Omei Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 Omei, yes that is exactly the situation I am involved in and is exactly the reason why I am taking these necessary precautions to litigate the risk in this happening. I feel as though you are definitely looking out for my best intentions and I appreciate that. I would like to remain in contact with the three of you, (omei, writergal, and redhead). I wish there was a way I could pm you guys but I don't see it. If you know how this can be possible, please let me know. Otherwise, I would hate to lose this discussion between you guys and am looking at outsourcing ways in we can remain in contact. THANK YOU. I think you need to have a certain post quota before you're able to send private msgs
Author bz42 Posted November 4, 2014 Author Posted November 4, 2014 I do trust her with everything, also I am willin gto be in this relationship at any cost because I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I can and will sacrifice anything and at all costs. However, any risk or jeopardization (pretty sure that's not a word) to my relationship with her will not be tolerated. I will immediately look for a way to neutralize any threat to our relationship together.
writergal Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 I cant help but feel a little torn for her tho both guys shes known extremely long and it looks as tho it might come down to picking one or the other. OP if you guys were to move out together I assume you would still be unhappy with her hanging out with this male friend and it is very unlikely she will just give up that friendship unless he takes actions so far (like a kiss) making grounds for you to request them to no longer be friends. Do you trust her enough to always be in contact with this friend? Are you willing to be in a relationship with this male guys always trying to work his way in? CAN YOU EVEN DO THIS? have you asked yourself? Again, good point Omei. Even if Bz42 and his girlfriend find a place together and she is able to sublease her portion of the rent to 2 other people her college friend will likely still be in the picture. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and in her case, it could well mean that she refuses to choose between Bz42 as her boyfriend and this guy her college friend. I don't feel empathy for her though because she created this awkward situation by her choices alone. Bz42 didn't get his name on the lease because the relationship was still in the new stages at the time. How long have you been together now Bz42? If your girlfriend refuses to give up her bedroom and to sublease it and another bedroom to cover rent, what do you want to do?
Author bz42 Posted November 4, 2014 Author Posted November 4, 2014 I am 25, she is soon to be 25. I would like to spend the rest of my life with her. I feel that this guy's plan is to secretly try and kill our relationship ASAP to swoop in which is why I am feeling this way. He is manipulating and he is afraid that I have come in and I have also caught on to who he really is. Not a good guy at all...I haven't said this but the 4th roommate here was found on craigslist, and she has a huge problem with this guy. This guy has the biggest room, and pretty much acts like the entire house is his, while leaving her with a very tiny room with no windows and expects everyone to pay exactly the same with no interest in making anyone happy but himself.
Author bz42 Posted November 4, 2014 Author Posted November 4, 2014 Spot on writergal, that's what happened. I think that she truly loves me, so I'm expecting her to want to help out in any way she can. I think moving out and subletting is not of her top priority but if I make it known to her that this is what I need for our relationship to grow and prosper she would absolutely be willing to do it. We are not in great financial statuses right now, as we are both new out of college and have low paying jobs. This is likely the biggest reason that subleasing would be a negative idea. We have been together now for 6 months, and living together for 3.
writergal Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 I am 25, she is soon to be 25. I would like to spend the rest of my life with her. I feel that this guy's plan is to secretly try and kill our relationship ASAP to swoop in which is why I am feeling this way. He is manipulating and he is afraid that I have come in and I have also caught on to who he really is. Not a good guy at all...I haven't said this but the 4th roommate here was found on craigslist, and she has a huge problem with this guy. This guy has the biggest room, and pretty much acts like the entire house is his, while leaving her with a very tiny room with no windows and expects everyone to pay exactly the same with no interest in making anyone happy but himself. Well look up the tenant/sublease laws in your city/state. You may have a case of 3 against 1 if he's not paying a larger portion of square footage, or if he creates problems in the house for the other Craigslist roommate as well. So you could get him evicted but you have to make sure your reasons fit within the tenant/sublease laws of your city/state. Who is the landlord?
Omei Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 I do trust her with everything, also I am willin gto be in this relationship at any cost because I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I can and will sacrifice anything and at all costs. However, any risk or jeopardization (pretty sure that's not a word) to my relationship with her will not be tolerated. I will immediately look for a way to neutralize any threat to our relationship together. Well that's great to hear but what im saying is ya'll move out, good, great. Her friendship with this guy will still remain and still go for her after you move out (def wait till you move out) Do you plan to take this on? When you say sacrifice do you mean you are willing to be with this girl and have this friend still be intertwined in your relationship?
writergal Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 Spot on writergal, that's what happened. I think that she truly loves me, so I'm expecting her to want to help out in any way she can. I think moving out and subletting is not of her top priority but if I make it known to her that this is what I need for our relationship to grow and prosper she would absolutely be willing to do it. We are not in great financial statuses right now, as we are both new out of college and have low paying jobs. This is likely the biggest reason that subleasing would be a negative idea. We have been together now for 6 months, and living together for 3. So you have only been together for 6 months, living together for 3 months and are fresh out of college with low paying jobs? Yeah, you may need to stay put for the time being until you have more money saved up to move out and to sublease. I didn't know that before. It wouldn't make financial sense for you to move out then right now.
Author bz42 Posted November 4, 2014 Author Posted November 4, 2014 Absense does make the heart grow fonder, and I feel as if that is what is happening in this case currently. They both are used to doing everything together and spending all their free time together, I mean come on they lived together. Ever since I became a part of the picture, I feel as if they both are missing each other since they don't get nearly as much time together as they used to. She always told me she was very close with him, but I feel as though if she truly loves me, she would be willing to let go of this "other guy", since I should be the priority guy in her life. But yes, I feel as though this "absence makes the heart grow fonder" is in the most effective stage at this point because it has been 3-6 months since they have been able to have their "sacred alone time". I feel as though they both feel it at this time, and yes, it is affecting the relationship. I am not sure as to how to combat this which is why I come to you guys for help!
Omei Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 I don't feel empathy for her though because she created this awkward situation by her choices alone. That is so true, op made the choice to move in also. Tbh even if there wasn't this other male issues a fresh couple in a house with 4 others is not a great start ;p eventually the house would split to sides.
Author bz42 Posted November 4, 2014 Author Posted November 4, 2014 I mean that, I would do anything to be with this girl. I have known her since I was 5, we both crushed on each other throughout the years. When I was really young, and AOL Instant Messaging was a thing, she remembers me telling her I loved her. I also remember this time, and it was the first person I ever told that to. His was when I was maybe 10 or 11 years old. The problem here is that this guy has been in her life for the latter 7 years and it is a constant battle, in the end I feel as though she will HAVE to choose, in which I know it will be me. But currently, I am going through what feels like war to keep her. I want this guy gone, and I have tried somewhat to phase him out, but I feel as if it only makes this guy and her miss what friendship they had before I got here. But, I do know that if it is going to work out with her, this guy will unfortunately have to be gone from her life. If he likes her romantically, I feel as though there is no way he can remain in her life.
Omei Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 (edited) Absense does make the heart grow fonder, and I feel as if that is what is happening in this case currently. They both are used to doing everything together and spending all their free time together, I mean come on they lived together. Ever since I became a part of the picture, I feel as if they both are missing each other since they don't get nearly as much time together as they used to. She always told me she was very close with him, but I feel as though if she truly loves me, she would be willing to let go of this "other guy", since I should be the priority guy in her life. But yes, I feel as though this "absence makes the heart grow fonder" is in the most effective stage at this point because it has been 3-6 months since they have been able to have their "sacred alone time". I feel as though they both feel it at this time, and yes, it is affecting the relationship. I am not sure as to how to combat this which is why I come to you guys for help! I was kinda just waiting and hoping you would say that, because I gather that's what you're thinking and ive tried to drop hints over and over that it's UNLIKELY. Would you give up a 7 year best friend for a fresh love? Most people would not. And as I have said you also have no right to request this of her UNTIL they cross that boundary so the question remains can you be with this girl while she's best friends with this guy. I'll help you out.....do not ever make her choose ever she will pick him purely out of the fact he isn't asking that of her. Edited November 4, 2014 by Omei
Author bz42 Posted November 4, 2014 Author Posted November 4, 2014 I also feel as if this guy is trying his hardest to "keep it cool" and trying to act as if there is nothing going on or bothering him. But, at the same time, he knows time is running out and it creates a problem because if they ever do get alone time or hang out together, I know he is going to try his best to belittle my relationship with her and get very creative in any way he can attempt to "steal" her from me.
writergal Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 Aww how sweet that you have both been in each other's lives since you were 5! Since neither of you can afford to move out and to sublease, then I think you're all stuck living together until your financial situation improves. I think you still need to have a "roommate" discussion since your attempts to have a man-to-man chat with this guy hasn't changed his behavior for the better. And your girlfriend really needs to stop pretending she can't do anything to assuage your fears. Of course she can. She can start by putting up boundaries between her and her college guy friend, to rebuild your trust.
Author bz42 Posted November 4, 2014 Author Posted November 4, 2014 Thank you all. Now as my best course of action, she should be getting home from work in the next hour and her guy friend is also here. I could get them both to sit down and talk about it. Before I do that, should I ask her to move out with me beforehand to get a gauge of where she is? I honestly believe that if she is willing to tell me that there is nothing left for her here and she's willing to move across the country with me, then yeah I believe that she is willing to drop this guy for me. Anyways, I want to take some sort of action today, what do you guys think the best way of handling this situation would be?
Author bz42 Posted November 4, 2014 Author Posted November 4, 2014 Also, yeah I am willing to do whatever it takes to remove this "parasite" from our relationship. If that means getting a second job to help pay for our own place, I am more than willing to do that. I am truly in love with her and would do anything to make it work.
Omei Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 (edited) Thank you all. Now as my best course of action, she should be getting home from work in the next hour and her guy friend is also here. I could get them both to sit down and talk about it. Before I do that, should I ask her to move out with me beforehand to get a gauge of where she is? I honestly believe that if she is willing to tell me that there is nothing left for her here and she's willing to move across the country with me, then yeah I believe that she is willing to drop this guy for me. Anyways, I want to take some sort of action today, what do you guys think the best way of handling this situation would be? I think the best course of action is just talking to your gf now just her, do not involve the guy you throw accusations his way now you could piss him off with your name not on the lease he is the king of the castle right now. If you guys cannot afford to move out the only discussion you should have that includes more ppl than just your girl will be about getting your name on the lease if yall break up, have a fight there is nothing to protect you. After that convo talk to your girl about shutting down any flirtatious advances privately. Just so its super clear again, you have no right to ask them to not be friends they haven't done anything together and to expect that this is whats going to happen is unlikely do not be surprised she's unwilling to give up her friendship for a freshly kindling love, over time their friendship may fade but for now they have every right to still be friends since both are sticking within friendship guidelines. Edited November 4, 2014 by Omei
Author bz42 Posted November 4, 2014 Author Posted November 4, 2014 Omei, I am willing to get a second job to help afford moving out. Assuming that we are able to move out, financially, what would you say would be the best course of action tonight. I cannot keep this bottled up anymore. I have spoken to her numerous times about him, when he is passive-aggressive towards me, which involves being rude like when I am trying to get something from the top cabinet and he is sitting there obviously in the way and won't excuse himself or when he makes such comments at a halloween party. Nothing happens, no action is taken, and it is me who it backfires on, and I don't want to be put in that situation anymore. If anything, I'd like to plan a course of action I can take in the next hour. Let me know what you would do, and I will consider taking a course of action based on what you all have to say and what you think would be the best way to take on this issue. Something needs to be said, and a confrontation needs to happen...tonight.
Author bz42 Posted November 4, 2014 Author Posted November 4, 2014 The thing is there are no "flirtacious advances" as of now. Any flirtacious advances are hidden because he doesn't want to be obvious. The thing is, he is so blatant about hiding these advances, that it is bright and clear to me. She does not see any of these advances. I only see the hiding.
Omei Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 The thing is there are no "flirtacious advances" as of now. Any flirtacious advances are hidden because he doesn't want to be obvious. The thing is, he is so blatant about hiding these advances, that it is bright and clear to me. She does not see any of these advances. I only see the hiding. Then you need to ask her if hes doing it when they are alone, if yes you need to tell her to shut it down. If hes not then you need to drop the entire thing completely because if hes not and you're going to go on with this they are there but hidden so hidden only I can see sorry but that sounds pretty CRAZY and you will drive her away.
writergal Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 Omei has brought up good points. Suggested course of action: 1. Tell them you want your name added to the lease. After all, you pay rent and it is illegal for the lanlord not to have all the renters' names on the lease. Once you get your name added to the lease, your decisions regarding the living situation hold more power. And you can kick out the parasite should he blatantly make a move on your girlfriend as Omei pointed out (a kiss or more). 2. Have a roommate meeting to discuss the share of rent. Since parasite has the largest room, his portion of rent should reflect that. The other 3 of you should pay less than he does. 3. Since your previous attempts to get your girlfriend to admit she has feelings for her guy friend have failed, I think you need a different approach than a one-on-one since that hasn't worked. You could leave it alone until something happens (in which case your girlfriend can't accuse you of being the jealous, paranoid boyfriend because she's guilty of infidelity now too). Or you could broach the subject one last time with her but in a way that makes it clear to her that she needs to establish some stronger boundaries with her male college friend so that you can trust her. Make it clear to her that you don't trust him, and tell her that defending him only makes you more suspicious which is the truth. She needs to take action here, not you. She created this situation of awkward dynamics and seems to have little to no interest in being an adult to fix it. If she wants the relationship with you to continue, she needs to take some action or you can't trust her. It's that simple. 1
Omei Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 I am at a point now where I am questioning OP's imagination if there are no advances, no flirting, she can't see it...how could she if they don't exist? but only you can see these "hidden" things.... Are you sure that the awkwardness in the house isn't just from the fact they USED to be something and now you're there? So he's just avoiding your way?
Author bz42 Posted November 4, 2014 Author Posted November 4, 2014 There are no advances because he will never put himself in a situation to blatantly make an advance, because then he knows he will never have a chance with him. Instead, he is slyly looking for any and all ways to break us apart or make alone time with him hoping that she will start liking him more or more than just a friend. He is hoping that she will start to feel the way she used to feel. Obviously, he wouldn't just try to kiss her or anything like that but he is still looking for ways where he will have that opportunity one day. He is being very patient hoping that our relationship comes to an end so he can jump in and lock her down...something he has never been able to do. Now that he sees that we are in a very serious, commited relationship there is no way he can make an advance. He can only do exactly what he is doing, and hope that a favorable outcome for him is what it ultimately brings in the future.
Omei Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 There are no advances because he will never put himself in a situation to blatantly make an advance, because then he knows he will never have a chance with him. Instead, he is slyly looking for any and all ways to break us apart or make alone time with him hoping that she will start liking him more or more than just a friend. He is hoping that she will start to feel the way she used to feel. Obviously, he wouldn't just try to kiss her or anything like that but he is still looking for ways where he will have that opportunity one day. He is being very patient hoping that our relationship comes to an end so he can jump in and lock her down...something he has never been able to do. Now that he sees that we are in a very serious, commited relationship there is no way he can make an advance. He can only do exactly what he is doing, and hope that a favorable outcome for him is what it ultimately brings in the future. Well honestly since there have been no advances I would drop the entire thing and just work on the lease/move out part. Everything is based off your theory (friends hang out alone) and you have no grounds or proof to confront them with it, so drop all that and work on the lease. If he never locked it down before with you out of the picture the guys obvy been perma friend zoned. 1
Thegreatestthing Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 Yes it's highly likely he likes her and despises your existence ,your gf has made out with him before so likely has some attraction to him ,not a great situation to be in - try and move out with your gf soon,simple. It's likely he is waiting patiently for her to break up with you. 1
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