Author bz42 Posted November 5, 2014 Author Posted November 5, 2014 I wouldn't be responsible for a subleaser, I can move out anytime with no change to anything. My girlfriend would be the one who needs to find a subleaser. I am just trying to figure out what I can do in the present moment to help my relationship with my girlfriend grow all the while having this guy involved in the household which is obviously a detriment to our relationship. As far as any major changes with my current situation goes, what can I do to make this work. Any discussions or confrontations, anything I can do to get my girlfriend to not think about this guy in a romantic way? Any way I can help myself? Thanks again.
Redhead14 Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 I wouldn't be responsible for a subleaser, I can move out anytime with no change to anything. My girlfriend would be the one who needs to find a subleaser. I am just trying to figure out what I can do in the present moment to help my relationship with my girlfriend grow all the while having this guy involved in the household which is obviously a detriment to our relationship. As far as any major changes with my current situation goes, what can I do to make this work. Any discussions or confrontations, anything I can do to get my girlfriend to not think about this guy in a romantic way? Any way I can help myself? Thanks again. There is nothing you can do to control what she thinks or does! You just need to tell her to support you 100% on this issue and if she doesn't you will be leaving. It's that simple. Nothing will work unless she is working with you. 2
Author bz42 Posted November 5, 2014 Author Posted November 5, 2014 I just feel that this guy has been trying for 7 years to sleep with my girlfriend and he is super frustrated at the fact that it hasn't happened, and my presence being with her is making him really jealous and I feel as if his top priority in life is to ultimately get my girlfriend in bed no matter how long it takes, with no regard for anyone else but his own and if it has been 7 years, it seems to me as if this guy is being very patient and it is consuming me in a way that is terrible. Also, the fact that I swooped in and took her away from him, the fact that he knows she is sleeping in my arms must be so needling to him. The fact that he is here in the house, and every tiny attempt at isolating her, and every manipulating, controlled way he can think of to make this happen. Just want a feasible plan I can follow. Of course I will keep you all updated, I know I am being annoying to you all, it's just a very, very frustrating thing and I hope you all understand. Any last advice/tips would be greatly appreciated.
writergal Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 bz42 you're not being annoying. You're a 25 year old guy who finds himself in a very awkward living arrangement with his girlfriend and her male friend who she has had feelings for and kissed in her past. Instead of obsessing about their past together, try to focus on your present with her. Start there and move forward. Put aside your fears and paranoia about his actions, which he hasn't acted on yet. The more you believe that your girlfriend will cheat on him behind your back, you may inadvertently push them together the more you question her loyalty to you. If you keep questioning her loyalty, she'll get fed up and go to her male friend for support. So, time to set aside your jealousy and fears and focus your energy on continuing to build trust and intimacy with your girlfriend. Leave her male friend out of your relationship for now. Just accept that they are friends, even though you don't like it. They haven't crossed a line with each other yet and may never. You can't control her and that shouldn't be your goal in life to control her or anyone. The only person you have control over is yourself. You have lots of great advice here in this thread as to how to handle and cope with your awkward living arrangement. Scroll back and reread the thread if you need to.
Author bz42 Posted November 5, 2014 Author Posted November 5, 2014 (edited) THANK YOU ALL SOOOOOO MUCH! I WILL KEEP YOU GUYS UPDATED! As an endnote, this is what I have prepared as far as telling her how I feel about the current situation. Please respond, and help me edit this as this is what I have decided I will do for now. This is a rough draft, and I want you all to know that you're input is always important to me. Thanks again. Here it goes. "Look, I love you unconditionally and you know this. What I need from you is a little reassurance that I am in fact your one and only man. I need to hear it from you that I am, and will always remain the top priority in your life. The go to guy for anything you need, and most importantly I need to FEEL that you're completely committed to me and NOTHING in the past or future, will ever stand in your way. I need you to understand that my love for you is undying and I will do whatever it takes for our relationship to grow and prosper. Know that any attempt at me getting any reassurance from you is only to help us grow as a whole and includes no malicious intent. Most importantly, I need to feel that you are not holding anything back as far as your displays of affection towards me because it makes me feel like you are not totally committed to me as your lover, and I need to let go of that idea. However, I do understand that you do not like PDA. But I really hope you understand that for me, it is paramount in my understanding of your love. What I am asking from you is vital in establishing and maintaining a happy and healthy framework in our relationship. I want to know that you will put forth the biggest effort in supporting me and our loving relationship together, forever." Edited November 5, 2014 by bz42
NJ123 Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 I don't know why you even agreed to those living arrangements in the first place. It's just super awkward, and of course there's going to be tension. Basically your in a lose-lose situation here. Your basically going to be forced to make her choose between you two. And if you don't want him around her she's going to resent you for it.
Author bz42 Posted November 5, 2014 Author Posted November 5, 2014 If anyone feels this is a bad idea, or that I should add/subtract things, please speak up because this is what I have decided on doing.
writergal Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 Bz42: No need to send her an email. In fact, I wouldn't recommend doing that because the draft you've written above comes across a little confrontational as though your girlfriend's loyalty to you is on trial. If anything, face to face discussion is better where matters like these are concerned. Email is impersonal and can be misconstrued. Just let it go for now. Leave it alone. Don't send that to her in an email and don't confront her about it when she gets home. Take a break from this and come back to it at the end of the week or even better, the weekend.
Keke1 Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 Yes, she has had a male roommate. When they were friends in college, they spoke about how she needed to find a new apartment to move into. One day, he suggested that if she was serious that he also needed to find a new place and they moved in together. Their lease was up a few months ago, they renewed it once before but now they have added 2 other roommates to a house that we all live in now. I am 25, she is 24. I have known her since we were both in Kindergarten. We both always had crushes on each other but since we were both in different circles in school, we never got to date. We have gone on movie dates in the past but that used to be like once every 2 years. She moved for college, and until recently I contacted her after having a dream about her and we fell in love since. I wouldn't say she is "flirty" with him, but I know they both used to like each other at a point. I am 100% sure that they never slept together, he has tried once in the past but she said no. 100% lol that's funny to me
Author bz42 Posted November 5, 2014 Author Posted November 5, 2014 I agree, but isn't what I am saying to her true and exactly how I feel regarding our current situation? Is it bad to express my feelings in such a way?
Keke1 Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 (edited) Dude don't send that email. Imo she has feelings for him and she's playing you. Before you asked her to move out I already knew the answer. Excuses galore. It shouldn't be that difficult to move if she really really wanted to. Look for someone else to move in and pay her part. If you don't try you'll never know. That entry showed you a ton. Are you sure he's not the only manipulative one you're dealing with? Also you keep saying you would do anything to stay with her. It means nothing if she isn't 100% along with you. Edited November 5, 2014 by Keke1
Author bz42 Posted November 5, 2014 Author Posted November 5, 2014 I feel as though her points for not moving out are somewhat reasonable. We plan on moving very far away sometime in the spring on 2015, and it's not exactly the most reasonable thing to do. I just feel that I need to let her know somehow that whatever is going on cannot continue as it is affecting my part in the relationship and I was hoping that if she can understand where I am coming from, she may decide to finally commit to me as her only romantic partner. Am I wrong?
Author bz42 Posted November 5, 2014 Author Posted November 5, 2014 Keke1, I do agree with you that she needs to be 100% along with me and I truly believe that is what she wants, but with this guy always around it will not happen. Honestly, I think it is not really in my hands. She needs to decide for her own what is most important to her. She needs to come to her own conclusion of breaking off any romantic feelings with this guy before she fully commits to me. I can only hint to her that I need it done and over with. I am hoping that she will realize how important it is to me and finally make that decision. That is my thought on it. 1
Author bz42 Posted November 5, 2014 Author Posted November 5, 2014 Not going to send the e-mail but this is what I will do. Next time she is ever doing dishes or something and he is around, I will come up behind her and hug her and kiss her head/neck. This way, I won't have to say anything to either of them, the guy will get the point and hopefully back off and she will hopefully accept it and become more comfortable with affection in front of him especially. No matter how angry or upset this guy gets when he sees this, is completely irrelevant to me. As long as I can get her to accept affection from me without trying to back off, I feel as if that is the biggest win I can ask for. She will stop thinking of him as a "romantic partner", and he will see that she is closed for business, permanently. Hope you guys agree.
NJ123 Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 Keke1, I do agree with you that she needs to be 100% along with me and I truly believe that is what she wants, but with this guy always around it will not happen. Honestly, I think it is not really in my hands. She needs to decide for her own what is most important to her. She needs to come to her own conclusion of breaking off any romantic feelings with this guy before she fully commits to me. I can only hint to her that I need it done and over with. I am hoping that she will realize how important it is to me and finally make that decision. That is my thought on it. It seems you magically want this guy to stop having feelings for her. How can you really blame him really though for being pissed off? It's tough for him to be living under the same roof as you with her, especially since he was there first. If the shoe was on the other foot, you'd probably be pissed off too. Your in a really tough spot here though since she's going to have to choose between you or him.
Author bz42 Posted November 5, 2014 Author Posted November 5, 2014 (edited) NJ123, I am not blaming him for having feelings for my girl. Yeah, obviously if I were in his position, I would be passed off too. The way I see it, he had years and years to become romantic with her. Yeah, I guess he was there first but he could never call her his girlfriend, so It sounds like a personal problem to me. If it has been this long, then I really don't feel anything for the guy. He had like 5 years of opportunities, and now that he sees she is in a committed relationship, as her "friend", the immediate and respectful thing I would do for her sake and my sake would be to back off. Anyways, next opportunity I get, I will not be afraid to show affection towards my girlfriend in front of him. The only reason I haven't is because like other people have stated, I am not on the lease and do not feel as if this is my house/territory. Edited November 5, 2014 by bz42
NJ123 Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 NJ123, I am not blaming him for having feelings for my girl. Yeah, obviously if I were in his position, I would be passed off too. The way I see it, he had years and years to become romantic with her. If it has been this long, then I really don't feel anything for the guy. He had like 5 years of opportunities, and now that he sees she is in a committed relationship, as her "friend", the immediate and respectful thing I would do for her sake and my sake would be to back off. Anyways, next opportunity I get, I will not be afraid to show affection towards my girlfriend in front of him. The only reason I haven't is because like other people have stated, I am not on the lease and do not feel as if this is my house/territory. True. But your probably going to want to move out sooner rather than later. Your situation is pretty much as awkward as it gets in a relationship. The thought of some guy under the same roof wanting your girlfriend is going to be on your mind until you get out of there no matter what you do. And you really need to find out somehow what she really thinks of him. Seems from some of the things you've said in your posts, that she feels something for him, even if it's just a little bit. 1
Author bz42 Posted November 5, 2014 Author Posted November 5, 2014 (edited) Yes, she does but I don't put any blame on her either. Welcome to my world. At the same time, what I can do is try to make her more open towards affection in front of this guy. That will take a huge weight off my shoulders, if she does it can only mean that she has broken this affection barrier with me when he is around and that sounds like a very good start to me, especially if I can at the same time tell him to back off without words. Please tell me you agree with this course of action. I accept the fact that as badly as I would like her to stop having romantic feelings for him, it definitely won't happen with a conversation or an e-mail. If it is going to happen, I need it to happen naturally on her own will. Any outside involvement may slow that process down or eliminate it all together. I do believe that if she can start being comfortable with affection around him, then the battle is won because without that affection being shown around him, her feelings for him may never dissipate. Edited November 5, 2014 by bz42 1
NJ123 Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 Yes, she does but I don't put any blame on her either. Welcome to my world. At the same time, what I can do is try to make her more open towards affection in front of this guy. That will take a huge weight off my shoulders, if she does it can only mean that she has broken this affection barrier with me when he is around and that sounds like a very good start to me, especially if I can at the same time tell him to back off without words. Please tell me you agree with this course of action. I definitely agree, but be prepared to possibly get into something with this guy. He'll possibly start to be even more resentful towards you. That's why you need to get out of there, away from him asap.
Author bz42 Posted November 5, 2014 Author Posted November 5, 2014 If he gets resentful, like I said that sounds like a personal issue. In the end, it's my girlfriend and no matter what they had in the past should stay In the past. If he isn't willing to be respectful to everyone involved, which speaks true to his character than yeah I really don't care about him at all. Anyways, that will be my course of action. I am going to be very affectionate with my girlfriend in front of him. He needs to be respectful for people other than himself and back off. Actions speak louder than words.
NJ123 Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 If he gets resentful, like I said that sounds like a personal issue. In the end, it's my girlfriend and no matter what they had in the past should stay In the past. If he isn't willing to be respectful to everyone involved, which speaks true to his character than yeah I really don't care about him at all. Anyways, that will be my course of action. I am going to be very affectionate with my girlfriend in front of him. He needs to be respectful for people other than himself and back off. Actions speak louder than words. Well it's obvious he has a personal issue with you just due to the fact your with her. He sounds like a complete dick in that regard, but like I said no matter what you do highly likely won't change his feelings for her. So you need to move out with your g/f asap if she's 100% willing to. If she gives you excuses, than you know something is up.
Author bz42 Posted November 5, 2014 Author Posted November 5, 2014 Yeah, in fact he is a dick. He takes advantage of all his roommates all the time. Usually in financial situations, which he had taken advantage of my girlfriend for those 2 years they lived together. The one roommate has a problem with him because he is literally screwing her by demanding the same amount of rent and his room is 2.5x the size. Her room doesn't even have windows. So aside, from my relationship with my girlfriend...He is a dick. He'll have to watch as I start being affectionate with my girlfriend around him. I'm a very kind person and really understanding, but for someone like him, I could care less.
todreaminblue Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 sounds like he is being territorial, who was head of the house or who is head of the house first can you tell me? did you move in after him i am assuming you did?
Author bz42 Posted November 6, 2014 Author Posted November 6, 2014 There are 4 people on the lease and they all moved in at the same time. Yet, he believes that he is the "homeowner" in a sense. I moved into with my girlfriend soon after. Obviously we needed to get permission from everyone before I did so.
patriciasex Posted November 6, 2014 Posted November 6, 2014 Why would you get yourself into a situation like this to begin with? This scenario has disaster written all over it. You should get out of there as soon as you can. This will not come to a good end.
Recommended Posts