bz42 Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 A few months ago, I moved to a different city and moved in with my girlfriend. At the time, she was living in a 2 bedroom apt with her "roommate", which is a guy who also likes her. This guy has been friends with my girlfriend since college, so about 7 years. My girlfriend has told me that they are really close friends. Since the beginning, this guy would try at all costs to avoid any conversation with me or any acknowledgement of the fact that I'm there. This is when I brought it to my girlfriend's attention that I feel tension with this guy even when I did nothing wrong to him. I asked her if they used to hook up or date because that would make sense. She told me they made out a few times after she broke up with her last boyfriend and that he became more flirty. Anyways, I am currently living with her in her room in a 4 bedroom house. He is one of the members of the household. Whenever my girlfriend and I are both around him (ie. the kitchen), he seems to try to phase me out by having a conversation with her and trying really hard to avoid me. This is when I feel like I am not even there. Until recently, he has been very passive-aggressive with me, especially when she is not able to see it. I feel as though he likes my girlfriend and is almost waiting for us to "break up" so he can try to swoop in. He is a very intelligent guy but I can see what he is trying to do. I have spoken to my girlfriend about this, but she doesn't know how she can resolve the issue. She understands what is going on, but she seems to always defend him when I tell her he does these passive-aggressive things to me. I am just wondering how I should try to resolve the issue. I would really just like to get past this issue, and I know there is a lot more I could say but I didn't want to make this super long. I appreciate any feedback, opinions, or questions and thank you all so much for trying to help.
Omei Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 This guy doesn't have to like you and you dont have to like him just because your roomates. Now it seems he has picked not to like you thats unfortunate but you're just gonna have to accept and move on. Its not your gfs job to make sure yall get along if she's not flirting or doing anything to effect your relationship you guys are big boys and can hash whatever problem is between you yourselves, dont put her in the middle.
mammasita Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 Your girlfriend had a male roommate? Hmmmmm, I'm not a fan. Why did she move out of the apartment right into a house with him? If she's serious about your relationship (you guys sound young).....I'd say get a place of your own together (which is probably too soon to be living together anyway) OR she needs to find some women to live with.
Author bz42 Posted November 4, 2014 Author Posted November 4, 2014 Yes, she has had a male roommate. When they were friends in college, they spoke about how she needed to find a new apartment to move into. One day, he suggested that if she was serious that he also needed to find a new place and they moved in together. Their lease was up a few months ago, they renewed it once before but now they have added 2 other roommates to a house that we all live in now. I am 25, she is 24. I have known her since we were both in Kindergarten. We both always had crushes on each other but since we were both in different circles in school, we never got to date. We have gone on movie dates in the past but that used to be like once every 2 years. She moved for college, and until recently I contacted her after having a dream about her and we fell in love since. I wouldn't say she is "flirty" with him, but I know they both used to like each other at a point. I am 100% sure that they never slept together, he has tried once in the past but she said no.
Chemist Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 A few months ago, I moved to a different city and moved in with my girlfriend. At the time, she was living in a 2 bedroom apt with her "roommate", which is a guy who also likes her. This guy has been friends with my girlfriend since college, so about 7 years. My girlfriend has told me that they are really close friends. Since the beginning, this guy would try at all costs to avoid any conversation with me or any acknowledgement of the fact that I'm there. This is when I brought it to my girlfriend's attention that I feel tension with this guy even when I did nothing wrong to him. I asked her if they used to hook up or date because that would make sense. She told me they made out a few times after she broke up with her last boyfriend and that he became more flirty. Anyways, I am currently living with her in her room in a 4 bedroom house. He is one of the members of the household. Whenever my girlfriend and I are both around him (ie. the kitchen), he seems to try to phase me out by having a conversation with her and trying really hard to avoid me. This is when I feel like I am not even there. Until recently, he has been very passive-aggressive with me, especially when she is not able to see it. I feel as though he likes my girlfriend and is almost waiting for us to "break up" so he can try to swoop in. He is a very intelligent guy but I can see what he is trying to do. I have spoken to my girlfriend about this, but she doesn't know how she can resolve the issue. She understands what is going on, but she seems to always defend him when I tell her he does these passive-aggressive things to me. I am just wondering how I should try to resolve the issue. I would really just like to get past this issue, and I know there is a lot more I could say but I didn't want to make this super long. I appreciate any feedback, opinions, or questions and thank you all so much for trying to help. Do not, do not put her in the middle. It will end badly most likely. Also don't make her choose. I would confront this kid. When she isn't around. Ask him to stop being a child and to respect your relationship with his friend. I wouldn't threaten him or anything, but tell him he's acting like a butt hurt little kid.
PogoStick Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 Depends how close you are to the girl and how serious it is. The obvious step is to move out and get your own place. If she cares enough about you then she might talk to the roommate. Ask her to stick up for you. She could sit him down, explain that she really likes you and that if he's her friend he will support her new relationship. Some girls just aren't strong enough to do that. You trying to have a man to man and clear the air would be even more tricky.
Author bz42 Posted November 4, 2014 Author Posted November 4, 2014 Thank you for your reply, and yes the obvious thing would be to move out but she just signed a new lease for a year a few months ago. We are very serious, we talk about the future a lot and everything we want to accomplish together. But, I feel as this guy living her is starting to affect the relationship. Before anything, I'd like to neutralize this situation before it gets out of hand and possibly jeopardize the relationship with my girlfriend. Just a quick note, during halloween my girlfriend had a little party and he was there. I was talking to one of her other guy friend's which I feel no tension between. The conversation of drunk driving came up and I told him that a few times I drove after drinking. Her "roommate" overheard this conversation and immediately said, "OMG, did you molest children too?" He then walked away really quickly and everyone at the party was stunned. This is why I bring this up on the forums now, because I see it getting way out of hand. Thank you all for trying to help.
Fondue Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 First off, I don't know why you agreed to that living situation. Why not just get your own place with her? If she doesn't like that idea, then most likely she favors him over you. How do you feel about that? As far as him in general, I would next time just confront him about it. Next time you're all in the kitchen together and he is shutting you out, bring it to the attention of the table. **** it, just go for it. Don't even hesitate or be a pussy about it, just lay it out in the open. It will be awkward, but he's going to either admit to it, or try to word himself out of the situation. It will also force your girlfriend to CONFRONT the situation instead of just dismissing it as she has been doing all along. Yah, man. Just ****ing do it. Because right now, he's got YOUR girlfriend DEFENDING him. Which means, HE > YOU. Do you really want that? 2
Omei Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 (edited) If she's turned him down already and there is nothing between them but a friendship I dont get how its her job to solve their issue for their awkwardness toward each other its not her problem she's not creating it, op says he believes there's nothing between them so why is it her job to fix how they are around each other? That's something they need to fix themself. there's a chance if she speaks for him to him its just going to create more friction with her becoming the object in the middle. Op I have to ask during the conversations do you try to make friendly at all ? Or is there a chance you just dont put effort to include yourself when he's around and this awkwardness is partial to your own doing ? If she's been friends with this guy for 7 years close friends its unlikely moving out will do anything they will still be friends in your presence you just wont have the same roof on your head so really will moving solve it? I think you should try to befriend him honestly or the relationship between him and her or you and her one of them will win over the other if yall arnt chill with each other. Edited November 4, 2014 by Omei
Author bz42 Posted November 4, 2014 Author Posted November 4, 2014 I have tried to be friendly with him for months. I'm always offering him beers, food, etc...which he gladly accepts. I also feel as though ever since she started dating me, they don't get to see each other as much as they used to. I feel that before she met me, they were like best friends and used to do everything together. In the beginning of our relationship, she even went to the beach with him and spent the night there in his hometown with his family. I trust her, I'm sure nothing happened. She is the sweetest girl and I've known her my entire life. Moving out is difficult, because she just signed a 1 year lease that has about 9 months remaining. We have talked about moving across the country together and she says there is nothing left for her here anymore. He is home now, and I have the opportunity to talk to him about it. Whether I should wait until my girlfriend is here too is something that I am not sure of. She may think negatively about the situation if I kind of force it upon her but it may be better that way. Either way, when we are all in the same area, he starts a conversation with her that I have no business in to try and hold all of her attention. She doesn't want to just ignore him for me because she is too sweet. At the same time, I feel as though he is almost waiting for us to break up because he has had numerous opportunities which have ultimately failed. I do believe my girlfriend has some feelings for him, because she told me that they used to like each other a long time ago. But for the past few years, she has pretty much put him in the "friend zone". But, when it's just us three, she is always trying to make time to hang out or "talk" with him one on one. Honestly, I'd like to confront him about it in the most effective way possible. I do have an opportunity now as I speak but I just want to do it in the best way. I believe that some sort of confrontation is necessary at this point. Thank you all so much for helping me with this very complex situation.
Author bz42 Posted November 4, 2014 Author Posted November 4, 2014 Omei, when she turned him down, she was on her period. I don't think it was because she had no attraction towards him. I'm sure there is a very good chance that it would have happened after that time. She was also very emotionally unstable at the time and this was like 3 or 4 years ago.
Omei Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 Ps as for the party comment sounds like he said that in regard to you drinking and driving and put in another illegal action in as a snide remark to you disregarding responsibility he might of made that comment towards anyone else that may of admitted that at the time.
Redhead14 Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 You need to put your foot down with your girlfriend. This situation is for her to address. If she refuses and continues to defend him, you should move to your own place. If she follows, great. She's the one who has to make this work out of respect for you.
Omei Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 (edited) Omei, when she turned him down, she was on her period. I don't think it was because she had no attraction towards him. I'm sure there is a very good chance that it would have happened after that time. She was also very emotionally unstable at the time and this was like 3 or 4 years ago. That's a long time ago. Hope your chat gos well I really do cuz if yall cant be cool together then it's likely one side will win. You can sublet your lease Edited November 4, 2014 by Omei
Author bz42 Posted November 4, 2014 Author Posted November 4, 2014 Redhead, I have brought it up numerous times and she just doesn't know what to do about it. Honestly, I don't really either.
Redhead14 Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 Redhead, I have brought it up numerous times and she just doesn't know what to do about it. Honestly, I don't really either. She knows what to do. Tell him to play nice in the sandbox or stay out of the way or you two get out.
Omei Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 Redhead, I have brought it up numerous times and she just doesn't know what to do about it. Honestly, I don't really either. Its because she cant make him like you or be more kind towards you that is totally out of her control. I srsly don't get why some ppl think her hashing this out for you is the solve. I really think the only person who's gonna get any results is you guys talking making her owl hoot how you feel about the situation and each other ain't gonna do ****.
Redhead14 Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 (edited) Frankly, if I were her, this situation would have never happened. Before my boyfriend started living there with me, I'd have told that man to respect our space and the both of us as a couple. If he's continuing to "pursue" her, she needs to man up and tell him to back off. He's not doing that because she's being wishy washy with him. She's defending him? She's being wishy washy. Edited November 4, 2014 by Redhead14 2
Author bz42 Posted November 4, 2014 Author Posted November 4, 2014 I agree with everything you guys are saying. I also think that my girlfriend is totally oblivious of the fact that this guy is still pining for her, which is why it is hard to talk to her about it because she doesn't feel it the way I do. As a guy, I know his intentions and I know that if he had the opportunity he would strike. Omei, I completely agree with you. Now I have a few questions for you. 1. Do you think I should talk to this guy one on one? If so, what do I say exactly? 2. Do you think I should talk to this guy once my girlfriend is also present? If so, what exactly am I going for? What am I trying to get out of a confrontation between us one on one or all three? Thanks Omei.
Omei Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 Frankly, if I were her, this situation would have never happened. Before my boyfriend started living there with me, I'd have told that man to respect our space and the both of us as a couple. If he's continuing to "pursue" her, she needs to man up and tell him to back off. He's not doing that because she's being wishy washy with him. from what I've read his pursuits were made years ago and are not current and the op trusts their friendship but doesn't like the cold shoulder he gets from the male (op has yet to tell us current advances) what im saying is she has no control of that if anyone's gonna change her friends mind about being more kind towards him its her bf or he will just have to accept he's unliked, hopefully they can move out together to rid of the living together awkardness.
Author bz42 Posted November 4, 2014 Author Posted November 4, 2014 Redhead, she does not feel as though he is pursuing her. Me on the other hand, I strongly believe so. As a guy, I can see what other guys are doing and their intentions. He is good at hiding his real intentions to the point that my girlfriend doesn't see it. I do though, but when I bring it up she doesn't see it from my point of view so she starts defending. She says things like, "He's just socially awkward and weird." She is a really sweet girl and would do anything to avoid confrontation and arguments. She wants everyone to be happy. Thanks Redhead. What else can I do to involve her in this issue?
Redhead14 Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 I agree with everything you guys are saying. I also think that my girlfriend is totally oblivious of the fact that this guy is still pining for her, which is why it is hard to talk to her about it because she doesn't feel it the way I do. As a guy, I know his intentions and I know that if he had the opportunity he would strike. Omei, I completely agree with you. Now I have a few questions for you. 1. Do you think I should talk to this guy one on one? If so, what do I say exactly? 2. Do you think I should talk to this guy once my girlfriend is also present? If so, what exactly am I going for? What am I trying to get out of a confrontation between us one on one or all three? Thanks Omei. You tell her in no uncertain terms that he is pining for her and she needs to address it or you will move out. This situation is between you and her and her and him. Not all three collectively. If she refuses, there is something else going on here. Draw a line in the sand. What is going to happen down the road when there is something else she needs to address herself? Is she going to expect you to handle all her ****? That is not going to be fun. 1
writergal Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 Redhead, I have brought it up numerous times and she just doesn't know what to do about it. Honestly, I don't really either. She's lying to you when she claims she doesn't know what to do about it. She knows what to do about it but isn't being honest with either you or her friend who has unrequited feelings for her. She wants her cake (that guy) and to eat it to (you the live-in boyfriend). Otherwise she would have chosen to get a 2 bedroom place with just you if she truly saw you two together. But she doesn't or she wouldn't have chosen her current living situation. If she did see you two long-term, she would have put up clear boundaries with her flirty male friend, and explained to him that she'd chosen to live with you, her boyfriend, and given him time to find another place to live. But since she leased a 4 bedroom house for a year that includes her college male friend, she has no respect for you or for the relationship that you two have. Frankly speaking, she's got you and this guy twisted around her fingers and she LOVES the attention (and has terrible boundaries). Your situation is a ticking time bomb. If you remain complacent it will explode into a messy situation where the relationship you have with her ends, and those two end up together, with you possibly homeless. If you don't sit them both down face to face and discuss this now, it's going to be a very long, awkward year for you three living together. 5
Omei Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 I think you should talk as a group all 3. I think you should state you dont like the cold shoulder and ask him if there was something that was bothering him. If you really feel that this guy is pining for her right now and he wants her I wouldnt mention it he is likely to deny it all because if he says yes you would have the right to ask your gf to request that their friendship ends so its very unlikely hed be like "yes I am" In the end if the guys not going to like you hes not going to and there is nothing you can do further. You will then have to decide if you trust your gf enough to be in the relationship while she has a best male friend that may like her but she's with you.
Author bz42 Posted November 4, 2014 Author Posted November 4, 2014 Omei, I am okay with the fact that I am getting the cold shoulder from him. To me, he is irrelevant. The thing that bothers me, is the fact that I feel that he is secretely pining for my girlfriend and maybe even trying to use passive aggressive strategies/tactics to try and break us up so that he can swoop in for the kill. I don't feel that I need to be liked by him, but when this is going on, she usually ends up having a one on one conversation with him. When I am not in the picture, for example if I open the front door and they are talking, sometimes I will feel him ending the conversation with her briefly because of my presence. This only confirms that he likes my girlfriend and like the other day he made some sort of isolation move. It's getting to be cold out now, and he's been talking about how his room is so cold. I came downstairs to my girlfriend saying, "I'll be right back". When I asked where she was going, she said, "He wants me go to his room and see if he is doing something wrong with his windows because it is so cold in there". This is when I felt strange the fact that he needs my girlfriend to go into his room to check whether his windows are all the way closed or not. This to me feels more of an isolation move to try and isolate her with him. I thought about it and I came to the conclusion that as a guy, you don't need my girlfriend's opinion on the relation between your windows and your room being cold. There is another roommate, a friend of this guy who he could have easily asked instead. This is the type of stuff I have to deal with on occasion. One time, it was a bookshelf they needed to pick up from his friend that they needed my girlfriend's car for, which in my opinion was also a passive isolation attempt. He is always looking for random excuses to isolate her with him. From text messages back and forth between the two, he always tries to guilt trip her if he doesn't get this "isolation". My girlfriend is too nice and the guilt trip seems to always work in some way. I hope this makes it easier in examples for you guys to understand what I am going through. Thanks.
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