What do married men really think about the OW/Mistress...

[Khy89]

Does he not have respect for the woman? Does he view her as not having respect for herself? Do men think only an insecure woman or woman who doesn't vaule herself would have an affair? On the flipside do men respect women who refuse to engage in affairs?

 

I am asking what a MM/MW would think? I understand there are OW/OM who may be very secure or vaule themselves but just prefer that situation.

[meandmycats]

He doesn't have respect for ANY woman..........

[Redheaded Mistress]

Does he not have respect for the woman? Does he view her as not having respect for herself? Do men think only an insecure woman or woman who doesn't vaule herself would have an affair? On the flipside do men respect women who refuse to engage in affairs?

 

It all depends. Not all affairs are the same.

[MissBee]

Does he not have respect for the woman? Does he view her as not having respect for herself? Do men think only an insecure woman or woman who doesn't vaule herself would have an affair? On the flipside do men respect women who refuse to engage in affairs?

 

I am asking what a MM/MW would think? I understand there are OW/OM who may be very secure or vaule themselves but just prefer that situation.

 

There won't be any one answer which encapsulates all men's opinions on the matter.

 

Different men will have different views on the subject.

 

Different MM have affairs for different reasons and people are contradictory beings who might engage in a certain behavior but then hold double standards and hypocritical views on it themselves.

 

I do know from hearing some of my male acquaintances talk, as well as watching programs asking men's opinions on relationships and stuff that some hold the idea that cheating is a man's right and it's a natural "urge" and they don't see anything wrong with satisfying this urge with an affair, and for those who feel this way, who aren't interested in divorcing their wives, who don't hate her, but just view it as variety, they want the OW to be of a certain type, i.e.one who won't cause trouble, who won't become obsessed or fall in love, who won't tell, who won't have any needs but will be happy to play her role as a side piece. The way they talk to me comes off very self-centered and it does devalue the woman.

 

Not every man thinks this way though.

[gettingstronger]

one who won't cause trouble, who won't become obsessed or fall in love, who won't tell, who won't have any needs but will be happy to play her role as a side piece.

 

 

This is what my husband wanted and thought he had- boy was he wrong to everyones detriment-

 

And YES- I agree his thought process was very degrading to women-her and me- as well as to himself-

[Sassy Girl]

There won't be any one answer which encapsulates all men's opinions on the matter.

 

Different men will have different views on the subject.....(edited)

 

....they want the OW to be of a certain type, i.e.one who won't cause trouble, who won't become obsessed or fall in love, who won't tell, who won't have any needs but will be happy to play her role as a side piece.

 

.

Agree with this. And it is also true for MOW.

 

My MM and I are in this together because we are both in the same boat. We both have lives and families to get back to, we understand the pressures and commitments and neither of us are asking any more than what we are currently giving. I'm happy to play side piece because that's what I am... and that's what he is for me. Its mutual, we both consent, we have an understanding and are both satisfied with the arrangement. And there is definitely a mutual respect between us.

 

For this reason, MY MM would never go near a single OW. He sees them as too risky. Judging from what I see here...I think he's right.

[Lady2163]

I do think it varies as well.

 

I've been an OW. More times before the age of 23 that I care to count. Many of them treated me poorly, gave me just enough to keep me from being a problem. I look at the molester who seduced me when I was 16 and think how lucky he was I never told. He was a master manipulator. For him I was just someone who gave blowjobs that he so carefully tiaught me how to please him.

 

Then, I've had Filipino married men treat me like an absolute queen.

[nightmare01]

I'd like to weigh in on this.

 

When I was single and before I met my wife, I was unwittingly an OM TWICE. SMH..

 

Once I was drunk at a party.. a wedding actually. What can I say, I was drunk and at one point I got wedding cake frosting on my fingers.. and she licked the frosting off.. All I can say is that.. I guess I'm easy that way..

 

The second time was also at a party but at least alcohol was not involved.

 

Neither of these women told me they were married before we woke up together the next morning. Once they did, I got rid of them as quickly - but politely - as I could, and I never called them again.

 

Frankly I felt violated, and I know that sounds odd. But I felt I was manipulated and tricked into a situation I would never have chosen to have gotten in had I known the truth about what was going on.

 

I never felt bad for the BH though.. maybe a little guilty, but that was all. Looking back I think I should have felt more, but the truth is that I didn't.

 

As far as how I felt about these women? The word revulsion comes to mind. Their lack or morals and commitment to their marriages, is repugnant to me. I think they're disgusting.

 

On a side note. I hear a thing or two about the finger licker from time to time because she is my best friends sister-in-law. Apparently she had a daughter with her first husband (the BH in my ONS with her) who she later divorced. When she divorced him she left him in full custody of their daughter, and never saw or spoke to her .. I don't know for how long, I think she may not have any contact with her daughter to this day.

 

I don't like hearing about her, as I still feel she is an awful person.

[Khy89]

I'd like to weigh in on this.

 

When I was single and before I met my wife, I was unwittingly an OM TWICE. SMH..

 

Once I was drunk at a party.. a wedding actually. What can I say, I was drunk and at one point I got wedding cake frosting on my fingers.. and she licked the frosting off.. All I can say is that.. I guess I'm easy that way..

 

The second time was also at a party but at least alcohol was not involved.

 

Neither of these women told me they were married before we woke up together the next morning. Once they did, I got rid of them as quickly - but politely - as I could, and I never called them again.

 

Frankly I felt violated, and I know that sounds odd. But I felt I was manipulated and tricked into a situation I would never have chosen to have gotten in had I known the truth about what was going on.

 

I never felt bad for the BH though.. maybe a little guilty, but that was all. Looking back I think I should have felt more, but the truth is that I didn't.

 

As far as how I felt about these women? The word revulsion comes to mind. Their lack or morals and commitment to their marriages, is repugnant to me. I think they're disgusting.

 

On a side note. I hear a thing or two about the finger licker from time to time because she is my best friends sister-in-law. Apparently she had a daughter with her first husband (the BH in my ONS with her) who she later divorced. When she divorced him she left him in full custody of their daughter, and never saw or spoke to her .. I don't know for how long, I think she may not have any contact with her daughter to this day.

 

I don't like hearing about her, as I still feel she is an awful person.

I understand how you felt and why you felt that way. I would be upset too if i wasn't fully informed that the other person is married. But how would you as a married man feel about a woman who was willing to have an affair with you? Would you look at her as helping you betray the woman you love? Why do some men later resent their mistress like they aren't just as guilty if not more?

[MissBee]

Agree with this. And it is also true for MOW.

 

My MM and I are in this together because we are both in the same boat. We both have lives and families to get back to, we understand the pressures and commitments and neither of us are asking any more than what we are currently giving. I'm happy to play side piece because that's what I am... and that's what he is for me. Its mutual, we both consent, we have an understanding and are both satisfied with the arrangement. And there is definitely a mutual respect between us.

 

For this reason, MY MM would never go near a single OW. He sees them as too risky. Judging from what I see here...I think he's right.

 

 

Makes sense. I've always said I think affairs between two married people are "more stable" usually as they are on more of a level playing field, both with families and spouses so in effect can compartmentalize the affair better and can have the affair as an affair and then their married lives, than the more uneven balance of single AP and MP, where it seems that most often the single OW wants more or treat MM like a regular bf and often the MM cannot do the same so because of the imbalance has to embellish, omit or flat out lie by future faking or painting his life as more horrible than it is to keep things going.

[PegNosePete]

Khy,

Rather than asking vague, generalized questions, why not explain your circumstances and ask for advice regarding your situation, and what the involved parties may think?

 

Since everyone's opinions are different, it doesn't make sense to apply others' feelings onto your own, or the other parties involved in your life.

 

Better to ask about your specific situation.....

[the_artist_1970]

Agree with this. And it is also true for MOW.

 

My MM and I are in this together because we are both in the same boat. We both have lives and families to get back to, we understand the pressures and commitments and neither of us are asking any more than what we are currently giving. I'm happy to play side piece because that's what I am... and that's what he is for me. Its mutual, we both consent, we have an understanding and are both satisfied with the arrangement. And there is definitely a mutual respect between us.

 

For this reason, MY MM would never go near a single OW. He sees them as too risky. Judging from what I see here...I think he's right.

 

Happy to be a side piece??? Really??? Wow, what low standards does one have to be happy to be a woman on the side? Blows my mind.

[the_artist_1970]

I can say with all my heart that he really loved me and then it got really traumatic the last two years when I started wanting to know what he was doing, questioned the fact that he told me they led separate lives, then asked BS. Then still seeing me after, telling me it would not make any differene,he said he felt suffocated. Actually he probably had two women asking at the same time.

 

A man who really loves you won't feel suffocated because you are asking him to commit fully and you want to know what he is doing. You should know what the man you are sleeping with is doing. Your idea of love sets a very low bar for a man.

[nightmare01]

I understand how you felt and why you felt that way. I would be upset too if i wasn't fully informed that the other person is married. But how would you as a married man feel about a woman who was willing to have an affair with you? Would you look at her as helping you betray the woman you love? Why do some men later resent their mistress like they aren't just as guilty if not more?

 

I've never been a WH - I'm the one that was betrayed in my marriage.

 

I did come close to being a WH about 2 years after I got married. It was tempting, she was pretty and funny, and was into some kinky stuff that kind of intrigued me.

 

Our "relationship" never got beyond a few lunches together and some very suggestive talk between us.

 

My problem was the my gut was just screaming at me every time we were together. I felt guilty, and everything seemed so wrong.. even though it was tempting.

 

So I understand the push - pull feelings at the beginning of an affair. For me though, I could not get past the guilty feelings and so I ended our relationship or friendship or whatever it was. I also told my wife because I felt she had the right to know. She was hurt of course, but I think that because the relationship never got to the EA or PA stage she was able to forgive.

 

I really wish she had done the same for me when she met her OM. But that's another story.

 

How to I view women who come on to married men?

 

I see them as morally bankrupt, and definitely NOT a suitable long term partner.

[Friskyone4u]

There are a ton of answers to your question. Some MM have deep feeling, some just want a piece of ass. It really does not matter.

Boundaries are crossed, families are destroyed , and what he thinks of his mistress does not change the outcomes and results .

If you are in a supposedly monogamous relationship and your spouse or partner is clueless, why would it matter what he thinks. Does thinking one way make that right???

If he thinks she is sexy, smart, and terrific human being, does that make infidelity Ok? Just curious why you asked the question

[Khy89]

There are a ton of answers to your question. Some MM have deep feeling, some just want a piece of ass. It really does not matter.

Boundaries are crossed, families are destroyed , and what he thinks of his mistress does not change the outcomes and results .

If you are in a supposedly monogamous relationship and your spouse or partner is clueless, why would it matter what he thinks. Does thinking one way make that right???

If he thinks she is sexy, smart, and terrific human being, does that make infidelity Ok? Just curious why you asked the question

Whoa whoa whoa...hold on now. I NEVER said that any reason for cheating was ok. That's first. Second, the reason I ask is because if I was a married woman cheating on my husband, yea I might think my OM is hot, sexy, smart and alot of fun but eventually I'm going to wonder why he is ok with being second to my husband? It's going to make me look at the person different but that's ME. I am neither an OW or a wife. I wanted know what actual married people thought. Sorry if my post made you feel a certain way...

[Khy89]

Khy,

Rather than asking vague, generalized questions, why not explain your circumstances and ask for advice regarding your situation, and what the involved parties may think?

 

Since everyone's opinions are different, it doesn't make sense to apply others' feelings onto your own, or the other parties involved in your life.

 

Better to ask about your specific situation.....

Sorry I do not personally have a specific sitaution. I am neither an OW or a wife. I don't know how to make the question any more specific...

[autumnnight]

I did come close to being a WH about 2 years after I got married. It was tempting, she was pretty and funny, and was into some kinky stuff that kind of intrigued me.

 

Our "relationship" never got beyond a few lunches together and some very suggestive talk between us.

 

Actually, you WERE a WH if this is the case.

 

OP, even if a MM says he loves the OW, part of him must not respect her or he would not make her a party to cheating.

[cocorico]

Does he not have respect for the woman? Does he view her as not having respect for herself? Do men think only an insecure woman or woman who doesn't vaule herself would have an affair? On the flipside do men respect women who refuse to engage in affairs?

 

I am asking what a MM/MW would think? I understand there are OW/OM who may be very secure or vaule themselves but just prefer that situation.

 

In our case, his BW had successfully eroded any respect for her, or for the M, over the decades of the M. So when he found a woman he could respect, he fell in love, dropped the BW, and M the OW.

 

All As are different. There isn't one size that fits all.

[gettingstronger]

Although you say you just have an interest in infidelity, your posting history seems to be about wanting insight in to the mind of a MM that cheats- if you are a BS, or BSO or a potential OW, I hope that you take time to read the forum as much as ask questions in it-there is a lot to learn from so many that have been down this path-

[Khy89]

Although you say you just have an interest in infidelity, your posting history seems to be about wanting insight in to the mind of a MM that cheats- if you are a BS, or BSO or a potential OW, I hope that you take time to read the forum as much as ask questions in it-there is a lot to learn from so many that have been down this path-

Thanks. yes I do want insight into what a MM who cheats is thinking, seeing as one day I do hope to be married to a man. I am certainly not thinking about becoming an OW but not so sure I want to get married either... As far as my posting history, my only other post was about what a MM thinks of his wife while cheating and now i want to know what they would think of an OW...the gist I'm getting is that a MM has respect for neither his wife nor his OW.

[gettingstronger]

Oh dear, you'll never get married if you spend too much time on here! We are the worst case scenarios. I would suggest books like how to affair proof your marriage, etc for a more balanced, hopeful approach to your questions.

[Got it]

Thanks. yes I do want insight into what a MM who cheats is thinking, seeing as one day I do hope to be married to a man. I am certainly not thinking about becoming an OW but not so sure I want to get married either... As far as my posting history, my only other post was about what a MM thinks of his wife while cheating and now i want to know what they would think of an OW...the gist I'm getting is that a MM has respect for neither his wife nor his OW.

 

If this is the case, why not seek out self help books on communication, etc. I don't believe there is a way to "affair proof" a marriage outside of each person committing every day to priority the marriage and be transparent, open and an advocate for the marriage.

 

But, at the end of the day, you can't control someone else, you can't control if they end up deciding to have an affair, all you can do is focus on yourself.

 

Each MM is different. Each married person, male or female, is different. Their reasons why they decided to cheat is different.

 

What I have realized, through all of my wonderful mistakes and lessons, is what I need to focus on is myself. And where the slippery slope starts. I needed to figure out where the "two become one" and if there ever was a full merging of the two.

 

My best advice, be financially stable and stay financially stable throughout your marriage, have the ability that both parties are not stuck in the marriage (that is huge I think. So many individuals, especially women, end up feeling they can't leave a marriage and so end up making decisions that they wouldn't have made otherwise). Make sure both parties are committed to prioritizing the relationship - there is a fair division of chores, both are willing to talk about issues, that there are healthy communication skills, healthy conflict resolution skills, and a desire to keep trying. Take time away to reconnect, date nights/trips. Definitely have a serious talk about financials, how each party handles money, issues tied to money, who will track the money. Transparency with all things related to money. This is going to vary by couple but I have found, the willingness and desire to be transparent in all areas, technology, feelings, decisions, etc. Have healthy boundaries and do not fall into codependency. Really discuss the idea of having children(if so desired) and what that would look like on a day to day basis.

 

And finally, I highly recommend couples counseling at the beginning of the relationship to help with a good foundation in these areas (many wait until things are too late to seek counseling) and a prenup.

 

In regards to the original question - mileage will vary and it really depends on the individuals and the situation. Were were both married and I don't believe we respected the other any less. We were both very much done with our marriages, I was starting the separation process and he was emotionally done after his wife's affair and treatment towards him but was trying to stay until the kids were adults.