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Is it ok to ask him what happened?

Natalia_summer

By Natalia_summer
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losangelena Established Member

losangelena

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No, no, no.

RebelWithoutACause Established Member

RebelWithoutACause

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The biggest red flag was his over-eagerness at the beginning: trying to arrange dates every day, being overly complimentary, etc. People who seem so into you before knowing you either have emotional problems or, as is the case this guy, have a game plan. It's easy for them to act like they really like you because they don't invest any genuine emotions. They are in it for the thrill and the chase, then they move on.

 

When somebody actually likes you they take the time to get to know you, don't try to pressure you into anything and don't rush things because they protect their feelings too.

 

I think the end result with this guy would have been the same regardless of whether you spent the night or not, or anything you did or didn't do afterwards. Once the novelty wore off he would have moved on.

 

BTW I think you did the right thing by reaching out yesterday. Not in a game play-y sense but in order to get your own closure. In general we should not rely on others to grant us closure, but if sending a text msg to some loser helped you getting it so be it.

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veggirl Established Member

veggirl

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Should i ask him how his evening was ? Or do i just leave it now? I do feel like i am chasing now, and no guy likes a girl who chases

 

No!!!! Do not contact him!!! You've asked him out twice and gotten blow offs and no firm reschedule. In fact he didn't even have enough interest to be like "hey looks like plans w/ friends are still on, I'll call ya Sunday to arrange for next week" or something!!

 

He wanted sex, didn't get it and immediately stopped seeing you in person. Do not contact him. No interested guy goes 3wks without seeing the object of his affection.

IronZ Established Member

IronZ

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Have you tried just asking him if he still feels interested anymore? It doesn't sound like he is, but maybe a firm "no" is exactly what you need to hear to move on.

losangelena Established Member

losangelena

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Have you tried just asking him if he still feels interested anymore? It doesn't sound like he is, but maybe a firm "no" is exactly what you need to hear to move on.

 

No. Why? Some people will do almost anything to not have to utter the word "no," as if they're allergic.

 

His actions speak very loudly. He IS saying no. OP needs to accept it and move on.

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Natalia_summer Member

Natalia_summer

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Thank you all for your help!! :D

 

I have accepted he's no longer interested. I can see it was all about sex with him...

 

I just need more experience in dating guys so I can see these signals for myself

 

I am really glad I didn't sleep with him, because I am pretty sure he would have disappeared after he got what he wanted.

 

This is the thing though, how long do you wait before you have sex with someone?

 

I'm in my late twenties and have been in 3 long term relationships since my teens. So this past year is the first time I'm really experiencing singledom

 

It took me a looong time to get over my ex as I thought he was the 'one' and it took me a while to finally accept that he wasn't.

 

So it took me a while to start dating, and meeting new guys. All of my previous relationships just happened, I never had to do the whole 'dating process'

 

The first guy I felt ready to date after my recent ex, I slept with too soon.. on date 4, because I thought he was really into me, and wouldn't be going anywhere. He disappeared after that. It was from that moment that I realised guys will just use you to get what they want, and so I swore I wouldn't sleep with a guy before I knew he wasn't going to go anywhere

 

But I don't even know if thats right! Because if after 3 dates a guy disappears if I don't sleep with him... when is the right amount of time to wait? I wonder if now that I'm older people don't really wait for sex?

 

I just know that I get emotionally attached after sex, and I would be suffering a lot more right now if I had slept with him and he wasn't asking to see me again.

 

Yes its disappointing, but I can just tell myself how disgusting he is and that its his loss and there is someone out there better for me.

 

But for next time, I need to know how to go about this. Its not like I didn't want to sleep with him, believe me I had the urges. But I was just scared of him disappearing and of getting hurt again.

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venusishername Established Member

venusishername

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Trust me from recent experience, there is no need to contact him again.

He knows you are still interested, the balls in his court. I don't know why people can't come straight out and say they're not interested, maybe they lack balls, or they don't want to close the door completely so can revisit later, met someone else they like more, etc.

It's not you or anything you did or didn't do. Look at it this way: you didn't sleep with him. Think of how much worse you would feel if you had.

It's hard to understand how people can seem so genuine and interested and then totally disappear. I think the bottom line is that we confused romantic interest with sexual interest. They don't always go together.

And reading your last post, I just want to say I'm experiencing the same thing with learning how to date again after being in long term relationships. It's trial and error. I think it's important to NEVER be of the mindset that all men are jerks and also just keep trying even though it's tempting to just throw in the towel.

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Natalia_summer Member

Natalia_summer

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Trust me from recent experience, there is no need to contact him again.

He knows you are still interested, the balls in his court. I don't know why people can't come straight out and say they're not interested, maybe they lack balls, or they don't want to close the door completely so can revisit later, met someone else they like more, etc.

It's not you or anything you did or didn't do. Look at it this way: you didn't sleep with him. Think of how much worse you would feel if you had.

It's hard to understand how people can seem so genuine and interested and then totally disappear. I think the bottom line is that we confused romantic interest with sexual interest. They don't always go together.

And reading your last post, I just want to say I'm experiencing the same thing with learning how to date again after being in long term relationships. It's trial and error. I think it's important to NEVER be of the mindset that all men are jerks and also just keep trying even though it's tempting to just throw in the towel.

 

Well after my ex and then the guy who disappeared after sex, I had it in my head all guys were jerks...

 

But then when I met this recent guy, I thought oh he is so different to anyone else... he's so open, honest, and kind.... (He had a really bad accident and ended up in a coma, and when he recovered he told me on our first date that it made him open his eyes about life and made him be more open and honest with girls he dates... errrr as if!!)

 

Now I'm back to thinking guys are jerks again haha! I need to get out of that mindset

losangelena Established Member

losangelena

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Honestly Natalia, I think you need to wait until the time is right for you. Generally, I'd say that men, even well-intentioned ones, will be pushing for it before you're going to feel comfortable. It's up to you to let them know that you want/need more of a commitment from them before you do that, because that is your boundary. Anyone who's not okay with that is not the person for you.

 

Maybe you fear missing out on a good guy by waiting too long. That's a tricky thing, but I do think that any guy who dumps you for NOT sleeping with him at date three is nothing to cry over.

 

You don't have to have a set number of dates. You might meet someone with whom you want to sleep right away. Each scenario is different. I think the important thing is that you wait until you're ready, and you say that to them, so they know you're not stringing them along.

heartshaped Established Member

heartshaped

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This is the thing though, how long do you wait before you have sex with someone?

 

Personally, I wait until I'm exclusive with the person. If I were to sleep with someone early on, it would be because I was only looking for something casual or was okay with it being casual only.

 

In my opinion, if a person is truly interested in you waiting to have sex won't bother them. It's not like waiting until you know a person well enough to be exclusive or make that determination is going to kill anyone.

CarrieT Established Member

CarrieT

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This is the thing though, how long do you wait before you have sex with someone?

 

But I don't even know if thats right! Because if after 3 dates a guy disappears if I don't sleep with him... when is the right amount of time to wait? I wonder if now that I'm older people don't really wait for sex?

Get that "three date" mindset out of your head.

 

Have sex with a guy when you get to a point with him that you can actually discuss the potential of a long-term relationship and exclusivity without feeling like you are dropping the boom or giving an ultimatum.

 

If/When you can discuss these things with no butterflies in your stomach, then the relationship is ready for the next level.

 

It might actually happen after three dates. But it might take three months; every person is different.

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Natalia_summer Member

Natalia_summer

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Maybe you fear missing out on a good guy by waiting too long. That's a tricky thing, but I do think that any guy who dumps you for NOT sleeping with him at date three is nothing to cry over.

 

You don't have to have a set number of dates. You might meet someone with whom you want to sleep right away. Each scenario is different. I think the important thing is that you wait until you're ready, and you say that to them, so they know you're not stringing them along.

 

Yes thats the thing, apart from the whole sex thing, he seemed like the perfect guy for me... really. But then how am I to know that if I had slept with him he would still be here?

I really wanted to, but my fear of him disappearing held me back.

 

But you're probably right, he's obviously not worth thinking about if he can't wait longer than 3 dates.

losangelena Established Member

losangelena

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I understand what you're saying, but I think what needs sussing out is a man's character, right? Yes, if you'd have slept with him and all he wanted was sex, maybe he'd still be around, but chances are other cracks in his armor would have started to show.

 

Conversely, if he was the kind of guy you'd actually want to date, he'd still be around even though you hadn't slept with him on date three. Similarly, if you had slept with him on date three and he was a good guy, he'd most likely be around, too. But for him to disappear after you not sleeping with him by date three, that's not a good guy.

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RebelWithoutACause Established Member

RebelWithoutACause

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This is the thing though, how long do you wait before you have sex with someone?

 

I

 

Until it feels 100% right FOR YOU.

 

Whether it's 5 months or 5 dates or half a date.

Sex is not a bargaining tool. Nor will it (or lack of it) keep a guy around.

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Haerts Established Member

Haerts

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But then how am I to know that if I had slept with him he would still be here?

I really wanted to, but my fear of him disappearing held me back.

 

And is he there now?

 

I'm sorry, but I had to quote this part.

If you really wanted to like you mentioned, then why didn't you do it? I wouldn't be questioning had you said you didn't want it at all, but look at the situation, you were scared he would run away if you guys had sex (even though you wanted to) and guess what? He did anyway! Not to mention you told him you'd contact him and you didn't; maybe he was expecting you to tell him when you were available, but since you didn't, maybe he took it as if you weren't as interested.

 

What I want to tell you with the above is that you should do whatever you think is right for you, being it having sex on the first date or waiting 50 of them for it. The last part especially sounded like you were playing a game with him and that's a turn off imo.

 

It's over though, he's not interested anymore apparently, so just go no contact and live your life. Maybe one day you guys will have another shot, but until that, what's done is done so all you can do is learn from it and move on.

veggirl Established Member

veggirl

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If you'd slept w/ him he'd still be around, but just to get more sex. Meanwhile you'd be getting more and more attached. if he was interested in a relationship, not having sex on date three wouldn't have turned him off. He just wanted a hook up, thank goodness you didn't give it to him or in 3 months you'd be here like why won't he commit so on and so forth.

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Ruby Slippers Established Member

Ruby Slippers

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I think it's always a good idea to wait a bit before having sex. If it's a good match, you will have sex eventually, and the anticipation can be very enjoyable. If it's not, having sex is very likely to evoke feelings of attachment, yielding pain when you realize rationally it's not a good match.

 

I usually wait at least 1-2 months before having sex. I've deviated from that a couple of times, and what it tends to do is throw you into an insta-relationship, before you've had time to intellectually evaluate whether a relationship with this person is even a good idea. The sex and bonding hormones cloud your thinking.

 

One of the hard parts of being a woman is that we are expected to be the ones to show restraint. So even if you're burning to have sex with a guy on date 3, if you want to be smart and protect your heart, you're going to have to be the effective gate-keeper.

 

A lot of men will jump through many hoops to get sex, but it seems that most of them hold in higher esteem and respect the women who make them prove their seriousness and commitment before having sex.

 

So if you're looking for love and something real, I think it's better for everyone to take your time getting to know the person before getting naked.

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WomenWubber Established Member

WomenWubber

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@Natalia_summer

 

Apparently you dodged a bullet this time.

 

That guy sounds awfully similar to someone I know. He beds more women in a month than the average guy will in his entire life. That chemistry and attraction you talk about was all his game. He doesn't really give a **** if he gets to shag them or not, because it's all a game to him. If he doesn't get some with you, he will get it somewhere else.

 

The good thing is his game only works on immature women, who become overwelmed in the infatuation phase. The women who know any better reject his advances. But like I just said, he doesn't really give a ****.

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