Jamesa1019 Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 My ex and I broke up in the first week of October. The first week I grilled her asking many questions and got little answers. We had just bought a house together, and had closed on it literally 3 weeks before she said it was over. So the second week after the breakup it set in. I was very confused as everything seemed to be going as planned. Cleaning the house, painting and purchasing items LITERALLY 4 days before the breakup. With the confusion anxiety was chewing my insides up. So like the upset guy I was, I got really down and contacted her twice explaining how messed up our situation was now and that I had put all this work into getting a place for her, her daughter and I. I never blamed her for anything, I never screamed at her. I basically told her how upset I was that I was losing her and her daughter and all of the plans I had been working on over the past 2 months. This was going to be the first time she moved out of her mother's house, and we were totally going to move in and do the family thing like every other normal couple we know. So the third week came. By now I'm moved into the house and celebrating my 31st birthday with my close family in the home. She sent me a birthday text, as did her mother. I texted her mom "thank you" and did not text my ex back. So on Monday after my birthday she texts me while at work, btw we work at the same place. She texts once "how are you?", then "are you ok?". Now mind you I deliberately ignored her text the previous day, and she knew I was at work. Basically she knew I was ok but was just checking in on me. So I finally tell her I can't talk while I'm at work and I would call her on my break. I talked to her for my whole lunch break. I explained how much I love her and her daughter and that this was the biggest decision and best one I thought I ever made. Until this conversation she had shelled up and not spoken to anyone (she lives with her mom and didn't know I replied to her mom's birthday text?) and was very cold and stern with me, but this time she finally broke down and cried hard. I suggested a break would have been better than a breakup towards the end of the conversation and she said she would talk to me later. This is where my question comes in. It's been 15 days of NC. I would like some advice on HOW to contact her, and WHEN I should contact her. I was planning on possibly this Sunday, which would make it 20 days. I know that people say NC is "time for you to move on, get over her/him, never talk to them again, you can never be friends" and other things I disagree with. I have taken time, I've found myself and I find myself happy as I am on my own. I just feel things could be better if we went through with our plans on being together. I still love her, and I honestly feel she got cold feet and made a mistake. I want to give HER a second chance. I just fear that if I prolong the NC she may think I am mad at her and want nothing to do with her. I know she hasn't contacted me because she is scared to because she knows how big the breakup was, how much was at stake and what she walked away from. I honestly feel she thinks she made a snap decision and wants to come back, but she probably feels she has done too much damage to our relationship and to me. And BTW she is in NO hurry to get her down payment back and still has items I purchased at her mother's house that I had asked for her to return. She knows when I work, and her mother still has a set of keys to the house that I asked to be returned and yet she has still not returned my things and the keys. All she has to do is open the garage, throw the items in there and lock the door with the keys inside. If she can't muster up the courage to do it, her mother would do it for her! Why is she not returning my things?
Chi townD Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 The only time you should break NC is when you have lost all romantic feelings for her. That, when you think of her, all you feel is indifferent.
Author Jamesa1019 Posted November 4, 2014 Author Posted November 4, 2014 The only time you should break NC is when you have lost all romantic feelings for her. That, when you think of her, all you feel is indifferent. Whoa. So you're telling me I should only contact her once I have lost all feelings for her and no longer lover her? Why would I even contact her then? I want to sort this out and make it work. I guess I failed to understand the NC rules. I'm healed, I feel at one with myself. I just want to know the real reason for her decision to break things off after such a commitment of a house purchase. And please save the marriage card, a marriage is not anything more than a piece of paper and it can be thrown out just as easily as purchasing a house and planning on a life to live together. I whole heartedly planned on being with this girl for the rest of my life. The timing was not right for a proposal for many reasons, mainly due to our conflicting work schedules and the fact that we find it hard to find time to be with one another. Hence, moving in together was going to give us that opportunity to have more time even if it were just a hug goodnight or a kiss good morning. I apologize if I sound offensive to you, I'm not intending that. I just don't see the need to ever contact her if I am supposed to wait until I no longer desire to be with her. I understand the issue where I may contact her, and get rejected and then I will be at ground zero all over again. But I truly believe we were meant to be, and that she is feeling the same things I am, she's just not a person who shares her thoughts and feelings. She keeps them inside, which is not healthy.
Chi townD Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 Okay, I need a little more clarity. Who broke it off with who?
Author Jamesa1019 Posted November 4, 2014 Author Posted November 4, 2014 I guess what I am getting at here is I took time out of my life to be 100% without her. I am over the fact that I may never be with her again. Sure it will make me a little upset once I see her someday with someone new. My NC plan was to sit back, reevaluate my situation/life, give her and I space and then see how I felt about us. Like I said its been 20 days this coming weekend, and I feel I am ready to reach out to her on some type of level. And regardless one day I am going to have to contact her due to the mortgage situation. I guess I was just looking for some advice on how about to contact her. I'm not going to delete her from my life forever because we broke up. We broke up one time in 2 years. I know there is still something there, and I just wanted some ideas on what I could do or say to her to get her to talk to me and let me know what she thinks about us in the future. That's all.
Author Jamesa1019 Posted November 4, 2014 Author Posted November 4, 2014 Okay, I need a little more clarity. Who broke it off with who? She left me for the reason that I stopped showing my emotions and wasn't there to bring her up when she was down. Mind you, this is the first time she has ever thought about moving out of her mother's house. This was a big step for her, and I must have pushed her too hard. But she had ample opportunity to call it off before purchasing a house with me.
Chi townD Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 Then sorry dude. You're not going to like what I have to say. When a girl makes up her mind about something, then that's it. Not even an act of congress is going to change their minds. Women can be very prideful and just as stubborn as a man. If they think that they made a mistake, they will continue on rather than contact you and admit they've made a mistake. They won't want to admit that they were wrong. You might want to think about maintaining NC so you can heal from this and move on. But, I digress. Hang around and wait for others to respond and get their opinions as well. Don't take my word for it. See what other people think of your situation. 1
April Moon Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 Whoa. So you're telling me I should only contact her once I have lost all feelings for her and no longer lover her? Why would I even contact her then? I want to sort this out and make it work. I guess I failed to understand the NC rules. I'm healed, I feel at one with myself. I just want to know the real reason for her decision to break things off after such a commitment of a house purchase. And please save the marriage card, a marriage is not anything more than a piece of paper and it can be thrown out just as easily as purchasing a house and planning on a life to live together. I whole heartedly planned on being with this girl for the rest of my life. The timing was not right for a proposal for many reasons, mainly due to our conflicting work schedules and the fact that we find it hard to find time to be with one another. Hence, moving in together was going to give us that opportunity to have more time even if it were just a hug goodnight or a kiss good morning. I apologize if I sound offensive to you, I'm not intending that. I just don't see the need to ever contact her if I am supposed to wait until I no longer desire to be with her. I understand the issue where I may contact her, and get rejected and then I will be at ground zero all over again. But I truly believe we were meant to be, and that she is feeling the same things I am, she's just not a person who shares her thoughts and feelings. She keeps them inside, which is not healthy. I hate to be this person but NC for 20 days is nothing. If you were healed and better, you wouldn't need to know why. You still care about her so you want answers. You will never get the answers you are looking for. She broke up with you. If she wants you back, she will come back. If she doesn't, she won't. The more you try "to convince" her of the mistake you think she has mad the more annoyed and determined she will be. Continue with NC and your healing On a seperate note, marriage is different than just living together. The only people who say marriage is just a piece of paper are the people defending why they are not married. I have never heard this from a person who is married. Please don't demean the rights many are fighting so hard to get. Trust me, if it was just a piece a paper, people wouldn't care as much as they do.
Author Jamesa1019 Posted November 4, 2014 Author Posted November 4, 2014 I agree that a marriage lisence isn't just paper. I just have had people say I should have been married before buying a house with someone. I just think that marriage is a bit overrated now-a-days. I'm not against it, but its not like it used to be. There are less benefits now to being married versus not being married, just my personal opinion.
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