (who is 25) for about 5 or 6 months now. Although everything was ideal for the first few months, some things have been happening lately that have raised some red flags. I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable or if I have reason to worry, so here it goes: The previous relationship I was in for 2 years (and I lived with the guy) ended because he admitted he had been cheating on me with his ex (who had also been harassing me through out the relationship via phone calls, etc). I moved on (about year later) but still have some trust issues. Lately (within the past couple months) have been noticing some thing with the new guy that are a little "off". His ex calls regularly, about twice a week, usually late at night (between 12 am and 5 am) and I get woken up by his phone ringing. I told him this makes me uncomfortable. He also has gotten a phone call at 8 am from her, drunk, screaming at him. I heard it as I was laying there next to him. He said "Okay, bye" and hung up. These late night phone calls continued. When we went out for New Years with our friends he dissapeared for about 15-20 minutes and no one could find him. I finally saw him coming out of a back room, shoving his phone in his pocket. I asked him if everything was ok, and he said "Yeah, I don't want to talk about it". I let it go even though it seemed a little odd. I couldn't help but be suspicious and so about a week later when I was using his phone I looked at his call log (I know this wasn't right). Instead of having my suspicions lifted and feeling relieved, I saw that the night he vanished with his phone, he had called her. I confronted him about this (no yelling or freaking out, I stayed calm surprisingly). He said that he didn't remember calling her because he was really drunk. Then he said it wasn't right for me to look through his phone (which is true, I know this). Later on he said he had called her because her grandma had just died and she wanted to talk to someone. Well, these late night calls continued. I said nothing. I asked why she was calling. I was told, "She was drunk" or "She was at a concert and wanted to tell me" or "She thought I called her". Whatever. He told me that the next time she calls I should just answer it. He has actually suggested this more than once. He didn't want to talk about it and so I wrote him a letter explaining to him that because of what had happened to me before (with my ex being unfaithful) these kinds of things bothered me and to please try and be patient and kind. He said that the letter made him feel insignificant and that the letter wasn't nice. Whatever. My ex still calls me sometimes even though I've asked him not to (repeatedly). My current boyfriend reasons that if I can't stop my ex from calling and he doesn't get mad at me for that, then why am I blaming him for his ex calling? I don't really have a good explanation for this. Finally... The other night he was drinking with his friends and a mutual friend of his and hers (the ex) had a baby. Everyone was text msging each other with "Did you hear?" "congrats," etc. Well, he was texting someone and handed me the phone and said "Here, talk to Jim". Well, I took the phone and it wasn't Jim. Although there was no name listed, the # was and I recognized it as the ex's #. I told him, "That's not Jim, thats your ex". He said he didnt realize it because her and Jim are the only 2 people he knows that have a certain area code. He said he thought he was talking to his friend Jim. I told him that was CERTAINLY NOT Jim's #, and I knew so because she calls so much late at night that I recognized the last 4 digits of the #. I proceeded to take the phone, push SEND, and when she answered with "What's up honey?" I replied, "This is ___, his girlfriend. Please stop calling him in the middle of the night". She said "okay" and sounded kind of surprised. Then I hung up. (I didn't do this in front of him. I'm not even sure he know I did it). He then proceeded to call me a "Psycho" and tell me I was "****ed up in the head". My question is this: should I draw the line here? Am I overreacting? I want some honest answers from some unbiased sources please. He won't talk about this and refuses to bring it up any more. I don't knwo what to do.
jnel921 Posted March 14, 2005 Posted March 14, 2005 First of all your relationship is fairly new. Living together would be really premature at this point. So I hope that when you have realized that your BF is receiving these calls...It's because you're just spending the night. If he has an ex calling him and he's disapearing to phone her and is fighting you about it...I say leave this guy alone. He may still have unresolved feelings for that woman. Don't ever try to convince a guy that you are the one. You shouldn't have to battle another woman for a guy. Grab your stuff and go back to your place and don't call him. If he really wants to forge a commited relationship with you, he'll look for you and stop calling the other woman and he'll know to tell her not to call also. Relationships are always great in the beginning because its new and you get to know each other.... But when he is involving or forcing his past into it...then its time to move on.
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 14, 2005 Posted March 14, 2005 My ex still calls me sometimes even though I've asked him not to (repeatedly). My current boyfriend reasons that if I can't stop my ex from calling and he doesn't get mad at me for that, then why am I blaming him for his ex calling? I don't really have a good explanation for this. The explanation is this: when your ex calls, you know that you don't have feelings for him and that his calling is going to remain fruitless. When his ex calls, you have no idea what his feelings are for her, and whether or not the calling is leading to something else. You are secure with your feelings about your ex, but you are unsure of his feelings for his ex. That's what the problem is - not the calling, but his possible motivations for allowing her to continue calling even though he knows you don't like it. What's up honey?" I replied, "This is ___, his girlfriend. Please stop calling him in the middle of the night". She said "okay" and sounded kind of surprised. Then I hung up. (I didn't do this in front of him. I'm not even sure he know I did it). He then proceeded to call me a "Psycho" and tell me I was "****ed up in the head". Control issues, in this case. I expect his friend called him up and let him know what you did with his phone. No man likes for a woman to do stuff like that - his innocence is beside the point as to why this angers him - even if he is 100% innocent and has nothing to hide. Why would it anger him? Because in his perception it was a possessive, deceptive, rude and bitchy thing to do to someone he apparently cares about. Was it possessive, deceptive, rude and bitchy? You may not think so, but it doesn't matter if it was or wasn't - what matters is that he obviously saw it that way if he called you a "psycho" and "****ed up in the head". You can plead your case, but he's going to believe what he wants, and you have little control over it or ability to make him change his mind. The other issue at hand is what, if anything he has to hide. He has made it clear that his friendship with her, and continuing to talk to her outweighs your need for it to stop. Whether it has to do with control issues, or with unresolved romantic feelings issues at this point is immaterial. He is making it clear that he will continue to talk to her, and that you are not to interfere. The choice now is yours: stay with this guy who will not back down from this, or leave.
Girlie Posted March 14, 2005 Posted March 14, 2005 From the sounds of your post, you know there's something wrong with this situation. Look, I have an ex who I'm friends with. I don't call him at all hours of the night (I don't really communicate with him that much out of respect for the new woman), but even if I did, if it bothered his girlfriend that he's with now (who he adores), he would not put up with it. He would tell me to knock it off and if I continued, we would have a strained friendship at best, but probably none at all. In my opinion, that's as it should be. Now, in this case, his girlfriend knows that I'm not interested in being a threat because of the way I've conducted myself. However, if I were acting like your man's ex, I would expect the new girlfriend to have a problem with me, and with good reason. And if he didn't handle it, I would expect her to have a problem with him, too. You shouldn't have looked through his phone. Nobody likes to have their privacy invaded and it's not fair. However, there is something that just isn't right about what's going on in your situation and you know it. Maybe he can't stop her from calling, but it doesn't sound like her calling bothers him. In fact, you said yourself that he's disappearing from your side to call her. I don't think so. He either doesn't want her to stop calling (which is probably the case, esp. considering she still calls him honey when she answers calls from his phone), or just doesn't have the backbone to tell her to stop and then stop taking her calls. Either way, it doesn't sound like this is something you need to be dealing with. Like Jnel said, relationships are always great at the beginning. Or rather, they should be. You should be in the honeymoon faze. Having a great time. Instead, your being called a psyco and having to deal with him having some sort of relationship with his ex. Not much of a honeymoon, IMO. I can't tell you what to do but I'd leave this guy alone, I think. Good luck in whatever you decide.
blind_otter Posted March 14, 2005 Posted March 14, 2005 Um. My ex cheated on me with one girl who actually called me up and asked me to stop calling him because it was f*cking up their relationship. I was like, oh really that's interesting...you know I had sex with you "boyfriend" last night, right? And you know that he has been living with me, right? She was shocked and surprised to say the least. Then he found out she had called me, called her a psycho bitch, and dumped her. Stupid me took him back (even though we officially hadn't even broken up!) -- that said, I think there is a lot going on here that you aren't being made aware of. I am thinkin he and his ex have a relationship very similar to mine and my ex. I'm just sayin' - I feel bad for him, but bail out before you go down with the ship.
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