BluEyeL Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 (edited) IMO, from the outside, this guy was trying to fast forward to sex. Clearly, with trying to arrange dates every day, insisting that you stay the night, compliments heavily on looks/body etc. Y ou did send him mixed signals by staying the night and not putting out, then he was still hoping you'll sleep with him next evening. When, on top of everything else, you didn't come through the following night, he decided you're too much work, got annoyed and dropped you. Probably moved on to laying it thick for someone else. I don't think he's a good long term relationship material. Even if, say, he agrees for you to meet, I think it's going to be in an attempt to sleep with you, right away, taking advantage of the fact that you might be feeling guilty/thinking it was your fault and chasing him, which will give him the upper hand. You may sleep with him so the situation with him ghosting you doesn't repeat. And he will surely dissappear after!!! Always always always have dates in a public place until you are ready to have sex. Never go out with men daily and beware of those who come too strong like that. Usually they're after sex. It is "your fault", nevertheless, I don't think this would have worked out anyway, no matter what you did. If I were you, I'd be happy that he didn't get what he was after and would move on. Something of sorts happened to me with the first man I ever dated after my divorce. Long story short, at the third date, he suggested we meet for coffee at one of our houses, he said "i promise no sex". I said too, no sex. It was during the day, coffee supposedly. He nevertheless tried to have sex and when I of course wouldn't have sex, he got annoyed and I never heard from him again. That's when I learned that no matter what's said, you never go to each other's houses unless you want to have sex. I also learned that men who are out for sex, are out for sex and there is nothing you can do other than defend yourself and stay away from them, keep searching for that relationship material man. They are out there, but are gold nuggets burried in mountains of pebbles. So leave this alone. Edited November 4, 2014 by BluEyeL 3
johnson_j Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 But isn't it a bit random if I ask him out, when we haven't spoken in 2 weeks, and haven't seen eachother in 3 weeks. And he kind of left me hanging in our last conversation? Yes it is. But if you want to make anything happen, do it now. Just be prepared for no response or a negative one if he was trying to "fast forward to sex". If he actually liked you, he should respond positively. Doesn't seem like you have much to lose here.
Author Natalia_summer Posted November 4, 2014 Author Posted November 4, 2014 Yes it is. But if you want to make anything happen, do it now. Just be prepared for no response or a negative one if he was trying to "fast forward to sex". If he actually liked you, he should respond positively. Doesn't seem like you have much to lose here. How do you suggest I go about doing it? Not saying I will, but just curious as to what you think
johnson_j Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 How do you suggest I go about doing it? Not saying I will, but just curious as to what you think Probably best via phone, but if txt was your primary method of communication, a simple "Hey X, I want to invite you over this Saturday for dinner - my treat". Anyone who wouldn't reply to (either way) isn't worth pursuing.
Author Natalia_summer Posted November 4, 2014 Author Posted November 4, 2014 Probably best via phone, but if txt was your primary method of communication, a simple "Hey X, I want to invite you over this Saturday for dinner - my treat". Anyone who wouldn't reply to (either way) isn't worth pursuing. But wouldn't I mention that its been a while, or that I haven't heard from him in a while?
Redhead14 Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 How do you suggest I go about doing it? Not saying I will, but just curious as to what you think Look, there is never anything wrong with having an honest, open conversation with anyone. The bottomline is to be prepared for whatever response you get and if it's not the response you are hoping for, being able to handle it with graciousness, respect and dignity. This is the key to closing the chapter, if that is the way it's going to go. 1
johnson_j Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 But wouldn't I mention that its been a while, or that I haven't heard from him in a while? No. If he felt slighted, maybe he is past It now. Bringing that back up won't work in your favor. Start fresh, either this is the beginning or the end. 1
Author Natalia_summer Posted November 4, 2014 Author Posted November 4, 2014 Look, there is never anything wrong with having an honest, open conversation with anyone. The bottomline is to be prepared for whatever response you get and if it's not the response you are hoping for, being able to handle it with graciousness, respect and dignity. This is the key to closing the chapter, if that is the way it's going to go. And by open do you mean by asking him what happened, or just randomly asking him out this week? I'm going to think tonght about whether to reach out or not, and if I do I need to decide which is the best option. If he ignores my contact, or if he says hes busy again then I will accept he is just not interested and forget him
Redhead14 Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 And by open do you mean by asking him what happened, or just randomly asking him out this week? I'm going to think tonght about whether to reach out or not, and if I do I need to decide which is the best option. If he ignores my contact, or if he says hes busy again then I will accept he is just not interested and forget him I wouldn't ask what happened. I would just say "I know we had an odd start, but I really like you and would like to try again at seeing each other". Let him take it from there. 1
d0nnivain Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 If you want to see him again & you can't resist contacting him, its OK to call him & ask him on a date. Do not say one word or even hint about "what happened?", "where'd you go?" "are we OK?" etc. Clearly there was something off but if you are back now do not psycho analyze it or rehash it. Most people don't have the words to discuss these hiccup / mis-steps & forcing them into such a conversation only creates awkward situations that ruin any possibility to move forward. If he flakes or bails again, give up hope & move on. You haven't been together long enough to talk this to death. You aren't trying to save a marriage here. 2
Author Natalia_summer Posted November 4, 2014 Author Posted November 4, 2014 So where Redhead said to say ' I know we had an odd start', should I not say that because that is hinting about what happened? Redhead said to say I want to see him again, but to let him lead. Or do I just straight out say I liked him and want to see him again?
preraph Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 Anytime a man comments on how hot your body is that early, they're all about sex. He got tired of waiting. He felt he'd done everything he could do and had no idea what it was going to take for you to sleep with him and moved on. If he'd been looking for someone to marry, then maybe your holding out would have impressed him, but probably not the getting wasted and sleeping in his bed part. I'm not saying that's fair, but a whole lot of guys are still double-standard in that respect. If they're just after sex, they want it asap. If they're after more and you offer sex asap, then they downgrade you (if they're that way -- fortunately not all guys are still living in Victorian times). 2
johnson_j Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 Hey beautiful, you are overthinking this. Just ask one way or the other, and move on one way or the other. If you act nervous, he will sense it. Just because he says you're beautiful quickly means he's attracted to you. What's the point of relationships if sex (the physical part) isn't involved? Just have one relationship that is "sexless" and you'll understand why I say that.
Redhead14 Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 So where Redhead said to say ' I know we had an odd start', should I not say that because that is hinting about what happened? Redhead said to say I want to see him again, but to let him lead. Or do I just straight out say I liked him and want to see him again? No, it's not about hinting. He knows you know things got a little weird. Just don't get into any details. And, by saying what I'm recommending, you are telling him you want to see him again. But, really, I am giving you advice on how to handle a situation best left unhandled. There is no right way to handle something that's wrong in the first place.
d0nnivain Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 So where Redhead said to say ' I know we had an odd start', should I not say that because that is hinting about what happened? Redhead said to say I want to see him again, but to let him lead. Or do I just straight out say I liked him and want to see him again? IMO you say none of those things. You call him & say Hey I was thinking about going to see [pick a movie] on Saturday. Do you wanna join me, my treat? If movies aren't your thing, pick a different activity but have a plan & be prepared to pay for the whole date. The only choice he gets to make is are you meeting there or is somebody picking the other one up. Do not get in a situation where you have to sleep at his place unless you want sex. Do not say Do you wanna hang out because he might misinterpret that as sex. Absolutely do not mention that you like him. Let him lead on any declarations or discussions about your relationship. Since most men would rather have their teeth pulled without Novocaine you probably won't being getting a verbal resolution any time soon. If you need that & press for it, I promise you are going to get some version of "I like you but don't want to be in a relationship now" or "I don't think we're compatible" or "work has been really busy" or "you deserve better than me." all of those things mean the same thing -- he doesn't want to date you. 1
Author Natalia_summer Posted November 4, 2014 Author Posted November 4, 2014 I just think I will look like a mad woman randomly asking him out after all this time... and if there was any interest remaining it may put him off that I'm chasing after him.. I may be overthinking this, but I feel extremely uncomfortable asking him out I guess I have nothing to lose, except won't I look totally desperate?
Redhead14 Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 I just think I will look like a mad woman randomly asking him out after all this time... and if there was any interest remaining it may put him off that I'm chasing after him.. I may be overthinking this, but I feel extremely uncomfortable asking him out I guess I have nothing to lose, except won't I look totally desperate? Yes, you will look totally desperate and especially if he was just looking for sex and he has decided you figured that out. My guess would be that if you did this and that was the case, he'd be thinking that you decided you'd rather have sex than look for someone who is really interested in you for the reasons you want.
johnson_j Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 I just think I will look like a mad woman randomly asking him out after all this time... and if there was any interest remaining it may put him off that I'm chasing after him.. I may be overthinking this, but I feel extremely uncomfortable asking him out I guess I have nothing to lose, except won't I look totally desperate? For all we know, he already thinks you were playing games and leading him on. Who cares if he thinks you are desperate. Either ask or don't ask, and report back your decision and/or response.
Author Natalia_summer Posted November 4, 2014 Author Posted November 4, 2014 Yes, you will look totally desperate and especially if he was just looking for sex and he has decided you figured that out. My guess would be that if you did this and that was the case, he'd be thinking that you decided you'd rather have sex than look for someone who is really interested in you for the reasons you want. OK I'm not doing it, I don't want to look desperate!! He won't say yes to meeting up with someone who is desperate! 1
venusishername Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 How do you suggest I go about doing it? Not saying I will, but just curious as to what you think Natalia, I can definitely relate to what you are going through. I went through something very similar over the past few months and now I've kind of felt the same way you have about 'maybe he thinks I'm not interested' or I should've initiated something, now it's left hanging, and when we see each other it's been confusing to me. Very strong sexual attraction, had a good time and good conversation, he was affectionate and seemed into me, etc. Only difference is on the third date, I went home with him when I wasn't ready to have sex and I ended up giving in when I should've done what you did. I have regrets. At least you stuck to your guns. However, as to your situation, I don't think you should worry so much about appearing 'desperate' or coming across as 'chasing'. In my opinion, who cares what people think about you in the end? It doesn't matter that it's been a few weeks. I think this particular guy did like you but he was hoping you'd be a little 'easier'. I think that's what happened to me too, and it's nothing we did wrong! If a man's not able or willing to put in extra effort, and would rather focus on 'easier' options, he's really not worth our time anyway. I think it's ok for you to reach out to him and suggest something concrete. I made a half-assed suggestion to get together again with the guy and he agreed and definitely seemed interested but nothing ever came of it. Since you do like him, I'd make sure he knows you're still interested, without mentioning the time passing. Just start fresh. What I did (after two weeks had passed in my situation) is say, 'I'm back from my vacation. We should get a drink sometime, I had a good time with you.' Hope that helps. Go for it. What I would do differently is ask if he's free this weekend. I hope something concrete comes out of it for you. 1
heartshaped Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 Personally, I think too much time has passed to call him up and ask him out. I also think before when he said he was busy and he did the fade on you that was his way of ending things. Even if he agrees to go out with you, I would bet he flakes. But more likely than not you probably won't get a response at all. 1
Redhead14 Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 OK I'm not doing it, I don't want to look desperate!! He won't say yes to meeting up with someone who is desperate! And, keep this in mind, if he picks it back up with you after this much time, he might be desperate too! 1
losangelena Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 Don't let the possibility of looking desperate put you off. Like another poster already said, who cares? If he likes you, he will not think you're desperate. If he's not interested, he won't think much of it either way. If you WANT to see him again, then ask to see him again, simple as. If he agrees, you'll be able to tell pretty quickly what he's keen to do. If he thinks it's another chance to have sex, he will try for that. My instinct is that that's what will probably happen. I've experienced that twice where some guy I dated several times had a drop in interest. In a hail mary attempt to salvage things, I initiated after a few days of no contact in both cases, and in both cases I saw the guys one more time and then never again. 1
Mrin Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 OK I'm not doing it, I don't want to look desperate!! He won't say yes to meeting up with someone who is desperate! He won't say yes to meeting up with someone who doesn't ask. Whether the guy was in it for the sex or not - I'm not going to address that because honestly, you're the only one who can speak to that with any sort of accuracy. But honestly, if I were him and I weren't in it for the sex, I would have construed your behaviors as mixed signals or a tease - and done exactly what he did which was walk away. I actually was in a situation like this and that was exactly what i did - walked away. Dude isn't going to come back unless it is just for a booty call and his reliable ones are no go's... So it is up to you if you want to do anything about this. Honestly, a call and a date proposal wouldn't make you look desperate - it would make you look interested. Best of luck! 1
d0nnivain Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 Calling with a specific plan is coming at him from a position of strength. It's not desperate. Asking him what happened, where you stand or worse telling him that you like him are all desperate pathetic behaviors. You will be fine as long as you stick to a script: do you want to do X on Saturday, my treat?
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