Redhead14 Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 Redhead, she does not feel as though he is pursuing her. Me on the other hand, I strongly believe so. As a guy, I can see what other guys are doing and their intentions. He is good at hiding his real intentions to the point that my girlfriend doesn't see it. I do though, but when I bring it up she doesn't see it from my point of view so she starts defending. She says things like, "He's just socially awkward and weird." She is a really sweet girl and would do anything to avoid confrontation and arguments. She wants everyone to be happy. Thanks Redhead. What else can I do to involve her in this issue? This does not have to be an argument. She only needs to worry about two people being happy - You Guys. That should be her priority. She should at least be able to sit down with him, tell him what it is that is causing you/her to be uncomfortable and tell him to do things differently. Being sweet is not a bad thing, lacking assertiveness is another.
writergal Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 Omei, I am okay with the fact that I am getting the cold shoulder from him. To me, he is irrelevant. The thing that bothers me, is the fact that I feel that he is secretely pining for my girlfriend and maybe even trying to use passive aggressive strategies/tactics to try and break us up so that he can swoop in for the kill. I don't feel that I need to be liked by him, but when this is going on, she usually ends up having a one on one conversation with him. When I am not in the picture, for example if I open the front door and they are talking, sometimes I will feel him ending the conversation with her briefly because of my presence. This only confirms that he likes my girlfriend and like the other day he made some sort of isolation move. It's getting to be cold out now, and he's been talking about how his room is so cold. I came downstairs to my girlfriend saying, "I'll be right back". When I asked where she was going, she said, "He wants me go to his room and see if he is doing something wrong with his windows because it is so cold in there". This is when I felt strange the fact that he needs my girlfriend to go into his room to check whether his windows are all the way closed or not. This to me feels more of an isolation move to try and isolate her with him. I thought about it and I came to the conclusion that as a guy, you don't need my girlfriend's opinion on the relation between your windows and your room being cold. There is another roommate, a friend of this guy who he could have easily asked instead. This is the type of stuff I have to deal with on occasion. One time, it was a bookshelf they needed to pick up from his friend that they needed my girlfriend's car for, which in my opinion was also a passive isolation attempt. He is always looking for random excuses to isolate her with him. From text messages back and forth between the two, he always tries to guilt trip her if he doesn't get this "isolation". My girlfriend is too nice and the guilt trip seems to always work in some way. I hope this makes it easier in examples for you guys to understand what I am going through. Thanks. Your instincts are right that the guy is trying to edge you out so he can be with her. Since she is defending him, she has feelings for him that she's not being honest with you about. You have no way of knowing if those two fool around when you're not with her either. And by all accounts, since they live in the same house, they very well could be behind your back. I don't see this situation ending well for you OP. I think you are caught in the middle of a very awkward triangle. If you don't talk to them both about this at the same time, face to face, things will continue to get worse.
Author bz42 Posted November 4, 2014 Author Posted November 4, 2014 writergal, before she signed the new lease for the 4 bedroom, we were a fairly new couple. We were not nearly as serious as we are now, so I don't think that what you said about that is applicable to this situation. I do believe that what you're saying is true, but I feel as though this guy has very malicious intent in a very passive aggressive manner. One of my very strong suits in life is reading other people's behaviors and their body language. I am able to see though all the bull**** to get down to the real intent. I completely agree that this situation is in fact a ticking time bomb, which is why I come here to the loveshack community for help. This guy has always been on the pedestal, and is just waiting and waiting for her. Making her sign a new 1 year lease makes me feel as if he is almost trapping her in his life for another year. He may be scared that after this 1 year he will never see him again, and as time in the lease is going by his hostility towards me is exponentially growing. He knows that after this lease, she will be with me forever. He is doing everything he possibly can do to keep her close to him. He even got a girlfriend of recent, about 2 months...in which I feel as though he is not even in a real relationship, only trying to fill the void of my girlfriend and maybe trying to make her jealous and feel as though there is no romantic advance towards her. He is very good at manipulating her, and other people for that matter. Me on the other hand, I am a professional poker player and very skilled in finding out the real intents. I see right through him, most other people cannot. He is very careful and calculating when it comes to his tactics or moves. I also hope this helps in the discussion. Again, thank you all so much, you are helping me in ways I cannot describe.
Redhead14 Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 writergal, before she signed the new lease for the 4 bedroom, we were a fairly new couple. We were not nearly as serious as we are now, so I don't think that what you said about that is applicable to this situation. I do believe that what you're saying is true, but I feel as though this guy has very malicious intent in a very passive aggressive manner. One of my very strong suits in life is reading other people's behaviors and their body language. I am able to see though all the bull**** to get down to the real intent. I completely agree that this situation is in fact a ticking time bomb, which is why I come here to the loveshack community for help. This guy has always been on the pedestal, and is just waiting and waiting for her. Making her sign a new 1 year lease makes me feel as if he is almost trapping her in his life for another year. He may be scared that after this 1 year he will never see him again, and as time in the lease is going by his hostility towards me is exponentially growing. He knows that after this lease, she will be with me forever. He is doing everything he possibly can do to keep her close to him. He even got a girlfriend of recent, about 2 months...in which I feel as though he is not even in a real relationship, only trying to fill the void of my girlfriend and maybe trying to make her jealous and feel as though there is no romantic advance towards her. He is very good at manipulating her, and other people for that matter. Me on the other hand, I am a professional poker player and very skilled in finding out the real intents. I see right through him, most other people cannot. He is very careful and calculating when it comes to his tactics or moves. I also hope this helps in the discussion. Again, thank you all so much, you are helping me in ways I cannot describe. Yep, all this helps with the discussion and shows you are making excuses for her-- Either she's got blinders on or she is manipulating you and him. I'm venturing a guess here, that she may be playing you both on some level and/or you are so blinded by her sweetness as to not see it. Either way, my response is the same. Tell her it's got to happen or you're out. Make her get involved and make a choice. 1
Author bz42 Posted November 4, 2014 Author Posted November 4, 2014 also, writergal for the sake of this discussion, I am going to rule out the fact that they are fooling around with each other. I have known this girl my whole life to be the most honest person I have ever met, she could not live with herself if she was doing something like that. I do agree however, that I have thought about that plenty of times and even still it is a possibility. What I feel, is that this guy has wanted to have sex with my girlfriend for a long time now and is angry at me because he feels I just swooped right in and instantaneously had gotten her in bed and in love. Thank you writergal, I want to hear more from you.
Omei Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 It's getting to be cold out now, and he's been talking about how his room is so cold. I came downstairs to my girlfriend saying, "I'll be right back". When I asked where she was going, she said, "He wants me go to his room and see if he is doing something wrong with his windows because it is so cold in there". This is when I felt strange the fact that he needs my girlfriend to go into his room to check whether his windows are all the way closed or not. This to me feels more of an isolation move to try and isolate her with him. I thought about it and I came to the conclusion that as a guy, you don't need my girlfriend's opinion on the relation between your windows and your room being cold. There is another roommate, a friend of this guy who he could have easily asked instead. This is the type of stuff I have to deal with on occasion. One time, it was a bookshelf they needed to pick up from his friend that they needed my girlfriend's car for, which in my opinion was also a passive isolation attempt. He is always looking for random excuses to isolate her with him. From text messages back and forth between the two, he always tries to guilt trip her if he doesn't get this "isolation". My girlfriend is too nice and the guilt trip seems to always work in some way. I hope this makes it easier in examples for you guys to understand what I am going through. Thanks. But they ALL lived in the same house before you ever arrived they were ALL roommates together before you came to be the live in boyfriend they still see her a roommate apart of the house and it wouldn't be unnatural to ask about the windows, it really wouldn't. Anyway you obviously feel this man is truly pining for your woman at this point now I feel that having any talk will be futile because you will still be living in the house with him and if his behavior isn't the issue and you're main concern is just him getting your girl I think its passed any talking you think a magical talk will remove all feelings for her? of course not. So now my new suggestion is talking to your gf about getting a sublet for her spot within the house (are you too on the lease now?) and moving out as a couple. If she is unwilling to leave with you and you have all these concerns and shes not willing to even consider the option then naturally the relationship would prob work its way to the end.
writergal Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 writergal, before she signed the new lease for the 4 bedroom, we were a fairly new couple. We were not nearly as serious as we are now, so I don't think that what you said about that is applicable to this situation. I do believe that what you're saying is true, but I feel as though this guy has very malicious intent in a very passive aggressive manner. One of my very strong suits in life is reading other people's behaviors and their body language. I am able to see though all the bull**** to get down to the real intent. I completely agree that this situation is in fact a ticking time bomb, which is why I come here to the loveshack community for help. This guy has always been on the pedestal, and is just waiting and waiting for her. Making her sign a new 1 year lease makes me feel as if he is almost trapping her in his life for another year. He may be scared that after this 1 year he will never see him again, and as time in the lease is going by his hostility towards me is exponentially growing. He knows that after this lease, she will be with me forever. He is doing everything he possibly can do to keep her close to him. He even got a girlfriend of recent, about 2 months...in which I feel as though he is not even in a real relationship, only trying to fill the void of my girlfriend and maybe trying to make her jealous and feel as though there is no romantic advance towards her. He is very good at manipulating her, and other people for that matter. Me on the other hand, I am a professional poker player and very skilled in finding out the real intents. I see right through him, most other people cannot. He is very careful and calculating when it comes to his tactics or moves. I also hope this helps in the discussion. Again, thank you all so much, you are helping me in ways I cannot describe. Everything you've described about his intentions seems spot on to me. Guys definitely get girlfriends as "void fillers" unbeknownst to the girlfriend of course. If you truly feel that is what he's doing, then that is what he is doing. He has to move out or I foresee trouble in paradise for you. All's well that ends well? Sometimes Shakespeare can be wrong...but I hope not in your case OP.
Omei Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 Everything you've described about his intentions seems spot on to me. Guys definitely get girlfriends as "void fillers" unbeknownst to the girlfriend of course. If you truly feel that is what he's doing, then that is what he is doing. He has to move out or I foresee trouble in paradise for you. All's well that ends well? Sometimes Shakespeare can be wrong...but I hope not in your case OP. I am guessing this guys on the lease and the boyfriend is not since he didn't arrive till later they cannot ask him to vacate.
writergal Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 I am guessing this guys on the lease and the boyfriend is not since he didn't arrive till later they cannot ask him to vacate. Most states have rules to protect tenants in situations like the OP's. OP are you on the lease too?
Omei Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 Most states have rules to protect tenants in situations like the OP's. OP are you on the lease too? That's what im wondering in his story so far his gf and her friend made this lease before he ever came to be and he is only staying within her room. If hes not on the lease the guy could actually remove HIM.
writergal Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 That's a good point OMEI. Biz42, I hope this situation works out for you.
Author bz42 Posted November 4, 2014 Author Posted November 4, 2014 I am not on the lease. Also, before it was a 4 bedroom house which only took place about 3 months ago, it was just the two of them sharing a 2 bedroom for 2 years. Writergal, yes this is what is going on and I really want to solve this issue. I feel as if it is already affecting the relationship, and before it is too late I would like to solve the issue. Omei, I see how that could be a possibility about the windows thing. Please trust that it was an isolation attempt to get her alone...even if it was only a few minutes. I mean honestly what guy can't figure out if his windows are closed by himself. As for the moving out thing, I will being it up to my girlfriend tonight. We have talked about moving across the country with her and she seems really excited about it. Action needs to be taken soon, or I see it ending badly.
Author bz42 Posted November 4, 2014 Author Posted November 4, 2014 As soon as my relationship started getting serious, he convinced her into a new lease in a new place where all 4 tenants are on the lease. I am living with her in her room so I officially moved in.
Omei Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 (edited) I am not on the lease. Also, before it was a 4 bedroom house which only took place about 3 months ago, it was just the two of them sharing a 2 bedroom for 2 years. Writergal, yes this is what is going on and I really want to solve this issue. I feel as if it is already affecting the relationship, and before it is too late I would like to solve the issue. Omei, I see how that could be a possibility about the windows thing. Please trust that it was an isolation attempt to get her alone...even if it was only a few minutes. I mean honestly what guy can't figure out if his windows are closed by himself. As for the moving out thing, I will being it up to my girlfriend tonight. We have talked about moving across the country with her and she seems really excited about it. Action needs to be taken soon, or I see it ending badly. Hopefully she will side with you within moving. You are not on the lease and since that is the case I WOULD retract all efforts to dealing with him since he has 100% power to remove you with ZERO notice, so don't confront him at all imo. Just work on getting out as a couple he's not leaving he is on the lease. Since there is 4 people you only need to find 1 person to sublet her spot on the lease, they only need to be signed over to the new tenant once they've been accepted by the rental company its really easy and not set in pure stone like ppl think. Edited November 4, 2014 by Omei
writergal Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 I am not on the lease. Also, before it was a 4 bedroom house which only took place about 3 months ago, it was just the two of them sharing a 2 bedroom for 2 years. Writergal, yes this is what is going on and I really want to solve this issue. I feel as if it is already affecting the relationship, and before it is too late I would like to solve the issue. Omei, I see how that could be a possibility about the windows thing. Please trust that it was an isolation attempt to get her alone...even if it was only a few minutes. I mean honestly what guy can't figure out if his windows are closed by himself. As for the moving out thing, I will being it up to my girlfriend tonight. We have talked about moving across the country with her and she seems really excited about it. Action needs to be taken soon, or I see it ending badly. That whole window bit is such a ruse. I don't even need help figuring out if a storm window is closed so yeah, I agree with you biz42 that this guy is definitely making his moves on your girlfriend, especially knowing that they lived together for 2 years before she met you. Well when you bring up the living situation see how she reacts. Her reaction will tell you exactly how she feels about her relationship with you. Then you will know what action to take.
Author bz42 Posted November 4, 2014 Author Posted November 4, 2014 I feel as the lease starts running out more and more, his attempts to "try and steal her away" will become more calculated and more aggressive. My original plan was to wait out the lease and just take her away, but now that things are escalating, I know that in this situation, time is of the essence. All my attempts of talking with my girlfriend have backfired because no action was ever taken, and I feel as if this guy's strategy is starting to work a little bit. She may not agree with subletting the lease because of obvious pitfalls that come with subleasing. Are there any other ways I can take full control of this situation and neutralize the threat that I am currently living with? Thank you guys again Sooooo much, I have been be lost and you guys are helping me a lot. I appreciate all of your opinions and feedback and hope to see this discussion alive until I figure out the most effective course of action.
Redhead14 Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 I feel as the lease starts running out more and more, his attempts to "try and steal her away" will become more calculated and more aggressive. My original plan was to wait out the lease and just take her away, but now that things are escalating, I know that in this situation, time is of the essence. All my attempts of talking with my girlfriend have backfired because no action was ever taken, and I feel as if this guy's strategy is starting to work a little bit. She may not agree with subletting the lease because of obvious pitfalls that come with subleasing. Are there any other ways I can take full control of this situation and neutralize the threat that I am currently living with? Thank you guys again Sooooo much, I have been be lost and you guys are helping me a lot. I appreciate all of your opinions and feedback and hope to see this discussion alive until I figure out the most effective course of action. Yes, you can shop for a new place, sign the lease, go back and get your girlfriend and her stuff and bring her to your home. Or you can take her with you to find a place. Do it today.
Omei Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 Be very careful how this is all approached now, if she doesn't agree to live with you the relationship will be ending and if there's any fued with this guy this all can cause problems for you serious problems. You have put yourself in a very vulnerable situation moving into a place where you have no legal rights to reside there if this blows on you, you could be moving out tomorrow (not to scare you) but you have zero control I hope you never put yourself in this living situation again always have your name on the rental agreement.
writergal Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 I feel as the lease starts running out more and more, his attempts to "try and steal her away" will become more calculated and more aggressive. My original plan was to wait out the lease and just take her away, but now that things are escalating, I know that in this situation, time is of the essence. All my attempts of talking with my girlfriend have backfired because no action was ever taken, and I feel as if this guy's strategy is starting to work a little bit. She may not agree with subletting the lease because of obvious pitfalls that come with subleasing. Are there any other ways I can take full control of this situation and neutralize the threat that I am currently living with? Thank you guys again Sooooo much, I have been be lost and you guys are helping me a lot. I appreciate all of your opinions and feedback and hope to see this discussion alive until I figure out the most effective course of action. It's very telling about your girlfriend's motives, the fact that she refuses to take your concerns seriously and instead chooses to defend her male friend. That is not a good sign. Her first allegiance should be with you, her boyfriend. After all, she's dating you, not him. Find out what you can about your city's subleasing terms and then bring it up to them both. The only way you can take full control of the situation is to have a plan of action, and be clear with them what your expectations are and what you want from this awkward living arrangement.
Author bz42 Posted November 4, 2014 Author Posted November 4, 2014 Redhead, writergal, and omei...I have added you all as contacts but I don't see a way in which I can pm you. I would like to remain contact with all three of you as you guys seem to be helping me so much. If there is any way we can share contact info, (ie. e-mail, instant messaging, etc.) I would love that. I feel as if this is a situation in which I can not go through alone, and you three seem to have an urgency to help out. I hope that we can communicate some more. Any ideas? I am open to e-mail if you guys are too! Thank so so so much!
writergal Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 Be very careful how this is all approached now, if she doesn't agree to live with you the relationship will be ending and if there's any fued with this guy this all can cause problems for you serious problems. You have put yourself in a very vulnerable situation moving into a place where you have no legal rights to reside there if this blows on you, you could be moving out tomorrow (not to scare you) but you have zero control I hope you never put yourself in this living situation again always have your name on the rental agreement. I agree with you Omei. Bz42, next time put your name on the lease. Bz42 just keep us updated here in your thread. Keep calm and carry on. The more level headed you are going into the discussion about the living arrangements, the more likely for a positive outcome.
Author bz42 Posted November 4, 2014 Author Posted November 4, 2014 Omei, yes that is exactly the situation I am involved in and is exactly the reason why I am taking these necessary precautions to litigate the risk in this happening. I feel as though you are definitely looking out for my best intentions and I appreciate that. I would like to remain in contact with the three of you, (omei, writergal, and redhead). I wish there was a way I could pm you guys but I don't see it. If you know how this can be possible, please let me know. Otherwise, I would hate to lose this discussion between you guys and am looking at outsourcing ways in we can remain in contact. THANK YOU.
Author bz42 Posted November 4, 2014 Author Posted November 4, 2014 Thank you writergal, but the lease was already determined before I moved to the area. If the moving out situation does not work out for whatever reason, is there any other course of action I can take? Other than losing this girl that I love so deeply.
Omei Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 It's very telling about your girlfriend's motives, the fact that she refuses to take your concerns seriously and instead chooses to defend her male friend. That is not a good sign. Her first allegiance should be with you, her boyfriend. After all, she's dating you, not him. Find out what you can about your city's subleasing terms and then bring it up to them both. The only way you can take full control of the situation is to have a plan of action, and be clear with them what your expectations are and what you want from this awkward living arrangement. I cant help but feel a little torn for her tho both guys shes known extremely long and it looks as tho it might come down to picking one or the other. OP if you guys were to move out together I assume you would still be unhappy with her hanging out with this male friend and it is very unlikely she will just give up that friendship unless he takes actions so far (like a kiss) making grounds for you to request them to no longer be friends. Do you trust her enough to always be in contact with this friend? Are you willing to be in a relationship with this male guys always trying to work his way in? CAN YOU EVEN DO THIS? have you asked yourself?
Redhead14 Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 Redhead, writergal, and omei...I have added you all as contacts but I don't see a way in which I can pm you. I would like to remain contact with all three of you as you guys seem to be helping me so much. If there is any way we can share contact info, (ie. e-mail, instant messaging, etc.) I would love that. I feel as if this is a situation in which I can not go through alone, and you three seem to have an urgency to help out. I hope that we can communicate some more. Any ideas? I am open to e-mail if you guys are too! Thank so so so much! BZ42, you can send me a private message through the boards if you'd like. I'd be interested to know how old you are and whether or not you have family nearby. This may really be something you need to go to them for help with. I am speaking to you as a parent here. You may be in a bad position, you understand that, and yet you seem to be having difficulty moving forward with a remedy.
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