Graywulfx Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 (edited) Ill start with some background. I am a 30 year old interracial adoptee. I am half black and half white, but my mom and dad are white. I was, by chance, reunited with my natural mother who is black many years ago. I have since kindled a relationship with my bio mother and the associated family. My girlfriend of 2 years is a 25 year old Asian nurse. Wonderful woman... Very caring and intelligent. She is a first generation immigrant from a 3rd world country. She said something tonight that was a bit jarring and has led me to doubt this relationship. I explained that an associate of mine was coming over to drop off some work. I work in the computer forensics field and she needed my assistance with some low level data recovery. This associate is black. Her response was "You have too many black friends." I'm stunned. I chalk it up as a bad joke and explain that I don't classify anyone I associate with by race. I can honestly say that I dont. I probe her a bit by explaining that I only have 2 black friends. "What about Chrystal?" I immediately realize that she's serious. Chrystal is my natural half sister. Her response was like a verbal slap in the face. "You know I don't like black people and don't tell me that you are black. You aren't." I tell her that she sounds like her mother. (Who is overtly racist toward me) She sees that she has crossed a line and immediately starts apologizing. Begging me to forgive her. She was on her way to work so we couldn't finish the conversation. I'm strongly considering kicking her to the curb. Oh wise people of the shack am I overreacting Or did she show her true colors today?! Edited November 4, 2014 by Graywulfx
Assasda Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 The strange thing about this, is youre finding this out after 2 years!. TWO years, of being with her. She must have gave you some other clues I cant see you kicking her to the curb over this 1 instance, because you've been with her for 2 years. Pssshhh... This is what happens to a couple when theyre just in a relationship for 2 months, but I'm incredulous at this happening 2 years in. Anyway, you might want to let her know more about your ethnicity and tell her how you feel. Thats all I have to add
Million.to.1 Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 She sure did show her true colour intolerance! Ewwww. If her mother is already anti "you and your type" then run. Your GF is her mothers daughter. 7
Emilia Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 I'm strongly considering kicking her to the curb. Oh wise people of the shack am I overreacting Or did she show her true colors today?! Very much so! I've been in interracial relationships (I'm white) and I can tell you that while I'm not blind to cultural differences and obviously I notice the other person's skin tone (part of the attraction!), I always respect their cultural and racial identity and would never question it! I can't ever imagine making another person feel bad about their ethnicity, it's as if you made some misogynist comments to her about her sex and gender identity! Exactly the same thing. I would never date a man who had a problem with the fact that I'm a white Eastern European. 2
Toodaloo Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 I'm strongly considering kicking her to the curb. Oh wise people of the shack am I overreacting Or did she show her true colors today?! Sounds like she is picking up habits from her mother. You need to ask yourself if you can live with that. All this race stuff gets so confusing. You never know the right phrase to use to describe someones ethnic background. But these is a difference between actively being racist and nasty and making a slip because you have a phrase you use or because you are not up on the latest PC terms... Only you can judge what this is. In my opinion your sister is more than just a friend. She is your blood. I personally am struggling with the "you have too many black friends" bit. As long as they are decent people, who cares what colour they are. Its like saying you hate all red cars and must only ever have a blue one or ride in a blue car... But then I also think along these lines with gender etc too. Some people consider Asian to be "black" so I am a bit perplexed as to where your girlfriends mother is coming from... A "white" person would be "different" in Asia so why the emphasis on it all. I dunno. Brain ache. Go with what your head and heart tell you. Living life with someone prejudiced would be very dull very quickly though. Just imagine if you met someone really cool and great fun but couldn't be friends with them because of your partners skewed beliefs... cuts your ability to form a support group around you down a heck of a lot doesn't it...
SawtoothMars Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 She sees that she has crossed a line and immediately starts apologizing. Begging me to forgive her. She was on her way to work so we couldn't finish the conversation. I'm strongly considering kicking her to the curb. Oh wise people of the shack am I overreacting Or did she show her true colors today?! Asian people commonly use race as a shorthand for culture. She isn't racist otherwise she wouldn't be dating you. If she doesn't like black culture but you are really into it... this will be a constant source of tension. 1
Emilia Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 Asian people commonly use race as a shorthand for culture. She isn't racist otherwise she wouldn't be dating you. If she doesn't like black culture but you are really into it... this will be a constant source of tension. Yes I think I agree with this. Nevertheless, it's about who you are OP.
irc333 Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Ill start with some background. I am a 30 year old interracial adoptee. I am half black and half white, but my mom and dad are white. I was, by chance, reunited with my natural mother who is black many years ago. I have since kindled a relationship with my bio mother and the associated family. My girlfriend of 2 years is a 25 year old Asian nurse. Wonderful woman... Very caring and intelligent. She is a first generation immigrant from a 3rd world country. She said something tonight that was a bit jarring and has led me to doubt this relationship. I explained that an associate of mine was coming over to drop off some work. I work in the computer forensics field and she needed my assistance with some low level data recovery. This associate is black. Her response was "You have too many black friends." I'm stunned. I chalk it up as a bad joke and explain that I don't classify anyone I associate with by race. I can honestly say that I dont. I probe her a bit by explaining that I only have 2 black friends. "What about Chrystal?" I immediately realize that she's serious. Chrystal is my natural half sister. Her response was like a verbal slap in the face. "You know I don't like black people and don't tell me that you are black. You aren't." I tell her that she sounds like her mother. (Who is overtly racist toward me) She sees that she has crossed a line and immediately starts apologizing. Begging me to forgive her. She was on her way to work so we couldn't finish the conversation. I'm strongly considering kicking her to the curb. Oh wise people of the shack am I overreacting Or did she show her true colors today?!
mariekatie Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 I think she picked up the bad habits from her mom. Asians are family orientated and get influenced easily from their family. Maybe she was just making an insensitive remark and didn't realise it. I did it once too, but that wasn't what i meant. If you're planning to kick her after 1 small mistake, maybe you should ask yourself if you truly love her. 2 years is not a short time. You should communicate with her. If she continues being "racist" then take it or leave it.
beautifulinside2 Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 First of all, you are black and you need to let her know that so she can pull herself out of denial. My boyfriend is white and if he ever said anything remotely close to any of what she said I would be gone so fast it would make a hurricane look like summer. You may also remind her that there is a possibility that if you two have kids they will be part black. "You know I don't like black people and don't tell me that you are black. You aren't." How much clearer does she need to be. When people show you who they are believe them. 8
Standard-Fare Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 This is worth having a confrontation (or even fight) about. You need to probe it and see exactly where she stands. If you'd been dating her casually or for a short time, it wouldn't even be worth that... you'd just walk away. But since she's your GF of two years, you need to sort this out and make sure you're not misunderstanding each other. Like others have mentioned, I'm having a hard time imagining how this sort of sentiment is coming up for the first time two years in... 2
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 No this girl has been conditioned by her mother.. All kids are but she isn't like her mother or she wouldn't be dating u but she's been forced to believe something all her life so there's always something inside that makes u think "if my parents say it's wrong then it must be". I think if anything she was pee'd about it being a girl but didn't want to say that so went & put her foot in her mouth.. Just my opinion! x
Omei Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 I get the whole argument here but... She made 1 oopsie comment in a span of two years. And I think it would be shame to leave her just for that anyone on this forum that claims they never ever made a racial comment good or bad or unaware of how it might of sound is full of **** its happened to all of us once or twice. If it hasn't happened before chalk it up to her not thinking clearly about what she's saying before she says it.
johnson_j Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 Kick her to the curb immediately. Totally disrespectful - how would she take it if you told her she had too many "Asian" friends? 1
William Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 Folks, one of our hydras showed up and made some disruptive posts. I cleaned up the direct quotes but some responses may seem out of place, hence this explanation. Sorry for the intrusion!
todreaminblue Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 i think its hard to go out with someone who shows intolerance .......i wish you luck.....deb
Author Graywulfx Posted November 4, 2014 Author Posted November 4, 2014 (edited) The strange thing about this, is youre finding this out after 2 years!. TWO years, of being with her. She must have gave you some other clues I cant see you kicking her to the curb over this 1 instance, because you've been with her for 2 years. Pssshhh... This is what happens to a couple when theyre just in a relationship for 2 months, but I'm incredulous at this happening 2 years in. Anyway, you might want to let her know more about your ethnicity and tell her how you feel. Thats all I have to add Oh there were other incidents. Little things that I've dismissed over the years. I've attributed them to cultural differences or her mother's influence. It's completely my fault for not addressing this until it slapped me in the face. Edited November 5, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
Jules Dash Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 "You know I don't like black people and don't tell me that you are black. You aren't." I tell her that she sounds like her mother. (Who is overtly racist toward me) You think she "may be" racist? She clearly stated that she didn't like black people. This is well beyond maybe.
Author Graywulfx Posted November 4, 2014 Author Posted November 4, 2014 She sure did show her true colour intolerance! Ewwww. If her mother is already anti "you and your type" then run. Your GF is her mothers daughter. If this is true then I need to his the eject button immediately. Her mother despises me simply because of my race. She has said some downright evil stuff.
Jules Dash Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 Asian people commonly use race as a shorthand for culture. She isn't racist otherwise she wouldn't be dating you. If she doesn't like black culture but you are really into it... this will be a constant source of tension. Well she seems to be denying that he is black. Maybe he appears more white than black.
callingyouuu Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 Since it sounds like this hasn't come up until now, I would still talk to her about it and bring up how 1) being black is a part of your identity and 2) it's not acceptable for her to tell you otherwise. I'm part of a first-generation American-Asian family, and many of my relatives are likely somewhere on the racist spectrum (not to say that all asians are racist, just my relatives are). They mostly just hang out with other Asians and are never directly told that their opinions are offensive and wrong. What's crucial is her reaction; if she's truly sorry, she'll also be willing to work together on the uphill battle of getting her family to understand. If she shows any resistance either by her words or future actions, you aren't compatible and should move on.
Haerts Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 Racism is something I would be able to tolerate, but if I discovered it after 2 years dating, I wouldn't break up, especially if I liked the person. I think you should talk to her about it, tell her your point of view and try to show her that being racist is stupid - you should also question her why she doesn't like black people. She already showed her true colors regarding that subject, now what I would do is make her have more contact with black people (especially my friends) and make her realize that there's nothing wrong with being black. If her mother is like that, then that's probably why she is too, but that doesn't means it can't change. You could suggest it to her and maybe she'll try to get better at that.
Tayken Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 (edited) i think its hard to go out with someone who shows intolerance .......i wish you luck.....deb I think it's hard to have to work with, socialize with or even converse with someone that harbours stereotypical thoughts about people that don't look like them...period. OLD is full of people that only want to date their type based on what society might think or stereotypes in the media. It's a shame though considering there could be someone of a different race or colour that might meet all the values and respect a certain person, but due to the fact that they look different, they get rejected. It's the world we live in, and it's not going to go away anytime soon. I personally have no tolerance for racists, and refuse to be in their company or listen to their utter pap. One of the Problem with racists, is that they can't even give you a valid reason as to why they don't like a certain group/creed/colour. Edited November 5, 2014 by Tayken
ComingInHot Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 Drop her. How can you consider a future with someone who you are finding has an issue with Skin color? How can you consider merging families when you already Know this chicks mother doesn't like people based on Skin Color?! Next time you talk tell her you hope she never needs a blood transfusion because heaven forbid the doner doesn't bleed asian but Indian or Caucasian or African American or ... you get the point ie; we all bleed RED. I'm so sorry you witnessed that liquid bile out of the mouth of someone you care about. CiH*
Author Graywulfx Posted November 5, 2014 Author Posted November 5, 2014 Thank you for all of your comments. I really appreciate you taking the time to weigh in on my situation. The more I think about it the more that I realize that this relationship is done. 2
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