Women and dating

[Johnson1]

It seems the last 3 women I've dated (including the one I'm currently with whom I met on Saturday) have this take it or leave it attitude about getting together after the initial meeting (which is suppose to be the guys job, right?). I feel like I'm in pursuit trying to see them. I don't go overboard hounding them either. It was more like innuendo hinting that I would like to get together the next day or the day after.

 

All 3 liked me a lot and said they had a great time with me, but would wait for a week or days between before wanting to get together again. All play the 'aloof' game. 'Well maybe we can get together on Friday', 6 days after having such a great time. The first two started out either sexual or a lot of hugging and kissing.

 

I've noticed the one thing they all had in common was they are all social butterflies with tons of guy friends. I feel like seeing me is no big deal to them because I'm just one of many people they have in their life and they've been with so many guys and so used to being 'single' that they really don't want to get too close to anybody. Is that the case? Am I asking for too much too soon? I did recently come out of being in a 27 year marriage last December, so I will say that maybe yes, I am a little starved for affection, but I'm trying to play it as cool as possible because I don't want to come across as needy or desperate.

 

I think after the initial meeting no matter how hot and heavy I'm not going to bother trying to set up the next date or try to see them, but instead wait for them. Whattya think? Help me out here ladies. Thanks.

Edited November 4, 2014 by Vocals5

[GG3]

Wait for them? I don't think so. I think a lot of women are like me...we let the guy ask us out initially. I'm not comfortable initiating dates until we have gone out for a while. Any time I did any pursuing initially in the past, it didn't work out so well.

[ComingInHot]

Break it down for me a little more please

By 'getting together the next day or day after' is that from a Friday date or a Saturday/Sunday date?

I ask because if it were me (and I so realize it isn't*) I would HAVE to put you off beccause I work during the week and Sundays is family day/night.

 

Does that help at all?

I WISH dating could end up being like it was before kids, work, home etc... but I know right now today that when I have that first date (two weeks away yikes!!) I will not be able to pull an all nighter, sleep in the next day to meet for a leisurely brunch later.

But I still wouldn't change a thing*

[Jules Dash]

Don't wait for them. Your dating life won't go well with that approach. Ask them out again within the first day or so of the last date. A date 6 days later is ok as long as you are dating multiple people. Dating multiple people will calm your nerves, make you less desperate and anxious appearing.

 

I am sure they are picking up on your freshness out here. I just don't think a guy who just got out of a 27 year relationship can hide this well unless he cheated throughout it. It's ok. Just as long as you are enjoying yourself.

[mammasita]

As a grown woman with obligations, I didn't generally date during the week...so it was normal for me to wait a whole 5-6 days between dates....although when I met my BF we squeezed out a couple midweek dates during the get to know you phase.

 

The question is, are you communicating with these women between dates or just radio silence while anticipating another date?

[Tayken]

Any time I did any pursuing initially in the past, it didn't work out so well.

 

Some men have that problem too, but it's not a valid reason to shut down and leave it all to the other person. I mean just imagine all the lost opportunities because you are expecting that person to ask you, and they are expecting exactly the same thing.

[Johnson1]

The question is, are you communicating with these women between dates or just radio silence while anticipating another date?

 

Yes, there is/was communication, mostly through text messages on a daily basis. 'Hi hun, how was your day' type of thing, but I always try to set up some kind of meeting. I'm getting leery of asking, either directly or indirectly out of fear of seeming needy or desperate. In my last relationship I was accused of moving too fast, although it took her a month to hold my hand for God sake. That was my fault. She had a millionaire on the line behind the scenes whom she said she never really broke up with. Afterwards she said she stopped dating him because he didn't have time to take her to movies, go walking, etc and that he never really did anything wrong. We met at an open mic night at a club he owned. She was there every Wed. I believe to stay in contact with him. She made $10.50 per hr at Dunkin Donuts and tried to tell me his money didn't matter to her. Come to find out she started going out with him till all night long right after we broke up. I believe it was her intention to keep me as a friend meanwhile he got the best of her behind my back. I learned my lesson on that one.

Edited November 4, 2014 by Vocals5

[Johnson1]

Dating multiple people will calm your nerves, make you less desperate and anxious appearing.

 

I'm going to start doing that because I'm tired of only handing my heart to one person only to have it squashed by serial daters who don't give a crap, which is what seems to be happening. I'm not waiting around for anyone anymore.

[Mrin]

This was something I found confusing at first too. Basically the way I had remembered dating in my pre marriage years I would either hook up with a girl or I would have met someone in a dating mindset. If we hit it off in a dating mindset we would just I don't know - date. One day turned into every day and boom. We were dating. That's just how it worked.

 

Now, in a post divorce world you have this different cadence. It goes a lot slower sometimes. And sometimes it stays at this once a week or once every other week cadence. In fact, that is to be expected. The hot and heavy is more outside the norm. First - we are all far more independent than we were pre marriage. Second, our lives are well established now and fantastically full. For some of us families take up a lot of time and come first. Others it is their jobs. For the never married no kid set - their lives are full of disposable income and rich friendships. There is just far more Me than there was back when you remember dating.

 

On top of it - there is a huge hole in your life that you're trying to fill whether you know it or not.

 

I guess my advice to you would be:

 

1. Date a bunch of women

2. Expect a once a week cadence to be the norm

3. Be real clear about you intentions to see them again. Instead of saying how about tomorrow, make plans for next week. When I was dating and had a good date I would make the next date before the date was over. Might as well be clear - you'll find it refreshing.

 

So if you're into one is these ladies, call them up with a specific date idea for one week in the future.

[Jules Dash]

I'm going to start doing that because I'm tired of only handing my heart to one person only to have it squashed by serial daters who don't give a crap, which is what seems to be happening. I'm not waiting around for anyone anymore.

 

I think that's the attitude you have to have. I am sure this attitude is related to the take it or leave it attitude you are running into. Just try it. It can make a huge difference in your success and overall satisfaction.

[Johnson1]

Break it down for me a little more please

By 'getting together the next day or day after' is that from a Friday date or a Saturday/Sunday date?

I ask because if it were me (and I so realize it isn't*) I would HAVE to put you off beccause I work during the week and Sundays is family day/night.

 

Does that help at all?

I WISH dating could end up being like it was before kids, work, home etc... but I know right now today that when I have that first date (two weeks away yikes!!) I will not be able to pull an all nighter, sleep in the next day to meet for a leisurely brunch later.

But I still wouldn't change a thing*

 

Only 1 of the 3 had family obligations and/or had excessive work obligations during the week. The other two worked Mon-Fri and have weeknights and weekends free. The one I'm currently dating is not used to going out during the week (or so she says). She told me when I met her she would like to have someone to come home to, and judging by our texts 'her calling me babe' and telling me how much she enjoyed being with me I figured she'd want to see me during the week, but apparently she's in no rush to which makes me wonder if it's because she's tired or because she's seeing someone else, which wouldn't surprise me. She said she'd go with me to a club to see a band on Saturday, but didn't mention anything about getting together before then. Sometimes I don't know why I bother. She a cute biker chick. The night before we got together she was kissing some other guy at a biker event where my brother plays in a band and went back home with someone else in his RV who she claims is just a friend. I don't know, maybe he is. Her and I were sitting right next to each other cuddling while he was sitting right there and she kissed me goodbye right in front of him. She's known him quite a while. I don't know. My brother and her have been friends for a long time and are very close. She told me she liked me, but thought I was off limits because of her friendship with my bro. He told me she goes through a lot of guys, so I'm taking this one with a grain of salt.

 

Every chick I've been with so far since the demise of my marriage has been a guy magnet. Disappointment is becoming my middle name.

 

It's not my goal to become a serial dater like these chicks I've been going with, and know I know why they do it, to keep from getting a broken heart. I need to adopt the same philosophy, even though that's not what I want. I just want one very special person to care about. Not ten different one night stands. I can't seem to find that. Chicks don't want serious relationships anymore. At least not the one's I've come across.

Edited November 4, 2014 by Vocals5

[Johnson1]

I think that's the attitude you have to have. I am sure this attitude is related to the take it or leave it attitude you are running into. Just try it. It can make a huge difference in your success and overall satisfaction.

 

I don't know about the overall satisfaction thing. Being a serial dater isn't exactly what I want. Besides, I'm not great at finding dates. I've never been a serial dater. As a matter of fact I've never even went out with two women at once my whole life. The way I see it you can never really care about anyone that way.

 

Those who serial date are what I like to call 'Pods'. Emotionless, robots that go through the motions of appearing to care about each person their with. It's almost like acting a part. It's a shame so many people are like that these days. I don't know. Maybe I'm just too old fashioned.

[SawtoothMars]

I don't know about the overall satisfaction thing. Being a serial dater isn't exactly what I want. Besides, I'm not great at finding dates. I've never been a serial dater. As a matter of fact I've never even went out with two women at once my whole life. The way I see it you can never really care about anyone that way.

Those who serial date are what I like to call 'Pods'. Emotionless, robots that go through the motions of appearing to care about each person their with. It's almost like acting a part. It's a shame so many people are like that these days. I don't know. Maybe I'm just too old fashioned.

 

Scratch that. You are a man... right? How about at the end of the date you pick a time and a place for the next date and get her to agree to it. If she backs out later without rescheduling then you know she isn't very interested in you.

 

I pretty much close the deal at the end of every good date. You cannot be wishy washy or afraid of rejection!

[Johnson1]

Wait for them? I don't think so. I think a lot of women are like me...we let the guy ask us out initially. I'm not comfortable initiating dates until we have gone out for a while. Any time I did any pursuing initially in the past, it didn't work out so well.

 

I'm not talking about asking someone out on the first date. All the dates I've had I never had to do that. It was just mutual that we were attracted to each other and acted on it without formally asking anything.

 

I'm talking about after the initial meeting, making plans to do something together. I drop the hints that I'd like to hang out after the initial meeting because coming out and asking 'do you want to go to dinner?' two days after the first meeting always gets me shot down. The one's I've gone out with want to take things really slow. Too slow. Like watching paint dry. To the point where I don't think they give a crap. Going too slow is not necessary a good thing because if you're attracted to someone and that person doesn't reciprocate the feelings the magic wears off real fast. For me anyway. The way I see it, if a woman likes a guy enough to want to to out with him she should do just that, not play the aloof game. If I go out with someone I want to see them, fairly often. At least 4 days out of the week, not once every week and text 'hi, how ya doing' for 5 days after having a passionate makeout session in the beginning.

[robaday]

There's nothing wrong with wanting to see someone regularly, but in my experience most times ive dated someone we havent been monogamous until 3 months or so in, its just in recognition we both have our own lives. You might think your monogamous after the first date but those women probably dont.

 

When Im dating someone once or twice a week is fine for me for the first month or two - rushing into things doesnt work for me, it might for others but then others have different needs. I got a lot of stuff going on and in the first couple of months I dont really know the person all that well - so why drop everything for them? once I know them better Im more inclined to spend more time with them - someone who respects my life outside of them will get my respect and monogamy.

 

Personally after a first date I wouldnt expect to see that person again for another week nor try and line up a date straight away, people are busy these days and have other priorities. Better to have a look at whats on that week and schedule something cool instead. I phrase it - hey im going to check out xxxxxx if your around come along, that way theres no pressure, your already doing it.

 

I think four times a week after even a month is excessive! but thats just me, others may disagree. Its all about finding someone with the same needs as you - Ive driven exes insane cause ive wanted to take it "slow"

[Redhead14]

I'm not talking about asking someone out on the first date. All the dates I've had I never had to do that. It was just mutual that we were attracted to each other and acted on it without formally asking anything.

 

I'm talking about after the initial meeting, making plans to do something together. I drop the hints that I'd like to hang out after the initial meeting because coming out and asking 'do you want to go to dinner?' two days after the first meeting always gets me shot down. The one's I've gone out with want to take things really slow. Too slow. Like watching paint dry. To the point where I don't think they give a crap. Going too slow is not necessary a good thing because if you're attracted to someone and that person doesn't reciprocate the feelings the magic wears off real fast. For me anyway. The way I see it, if a woman likes a guy enough to want to to out with him she should do just that, not play the aloof game. If I go out with someone I want to see them, fairly often. At least 4 days out of the week, not once every week and text 'hi, how ya doing' for 5 days after having a passionate makeout session in the beginning.

 

Just realize this . . . you will ask many women out and the majority of them will not want to or not be clear about their interest in you. The ones that are clear about it are the ones you should pursue. Make another date at the end of the first date and with specififics. If they need to get back to you, they should do it by the next day, two at the outside. While you are waiting, ask someone else out.

[irc333]

Yeah.... I never do well with the social butterfly type as they are sp easily distracted. I was actually surprised one of them wound up married an she is still a social butterfly.

 

Says she gets lonely as she is a daytime bartender so puts up Facebook gathering where she works.

 

Anyway it also winds uo being a one sided situation as you really don't do anything for them as they see you as someone they see not because they like you , but only because they're bored

 

 

It seems the last 3 women I've dated (including the one I'm currently with whom I met on Saturday) have this take it or leave it attitude about getting together after the initial meeting (which is suppose to be the guys job, right?). I feel like I'm in pursuit trying to see them. I don't go overboard hounding them either. It was more like innuendo hinting that I would like to get together the next day or the day after.

 

All 3 liked me a lot and said they had a great time with me, but would wait for a week or days between before wanting to get together again. All play the 'aloof' game. 'Well maybe we can get together on Friday', 6 days after having such a great time. The first two started out either sexual or a lot of hugging and kissing.

 

I've noticed the one thing they all had in common was they are all social butterflies with tons of guy friends. I feel like seeing me is no big deal to them because I'm just one of many people they have in their life and they've been with so many guys and so used to being 'single' that they really don't want to get too close to anybody. Is that the case? Am I asking for too much too soon? I did recently come out of being in a 27 year marriage last December, so I will say that maybe yes, I am a little starved for affection, but I'm trying to play it as cool as possible because I don't want to come across as needy or desperate.

 

I think after the initial meeting no matter how hot and heavy I'm not going to bother trying to set up the next date or try to see them, but instead wait for them. Whattya think? Help me out here ladies. Thanks.

[Mrin]

"Atleast 4 days a week"... Oy vey!

 

I understand where you are coming from but that is a really unreasonable expectation for most people. Even if they don't have kids they have friends, activities, established routines. Again, your life post divorce is somewhat of a blank slate. The women you are dating, assuming they're not fresh out of divorce too, have full lives. Making room 4 days of the week for you, even if they wanted to, is logistically hard and not something they are apt to do for some guy they just met.

 

Let me offer some advice from a guy that was in your shoes not so long ago: you were in a 27 year marriage. You have zero idea right now as to who you really are. You're not the single guy you were before you got married and you're not the married guy any longer. You need to figure out who you are and build a life for you. Be comfortable being alone. Fill that life with activities and interests and friendships. Then invite someone into it.

 

I'm not saying forgo dating though - date often and a lot. But just date. Don't go looking for that every night type relationship right off the bat. In a sense you're retraining yourself because every night has been your life for the past 27 years. It is perfectly normal.

 

Best of luck!