She says she needs time to think? (Updated)

[X14Halo]

2 and a half months ago I started dating a girl I met on Match. We really hit it off and things have been going amazing for the first 2 months. She basically lived at my place and stayed over almost every night. It was always her idea to stay over and she seemed to like it, as did I.

 

For the past 2 weeks though she has seemed a little different...not kissing me as much, acting different if I put my arm around her, etc...She said that she has been a little depressed lately and she even got a little sick once.

Well on Halloween night I was supposed to go over to her place but I texted her during the day saying I wasn't going to come over. I said that I wanted to give her some time alone so that she can relax and hopefully feel better...maybe she was just stressed from spending so much time with me. She seemed ok with it. Well Saturday night comes around and she says that she isn't going to come over Sat night or Sunday. I ask how she is doing on Sunday and she doesn't respond all day. It eventually comes out that she was a little upset and confused about me not coming over on Friday. I apologize and she says she understands my point of view.

 

Monday night comes around and I don't hear from her after I text her goodnight. I follow up and ask whats wrong, and ask if she likes me and wants to continue seeing me (because I can't sleep...I had to ask).

She just sent the following "I'm sorry I made you worry and gave you a hard time. Can we talk in person this week. Your question is exactly the same I have right now to myself. I think I need more time to figure it out. It suddenly came into my mind. I will come over at some point this week. Let me think about it."

 

I know that I should not contact her now, and just give her the space she needs. I just spent the past hour crying though because I like her so much. How should I react when she comes over to talk? Would it be better to just act unphased and happy? Or should I spill my true feelings about how much I care about her and don't want to lose her? She knows I really like her...but I just don't know how to act because I've never been through this before...

[PegNosePete]

Dude... she is trying to let you down gently.

Very likely there is another guy/guys which is what she has to "think" about.

It's the old classic "it's not you, it's me" line.

[PegNosePete]

Generally the same people read both forums - no need to cross-post.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/500302-she-says-she-needs-time-think

[Redhead14]

2 and a half months ago I started dating a girl I met on Match. We really hit it off and things have been going amazing for the first 2 months. She basically lived at my place and stayed over almost every night. It was always her idea to stay over and she seemed to like it, as did I.

 

For the past 2 weeks though she has seemed a little different...not kissing me as much, acting different if I put my arm around her, etc...She said that she has been a little depressed lately and she even got a little sick once.

Well on Halloween night I was supposed to go over to her place but I texted her during the day saying I wasn't going to come over. I said that I wanted to give her some time alone so that she can relax and hopefully feel better...maybe she was just stressed from spending so much time with me. She seemed ok with it. Well Saturday night comes around and she says that she isn't going to come over Sat night or Sunday. I ask how she is doing on Sunday and she doesn't respond all day. It eventually comes out that she was a little upset and confused about me not coming over on Friday. I apologize and she says she understands my point of view.

 

Monday night comes around and I don't hear from her after I text her goodnight. I follow up and ask whats wrong, and ask if she likes me and wants to continue seeing me (because I can't sleep...I had to ask).

She just sent the following "I'm sorry I made you worry and gave you a hard time. Can we talk in person this week. Your question is exactly the same I have right now to myself. I think I need more time to figure it out. It suddenly came into my mind. I will come over at some point this week. Let me think about it."

 

I know that I should not contact her now, and just give her the space she needs. I just spent the past hour crying though because I like her so much. How should I react when she comes over to talk? Would it be better to just act unphased and happy? Or should I spill my true feelings about how much I care about her and don't want to lose her? She knows I really like her...but I just don't know how to act because I've never been through this before...

 

Two months dating and she's staying at your house every night? That's entirely too much time to be spending together so soon. A relationship needs to grow a little more slowly. Spending that time time together, takes all the mystery out of things and you start seeing the "real" person rather quickly. Yes, those things will come through eventually, but by then a person knows you well enough to decide whether they can deal with that.

 

Yes, give her the space she needs. If you've been through this before, you should already know how to act. But, don't anticipate or plan what you're going to say. Let her talk and gauge your response accordingly. If she says she's moving on, handle it graciously and with dignity. If she says she wants to be with you, then you tell her you want to be with her.

 

If she wants to continue things, take a step back, and kinda start over. Don't spend so much time together for a while.

[beautifulinside2]

Sometimes while dating and you go full speed in the beginning, you have to take some time and regroup to make sure your feelings are true love or just infatuation. It appears to me that she is just trying to slow things down a bit so you don’t crash and burn. I think you two just needto communicate. Tell her how you feel and be honest (please don’t cry).

[johnson_j]

Your only reply to her should be "Good luck with everything". You don't need to be overthinking this - she has shown you little consideration and understanding. Now it's time for you to be the man and let her know you're not okay with that treatment.

[d0nnivain]

When you two talk . . . she should talk and you should LISTEN. Spilling your guts to her will make her run away not stay. Hear her concerns & her thought processes. Ask her Qs like what does she want? Do not tell her what you want because she's too fragile to deal with that right now.

 

She does not seem like a good long term prospect. At 2 months in you two should be in the HM stages -- deliriously happy, unaware of the rest of the world. Problems & the need to think at this usually mean the other person is trying to think of a way to end it without causing you too much pain.

[HereAndThenGone]

Put the breaks on and slow down.

I would have been upset about a guy ditching me on Halloween too.

 

She's going through something and you're probably not going to figure it out but it's out of your hands.

 

Try not to get upset with her but don't let her play you with the back and forth and indecisiveness. If she needs time to think, tell her you're there for her when she comes back and give her the space.

 

If she wants to come to you, as long as it's not putting you in an imposition and you want to see her, then see her to talk.

 

I would just advise against prodding her for answers, that's most likely going to push her away.

[Mrin]

Ya dude. She already knows you really like her. I don't think you need to tell her that any more. She is at the "he likes me more than I like him" stage. There might be another guy in the picture or there might not. But I would do as recommended - send a text telling her to take all the time she needs and leave it at that. No reply unless it is a "hey let's talk on X night". Otherwise, put yourself back on the market and try to soften the blow you know is coming. And there isn't a damn thing you can do to avoid the blow by the way. You can only work to mitigate its impact.

 

Sorry man.

[PegNosePete]

- Text her this "Hey, xxxxx. Take all the time you need to think. I will need to take a long time to think too."

...

After two or three days, contact her and tell her she that as much as you like her, you need to drop her so you can find someone who likes you as much as you like them.

What a waste of time, and pointlessly hurtful thing to do. Why tell someone that you need time to think, if you know you're going to drop them? That's just a stupid game.

 

- Tell her to come pick up her things from your house. However, leave them at the front door so you don't have to see her.

Depending where you live, this may be illegal. If the goods are damaged or stolen you may be taken to court for their value.

[jackinthebox1]

What a waste of time, and pointlessly hurtful thing to do. Why tell someone that you need time to think, if you know you're going to drop them? That's just a stupid game.

 

 

Depending where you live, this may be illegal. If the goods are damaged or stolen you may be taken to court for their value.

 

I agree. honestly this forum is starting to worry me. She just said she need a bit of space and will talk when she is ready, so give her that.

It doesnt mean she is cheating, it doesnt mean u should just give her ultimatums or break it off. Try and communicate without being needy.

Too many damaged goods on here giving advice

[X14Halo]

I sent her a text saying "Hey xxxxx, take all the time you need to think. I will use this time to think as well."

 

I can't stop crying..ugh. Guess it's better to get it all out now than do it in front of her. I've spoiled the **** out of her for the past 2 months and I've been nothing but nice, and it seemed like she was the girl of my dreams and everything was going amazing. Even when I first met her I could tell that I liked her more than anyone I've met before. She seemed so happy to be with me for the first 2 months. I guess you guys are right and we spent too much time together too quickly. So upset right now...

If she comes over tonight I will take your advice and just listen and ask her stuff like what is she looking for. I will try not to cry, and if she wants to break things off, I will be nice and say good luck with everything. If she wants to take things slow I will be ok with that too. You guys just have me so worried now that there is another guy she likes more. Is it ok to ask her that? It's either that, or maybe she is just starting to find my personality boring. She knows I am a little quiet at times, and the past 2 or 3 times we have been together there was not a lot of talking going on. But part of that was because she wasn't feeling good.

[loversquarrel]

Too much, too fast. I sense a couple of possibilities here.... She may be showing signs of a rebound. The two of you are behaving clingy, and she may have REAL BIG issues with rejection as you didn't see her on Halloween. Either way I'd slow down a bit.

[X14Halo]

The two of you are behaving clingy, and she may have REAL BIG issues with rejection as you didn't see her on Halloween.

 

I actually hope this is the case...it at least seems repairable. She told me in the past that one of her ex long term boyfriends couldn't handle being around her all the time so they had to break things off, so I could see this being a possibility. Or maybe she just realized that she doesn't like me as much as she liked one of her ex's. Either way, I am a wreck today so I took off of work. I might go lay on the beach and think things over. I really thought that she was the one...so I will be completely devastated if she wants to end things. Trying to build myself up to soften the blow if it happens.

 

edit: She just responded to my last text about giving her time to think. "Thanks Have a good day!!"

The fact that she seems to happy when I'm so sad annoys me...I wish she never would have responded.

Edited November 4, 2014 by X14Halo

[d0nnivain]

She doesn't know that you are so sad. By your text, she thinks you are OK with what is going on & that is what is making her happy.

 

You can't let her know that you are devastated. Getting all of your emotions out behind closed doors will help you to cope when you do talk to her especially if she delivers bad news.

[writergal]

X14Halo I understand how hurt you must feel but think about it: relationships take time to develop.

 

This sounds like it was a case of "too much too soon," which is so common with online dating. So many bruised egos online, who just want to find a warm body to cushion the blow for them while they heal from their breakup.

 

The next time you meet a gal online who you really like, take it slow. Don't become intimate right away. Give it a month or two to talk, make-out and date (and I mean, really date) before you get between the sheets. Obviously it's different for everyone.

 

But if you jump into things physically before you've had a chance to emotionally bond, then all you're doing is having casual sex with someone for 2 months before you really get to know them. It doesn't make sense to me.

 

It's like putting the cart before the horse. Get the horse first, (the emotional connection, the commitment) before the cart (wild and crazy, compatible sex with each other). I'm not saying you have to be a prude either. But at least pace yourself, put some effort into the emotional part before you pursue the physical.

 

And what's with people thinking that texting is an acceptable form of communication in relationships especially with addressing confusion and problems? Why not call or talk face to face? I've said it once I'll say it again, technology has ruined the way we communicate because no one talks to each other face to face or on the phone anymore. Technology has ruined the way people "court" each other too, because rather than a hand-written love note or a phone call you get a text. Give me John Cusack and a boombox please. That's the guy I want to date. Show me the love, don't text me about it.

 

I really don't understand why people fall back on texting each other especially in these situations, where a face to face conversation or at the very least a phone conversation could clear up misunderstandings or assuage confusion or hurt feelings.

 

Texting and emailing instead of real communication creates un-necessary drama in what are otherwise normal relationships. Are people that lazy? That afraid of each other? That they can't just call the person they're sleeping with on the phone and say "I"m sorry I cancelled our Halloween date. I am sure that gave you the impression that I don't care. But this is why I did it..."

 

I'll never understand why people resort to texting to solve their relationship problems.

[X14Halo]

D0nnivain - I think you are right. I REALLY want her to know how sad I am and how much I care about her, but I guess you are right and I should just play it cool. I'm just so afraid of coming off as "not caring" if I show no emotion when we finally meet up. This all seems to backwards to me.

 

writergal - We didn't really do anything physical for the first month at all, and now that I think back on it she didn't spend a ton of time at my place until after the first month. You are absolutely right about the texting thing. I have definitely learned from this and no longer want to text. If the slim chance happens that we work things out, I think I will start calling her more instead of texting. I tried calling her twice on Sunday to talk things over but she did not pick up so I resorted to texting.

 

I just want to hear more about how you guys think I should act and react when I talk to her face to face tonight. I want to show so much emotion and tell her how much I care about her, but everybody here is saying to just act like I don't care and ask her what she is looking for. I'm afraid that will drive her away. Should I hug her when I see her? Should I tell her that I was up all night crying, and that I took a sick day from work to sit around and think about all of this?

Edited November 4, 2014 by X14Halo

[writergal]

X14Halo: Here's a novel idea, "just be yourself."

 

Don't hold anything back or play games hoping you can control the outcome of what she says and does.

 

We can't control other people (not even hypnotists can). All you have control over, is yourself. That's it. This gal will say and do whatever it is she will. There is no way that you can anticipate her words or actions. Even sports coaches don't have ESP (just ESPN). They can strategize with their players but even strategy is all guess-work.

 

Just say what you want to say to her when you see her and whatever happens, happens. And look at what you've already learned about yourself from this experience: you don't like texting and you will call more than text in your next relationship. So two good things have come from this already. That's what's great about dating. It teaches us more about ourselves and what we want/don't want based on how our partners treat us. Does that make any sense?

[writergal]

 

I just want to hear more about how you guys think I should act and react when I talk to her face to face tonight. I want to show so much emotion and tell her how much I care about her, but everybody here is saying to just act like I don't care and ask her what she is looking for. I'm afraid that will drive her away. Should I hug her when I see her? Should I tell her that I was up all night crying, and that I took a sick day from work to sit around and think about all of this?

 

Look, don't do something that goes against your nature just to please people on an online forum. Especially all the bad advice about the texting games you should play with her. Don't text her anymore. Advice is subjective and the advice seeker (you in this case) needs to determine what fits with (your) goals here. If you want to be honest with her and show emotion then do it. Your fear that being yourself will drive her away is unfounded, until it actually does (IF it actually does).

 

And so what if being yourself puts her off? Well then she wasn't really someone you want to be with long-term. If you have to pretend to be someone you're not in a relationship, then the message you give that person is that your needs and who you are as a person isn't valuable. Don't pretend. Never pretend. The right person is going to accept you for who you are, flaws included.

 

If you want to tell her how much this has effected you, then tell her. I disagree with all the advice here from people who tell you to stuff your emotions down and not show her. That's horrible advice. You need to be yourself or she will never get to see who you really are. And isn't the point of being in a relationship with someone, to be yourself 100%? Otherwise what is the point?!

Edited November 4, 2014 by writergal

[X14Halo]

Well I went to the beach to sit and think and it was very relaxing. I decided that if she comes over tonight, I will first apologize for not hanging out on Halloween night. Then I will ask her what is on her mind and hear what she has been thinking about. If it turns out to be another guy she likes, I will politely ask her to leave and never talk to her again. If there is another reason and she wants to be friends I will say that I can't do that because it will tear me apart, and I will not talk to her anymore. I'm hoping that she wants to remain in a relationship but just take it slower. I feel that is a slim chance though according to what you all are saying. I really hope she comes over tonight and does not wait another day or 2. It will eat me up inside. I just know I'm going to bust out in tears when she comes over. Also I forgot to mention that she moved here from Japan 1 year ago, and one of her guy friends from Japan has been visiting this week...I really am hoping that has nothing to do with it after all we have experienced in the past 2 months.

 

I am kind of afraid of jumping right back into dating because what if the girl asks when my last relationship was? It will seem like a total bounce back from a bad dump. Also I just want to mention that before this, the last time I dated was 8 years ago...I'm 29 now. And my longest relationship ever was 3 months. Maybe I will never find someone who likes me as much as I like them...

Edited November 4, 2014 by X14Halo

[X14Halo]

I just have one more thing to ask...what if she says she wants to take a break for a week or 2? I mean of course I still want to see her, but do you think that means that she will be be stringing me along for a soft breakup? I would ask her if there is another guy involved, but if she says no, what would you do if you were in my shoes and you really like her? I'm sure I am overthinking all this and just freaking out, but I don't know who else to talk to about all this.

[PegNosePete]

In my opinion there is no such thing as a "break". You're either together, or you're not.

What possible reason would there be for a "break"? I've never heard a good one.

Mostly people say they want a break when they want to bang other people without guilt.

[X14Halo]

Just a little update on all this. Ever since 2 days ago when she told me that she had to think about her feelings for me, we have not talked yet. I told her I would give her all the time she needs to think. I have been thinking a lot though, and one thing I didn't realize until today was that I was going way too crazy on Saturday/Sunday/Monday sending her text messages. I have a bad habit of freaking out internally if somebody doesn't respond to a text message, and I think they are ignoring me. So I would send message after message even though she said she wanted to wait to talk in person. This might be part of the reason she needs to think about things. Monday night she didn't respond in 2 hours so that's why I sent the message asking about her feelings towards me and if she was ignoring me. I plan on apologizing for this because I have just not been myself recently. I was really hoping she would come over to talk yesterday or tonight, but she has yet to call. I can't stop thinking about her and I really want her to come over so that we can talk and I can find out what she has been thinking about. There is such a huge empty hole in my stomach and it is so hard to think or eat. I will be completely devastated if she want to end things, but I am hoping she wants to continue seeing me. I guess I will continue to wait until she contacts me and is ready to talk.

Edited November 6, 2014 by X14Halo

[xUnknown]

Are you two dating exclusively? boyfriend and girlfriend?

 

I think if you two are just dating... a break is acceptable. Because technically, you two aren't obligated to each other in any way. Boyfriend/girlfriend...yeah, sorry, no breaks allowed there (to me). Maybe a day to cool emotions after an argument, but not to see where things are going.

 

Just be you. Try not to overthink or overtext. Sure, apologize for "going off the deep end" and your "anxiety got the best of you". But, try and stay calm. She may be pissed, may want to end things...you don't know until you two talk.

 

But as mentioned before, be yourself. Don't do something that you don't feel is right just to please a forum. We just say this or that because of our own personal experience.

[X14Halo]

I think we are right on the border of dating, and probably crossing over to boyfriend/girlfriend in the next few weeks (if things continue). She hasn't said anything about a break but I'm just preparing my mind for different options. I will just give her space and not contact her until she is ready to come talk. Best case scenario she wants to continue things and we start fresh and take things slower. Worst case she ends things and I will be very very hurt, but I will have learned a lot from all this and I will be much more prepared for the next relationship.

 

Even though everybody's advice is all over the place, it is super helpful to hear all of your opinions on the matter so thank you all. It is definitely helping me get through this tough time.

Edited November 6, 2014 by X14Halo