moonlightpath Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 My problems: I’m too depended on my boyfriend. I have no idea how to make friends anymore. (I’m shy sometimes) We met about 10 months ago and started out as friends. But not only is he my boyfriend; he’s my best friend. Since the first day we’ve met we have been inseparable. We have a great relationship. But the problem is that I lack a social life. He is my social life. I honestly have only 1 friend on campus who I eat meals with frequently when I’m not with my boyfriend. Or if she or my boyfriend are not around I am seriously spending time alone in my dorm. Waiting for my boyfriend to come around. I’m just really worried I’m going to graduate college in a couple years and have only memories of my boyfriend. I feel like I’m never going to make any friends. But the most frightening thing is that if me and my boyfriend break up tomorrow I’m going to have no one to turn to. Whenever I’m with him I feel great. But once the day ends and he heads home I just have nothing to do. Whenever I’m not with him I either study, go to classes, or watch Netflix. He doesn’t prevent me from having a social life. I prevent myself. But I would like to be much less depended on him. We normally spend Fridays together. I thought he was going to come in the afternoon. But then he didn’t show up so I sent him a text. He told me he was at the Giants Parade with friends. Then we (mostly me) got into an argument. I asked him why he didn’t bother to invite me. He said he knows I don’t like sports so he figured I wouldn’t want to come. After our argument I started bawling my eyes out. I realized how pathetic I was being. I was literally waiting around for a guy to make me happy. Then to make things worse I realized it was Halloween. While laying on my bed feeling bad about myself I could hear the girls on the floor above mine getting ready for a party. Then the people across the hall were making plans to go out. And I was just alone. I want friendships SO badly. I envy everyone who I see with friends. I just don’t know where to start.
acapelo_dp Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 Hey girl , I totally understand how you feel. I moved across the country to be with my boyfriend and started a life in a new city and I didn't know anyone. At first I felt like you did, always waiting around for my boyfriend to hang out with me. Sometimes I still feel that way because his friends have become mine, and he invites me out with them almost every weekend unless it's a date night. I also find it hard because we don't live together and have different schedules, so my days off I can either hang out with him or friends. I tend to choose him which I need to stop doing. Why don't you ask the friend you eat meals with to have a girls night? Movies and food in, or go out somewhere and have a few drinks (if that is what you like, if not even going to see a movie would be fun) or ask her to get some other people together she knows. If you are living in a dorm (which I think you do based on the info you gave me) you are very lucky! It is quite easy to meet friends while in college, leave your door open more, go out and meet the girls on your floor if you hear them having a good time and introduce yourself, do meetups in your area. Once you have some acquaintances you will feel much better 1
DirtyHairy Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 Tread carefully. I say this because you are in a position to get seriously hurt. Not saying its going to happen but by that I mean if you have only the one friend (which is NOT a bad thing) then if your boyfriend leaves you (not saying he will I'm just saying things could happen) if he does leave your going to be extremely lonely. I was in a similar situation but my ex girlfriend was the one with very few friends so I was the one who gave up my friends. Now my friends I've known forever since before highschool so they are always there for me. Thing is I lost touch with them a bit so when my ex did leave me I felt lonely because I didn't have friends who I hung out with all the time. I did hang out with my friends afterwards and reconnected tho. Just a word of caution I hope that makes sense. As for making friends you and your one friend should go to a college sports game or event together. Even if you don't really like sports its just a way to meet people from the college but outside of a party so I'm sure you'd meet people there. You can also ask your boyfriend to take you to group events with his friends and get him to ask his guy friends to bring along some girls they know. Then you can expand your social circle a bit. Also in class talk to people, just say "hey can I see your notes" or something then get to talking and see if they want to study with you. Or if you talk to them a few times and you see them later in the library or in the cafe just say hi and chat with them about class a bit. Its a great way to makes some aquantiences that can turn into friends. Lab partners and project partners are good ways to meet people too. Hope this helps....coming from a guy who had trouble making lots of friends in college and university but made a few really good ones this way! 1
Author moonlightpath Posted November 4, 2014 Author Posted November 4, 2014 I know I'm going to be lonely. Thats what scares the crap out of me! Its not his fault I don't have friends. Before he came along I was new to this school and I was struggling to make friends. Which is of course very normal for new students. But this is my second year here and my social life isn't what it should be. I do have many acquaintances. But most are guys and I feel like they're more interested in having a relationship than a friendship with me. Because once I tell them I have a boyfriend they don't really pay as much attention to me. As for the one friend I have, she's not really someone I enjoy spending too time with. She's good in small doses. Plus she goes home most weekends so we don't hangout a whole lot. There is this girl who I sit by in class twice a week. She's a commuter student. We talk sometimes but she's really quiet. I think she is someone who I would like to be friends with. I've been trying to talk to her more but I always feel like I might be bothering her.
DirtyHairy Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 Being lonely after a relationship ends (which nobody wants one to end in most cases) is common tho so I wouldn't try to worry to much over it since things are going well I assume with your boyfriend it is just the lack of your own close friends that is bothering you. Try to make finding new friends a priority and take steps to make that happen. One thing to remember is that we stress ourselves out over things that are out of our control. Our minds tend to either think in the future or in the past and its easy to get caught up in the "what ifs" of life. When we focus on those what ifs we are trying to control something that we have no control over and then stress over it. You will be much less stressed or worried about it if you just focus on the "now" the things you do have control over. Try and spend more time talking to those aquaintences you do have and just suggest to hang out for a bit to get coffee (friends do that to coffee isn't just for dates lol). Trust me if you just focus on what your doing now and the things you can do to control what you can then your life will be much less stressful. Keep doing what your doing and focus on school, your boyfriend and try and make an effort to talk to people everyday...even just a random person. I have to say I was and still am an over thinker/someone who stresses out a lot. Over the past few months tho I have been taking what I said above as a sort of way to live by "in the now". It is great for reduces my worries and I'm a lot less stressed. So it does work! P.s about the guys not talking to you after they find out your in a relationship that's pretty normal but there will be guys who just do want to be genuine friends with you. Just don't make your boyfriend jealous if he's the jealous type. 1
Author moonlightpath Posted November 4, 2014 Author Posted November 4, 2014 I wouldn't say I'm really paranoid that our relationship will end. A month or two ago I admit I was. I would freakout if he didn't answer his phone right away. I was incredibly stressed. My paranoia was just creating problems that were not even there to start with. However, then I really thought about it and realized I can't control if he leaves me. If its meant to happen then it's going to happen. The only thing I don't like is how much I rely on him. I don't want to be an overly attached girlfriend.
Poppyolive Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 Moonlightpath, Instead of focusing on what is wrong, what you don't have, etc....get it together. Its good you know this is your issue, I'm sure it will bring more light to your relationship if you're less dependant on him. Make a list of goals. Maybe throw yourself into a new puddle of friends/activity once per week. Nose your way in, find out what's going on and join in!!!! Trust me, you will feel better and bring a new revitalised energy. I'm sure your boyfriend feels this. Take lead, organisation theme nights, quiz nights, pizza party, old movies, see where I'm going here???? Shift your focus & make a list. Tick one off per week.
d0nnivain Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 It's college . . . when you heard the girls giggling, you should have wandered across the hall & said, hey can I come? Join an activity to make new friends. It can be anything: a sorority; a cause; a sports team; the yearbook . . . just get involved.
Omei Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 Nearly two years ago when I had a breakup with my ex I went through a terribly rough time, the friend I had was too far and too busy to be there often enough, I decided had I had a social life I wouldnt be sitting in my room everyday. I am really shy too and particularly judgmental as for me a friend would have to be a real true friend not just an acquaintance someone I can call up to hang anytime you know? The best advice I can give is fake it till you make it there was no cure for me to stop being shy I too was desperate for a social life, I forced myself to be outgoing and confident even if I was a nervous mess, I went through a lot of ppl too good friends are mega hard to find but since two years ago ive made 2 more really good friends coming to a total of three. I went through a lot of short term friendships that didnt work out, just don't give up keep trying keep looking and you will eventually come across a worthy friend.
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