My crush may be thinking long term about some things.

November 4, 2014

So today something in me prompted me to basically take initiative to help my crush out as far as carrying some bags to her car. It felt good to do it. I didn't care whether she would even thank me or not. She told me to leave the bags at a halfway point and she would take it from there. I ignored what she said and carried the bags all the way to her car and then quickly went back to work. I didn't stop for any small talk or anything else.

I have helped her out with practical things in the past such as taking initiative to check the battery in her car, checking the oil level, putting new antifreeze in there, etc.

Now being that this woman is old enough to be my Mom and given the fact that she is not far off from her retirement years she is probably thinking long term as well. The time is coming soon when her body is going to break down and she will need help with practical things down the road. It is probably a high priority to her that if she is going to get involved with a man who is young enough to be her son that he is mentally mature and ahead of his years and someone that she can trust to stick by her side and help her out in practical ways. Like I can see myself taking her by the arm and helping her walk down the street when she turns 70 or 80 years old.

So she probably observes the way I am at work with helping out the elderly and stuff. Those are important factors and hopefully enough to plant seeds in her mind concerning me if she is on the fence about getting involved with me. The age difference in itself is enough of an obstacle to deal with so I have to prove to her in some way that I am an extraordinary person who she can trust with her life.

The sex and the making out is all fun and stuff but that's probably not that high of a priority at her age. Good sex alone is not enough because all that is is just a friend with benefits arrangement. A man who will be there to help her out in practical ways when she retires is much higher priority than the sex.

As far as her physical appearance she looks very good for her age and physically attractive but that's beside the point. With the practical realities that are coming in her years ahead it is all the more reason for us to move very slow and probably just keep it at a friendship level for a long while. That's hard because I still get nervous when I talk to her. It is hard to open my mouth but easier to take initiative to help her out with stuff.

November 4, 2014

Again, you're making assumptions based of what's swirling in your head.

Dating, is where we spend time with someone and hopefully over 1 1/2 to 2 years, you will have gathered enough info on someone to make a decision on them.

Dating is not the same as working with someone and/or even being their friend cuz in both of those roles, you're going to see a "limited" view of them and/or they may not reveal certain things and/or act a certain way cuz you're a co-worker or friend.

About being old and dependent? Again, through dating her at some point you will visit her home and you will see how she maintains her living (i.e. does she pay for a gardner, repairman, etc. or she does it herself...does she have a lot of male so-called "friends" who are doing so-called "favors" for her?)

Also, you'd be surprised on how many people live independently till the day they die. I mean, not to long ago I met a 78 yr old who was a widow, yet still drives and was handling her business.

I'll give you a comparison/contrast of my mom and some of her siblings (all are in the age range of 60's - 70's)....

My mom doesn't drive. She never cared to learn. She does not have a sense of independence. BTW, she was like that since I was a kid. She'd just work and sit around waiting on my father to come into town. Eventually, when he finally was under the same roof with us, he'd get up and run the streets and she'd just sit at home and not go out to make friends and/or do nothing. As a woman that is now a senior citizen...nothing has changed.

You have to twist her arm to get her to learn new things. She will not learn to drive and/or go on public transportation. Same way my dad used to drive her around, now I do that. Sometimes I think she's an entitlement princess. It was so hard to get her to start taking a taxi here and there if I wasn't available.

She is also very timid. She will not stand up for herself. Sometimes we're driving and I can feel the cold air coming through her window and if I don't close the window from my panel, she won't raise her voice and ask if she can close the window and/or she won't just hit the panel on her end and do it herself.

Now, look at one of her brothers. He lives alone. He fends for himself. Shoot, the other day a kid tried to rob him and he beat the crap out of the kid and he's a senior citizen. Complete contrast from my mother.

My mother's sister drives. She always used to dress sassier than my mom and still does. Again, while she doesn't have much, she fends for herself. And, she also prefers to live on her own - rather than with her grandkids and/or children. My mom prefers to be under the same roof with either us and/or her grandkids.

My point being, just cuz someone is "old" doesn't mean they are looking for someone to caretake them...actually, many seniors are quite independent.

And, through dating and/or spending actual time with a person in all settings of their life (i.e. both home and work) - not making assumptions - is the way you're gonna figure out how they handle their business and/or how they appear to factor you or any other male in their life.

Edited November 4, 2014 by Gloria25

November 4, 2014

This is hilarious. I've been laughing for the last few minutes.

The easiest way to gain a woman's trust is to make her feel important and needed. If she needs you but you don't need her.. it will be difficult for her to trust you. So she needs to know she is offering something unique to you that will keep you loyal.

Good luck lol.

November 4, 2014

Exactly how old is she, and why would you assume sex isn't important to older women? I'm betting I'm old enough to be your mom.

November 5, 2014

She is 56 and I am 34 years old. She plans to retire by age 62 so it isn't that far off. I would think at that age it becomes even more important for women to be with a gentleman who will walk her down the street to her car or help carry heavy stuff, etc. Besides there's no way I'm going to let her carry heavy stuff whether she is a crush or not. I have this vision of chopping up firewood for her and stocking it at a convenient place for her during the winter months.

November 5, 2014

I feel it is only a matter of time before I trip and fall down in front of her. I had some close calls with that a couple weeks ago. I didn't watch my step because I was so caught up in nervousness when I walked past her. That's how serious this crush is and one day I am going to fall down on the ground and it will be so embarrassing I may have to move up my resignation.

November 5, 2014

OP, you're wasting an awful lot of time and energy thinking about how things might be with this woman when you don't actually know how she feels about you.

Let me tell you, it's not the best thing to 'move very very slowly': because while you're stumbling past her with sweaty palms because you're so in lust with her, some other guy is going to come and ask her out and end up being her partner. It's very very easy for more senior people to find relationships these days: with the dawn of the internet, it's not difficult to get a profile set up and meet prospective partners, something that wasn't available to them in their youth. Many people are divorced with adult kids and ready to share their life with someone again.

So what are you waiting for? You really need to step up and ask her out. She may so no, and save you from months of obsession. Or she may say yes and bingo, you get to start seeing her.

I'm getting the feeling from this post that you're starting to fetishize her, based on her age, however. You talk an awful lot about what you're going to do, stuff like walking her down the street as an octogenarian, chopping up firewood, not letting her carry her bags, you talk more about this than what it is you really like about her, or 'it's not about her age, I love her for her' like most people would think. You talk a lot about her body 'breaking down' when many, many people are fit and healthy and taking care of themselves well into their 70s and 80s. The days are gone where people hit 65, retire, and are in an old folks' home by 70. My father is 64 and plans not to retire until he absolutely can't handle working anymore, because he loves his job and can't stand the thought of sitting around all day without his passion for his work driving him. My stepmother is a similar age and continues to work part time while maintaining a stunning home for the two of them, cooking incredible meals three times a day and arranging their social life. They have quite a traditional relationship and they're so happy together, I don't see either of their bodies 'breaking down' or them starting to rely on other people any time soon.

I think you're delaying asking her out because you're scared of what the answer is going to be. Surely long term obsession and wasting your time and feelings is worse than rejection?

November 5, 2014

OP, you're wasting an awful lot of time and energy thinking about how things might be with this woman when you don't actually know how she feels about you.

Let me tell you, it's not the best thing to 'move very very slowly': because while you're stumbling past her with sweaty palms because you're so in lust with her, some other guy is going to come and ask her out and end up being her partner. It's very very easy for more senior people to find relationships these days: with the dawn of the internet, it's not difficult to get a profile set up and meet prospective partners, something that wasn't available to them in their youth. Many people are divorced with adult kids and ready to share their life with someone again.

So what are you waiting for? You really need to step up and ask her out. She may so no, and save you from months of obsession. Or she may say yes and bingo, you get to start seeing her.

I'm getting the feeling from this post that you're starting to fetishize her, based on her age, however. You talk an awful lot about what you're going to do, stuff like walking her down the street as an octogenarian, chopping up firewood, not letting her carry her bags, you talk more about this than what it is you really like about her, or 'it's not about her age, I love her for her' like most people would think. You talk a lot about her body 'breaking down' when many, many people are fit and healthy and taking care of themselves well into their 70s and 80s. The days are gone where people hit 65, retire, and are in an old folks' home by 70. My father is 64 and plans not to retire until he absolutely can't handle working anymore, because he loves his job and can't stand the thought of sitting around all day without his passion for his work driving him. My stepmother is a similar age and continues to work part time while maintaining a stunning home for the two of them, cooking incredible meals three times a day and arranging their social life. They have quite a traditional relationship and they're so happy together, I don't see either of their bodies 'breaking down' or them starting to rely on other people any time soon.

I think you're delaying asking her out because you're scared of what the answer is going to be. Surely long term obsession and wasting your time and feelings is worse than rejection?

Another reason I am delaying asking her out is because I am not ready for a boyfriend title yet. I wouldn't want that kind of promotion for at least another year anyway. The risk that she may find someone else is not that much of an incentive for me to move in. I have other reasons and reservations. I'm not ready for a commitment yet. I don't consider it a waste of my time because I don't have any interest in going out with anybody else anyway. I still would have used the same amount of time to stay single.

Actually if she did hurry up and get with someone else that would stop the obsession since I don't give a thought to dating someone who is already taken. So even if I could see through a crystal ball that the feeling was mutual I would still be hesitant to ask her out.

And the fact that I don't know how she feels means it could go toward yes or no. I already mentioned before how a no would kind of be a blessing in disguise. What if she says yes and I get seduced into having sex after just 1 date? I don't want to be seduced into sex for an indefinite period of time.

So it is much more complicated than being afraid of the answer being no. I have asked women out in the past and taken risks so that's not really a big issue. I don't want to share my life with someone in a living together situation. I want very limited contact such as seeing her once a month and that's it. Because we work the same job right now that would be an impossibility as I would be forced to see her everyday.

It makes no sense for me to ask any woman out until I am ready for a full time commitment. If she says yes then my life is going to change. That goes without saying. My life will change and the routine I have been comfortable with as a single man is going to be disrupted. A man should not ask anyone out until he is ready for his routine to be disrupted.

I was in a past relationship for 3 years. It ended because she eventually wanted a commitment and I wasn't ready. So one lesson I took away from that experience is don't ask women out until I am sure I am ready for the POSSIBILITY that my life is going to change and have disruptions in my routine. That's the risk you take when asking someone out just like you take the risk of their rejecting you there is also the risk they won't reject you and your life will change. It is a double edge sword.

I know it is easy to rationalize by saying "well come on you are just asking her for coffee". Well all it takes is one innocent meet up or date to lead to something else and then it gets easier and easier to rationalize doing other stuff. Just like it only takes 1 time of unprotected sex to get pregnant or AIDS even though it is not a definite that it will happen but the risk is there and that's why protection must be used before the first time and not after.

I gotta put a stop to it before even opening that door a crack. There are people who get married or have sex when initially they did not plan on it with that first coffee date. What appears as something innocent and simple has the potential to set off a chain of events before you know it. So hopefully she does hook up with some other guy soon and that will be the catalyst that will help me to stop thinking about her.

Edited November 5, 2014 by Darren2013

November 5, 2014

OP, I think you're really overthinking things here. I figured both you and your crush were in your early 20s the way you write about her. You're afraid to have coffee because that will lead to something more and possibly marriage, and you are attempting to show indirect signs of interest such as putting clothespins on your face and baking her a cake. It's a little bizarre the way you are obsessing over this woman.

I'd like to provide some sort of advice for you but I'm very confused and it doesn't sound like you're asking for advice. What's going on here?

Do you have other social outlets to help you forget about this woman?

November 5, 2014

It is better to over think than to under think. There are many who do not think before getting involved and don't think before having sex, etc. I used to be one of those people in my early 20s. As a matter of fact in 2002 I even went so far as to make it a point to work the same job as my girlfriend and being very short sighted in my vision. Luckily no disasters came from that but I did alot of high risk stuff that I regret now. Is it possible that now I have gone to the other extreme and therefore attempting to overcompensate for past mistakes? Perhaps and I can see how that looks but there is a greater danger in under thinking than in over thinking.

At this point I feel like I am damned if she says no and damned if she says yes. Just damned in a different way.

November 5, 2014

What??!!! Lol OMG what is this about?

Ok, you like her but don't know if she likes you

You don't want her to date anyone else but you don't want to be her boyfriend

And a whole lot of other things....I think you have this whole thing BACKWARDS!

You definitely overthinking things, you haven't even been out with this woman. How do you know she wants to get married at all? How do you know that she would be dependent on you? You are assuming and thinking waaayyyyy too far ahead for a relationship that doesn't even exist. You are sabotaging it before you even get anywhere. Wtf?

November 5, 2014

She is 56 and I am 34 years old.

The way you talk, I really thought you were some awkward 16 year old. I am stunned at this revelation.

Thank God for peripherial vision. Now I can use it to my advantage and check her out through the corner of my eye without her knowing.

I remembered this post from another thread. Oh wow, is this the same crush you stalk from the corner of your eye?

November 5, 2014

You do realize when she's in her 70s, you'll still only be in your 40s?

November 5, 2014

It is better to over think than to under think. There are many who do not think before getting involved and don't think before having sex, etc. I used to be one of those people in my early 20s. As a matter of fact in 2002 I even went so far as to make it a point to work the same job as my girlfriend and being very short sighted in my vision. Luckily no disasters came from that but I did alot of high risk stuff that I regret now. Is it possible that now I have gone to the other extreme and therefore attempting to overcompensate for past mistakes? Perhaps and I can see how that looks but there is a greater danger in under thinking than in over thinking.

At this point I feel like I am damned if she says no and damned if she says yes. Just damned in a different way.

I guess if you want to forget about her, just ride it out until you leave the job in a few months and then never speak to her again. It's unlikely that a 56 year old would want a relationship with a 34 year old who also doesn't want a relationship. Maybe you two could have a purely physical thing?

I don't know what the point of the cake thing is because that might lead to marriage just as easily as a cup of coffee.

November 5, 2014

Why not just ask her out if she isn't taken? And do you have a thing for cougars, or is it just this particular woman you're into?

I wish I had a younger guy going after me lol. Everyone makes me feel like I'm too old now and it's harder to find someone (i'm 31 btw)

November 6, 2014

So today something in me prompted me to basically take initiative to help my crush out as far as carrying some bags to her car. It felt good to do it. I didn't care whether she would even thank me or not. She told me to leave the bags at a halfway point and she would take it from there. I ignored what she said and carried the bags all the way to her car and then quickly went back to work. I didn't stop for any small talk or anything else.

I have helped her out with practical things in the past such as taking initiative to check the battery in her car, checking the oil level, putting new antifreeze in there, etc.

Now being that this woman is old enough to be my Mom and given the fact that she is not far off from her retirement years she is probably thinking long term as well. The time is coming soon when her body is going to break down and she will need help with practical things down the road. It is probably a high priority to her that if she is going to get involved with a man who is young enough to be her son that he is mentally mature and ahead of his years and someone that she can trust to stick by her side and help her out in practical ways. Like I can see myself taking her by the arm and helping her walk down the street when she turns 70 or 80 years old.

So she probably observes the way I am at work with helping out the elderly and stuff. Those are important factors and hopefully enough to plant seeds in her mind concerning me if she is on the fence about getting involved with me. The age difference in itself is enough of an obstacle to deal with so I have to prove to her in some way that I am an extraordinary person who she can trust with her life.

The sex and the making out is all fun and stuff but that's probably not that high of a priority at her age. Good sex alone is not enough because all that is is just a friend with benefits arrangement. A man who will be there to help her out in practical ways when she retires is much higher priority than the sex.

As far as her physical appearance she looks very good for her age and physically attractive but that's beside the point. With the practical realities that are coming in her years ahead it is all the more reason for us to move very slow and probably just keep it at a friendship level for a long while. That's hard because I still get nervous when I talk to her. It is hard to open my mouth but easier to take initiative to help her out with stuff.

You got all that from you helping her with bags?

You're not a mind reader. You are assuming A LOT and basically this whole thing is a one way street where you're essentially asking questions and answering them yourself and playing out this fantasy in your mind with no real input from her.

If she is old and her body is breaking down according to you, how much time do you think she has left anyway while you take things slow?

November 6, 2014

So today something in me prompted me to basically take initiative to help my crush out as far as carrying some bags to her car.

That's very sweet of you.

Why don't you step it up a notch and take the initiative and ask her out?

November 6, 2014

Another reason I am delaying asking her out is because I am not ready for a boyfriend title yet. I wouldn't want that kind of promotion for at least another year anyway. The risk that she may find someone else is not that much of an incentive for me to move in. I have other reasons and reservations. I'm not ready for a commitment yet. I don't consider it a waste of my time because I don't have any interest in going out with anybody else anyway. I still would have used the same amount of time to stay single.

Actually if she did hurry up and get with someone else that would stop the obsession since I don't give a thought to dating someone who is already taken. So even if I could see through a crystal ball that the feeling was mutual I would still be hesitant to ask her out.

And the fact that I don't know how she feels means it could go toward yes or no. I already mentioned before how a no would kind of be a blessing in disguise. What if she says yes and I get seduced into having sex after just 1 date? I don't want to be seduced into sex for an indefinite period of time.

So it is much more complicated than being afraid of the answer being no. I have asked women out in the past and taken risks so that's not really a big issue. I don't want to share my life with someone in a living together situation. I want very limited contact such as seeing her once a month and that's it. Because we work the same job right now that would be an impossibility as I would be forced to see her everyday.

It makes no sense for me to ask any woman out until I am ready for a full time commitment. If she says yes then my life is going to change. That goes without saying. My life will change and the routine I have been comfortable with as a single man is going to be disrupted. A man should not ask anyone out until he is ready for his routine to be disrupted.

I was in a past relationship for 3 years. It ended because she eventually wanted a commitment and I wasn't ready. So one lesson I took away from that experience is don't ask women out until I am sure I am ready for the POSSIBILITY that my life is going to change and have disruptions in my routine. That's the risk you take when asking someone out just like you take the risk of their rejecting you there is also the risk they won't reject you and your life will change. It is a double edge sword.

I know it is easy to rationalize by saying "well come on you are just asking her for coffee". Well all it takes is one innocent meet up or date to lead to something else and then it gets easier and easier to rationalize doing other stuff. Just like it only takes 1 time of unprotected sex to get pregnant or AIDS even though it is not a definite that it will happen but the risk is there and that's why protection must be used before the first time and not after.

I gotta put a stop to it before even opening that door a crack. There are people who get married or have sex when initially they did not plan on it with that first coffee date. What appears as something innocent and simple has the potential to set off a chain of events before you know it. So hopefully she does hook up with some other guy soon and that will be the catalyst that will help me to stop thinking about her.

You're not taking things slow...you're doing NOTHING at all except imagining stuff in your mind. There is a BIG difference.

The irony too is that in real life you're doing nothing but in your mind you're not taking things slow but have gone from A-Z in your wild imagination about what things mean and what your future will hold with each other.

Just because you make your interest known or go on dates doesn't mean you will immediately become her boyfriend or will start living together... The idea that once you make your interest known you'll now end up committed is silly. It is VERY possible that you guys might go out a few times and she decides it's not for her...dating happens like that. Most of us don't immediately move in or even become bf/gf with someone just because we went out with them a few times. You are more than free to take things slowly AFTER going out. You're jumping the gun by assuming going out means immediate boyfriend status, immediate moving in and you helping her with her elderly body as her life partner...wtf...slow down...you haven't even gone for coffee...you have NO clue or guarantee that if you guys should go on a date it would ever even progress.

Taking things slow is: going out, seeing each other a few times a week, but you're not exclusive or in a committed relationship and have decided you want to wait a while for that. THAT is a productive form of taking things slowly.

What you're doing: helping her with bags, planning to bake a cake, imagining stuff in your mind is NOT going slow...it's not anything really.

As I suspected, it seems you're actually more afraid of the reality of a relationship so actually enjoy this fantasy and reading into stuff and guessing and so on...as it's safe...as you get to make stuff up in your head and don't actually need to put yourself out there and see what really happens.

Edited November 6, 2014 by MissBee

November 6, 2014

You're not taking things slow...you're doing NOTHING at all except imagining stuff in your mind. There is a BIG difference.

The irony too is that in real life you're doing nothing but in your mind you're not taking things slow but have gone from A-Z in your wild imagination about what things mean and what your future will hold with each other.

Just because you make your interest known or go on dates doesn't mean you will immediately become her boyfriend or will start living together... The idea that once you make your interest known you'll now end up committed is silly. It is VERY possible that you guys might go out a few times and she decides it's not for her...dating happens like that. Most of us don't immediately move in or even become bf/gf with someone just because we went out with them a few times. You are more than free to take things slowly AFTER going out. You're jumping the gun by assuming going out means immediate boyfriend status, immediate moving in and you helping her with her elderly body as her life partner...wtf...slow down...you haven't even gone for coffee...you have NO clue or guarantee that if you guys should go on a date it would ever even progress.

Taking things slow is: going out, seeing each other a few times a week, but you're not exclusive or in a committed relationship and have decided you want to wait a while for that. THAT is a productive form of taking things slowly.

What you're doing: helping her with bags, planning to bake a cake, imagining stuff in your mind is NOT going slow...it's not anything really.

As I suspected, it seems you're actually more afraid of the reality of a relationship so actually enjoy this fantasy and reading into stuff and guessing and so on...as it's safe...as you get to make stuff up in your head and don't actually need to put yourself out there and see what really happens.

There's also no guarantee that it won't lead to a serious relationship either. Serious relationships do start out innocent. If I don't stop it before the door opens a crack then it will be easier and easier to open that door more and as time goes on it will be difficult to close it. So while there's no guarantee that it will lead to anything serious there's also no guarantee that it won't unless I stop it before it starts.

November 6, 2014

There's also no guarantee that it won't lead to a serious relationship either. Serious relationships do start out innocent. If I don't stop it before the door opens a crack then it will be easier and easier to open that door more and as time goes on it will be difficult to close it. So while there's no guarantee that it will lead to anything serious there's also no guarantee that it won't unless I stop it before it starts.

You have the power to end a relationship whenever you want to.

November 6, 2014

Darren, what exactly is it about this woman that you are so focused on her?

And about sex, at her age, she could be at the height of her sexuality or she could have a bad hip like I did that would thwart her best efforts. Only one way to find out.

November 7, 2014

You have the power to end a relationship whenever you want to.

You are missing the point. The point is that for me it is much harder to end a relationship after one starts than before. Once there's an emotional bond then it becomes harder to break away on my own initiative. You are oversimplifying the solution.

November 7, 2014

Darren, what exactly is it about this woman that you are so focused on her?

And about sex, at her age, she could be at the height of her sexuality or she could have a bad hip like I did that would thwart her best efforts. Only one way to find out.

If she is at the height of her sexuality then we certainly would not be compatible as I only want sex once every 6 months if even that.

November 7, 2014

If she is at the height of her sexuality then we certainly would not be compatible as I only want sex once every 6 months if even that.

There's escorts and/or Craigslist for what you're looking for. No one gets why you're obsessed with her yet cannot make a move.

I'm glad you finally threw in the towel with her...Again, there's always Craigslist and/or escorts to that can give you what you're looking for (based on what you posted here).

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My crush may be thinking long term about some things.

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