chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted October 29, 2014 Posted October 29, 2014 You let a man you've been dating 4 MONTHS distance you from your child !!! Your little child of 8 years old !! Listen, your primary job in this world, at this moment, is to be a MOTHER to that child NOT BE THE DOCTOR'S GIRLFRIEND. If you let this man break your bond with your son your son will resent you for the rest of his life. You get ONE chance at being a good mother! And you're on your way to screwing it up! Your boyfriend may be a doctor but he's a complete nut case. With what you've said so far it's just a matter of time before he hits you AND your son. Your boyfriend is NOT serious about you. He wants to own you, control manipulate and abuse you. He wants you to be 'his thing'. There is nothing flattering being with a man like him. I was waiting for someone to bring this up. It seems like you're willing to put up with and make excuses for utterly inexcusable behavior, but what about your son? Are you willing to risk your relationship with your son---and, hell, your son's safety---for this man? I am sure being with this guy seems great when he's happy. But you already know that any little thing can set him off at any time. Staying with this man means walking on eggshells for the rest of your life and very possibly losing custody of your son (after this man inevitably commits some act of physical abuse and your son's father hears about it). Is that really what you want?
Zahara Posted October 30, 2014 Posted October 30, 2014 (edited) I know he's controlling... I feel that. And I think I handle his jealous/controlling behavior better than his moments of anger. You can't "handle" his toxic behaviors - you remove yourself, you don't tolerate it, you don't accept it. Do you not even realize how this man may affect your child in the long run? If it's affecting you, don't you think it may affect an impressionable child? I also realize that he's distanced me substantially from my son. My BF is very very serious with me...wants to marry me. And he really enjoys spending time with my son. But, my son wants time alone with me...and I have done a poor job of mandating that. I work so much...and my weekends are always with my BF (even when son is around).... Your child is fresh out of a divorce. Trying to adapt to life with separated parents. And yet in 4 months you've allowed some nutjob to distance you from him? Bad enough your child is trying to adapt to this life-changing situation, now he has to compete with this idiot to get the attention of his mother? And 4 months he wants to marry you? Huge red flag. The problem really is that my BF doesn't want my son to go to his soccer game on Saturdays because he wants him to go out of town (back to his house) ...and I have supported that because we spend 3 days there and have fun. But, my ex is the soccer coach..so it's clear my BF is doing this on purpose... It's evident that you seem to let this man dictate what's in his best interest versus what's in the best interest of your child. Maybe it's more so 3 days of fun for YOU so you get to spend time with this man versus having your son spend the weekend participating in sports, being closer to his dad, playing and interacting with kids his age, etc. The weird thing is my bf will say things like..."I want you to be happy...if you need to spend time with your son...will you tell me?" "I dont' want to direct your divorce etc"....but the minute I start doing things "my" way..he complains. Says I'm not tough enough...that "something is weird...I feel like something else is going on here..." How is it weird? It's all about control. You even said you know he is controlling. He says that stuff and it makes me feel so lost...and I feel torn. meantime, my ex is struggling...saying that he's going through a nervous breakdown...having panic attacks. And my BF literally told me he would be happy if my ex committed suicide...because our sadness would be easier to deal with that my ex. I'm not sure what about this man you find attractive. I can't imagine having my child around someone that is this toxic and unhealthy. Edited October 30, 2014 by Zahara 2
ExpatInItaly Posted October 30, 2014 Posted October 30, 2014 You're in serious denial. You first say that your boyfriend is very good to you. No, OP, he isn't. He's an awful, manipulative, explosive, jealous and controlling boyfriend. You need to demand better for yourself and your child - do not let this man become a parental figure to your son. Your son needs a far more stable influence in his life than this clown. You say you love this guy - but I'm sure you love your son more. Do what's best for your child, if you won't do it for yourself. As others have said, this behaviour any time is a major red flag for abuse. It will get worse, I can promise you. I have been there. Him pushing to marry you after only 4 months is ridiculous. Can you not see this?
Author Mommame2 Posted October 30, 2014 Author Posted October 30, 2014 Well, tonight was pretty telling... I told him I was going to my ex's apartment to pick up my son -- who was with a sitter at HIS apartment. I explained to BF that I made the drive to do this because it was crazy traffic downtown and didn't want the sitter to sit in it. He obviously wasn't listening carefully -- well we had a great conversation and I told him I was getting off the phone to wait for my son who was just leaving the park with the sitter and returning to the ex's. He said okay. Well, when the sitter got there I got out of the car and was talking to her and playing soccer in the parking lot with both of them for about 10 minutes. I came back to the car and BF was irate over text messages on my iphone. Well I had always shared my location on my iphone with him and he apparently thought I had said I was waiting at MY apartment -- and he couldn't believe why I was sneeking off to be inside my ex's apartment with my son. He was yelling at me saying he just didn't know what was going on and that I was clearly causing him very much concern and he couldn't do this anymore with me sneaking around... that the only reason I wouldn't answer his texts and calls was because my ex was there. I stopped him and said WAIT! I told you I am at my ex's apartment. That's the address I SHARED with you...and I was talking to the sitter for 10 minutes and that I JUST saw his texts and freak out... I helped him REMEMBER what I told him about where I was and why I was not at MY apartment...and he calmed down and apologized...but said he was just SO sensitive from what he saw in the text messages the night before ...he jumped to conclusions.. and figured that I was going to spend my entire dinner break from work with my ex. He was SO angry... and I don't know WHY he got so worked up? I mean why does it even matter where I am picking up my son at? It was just an awful moment... and it was clear he was showing his true colors.
Zahara Posted October 30, 2014 Posted October 30, 2014 (edited) He tracks you through your iPhone. You allow it? Remove that function. This man you have only known for 4 months has this much control over you and your son? Imagine being married, a year from now when you have to check in with him every 4 minutes, when he's tracking you on your phone and you make one wrong step, what happens then? Scream, yell, smack you? What I can't believe is that you have no awareness into how this man will negatively affect your child in the long run. You can mess up your life, go ahead -- but when you have a child, he comes first. The child can't even engage in his activities because this idiot dictates what he likes and doesn't like. Even worse, you stated you've been dating a WONDERFUL man for 4 months. You're in such denial. Edited October 30, 2014 by Zahara 1
cif Posted October 30, 2014 Posted October 30, 2014 (edited) I'm late on this but need to add my vote for this guy will drag you to crazy town!!! Hon, wake up! You ARE in an abusive relationship. This man has a GPS trace on you for God's sake. Stay far, far away and get an order of protection when, not if, you need it. Edited October 30, 2014 by cif 1
CarrieT Posted October 30, 2014 Posted October 30, 2014 I stopped him and said WAIT! It was just an awful moment... and it was clear he was showing his true colors. I'm glad you are seeing it; and it is becoming apparent that you couldn't/shouldn't live your life this way. Now you can calmly explain to him that you can't live under a microscope and that this is not a relationship; it is tantamount to slavery to have to account for yourself 24/7 and that you will no longer stand for it and you are ending the relationship. For your own sanity and the for the sake of your son, you need out. 1
IronZ Posted October 30, 2014 Posted October 30, 2014 I have been dating a wonderful man for 4 months. Say what? The story that followed that sentence showed him to be anything but wonderful. You really need to stop seeing this guy. He's a psychopath. 2
Author Mommame2 Posted October 30, 2014 Author Posted October 30, 2014 Well I must admit that I allowed myself to become overcome with this man over the past few months and I worry that my job may be in jeopardy. And because of him, I had the courage to ask my bosses for some slack from working 12 hour days so I could spend some time with my son. Well that did not go over well and now I think my bosses are considering firing me. They don't like anyone who utters more than a peep. So, now I'm feeling vulnerable. My ex is begging me back (crying and pleading) and I may soon be without my 150k plus job. My bf is saying come to my city and get a job that makes you HAPPY. So you can imagine... In feeling very scared about my future.
787Dreamliner Posted October 30, 2014 Posted October 30, 2014 (edited) Hi, first thing you should do is to dump this current boyfriend. The words "red flag" is written all over his face. Ask yourself, is this how you want your future to be? End it now while you can. As for your ex, best is to get a good friend or relative to talk it out with him, asking to leave you alone or at least respect your privacy. Sad to say, these kind of guys bring shame to be community. Hope things will turn out better for you! Edited October 30, 2014 by 787Dreamliner 2
clia Posted October 30, 2014 Posted October 30, 2014 This situation you are in is absolutely nuts. You jumped directly from one dysfunctional relationship into another -- and it must have been pretty much immediately based on your posting history. I think it would do you some good to be on your own for awhile without any many in your life. Your son really needs you right now given that his entire world has been torn apart, and I can't even believe you've allowed this guy to interfere with that. Your son comes first, not this new guy. I'm also floored that you would let this guy control, monitor, and yell at you like this. Why are you putting up with this? 1
Gaeta Posted October 30, 2014 Posted October 30, 2014 I'm also floored that you would let this guy control, monitor, and yell at you like this. Why are you putting up with this? She is blinded by the fact he is a doctor. 6
IronZ Posted October 30, 2014 Posted October 30, 2014 Well I must admit that I allowed myself to become overcome with this man over the past few months and I worry that my job may be in jeopardy. And because of him, I had the courage to ask my bosses for some slack from working 12 hour days so I could spend some time with my son. Well that did not go over well and now I think my bosses are considering firing me. They don't like anyone who utters more than a peep. So, now I'm feeling vulnerable. My ex is begging me back (crying and pleading) and I may soon be without my 150k plus job. My bf is saying come to my city and get a job that makes you HAPPY. So you can imagine... In feeling very scared about my future. Your bosses literally cannot fire you just for requesting time off. If they did they'd have a major wrongful termination case on their hands. Look no offense, but you seem like a pushover. You live your life by other people's rules. You have a guy in your life who is clearly abusing you and you call him "wonderful." You have a job that wears you thin but the second you ask for some slack you think they're going to fire you. You need to get a hold of yourself and realize that you're worth more than that. Take control of your life. 1
Zahara Posted October 30, 2014 Posted October 30, 2014 Four months into a divorce -- you went from one dysfunctional relationship to another. Now, you're struggling dealing with a dysfunctional ex-husband, a toxic boyfriend, the possibility of losing your job, the evident disruption and chaos in your son's life. First step is to remove your boyfriend from your life. Second step is to stay away from men for some time and focus all your attention on your son. 2
snowflakes88 Posted October 30, 2014 Posted October 30, 2014 This guy is an absolute nutcase, and I frankly think you are exercising awful judgment by bringing your child around this level of crazy. Surely you aren't this desperate? 2
snowflakes88 Posted October 30, 2014 Posted October 30, 2014 And not directly related to your question, but I think taking your son out of activities he likes to do (and has grown accustomed to) in order to be able to spend more time with your boyfriend is absolutely the wrong thing to do. 1
Author Mommame2 Posted October 30, 2014 Author Posted October 30, 2014 Well, I don't think taking him out of soccer here and there to go out of town to play with other kids .... (yes with my BF) is necessarily a bad thing. I just wish that I could figure out a way to get myself to recognize the severity of my situation...all of these responses are eye opening. Am I really that much of an idiot not to see that he's out of control? I just see him as a very good man...who is generally happy and honest with me. But, these things pop up ..typically out of jealousy. I guess I feel that it is instigated by my ex. But, quite honestly...he was angry that I didn't tell him EVERYTHING that my ex was texting. He had asked me at dinner if he had texted me ...and I said no. Well, he HAD texted...but my BF was so angry over the traffic jam...that I knew that would just be one more thing to set him off. So...I lied and told him that nothing had come across my phone. I was frank with him after he said that I lied..and told him that his ANGER is what prevents me from telling him this stuff and that my ex's texting I always ignore anyway....so what's the point? My attorney told me to just ignore him....and that's what I'm doing. Why should I pull my phone out and show my BF every time I get an annoying text from the ex?
spiderowl Posted October 30, 2014 Posted October 30, 2014 I think he's crazy and will cause you endless grief. He has no right to invade your privacy like that. If he feels he can't trust you, he should just leave.
snowflakes88 Posted October 30, 2014 Posted October 30, 2014 It's mind-blowing to me that you can't see the enormous red flags flapping all over the place. Your ex is not the issue. Based on your posts, there is one crazy, boundary-crossing, likely abusive, controlling, ridiculously possessive man in this whole situation, and that is your boyfriend. If I were your ex and knew all of these details, I would be high-tailing it to take whatever steps I felt necessary in order to protect the safety of my child. Your boyfriend has some screws loose, and it is plain as day. I had a peek at your post history and see that your therapist suggested you may have a love addiction. Perhaps that is the root of you continuously seeking out these obviously unhealthy situations to avoid being alone.
Gaeta Posted October 30, 2014 Posted October 30, 2014 I just wish that I could figure out a way to get myself to recognize the severity of my situation.. When you find yourself in a women's shelter with a black eye and a few broken ribs maybe you will get it. 1
spiderowl Posted October 30, 2014 Posted October 30, 2014 This new boyfriends has to be 'wonderful' some of the time because otherwise a woman would quickly see that he is a controlling, abusive character with an anger problem. Think about the following: He is keeping tabs on you, by GP and by monitoring your communications He is telling you where you should be and when He is interfering with the things your son normally does so that you can 'be with him' He has anger tantrums which you can't understand (that's because they are out of his control too) He is already blaming you for not telling him everything that you do You want the dream of the great guy but he is not a great guy, he is a horrible mixture of great and abusive. That's how abusive guys get women into relationships - they start out nice, pamper the woman, apparently think the world of her, then start the anger and control. You are already giving way a lot and treading on eggshells with him. Do you ever feel afraid of him? Why do you feel you have to explain where you are to him? Why do you have to tell him 'everything'? He had no right to ask for your phone with your private information. You are slipping under his control bit by bit. Next you will be afraid to leave him for fear of his anger and then what? Look up information on the women's aid sites, read about the 'cycle of abuse'. Maybe, just maybe, you will be able to extricate yourself and your son rather than assume that because your boyfriend wants you it's because he loves you. That level of anger and control is not normal. 2
Author Mommame2 Posted October 30, 2014 Author Posted October 30, 2014 Well I can see why he's worried about my ex. And I can see why he would want to know what was going on with that situation. My ex continues to beg and plead me back. I could see how I would be jealous .. If the reverse was true for him. But I don't want to tell him when my ex contacts me or texts me because I know I can handle it or just ignore it. That's the best situation in my opinion. I have told ex that he is interfering in my life and I think he loves that. So I ignore. I shouldn't have to tell bf when ex contacts me, right?
ExpatInItaly Posted October 31, 2014 Posted October 31, 2014 Well I can see why he's worried about my ex. And I can see why he would want to know what was going on with that situation. My ex continues to beg and plead me back. I could see how I would be jealous .. If the reverse was true for him. But I don't want to tell him when my ex contacts me or texts me because I know I can handle it or just ignore it. That's the best situation in my opinion. I have told ex that he is interfering in my life and I think he loves that. So I ignore. I shouldn't have to tell bf when ex contacts me, right? You shouldn't have to feel you can't tell him. You shouldn't be doing a lot of things you're already doing because you're enabling your current boyfriend's horrendous behaviour. Therefore, you're tacitly accepting it and putting you and your son in an unhealthy situation. Your boy doesn't deserve it.
Zahara Posted October 31, 2014 Posted October 31, 2014 (edited) Well, I don't think taking him out of soccer here and there to go out of town to play with other kids .... (yes with my BF) is necessarily a bad thing. It isn't a good thing when you're doing it because this idiot is dictating where the boy spends his time seeing that he knows your ex is coaching. It's also a benefit to you because YOU want that time with your bf. This isn't about your son but what works for you and the bf. "BF doesn't want my son to go to his soccer game on Saturdays because he wants him to go out of town (back to his house) ...and I have supported that because we spend 3 days there and have fun. But, my ex is the soccer coach..so it's clear my BF is doing this on purpose..." And you're actually noting it's not a bad thing? I just wish that I could figure out a way to get myself to recognize the severity of my situation...all of these responses are eye opening. Am I really that much of an idiot not to see that he's out of control? You know he's out of control. You just don't want to accept it. Accepting requires action. Action requires walking away. You don't have it in you to be alone. It seems you jumping from one dysfunctional man to another is an indication of your own issues. I just see him as a very good man...who is generally happy and honest with me. But, these things pop up ..typically out of jealousy. I guess I feel that it is instigated by my ex. There's nothing good about a man that is manipulative and controlling. He has to show you "good" because it keeps you attached and blinded. But, quite honestly...he was angry that I didn't tell him EVERYTHING that my ex was texting. He had asked me at dinner if he had texted me ...and I said no. Well, he HAD texted...but my BF was so angry over the traffic jam...that I knew that would just be one more thing to set him off. So...I lied and told him that nothing had come across my phone. 4 months in. Lying. Mistrust. Control. Manipulation. Anger. Rage. Passive aggression. I can't imagine what a year from now would look like. Edited October 31, 2014 by Zahara 1
snowflakes88 Posted October 31, 2014 Posted October 31, 2014 (edited) Well I can see why he's worried about my ex. And I can see why he would want to know what was going on with that situation. My ex continues to beg and plead me back. I could see how I would be jealous .. If the reverse was true for him. But I don't want to tell him when my ex contacts me or texts me because I know I can handle it or just ignore it. That's the best situation in my opinion. I have told ex that he is interfering in my life and I think he loves that. So I ignore. I shouldn't have to tell bf when ex contacts me, right? You shouldn't have to tell your boyfriend every time your ex-husband contacts you, given that you have a child together. You shouldn't have to take your child out of a sport he enjoys because your boyfriend insists you do so in order for you to spend more time with him. You shouldn't have to place your professional career in jeopardy by requesting schedule changes because your boyfriend gets angry that your work interferes with spending time with him. You shouldn't have to lie about where you are or what you're doing because you're afraid of him raging on you. You shouldn't have to be at work, monitoring your home computer to confirm that he is indeed snooping around in your personal business. You shouldn't have to send your boyfriend every text message you ever received, or allow him to trace your every move via GPS. And perhaps most importantly, you should not be allowing some man you've known for under 6 months to "substantially distance" you from your own child. Your boyfriend wants you to work less, so you complain at your job. Your boyfriend wants to track your moves, so you let him. Your boyfriend wants your son to quit soccer, so you pull him. Your boyfriend wants access to your text messages, and you allow it. Meanwhile, your son wants to spend alone time with you -- and you deny him that to please your boyfriend. Do you really not see anything wrong with this picture??? NONE of this is normal. Your attempts to normalize it are very concerning. Edited October 31, 2014 by snowflakes88 5
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