She says she needs time to think? (Updated)

[SapperGB]

Halo,

 

your story is the exact same as mine, but mine has one further progression. im going to tell you about mine briefly and if you want to see more then you can check out my post here..

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/500468-i-never-listened-warnings

 

Ok i met Emily the same way as your relationship started but a different website.

 

We chatted for a few weeks via text and got on really well when i arranged to meet her. That very first date (23rd August) went awesomely well. It was emily that instigated the holding of hands, it was her that moved for the first kiss. We saw each other a further twice that week and on the third time, in the car she moved things one stage further (not 'fully'). we saw each other another couple of times the week after before i booked a hotel room and she came over for the night. for about a further 3 weeks we saw each other at least twice a week and had weekends away. i sent her flowers often but heres where it went wrong.

 

I fell in love,

 

yes, i know it was early on, but i misread most things. Emily moved the relationship on from one stage to another.

 

I took it to the next level, i told her i loved her.

 

this had the worst effect on the relationship i ever imagined was possible.

I never asked for her to love me back, and as much as said so once i realised that Emily was becoming more distant, texting less often, not replying to my messeges etc. I questioned her over this and her replies were something like "let me miss you a little bit"

 

This distancing only drove me to persue more... even after she told me that she was "struggling a little bit with the i love you texts" (often sent after a drink).

 

she asked me at least 4 times to slow things down and not intensify things, she explained that i couldn't force something to grow.

 

It got to a point where i told her that her non responsive way was hurting and i wanted the old emily back, this was towards the end of last month. she explained that she wanted to be but each time she tried she failed. this was all in text.

 

That same evening she called me, asking if i was ok. I explained i wasnt as i felt she was slipping away. we talked for a long time and arranged to go away the next weekend, this would give us time to talk and for her to open up a little and explain her worries (reads: past baggage).

 

we went away, but never talked. but i felt like she was letting me in, she called her friend when away (her friend had text emily to say she was pregnant) and explained she was away with me and on the way home we even stopped off and i met her brother.

 

Then i did it again, the very next day i had arranged for flowers to be sent to her work with a card saying "thanks for a lovely time - i love you"

 

to cut a long story short, little response again resulted in love you texts sent to her. resulted in her breaking up with me at the end of that week. (1st Nov).

 

Halo, i really feel your pain, i want Emily back more than ever, i now realise i rushed things and i only wish she would give me another chance. we are on minimal contact right now, ive sent just the odd text since, mostly to do with another situation i got into the day after we broke up (read my link for more).

 

Pal, take this chance and grab it by the horns. you havent been given the elbow for sure. i know how you feel but DO NOT wade in with both feet saying you miss her right away, please try not to seem desperate -i did and its too late for me to put right now.

Edited November 6, 2014 by SapperGB

[X14Halo]

SapperGB - Thank you for sharing your story and I'm sorry for your pain. Everybody I have been talking to has been telling me the same thing, to give her space and let her miss me. I have always been saying I miss you and I can't wait to see you again. She never responded with the same kinds of things so I would freak out and do what you mentioned (although I have never said I love you.)

 

But having this little break for a few days has cleared my mind and has really showed me what I have been doing wrong. I always was blaming her in my mind, and getting so angry, but now I realize part of it was me being too pushy recently. I will take this as a huge learning experience and hope for the best. If it is meant to be then it's meant to be, and she will come back to me. Hopefully you learned from your experience as well.

Edited November 6, 2014 by X14Halo

[X14Halo]

I just wanted to share with you all some really great advice I just got from a good friends girlfriend. I told her my whole situation and this is what she had to say.

She basically told me not to contact xxxx, and that if things continue, i need to stop spoiling her so much because she is getting everything handed to her on a silver platter and not having to work for anything, so she isnt invested. This is the reason people buy plants and pets. They treat them well, and get nothing in return, but they feel attached because they have invested time and energy into it. Same with peoples hobbies. People fall in love with them when they put in effort. Also, i need to treat these early stages like an interview and see if she is really good enough for ME...it's not all about her and what she wants. I need to just go out and enjoy life and show her that i have a life outside of her. Also that i need to keep my cards close to my chest, and mystery is what drives someones passion. I should not so easily spill my feelings. All very true and stuff i didn't think about.

This advice has helped me work through this, and I feel 1000% better about everything now, even if it doesn't work out. Hopefully this advice can help some of you too.

[X14Halo]

Yea, it's really hard to realize you are in that mindset until it is too late. Having a break for these past few days has made me feel exponentially better every single day. I now have the attitude, "f-uck her...if she doesn't come back then she is a fool because she will not find a better man."

I am now questioning what it is that I want from a relationship. I still can't answer it fully...I guess I will know when I find it. Just taking things one day at a time until then and learning about my approach to things in the process.

[johnson_j]

Yea, it's really hard to realize you are in that mindset until it is too late. Having a break for these past few days has made me feel exponentially better every single day. I now have the attitude, "f-uck her...if she doesn't come back then she is a fool because she will not find a better man."

I am now questioning what it is that I want from a relationship. I still can't answer it fully...I guess I will know when I find it. Just taking things one day at a time until then and learning about my approach to things in the process.

 

 

 

Good to hear it you're on the right path. You know whats funny, I one time told a girl "If you like him more, then go". Amazing what kind of response that gets. Just go with the flow and take all the time you need to enjoy life and do NOT put women on a pedestal.

[X14Halo]

Well, she called tonight and wants to come over. It's been a week since we last saw each other, and 4 days since last text. I am very much looking forward to hear what she has to say. I don't even know what to say. I've been thinking of so much stuff over the past few days and my mind is going a million miles an hour. Guess I will just listen and say whats on my mind when the time comes. Wish me luck. I will update in the morning.

[X14Halo]

Well it's over. Not really what i expected. But she basically said that she thought she knew what she was looking for, and she thought i was the one for her in the beginning 150%, but then she recently realized that she is really looking for something else. I totally understood. No tears were shed, and we both seemed pretty happy actually. Talked about it and all is well. I basically said that i had a really great time during the past 2.5 months, and learned a ton about myself and what im looking for in a relationship. And she had a great time too.

 

If this happened 4 days ago id be crying my eyes out, but with all this time to think about it and prepare for it, im actually not all that upset to be honest. I've grown more in the past 3 months and experienced more than I have in the past 6 years. At this point it's all a number game and I'm going to keep dating as much as I possibly can until I either get tired of it or find the one.

 

It's so weird...I was 90% expecting to cry when she told me, but it just didn't happen and I actually just smiled. I'm really excited to have the chance to date someone else now.

Edited November 9, 2014 by X14Halo

[X14Halo]

I need some perspective and some help getting through this. I'm a little depressed.

 

My girlfriend of 3 months just broke up with me 2 days ago. She moved to LA from Japan a year ago but speaks pretty good english. She had been in 2 serious relationships back in Japan, but the guy left her both times. I on the other hand, had only dated 1 girl in the past 8 years and it only lasted 2 months. Anyway, we met on Match and went got some breakfast and went surfing and really hit it off. It was my first "serious" relationship (I'm 29!, she is 31), and she basically lived with me and we saw eachother like 4-5 nights a week after work and slept in the same bed every night. Yes, I now know that this was too fast too soon, but we had so much connection and we both always wanted to be around eachother. Plus she was gorgeous! She ALWAYS came over my place and I NEVER went over to her place. She had a guy roomate, and we both said how we liked being alone at my place. So she would drive 30 minutes to my place all the time after her school or work. I spoiled the **** out of her and always did everything I could to make her happy. She always said that I spoiled her so much and asked if it was ok since she never spoils me. I told her that I was just happy to be around her, and it was the truth. I would always have breakfast or coffee for her when she woke up, I would always get her favorite foods, and I would pay for almost everything despite her offering. I would give her massages and take baths with her. We shared so many of the same interests and hobbies and that only brought us closer. I was convinced that she was "the one" from the very beginning, and she really liked me and fell for me. We went to San Diego for a weekend also and got a hotel and explored a new city. I have never been happier.

 

The first 2 months our conversations were deep and we really enjoyed getting to know eachother. We went on so many dates, so many that my friends all thought I was crazy. The last 2 weeks though, things were stressful between her school work and our jobs, and everytime we were together it seemed like she was getting less and less physical. When we would talk, it was never anything deep anymore, or getting to know eachother. Just about the food in front of us or something, or her crappy teacher. She would say how she is homesick, and sometimes she would explain how it's so hard to fully express herself in her 2nd language. I sensed her getting depressed and she admitted to it and said she didn't know why. She also got a little sick at one point. I always bombarded her with texts asking how she was or telling her that I missed her. She wouldnt respond right away so I would just send more messages. I could sense the chemistry lowering and ended up asking her if she still liked me and wanted to keep seeing me (over text...stupid, i know).

 

A week ago was when she revealed that she didn't know how she felt about me anymore and had to think about it. I was in shock for 2 days and I cried and cried (not in front of her), and I did not contact her at all and said I would give her time to think. We took a week break so she could think, and then she finally came over and told me she wanted to end things 2 days ago. I had already cried all I could cry during the break and I had done a lot of thinking. So when the time came, I kind of expected it and was prepared. I smiled and told her not to be sorry. I told her how much I have learned about myself and how much fun I had, and that I would do it all again if I could. She had fun too she said. She told me that I was perfect, and she was 150% sure that I was "the one", but recently decided that what she thought she was looking for is not really what she wants. Neither of us cried, and we smiled and actually laughed a little. I even helped her carry her surfboard down to her car and hugged her goodbye. She said I was far too nice, and that is part of the problem (then she laughed), but that's just who I am. I said that I hope she finds somebody who she really likes, and that we will both know what we are looking for when we find it. Before leaving she said, "let's go surfing sometime, maybe?" And I said "yea, maybe."

 

It has been hard and I can't stop thinking about her. I go to the bathroom at work from time to time just to cry. But I have been doing so much thinking about what to do if she contacts me to be friends. At first I was set on just ignoring her completely like everybody on these forums suggests, but then I always think...what IF she changed her mind and wants to be with me. Well, I am starting to slowly realize that her call probably will never come and it will not allow me to heal at all if I sit around thinking about her anymore. Plus I don't want to be her backup plan just incase something doesnt work out with another guy she meets. I will tell her the honest truth if she contacts me, that even though she wants to be friends, it would hurt me too much to see her and know that I can't be with her. It would be like picking at a scab. We can't be friends. I have removed her from my spotify friends list so that I don't have to look at her username anymore, and I have hid everything in my apartment that reminds me of her. It is time to move on to the next chapter of my life and use this as a learning experience so that my next relationship can be that much better. I've also realized that I pretty much fall for any girl I date, or that gives me attention. ESPECIALLY this one because I've never been this sexually intimate with someone before. But holy crap it's hard trying to stop thinking about her and how much I liked being around her. I want to text her so bad saying how much I miss her but I'm holding back. I'm already back on online dating sites, and I feel like I won't get over her until I start dating somebody else. I don't want it to seem like a rebound relationship though...I'm ready to move on to the next chapter of my life. What is the point in waiting to date again?

Anyway, thanks for reading and please let me know what you all think.

Edited November 11, 2014 by X14Halo

[johnson_j]

If you had listened to what I said earlier you could have saved yourself the heartache and had a little dignity left in the process.

 

 

Block her, delete her, and let her go find another guy who will use her and cheat on her. Not your problem anymore. End of story.