Is it ok to ask him what happened?

[Natalia_summer]

I went on 3 dates with a guy who met online and who I grew to really like…all 3 dates lasted about 6-7 hours, we had lots of fun, got on really well. Were attracted to one another, said how much we enjoyed eachothers company.. Had chemistry, sexual and intellectual.. And had a lot in common

 

I am really fussy when it comes to men and he’s basically my ideal man. He initiated all 3 dates and initiated most contact. I was always really responsive and friendly in his contact and always said yes to his dates. He tried to make plans every day but on days I was busy I gave him another day he could do.

 

Disclaimer- on our last date I stayed over his house as it was too late for me to get home. I told him before I was staying that I was not going to sleep with him, I think he took mild offence to this but asked me to stay anyway. When I stayed over he was very affectionate, kept asking if I was ok, was very sweet and hospitable… But there were times when kissing got heavy and I think he was trying it on, but I had to stop him and I was slightly bothered he wasn't respecting my desire to not do anything. But I figured he's a man, he has his urges..

When I left his in the morning he didn't want me to leave, so we made plans to meet that evening as I had plans during the day.

I may have screwed up here because I was slightly annoyed he was trying it on during the night so I didn't let him know when I was done with my plans and went home. I hoped he would be the one to reach out and ask to see me but he didnt contact til late in the evening asking how my day was and I told him it was good but I was really tired and so went home.

 

Anyway a few days after I noticed his contact slowed down and he didn't initiate any dates. I reached out a couple of times and every time he was really friendly and responsive but I hinted about meeting and he stated he was really busy

 

That was 2 weeks ago and heard nothing since

 

Should I tell him I was looking forward to seeing him again, and ask what happened as I'm confused as I thought we were enjoying eachothers company?

 

 

I don't know if I screwed up here by being too guarded, or maybe he was only after sex.

 

BUT… He seemed really into me… Told me I was beautiful numerous of times, said I had an amazing body… Kissed me after the first date, was very affectionate, would hug me, put his arm around me. During dinner he would look into my eyes, hold my hand across the table… Look at other couples and note how they wouldn't be talking or having fun like we were.

He mentioned him and my dad would have a lot in common and we had our own private jokes even after the first date. When I spend the night he was hugging me and kissing me throughout the night, even when he thought I was asleep. And when I left he hugged me and told me not to leave

 

Oh and its been 3 weeks since our last date

 

I have been chatting to and going on dates with other guys as I have not heard from him, but no one even remotely compares. I know its insane having only known him a month… But I felt a connection and chemistry and attraction, and thats so rare for me!

Edited November 4, 2014 by Natalia_summer

[dclan]

Just a question: you said you guys had sexual chemistry, which would imply you guys had sex before.

 

So why wouldn't you sleep with him?

 

a) If you guys had sex before that night, and you stayed over without sleeping with him, he may have thought sex wasn't good for you, and thats why you didn't want to sleep with him.

 

b) If you guys didn't have sex before that night, then your statement about sexual chemistry is wrong, he may have thought he was going nowhere with you, and decided to end thiings.

[Emilia]

Guys' talk means very little. Saying that you are beautiful and have a nice body is all about sex. I think you have your answer in your original post, OP.

[Natalia_summer]

Just a question: you said you guys had sexual chemistry, which would imply you guys had sex before.

 

So why wouldn't you sleep with him?

 

a) If you guys had sex before that night, and you stayed over without sleeping with him, he may have thought sex wasn't good for you, and thats why you didn't want to sleep with him.

 

b) If you guys didn't have sex before that night, then your statement about sexual chemistry is wrong, he may have thought he was going nowhere with you, and decided to end thiings.

 

It takes me more than 3 dates to have sex with a guy... I don't have sex with a guy unless I know its going somewhere, I don't want to sleep with a guy for him just to disappear on me!

 

All we had done was kiss, but very passionately... and I could feel the chemistry. I don't need to have sex with someone to know whether I have chemistry or not with them

[Redhead14]

I went on 3 dates with a guy who met online and who I grew to really like…all 3 dates lasted about 6-7 hours, we had lots of fun, got on really well. Were attracted to one another, said how much we enjoyed eachothers company.. Had chemistry, sexual and intellectual.. And had a lot in common

 

I am really fussy when it comes to men and he’s basically my ideal man. He initiated all 3 dates and initiated most contact. I was always really responsive and friendly in his contact and always said yes to his dates. He tried to make plans every day but on days I was busy I gave him another day he could do.

 

Disclaimer- on our last date I stayed over his house as it was too late for me to get home. I told him before I was staying that I was not going to sleep with him, I think he took mild offence to this but asked me to stay anyway. When I stayed over he was very affectionate, kept asking if I was ok, was very sweet and hospitable… But there were times when kissing got heavy and I think he was trying it on, but I had to stop him and I was slightly bothered he wasn't respecting my desire to not do anything. But I figured he's a man, he has his urges..

When I left his in the morning he didn't want me to leave, so we made plans to meet that evening as I had plans during the day.

I may have screwed up here because I was slightly annoyed he was trying it on during the night so I didn't let him know when I was done with my plans and went home. I hoped he would be the one to reach out and ask to see me but he didnt contact til late in the evening asking how my day was and I told him it was good but I was really tired and so went home.

 

Anyway a few days after I noticed his contact slowed down and he didn't initiate any dates. I reached out a couple of times and every time he was really friendly and responsive but I hinted about meeting and he stated he was really busy

 

That was 2 weeks ago and heard nothing since

 

Should I tell him I was looking forward to seeing him again, and ask what happened as I'm confused as I thought we were enjoying eachothers company?

 

 

I don't know if I screwed up here by being too guarded, or maybe he was only after sex.

 

BUT… He seemed really into me… Told me I was beautiful numerous of times, said I had an amazing body… Kissed me after the first date, was very affectionate, would hug me, put his arm around me. During dinner he would look into my eyes, hold my hand across the table… Look at other couples and note how they wouldn't be talking or having fun like we were.

He mentioned him and my dad would have a lot in common and we had our own private jokes even after the first date. When I spend the night he was hugging me and kissing me throughout the night, even when he thought I was asleep. And when I left he hugged me and told me not to leave

 

Oh and its been 3 weeks since our last date

 

I have been chatting to and going on dates with other guys as I have not heard from him, but no one even remotely compares. I know its insane having only known him a month… But I felt a connection and chemistry and attraction, and thats so rare for me!

 

It was only three dates. You enjoyed your time with him and liked him. That's great. However, you also spent the night at his house. Don't spend the night at a man's house after three dates, that's a big signal for a man. Who cares how late it is, go home if you're not going to sleep with him. That's teasing. Even a really kind respectful man will be hoping for more.

 

Now, it was only three dates. You have no idea what this man is really about. Yes, it could have just been about sex. You'll never really know now.

 

It's been three weeks since your last date, it's likely he's moved on. Don't chase him. Let it go. If he contacts you again, gauge it from there. Your interest will have likely cooled off anyway. If not, give it a chance. Start over from the beginning.

[Eternal Sunshine]

It's hard to tell guy's real interest level. I was also puzzled by some guys that vanished for no reason, some seemed very keen, even going to great lengths to pursue me beforehand for months. No idea why.

 

I wouldn't ask him, he will likely lie and you will feel down for losing your self respect. Stay strong and don't look back.

[ExpatInItaly]

He might have assumed you weren't as interested either when you didn't let him know your plans that day were finished. When you did respond, you kind of blew him off too. He may have taken that as a sign you weren't as into it at that point.

 

I understand you being annoyed at his insistence to go further physically, though. It sounds like he wanted more than you're comfortable with and cooled when he discovered he wasn't going to get it. As everyone else has said, you don't really know him or his intention after just 3 dates. I wouldn't bother asking him what happened. I think it's already pretty clear. You did the right thing sticking to your guns.

[losangelena]

Of course you can ask. I doubt he'll answer or that if he does his answer will be very satisfying, though.

 

I've come to feel that when this happens, it's got very little to do with me or what "I did." It's usually the issues of the other person, or, if I did do something "wrong" or upsetting to them and they're not willing to tell me or talk about it, then they're not the one for me anyway.

 

It's hard. That kind of chemistry is very enticing, but can be very misleading.

[johnson_j]

From my reading, he thinks you're not interested:

-You stay at his house but don't want to have sex AND you don't contact him when you say you will, and when he contacts you "you're tired and going home".

 

 

If a girl did that to me, I'd lose interest quickly too.

 

 

You can probably recover this but only by contacting HIM and inviting him over for dinner. Make him something. It doesn't have to lead to sex. But if YOU don't take the lead here, you will never know.

[Andy_K]

The thing is... Whilst for you it might have been rare to feel this sort of chemistry and connection with someone, there's every chance that most girls he dates feel exactly the same way you did. Your feelings may not be anything unique to him.

 

A guy cannot be that good with one women without being very good with others too. So he's used to getting sex fairly easily, and when it becomes clear you're not 'that kind of girl' he sees no reason to pursue you further instead of focusing on other girls.

 

You did nothing wrong except assume he shared your feelings, and mistake his sexual interest for romantic interest.

[d0nnivain]

What happened was he concluded that you two were on different pages sexually & that it was too much trouble / work to bed you so he moved on. The fact that he still talks to you shows he is polite but it also indicates that he is not going to ask for a 4th date. Sorry.

 

Do not call him & ask him what happened because there is no nice way for him to explain the above to you. The best you're gonna get from him is "we're not compatible"

 

To understand more about what happened, read a pop psychology book called He's Just Not that Into You.

 

Then realize it's over & move forward.

 

Next time, don't climb into bed with a new man if you aren't ready for sex. It sends mixed messages & paints you as a tease. You can kiss & cuddle on a couch but save the bedroom for when you are ready for sex.

 

N.B. I am not saying that you should have had sex on the 3rd date; I am saying that if you weren't ready to have sex you should have gone home, slept on the couch or on the floor but stayed out of his bed.

[Mrin]

From my reading, he thinks you're not interested:

-You stay at his house but don't want to have sex AND you don't contact him when you say you will, and when he contacts you "you're tired and going home".

 

 

If a girl did that to me, I'd lose interest quickly too.

 

 

You can probably recover this but only by contacting HIM and inviting him over for dinner. Make him something. It doesn't have to lead to sex. But if YOU don't take the lead here, you will never know.

 

100% this. You sent a bunch of mixed signals. Not sure how interested the guy was initially but you basically swiped the cookie away by 1) spending the night at his place and not wanting to take it further than kissing 2) making plans and then not telling him when you were free and then saying you were tired and staying in. Yep - to me as a guy that is just something I wouldn't be interested in and would just move along. Sorry but you did this to yourself.

 

Only way to salvage is to chase him down for another date.

[Natalia_summer]

100% this. You sent a bunch of mixed signals. Not sure how interested the guy was initially but you basically swiped the cookie away by 1) spending the night at his place and not wanting to take it further than kissing 2) making plans and then not telling him when you were free and then saying you were tired and staying in. Yep - to me as a guy that is just something I wouldn't be interested in and would just move along. Sorry but you did this to yourself.

 

Only way to salvage is to chase him down for another date.

 

Believe me, I really didn't want to spend the night at his. I told him I was going home as I didn't want anything to happen yet. He told me nothing had to happen that we could just watch a movie together, he told me he didn't want the night to end and wanted to spend more time together.

I insisted that I should go home, but he insisted I stay... and by that point it was so late I couldn't get home. Unless I spent a LOT of money on a taxi, which neither of us had.

 

He knew I didn't want to do anything, and I was afraid I would appear a tease... but he insisted I stay, that he was a gentleman and wouldn't make me do anything I didn't want.

 

Like I said in my original post, I did try to reach out a couple of times after I noticed him starting to disappear, and I mentioned meeting but he just said he was busy.

 

So unless I really try to hound him down now, I don't know what to do. Which is why I'm wondering if I should ask what happened, because I wonder if it was my fault and I pushed him away over a misunderstanding. But from everyone's replies it seems thats not the best idea

[Sunfire73]

100% this. You sent a bunch of mixed signals. Not sure how interested the guy was initially but you basically swiped the cookie away by 1) spending the night at his place and not wanting to take it further than kissing 2) making plans and then not telling him when you were free and then saying you were tired and staying in. Yep - to me as a guy that is just something I wouldn't be interested in and would just move along. Sorry but you did this to yourself.

 

Only way to salvage is to chase him down for another date.

 

I'm a woman and agree to this too. If you like him, you can contact him and try to ask him out this time. He took you out 3 times, so it's your turn. Just let him know that you're interested to get to know him better, before you are ready to be intimate.

[Redhead14]

Believe me, I really didn't want to spend the night at his. I told him I was going home as I didn't want anything to happen yet. He told me nothing had to happen that we could just watch a movie together, he told me he didn't want the night to end and wanted to spend more time together.

I insisted that I should go home, but he insisted I stay... and by that point it was so late I couldn't get home. Unless I spent a LOT of money on a taxi, which neither of us had.

 

He knew I didn't want to do anything, and I was afraid I would appear a tease... but he insisted I stay, that he was a gentleman and wouldn't make me do anything I didn't want.

 

Like I said in my original post, I did try to reach out a couple of times after I noticed him starting to disappear, and I mentioned meeting but he just said he was busy.

 

So unless I really try to hound him down now, I don't know what to do. Which is why I'm wondering if I should ask what happened, because I wonder if it was my fault and I pushed him away over a misunderstanding. But from everyone's replies it seems thats not the best idea

 

Do not chase him. It doesn't matter what happened. Do you really want to know the truth? You'd better be able to handle the truth. Sometimes that hurts the most . . .

 

I insisted that I should go home, but he insisted I stay... and by that point it was so late I couldn't get home. Unless I spent a LOT of money on a taxi, which neither of us had.

 

If he picked you up at home, he should drop you off there. If you met him somewhere and took a cab, you should have had enough money for a cab back. This is a poor excuse for allowing yourself to be put in an awkward position with a man you barely know.

[losangelena]

Believe me, I really didn't want to spend the night at his. I told him I was going home as I didn't want anything to happen yet. He told me nothing had to happen that we could just watch a movie together, he told me he didn't want the night to end and wanted to spend more time together.

I insisted that I should go home, but he insisted I stay...

 

I'd focus here. Again, I know what he said—nothing would happen—but him insisting you stay to me a big flag that he was hoping you'd change your mind and sleep with him. I dated a guy earlier this year who kinda did the same thing. He invited me to stay over at his place after our third dinner date, and though he respected my desire to not have sex that night, he did try again in the morning, at which point we did have sex. But "just sleeping over" is pretty uncommon and based on how you describe the way he interacted with you prior, it does seem like that's his angle.

 

Also, listen—women get so hung up on this idea that maybe they did something "wrong." You did nothing wrong and should not feel bad about yourself! You stuck to your guns. If he was truly keen on you, those things, even what some on here are calling signals of disinterest—if a man is truly interested, he will push past those things. If this is all it took for this guy to stop pursuing you, then there's your answer, disappointing as it is.

[johnson_j]

Do not chase him. It doesn't matter what happened. Do you really want to know the truth? You'd better be able to handle the truth. Sometimes that hurts the most . . .

 

I insisted that I should go home, but he insisted I stay... and by that point it was so late I couldn't get home. Unless I spent a LOT of money on a taxi, which neither of us had.

 

If he picked you up at home, he should drop you off there. If you met him somewhere and took a cab, you should have had enough money for a cab back. This is a poor excuse for allowing yourself to be put in an awkward position with a man you barely know.

 

 

There could be a lot lost in this context. It's also weird from a guys POV if a girl is over until 3 AM (or whenever) and suddenly insists on going home, especially if it involves a Taxi late at night. He could simply be worried about her safety. The guy sounds like a decent guy from all the info we have.

 

 

From the sounds of it, he was being forward but not disrespectful in their physical contact. If he was being a jerk and making inappropriate comments then that's a different situation.

[Redhead14]

There could be a lot lost in this context. It's also weird from a guys POV if a girl is over until 3 AM (or whenever) and suddenly insists on going home, especially if it involves a Taxi late at night. He could simply be worried about her safety. The guy sounds like a decent guy from all the info we have.

 

 

From the sounds of it, he was being forward but not disrespectful in their physical contact. If he was being a jerk and making inappropriate comments then that's a different situation.

 

This is a poor excuse for allowing yourself to be put in an awkward position with a man you barely know.

[johnson_j]

This is a poor excuse for allowing yourself to be put in an awkward position with a man you barely know.

 

Is it his fault for asking her to stay the night, or her fault for staying the night? I'm confused.

 

 

She WANTS to talk to this guy again. Whatever he did that night couldn't have been too bad. OP is on here asking "how can I let him know I'm interested in him".

[losangelena]

Is it his fault for asking her to stay the night, or her fault for staying the night? I'm confused.

 

 

She WANTS to talk to this guy again. Whatever he did that night couldn't have been too bad. OP is on here asking "how can I let him know I'm interested in him".

 

He know she's interested—she's reached out several times now but he's pushed her off. Her original question was whether or not it's worth it to contact him and ask what happened/why he lost interest. We're trying to explain perhaps why that is.

[Redhead14]

Is it his fault for asking her to stay the night, or her fault for staying the night? I'm confused.

 

 

She WANTS to talk to this guy again. Whatever he did that night couldn't have been too bad. OP is on here asking "how can I let him know I'm interested in him".

 

It's her fault for putting herself in a position where she felt like she had to spend the night. Bottomline, she wanted to spend the night and sent mixed signals. Not a good move. She is a grown woman, if she wants to get home, she will get home.

 

She can call him and say she's interested, but she should be prepared for him to decline.

[beach]

No don't ask him... It looks desperate and needy. He must have other priorities for now.

[johnson_j]

He know she's interested—she's reached out several times now but he's pushed her off. Her original question was whether or not it's worth it to contact him and ask what happened/why he lost interest. We're trying to explain perhaps why that is.

 

I'm saying from a guy's perspective he may not know she is interested. The only real way to figure it out is to ASK HIM OUT.

 

 

She mentioned suggesting things to do and he says he's "busy". This is not asking him "Do you want to come have dinner at my house?"

 

 

See my earlier post. If a girl did that to me, and then suggested we go out to "movies" or "dinner" presumably where I would be providing, I'd be "busy" too. Not going to waste time/resources on someone with a marginal interest level.

[Natalia_summer]

I'm saying from a guy's perspective he may not know she is interested. The only real way to figure it out is to ASK HIM OUT.

 

 

She mentioned suggesting things to do and he says he's "busy". This is not asking him "Do you want to come have dinner at my house?"

 

 

See my earlier post. If a girl did that to me, and then suggested we go out to "movies" or "dinner" presumably where I would be providing, I'd be "busy" too. Not going to waste time/resources on someone with a marginal interest level.

 

But isn't it a bit random if I ask him out, when we haven't spoken in 2 weeks, and haven't seen eachother in 3 weeks. And he kind of left me hanging in our last conversation?

[Redhead14]

But isn't it a bit random if I ask him out, when we haven't spoken in 2 weeks, and haven't seen eachother in 3 weeks. And he kind of left me hanging in our last conversation?

 

Yes, it is random. Too much time has passed. He left you hanging for a reason.

 

Contacting him now sends an odd message. "Hey, I didn't really like you enough to handle the situation properly, can't find anyone else in the meantime, so now I wanna go back to you".