Mommame2 Posted October 29, 2014 Posted October 29, 2014 I have been dating a wonderful man for 4 months. We live 3 hours from each other. But we spend long weekends together and he often does a turn around trip every Wednesday to see me. He's very good to me. But my ex (very recent divirce) is terribly jealous. The weekends my ex spends blowing up my phone. My BF thinks it's craxy. He gets very angry. Even had me call his divorce attorney to see if there's anything that could be done. But there's nothinh at this point. Well my bf is very jealous. He hates when men look at me. He's constantly asking who is texting me. He wants to know where I am basically every minute of the day. I have given him all that info and more. Well last night he asked for my cell phone to transfer my ex's texts into the computer. He's very tech savvy. I gave him the phone. And he saw a text from my ex that said hoe much he missed me and how he's suicidal. And it said something like when things were better "recently" I enjoyed our time together. He meant like right before the divorce. But my BF freaked out. And wanted to go through all of the texts. I said sure go ahead. He said no no. I can't. I won't. I need to stop. Well at that point I left my apartment with him to go to work. I instantly went and remotely locked my computer. Because I wanted to see if he was going to bust into my computer. I did not erase anything. Just reset the passcode Sure enough. He did. I got notice that he tried to get into it. He went nuts. Said He just thought I had a virus because a weird screen was up and he was trying to figure it out. He packed up and said he was leaving. That I had something to hide. So I said. Nope no I don't. Come back and look through my texts. I did not erase. So he did. He was so angry. Said that he was still suspicious as to why I locked my computer. That he wants me to Marry him and that this was too much ... We ended up making up once he went through my texts. But he says he's still suspicious of me. What do you think?
Redhead14 Posted October 29, 2014 Posted October 29, 2014 I have been dating a wonderful man for 4 months. We live 3 hours from each other. But we spend long weekends together and he often does a turn around trip every Wednesday to see me. He's very good to me. But my ex (very recent divirce) is terribly jealous. The weekends my ex spends blowing up my phone. My BF thinks it's craxy. He gets very angry. Even had me call his divorce attorney to see if there's anything that could be done. But there's nothinh at this point. Well my bf is very jealous. He hates when men look at me. He's constantly asking who is texting me. He wants to know where I am basically every minute of the day. I have given him all that info and more. Well last night he asked for my cell phone to transfer my ex's texts into the computer. He's very tech savvy. I gave him the phone. And he saw a text from my ex that said hoe much he missed me and how he's suicidal. And it said something like when things were better "recently" I enjoyed our time together. He meant like right before the divorce. But my BF freaked out. And wanted to go through all of the texts. I said sure go ahead. He said no no. I can't. I won't. I need to stop. Well at that point I left my apartment with him to go to work. I instantly went and remotely locked my computer. Because I wanted to see if he was going to bust into my computer. I did not erase anything. Just reset the passcode Sure enough. He did. I got notice that he tried to get into it. He went nuts. Said He just thought I had a virus because a weird screen was up and he was trying to figure it out. He packed up and said he was leaving. That I had something to hide. So I said. Nope no I don't. Come back and look through my texts. I did not erase. So he did. He was so angry. Said that he was still suspicious as to why I locked my computer. That he wants me to Marry him and that this was too much ... We ended up making up once he went through my texts. But he says he's still suspicious of me. What do you think? This situation with him will never go away. Whether he likes it or not, you may or may not have to be in contact with your ex over the years for various reasons and your current bf will always be wary. In the meantime, however, this problem really rests with your ex-husband. You need to go no contact with him for a specified period. AT the end of that time, you need to address his behavior directly in no uncertain terms that unless there is some very specific, justified reason for contacting you, it should not be done. For the most part, he or you should have your lawyers get in contact with you or him. Furthermore, if your divorce was that recent, you probably should not be entering into another relationship yet or even dating, this being one of many reasons for that.
Gaeta Posted October 29, 2014 Posted October 29, 2014 I think you enjoy your ex giving you all this attention because you've done nothing to stop him. I think your current boyfriend is a wackjob for demanding to look in your phone and your computer. The day a man asks me to look in my phone is the last day of our relationship. 10
Author Mommame2 Posted October 29, 2014 Author Posted October 29, 2014 The primary reason my ex bothers me is because of our 8 year old son. My ex just moved and my son asked me to come in and see his new room and my BF went nuts that I went into the Hiuse to see his room.
Gaeta Posted October 29, 2014 Posted October 29, 2014 The primary reason my ex bothers me is because of our 8 year old son. My ex just moved and my son asked me to come in and see his new room and my BF went nuts that I went into the Hiuse to see his room. If things are very volatile between you and your ex you had no business entering his home without his consent. Still, when he texts and calls repetitively you just turn your phone off and go on with enjoying your day. As for your current boyfriend he is one controlling and manipulative freak. Do I really need to explain why? 1
Author Mommame2 Posted October 29, 2014 Author Posted October 29, 2014 Oh no no. My ex and I are on decent terms he invited me in. But it's when my BF posts and tags me on FB etc is when my ex gets nuts. But no I didn't enter without consent. Do you really feel bf behavior was that out of line? He made me feel bad for even changing my code. See he had previous stories of how he spied on previous gfs and also his ex's new husband. And he has cameras (security) in his house and he will pull them up to see what his friends are doing when they stay at his house. So I was testing him. He said he didn't want to continue looking through my texts... So I repeatedly offered while I was there. Then I leave. And I knew he would go back and snoop. I did not erase! Only caught him in the act. But he thought "I" was the problem.
Zahara Posted October 29, 2014 Posted October 29, 2014 Do you really feel bf behavior was that out of line? He made me feel bad for even changing my code. See he had previous stories of how he spied on previous gfs and also his ex's new husband. Good grief. I can't believe you are even asking if his behavior is a major red flag. 5
Ronni_W Posted October 29, 2014 Posted October 29, 2014 What do you think? RUN! RUN! and, when you're clear, then RUN some more. This guy is a control-freak, looking to get you completely off-balance, confused, can't-think-straight-anymore so that he can have 100% control over you after that. Part of his obsessing you is also "being good" to you. They are very clever with their subterfuge. At least, that's how he's coming across to me, in what you've shared about him. 1
Gaeta Posted October 29, 2014 Posted October 29, 2014 Oh no no. My ex and I are on decent terms he invited me in. But it's when my BF posts and tags me on FB etc is when my ex gets nuts. But no I didn't enter without consent. My misunderstanding, sorry. Do you really feel bf behavior was that out of line? out of line is not a strong word enough. His behavior is controlling and abusive. If he does that after 4 months I would hate to hear about what he does after 6 months. He made me feel bad for even changing my code. See he had previous stories of how he spied on previous gfs and also his ex's new husband. You think normal people do that? And he has cameras (security) in his house and he will pull them up to see what his friends are doing when they stay at his house. The man is seriously sick. 5
heartshaped Posted October 29, 2014 Posted October 29, 2014 I agree with everyone else. He's crazy. I was unfortunately in an abusive relationship in the past and this is how it started. Going through my phone, my computer, etc. It starts with trying to control you and then it just escalates. Judging by this man's behavior and the behavior of your ex-husband it sounds like you have a habit of picking men who are jealous and controlling. I would dump the current boyfriend before he does something even more crazy or hurts you and then I would get therapy to sort out why you choose these types of men. 2
Author Mommame2 Posted October 29, 2014 Author Posted October 29, 2014 He is very controlling. This is true. So much so he has had temper tantrums when I told him I can't get off work on a certain day. He will be so angry at my bosses for not allowing me time off. My work/profession is not as easy going as his... Where he gets to name his own schedule. He wants me to move with my 8 year old to his city. He wants me to relocate asap and wants to marry me. He is very wealthy and could take care of us very well. But I see these times when he blows up over traffic, or me not being able to get time off... Or my ex texting me. He was very angry with me when he saw texts to my ex about the mileage on the car that I am driving since it is a lease. It was a civil back and forth. He said these were "conversations" that he didn't know about
d0nnivain Posted October 29, 2014 Posted October 29, 2014 I think your "wonderful" BF isn't so wonderful. He's Jealous & controlling. this won't get better. Anyone who can't handle it when a person of the opposite gender looks at their SO has a screw lose & the potential to become dangerous. Why your BF had to download the messages is beyond me. Since you let him do it, OK fine. When he went to break into your computer later . . . nope . . . Goodbye. What's he going to do next, place spywear on your system?
BluEyeL Posted October 29, 2014 Posted October 29, 2014 This boyfriend shows signs of an abusive partner. You should break up with him. 3
Gaeta Posted October 29, 2014 Posted October 29, 2014 Well my bf is very jealous. He hates when men look at me. He's constantly asking who is texting me. He wants to know where I am basically every minute of the day. I have given him all that info and more. Let me pick your brain a little. When he first showed signs of being a jealous controlling mental case why did you go along with it? 3
Eighty_nine Posted October 29, 2014 Posted October 29, 2014 Right. No one gets, say, punched in the face on a first date. They seem normal, behavior gets controlling, then escalates from there. I'd tell anyone to run but especially since you're also dealing with an ex who can't accept that the relationship is over... things will get bad even faster in this situation in terms of your current bfs control issues. You gotta end it now. 4
Author Mommame2 Posted October 29, 2014 Author Posted October 29, 2014 I know he's controlling... I feel that. And I think I handle his jealous/controlling behavior better than his moments of anger. I also realize that he's distanced me substantially from my son. My BF is very very serious with me...wants to marry me. And he really enjoys spending time with my son. But, my son wants time alone with me...and I have done a poor job of mandating that. I work so much...and my weekends are always with my BF (even when son is around).... The problem really is that my BF doesn't want my son to go to his soccer game on Saturdays because he wants him to go out of town (back to his house) ...and I have supported that because we spend 3 days there and have fun. But, my ex is the soccer coach..so it's clear my BF is doing this on purpose... The weird thing is my bf will say things like..."I want you to be happy...if you need to spend time with your son...will you tell me?" "I dont' want to direct your divorce etc"....but the minute I start doing things "my" way..he complains. Says I'm not tough enough...that "something is weird...I feel like something else is going on here..." He says that stuff and it makes me feel so lost...and I feel torn. meantime, my ex is struggling...saying that he's going through a nervous breakdown...having panic attacks. And my BF literally told me he would be happy if my ex committed suicide...because our sadness would be easier to deal with that my ex.
Author Mommame2 Posted October 29, 2014 Author Posted October 29, 2014 I know he's controlling... I feel that. And I think I handle his jealous/controlling behavior better than his moments of anger. I also realize that he's distanced me substantially from my son. My BF is very very serious with me...wants to marry me. And he really enjoys spending time with my son. But, my son wants time alone with me...and I have done a poor job of mandating that. I work so much...and my weekends are always with my BF (even when son is around).... The problem really is that my BF doesn't want my son to go to his soccer game on Saturdays because he wants him to go out of town (back to his house) ...and I have supported that because we spend 3 days there and have fun. But, my ex is the soccer coach..so it's clear my BF is doing this on purpose... The weird thing is my bf will say things like..."I want you to be happy...if you need to spend time with your son...will you tell me?" "I dont' want to direct your divorce etc"....but the minute I start doing things "my" way..he complains. Says I'm not tough enough...that "something is weird...I feel like something else is going on here..." He says that stuff and it makes me feel so lost...and I feel torn. meantime, my ex is struggling...saying that he's going through a nervous breakdown...having panic attacks. And my BF literally told me he would be happy if my ex committed suicide...because our sadness would be easier to deal with that my ex.
CarrieT Posted October 29, 2014 Posted October 29, 2014 My BF is very very serious with me...wants to marry me. After only FOUR MONTHS? This is why one should date another person for at least year (through all four seasons) so that issues like this have time to present themselves. Fortunately for you, this psychotic behavior has presented itself early enough for you to realize you should GET OUT NOW. If it is this bad after only a few months, imagine what a lifetime of this will be like. No thank you... 2
Author Mommame2 Posted October 29, 2014 Author Posted October 29, 2014 Yeah, I suppose this is true. But, I must be insane because I love him so much. This is going to be hard. I think the REALLY weird thing...is that he got upset before this ordeal last night because I hadn't blindly handed him my old iphone. He bought me a new one about 2 months ago...and I was advised to save all the texts from my ex...by my attorney. But, that phone had stuff from all of my past on there. He kept asking me if he could have it when he would drop me off for work or something and I always made an excuse that I didn't have it or something. Well last night he said ...what are you hiding...why aren't you willing to give me your phone? Then he asked me if I gave it to my ex! I said absolutely not! He said...well you never seem to want to give it to me. I did not feel good about handing this man (who is super tech savvy) my old iphone with all my old pics and texts on there...without me being present. I didn't have anything to hide NOW but I had dated people before..and I didn't want him having all my numbers etc. You know?
mammasita Posted October 29, 2014 Posted October 29, 2014 Controlling behavior never gets "handled".....you've only seen the tip of the iceberg. 2
Author Mommame2 Posted October 29, 2014 Author Posted October 29, 2014 To answer your question -- the first time he really really BLEW up was when he was under heavy stress. He is a brilliant doctor, but is often very forgetful. He forgets his wallet...phone etc. Well, the morning we were supposed to fly out of town, he misplaced his wallet at a starbucks. He was just a mess. So angry! He is very alpha male....so I think it took me by surprise even... He was swearing and screaming...and just freaking out. It lasted for hours even though I called the starbucks and found the wallet for him. But, I chalked that all up to being very stressed before a trip and not understanding that I am sensitive. My ex and I never fought all that much. If we did -- we didn't swear or yell at each other loudly. So this was something I thought was possibly normal? And I just hadn't been with anyone who was so passionate (good and bad). Let me pick your brain a little. When he first showed signs of being a jealous controlling mental case why did you go along with it?
soph-walker Posted October 29, 2014 Posted October 29, 2014 After 4 months he shouldn't be demanding to go through your phone. It's not like you've been married for 40 years, he should trust you implicitly at such an early, fragile stage in the relationship. It should be honeymoon period, not 'god I need to see your texts'. Then again, he could have been burned in previous relationships and is very very insecure. If this is the case, then it's time to reassure him but set clear boundaries of what is acceptable and what isn't.
Gaeta Posted October 29, 2014 Posted October 29, 2014 I also realize that he's distanced me substantially from my son. You let a man you've been dating 4 MONTHS distance you from your child !!! Your little child of 8 years old !! Listen, your primary job in this world, at this moment, is to be a MOTHER to that child NOT BE THE DOCTOR'S GIRLFRIEND. If you let this man break your bond with your son your son will resent you for the rest of his life. You get ONE chance at being a good mother! And you're on your way to screwing it up! Your boyfriend may be a doctor but he's a complete nut case. With what you've said so far it's just a matter of time before he hits you AND your son. Your boyfriend is NOT serious about you. He wants to own you, control manipulate and abuse you. He wants you to be 'his thing'. There is nothing flattering being with a man like him. 6
umirano Posted October 29, 2014 Posted October 29, 2014 Why does he want and get access to all your essential devices? As in full access? Why do you give it to him? There's no good reason to do that generally. Esp if your just dating for a couple of months. I wouldn't dream of giving or demanding such access. In this day and age you basically hand him your online identity and a lot more by granting this type of access to your electronic communication. And my second question is, how much do you have to text your ex? And how does your ex get to be jealous of your new love interest? That's absurd. You divorce(d) him. Keep your communication with your ex formal and to the point. No walks down memory lane. That'd make even the least control-freaky type of lover a little itchy. But now the damage is done. And maybe for the better so. I don't think you can go back to keep your stuff for yourself. Now he'll accuse you of all sorts of things if you try to take a step back to mutually respected privacy. You could try, but I understand he doesn't react calmly when things don't go his way? So maybe indeed it's time to let him go. Moving 3 hrs with your 8 yo and marriage talk definitely seems premature given the mess you're describing.
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