jelly99 Posted March 14, 2005 Posted March 14, 2005 well... i've been involved in a LDR for quite some time now... met this girl over a year ago while she studied in canada. I fell in love with her (aparently she did too) and we spent 9 months together in toronto. She had to return in sept to finish her school year in the UK. we had big plans for the future however in late october, her dad died and I wasnt able to go and visit her until december (1 week visit). i'm still young at heart (i'm 26 now) and didn't go through anything like this before. i did my best to confort her, however for her it's not enough. so here I am back in the UK (am supposed to stay here for 1 month .. 3 weeks left). we had a talk yesterday and the conclusion was that things happend and think changed. once she's done with uni she (age 22) plans to travel and see the world for a couple of years and i guess my view is to move in together (i wouldve moved to uk) and just try to build something. so now i'm here in the uk for another 3 weeks living with a future xgf. i just cant believe it... i love this girl a lot and would've done a lot of things for her. one thing i can not do tho is take a couple of years break and travel. aparently she loves me too as she was crying her eyes out but she wants to call it quits now on peacuful tems and not let it drag and end in a mess in the future. i guess she is right... it's better to end things now if she doesnt see herself with me in the future... at least if she did.. she would compromise a bit on her traveling and do it in much shorter periods together. what does everyone think?
jnel921 Posted March 14, 2005 Posted March 14, 2005 She is too young to tie herself down to anyone...Let her go and wish her well on her journey...If it was meant for you two to meet up one day then it will happen. She is growing.....She needs to spread her wings.
RecordProducer Posted March 15, 2005 Posted March 15, 2005 I am so sorry to hear that you came to spend four nice weeks and she broke up after 6 days. Things have definitely changed for the two of you. Something similar happened to me. A LDR guy came to visit me for a month and we were supposed to get married. He acted like a total a** and we broke up. I kicked him out of my apartment. A few months later he finds out that I am in love with another one and wants me back. But when I saw him the last time and how he treated me and my family, I just stopped loving him. I guess it never was a passionate love, I just thought he was the right one, because he seemed so cool. I am madly in love with my new boyfriend and am so happy that I broke up with the ex-b/f. I am also happy that my ex-husband left me after a few years. Hadn't he done that, I would've never been so happy right now. What I am saying is - when you lose someone, you never know whether it's good or bad. She wants to travel? Who's stopping her? She can marry you after the few-year vacation. It seems that more than that is involved here. If she is really in love, she will not let herself lose you. I think she's afraid that she will feel stuck with you some day. Perhaps you've made a pressure on her and she doesn't think she will be ready for a marriage right after graduation. So if you don't accept her decision, her only choices in reality are to obey you or break up. The compromise is not a solution. She wants to live everywhere and travel the world, see new things, gain life experience, learn about different cultures, meet lots of interesting people... Maybe she just realized that you're not into it. That you would make her cook and clean and change diapers. So no matter how much she loves you, between an exciting life that she's ever dreamt of and the life you're offering her, she makes her preference. Don't promise her what you can't do for her. If you're not an adventurist like her, she will never be happy with you. It's better to break up now than after a lot of pain. What kind of life can you offer her? Think about it and be honest to yourself (I don't know you, but you know your needs and life style). Love is never enough. People should have similar interests and life goals in order to be happy together. Finally, what you see as a perfect foundation for a good marriage might not seem like that to her. Good luck! It's not the end of the world. Everything will be okay in the long-run.
Author jelly99 Posted March 15, 2005 Author Posted March 15, 2005 hi, thanks for the replies... by all means im not one to keep her tied up. perhaps i gave her the long ideea... i am also love traveling and adventure but for some reason started thinking that i'm old and need to start looking towards the future(get a condo) and pay it off. i guess it's better to take advantage of being young and doing these advetures while young then regreting when older.
JazzyFox Posted March 15, 2005 Posted March 15, 2005 I think the whole issue about travelling and "living it up" are symptoms of a bigger problem. Going through something similar right now as my dad is in icu and I also blamed my ex-bf for not being supportive enough. It was a catalyst, and the beginning of the end. But I might be able to offer you some insight. When you say that you tried to be supportive but that wasn't enough for her, what exactly do you mean, and what exactly did she say?
Author jelly99 Posted March 15, 2005 Author Posted March 15, 2005 hi... first of all sorry to hear about your dad about her .. i sent her flowers and a card right after i hard about it. when talking on the phone, i told her that everything will be ok and that these things happen to all of us, to be strong, that i wish i was there with her. that's about all i could think of. there were a couple of times when she told me that im not compasionate enough to which i apologized and told her that i didnt experience this before and am doing my best to help her out... problem is that she was in england and i was in canada... calling, msn and a couple of e greeting cards were the best i could do.
JazzyFox Posted March 16, 2005 Posted March 16, 2005 Serious illness and death in the family are very hard to deal with ... for family members, and supportive partners or friends. When you say you called, sent cards, and flowers, and yet she complained ... did she give you any specific hints as to what she wanted you to do? Perhaps you could have called a little more often, spent a little bit longer on the phone, or something else? She probably wished you had taken the first flight over, and just held her in your arms for hours ... but is she mature enough to truly understand why you couldn't. And was it really not feasible for you to go to London for a long weekend? Financial difficulties? Did you see any signs leading up to this? Any NC games? Any reticence on her part? On the other hand, she could have just been lashing out in her anger. Now, regardless of the past, we need to focus on the future. Have you truly sat down with her, and while holding your emotions in check, discussed with her if there was anything that could make this work? If so, what was the result? If not, what are you waiting for? Make sure that anything suggestions she brings up are specific, realistic and actionable. I'll wait for a response before I say any more.
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