bb1205 Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 I'm not sure if your last post is directed at me tiki but I'll give you my take on what happened. Not sure if you and my dumper were ever on the same wavelength but I think this'll be good either way. We went through a few weeks of this awkward fighting, unbearable tension stuff. I would be so so nice, but then I would say ONE thing and that's it the day was basically ruined because of my comment. He didn't want to talk on the phone, would half ass answer my texts, started to call me out on things he never did before. I basically became a nuisance to him. I wish I would've seen it earlier on but this was my first relationship, and this guy was literally my best friend so I thought it was just a rough patch we were going through. Finally though, I got to the point where just couldn't anymore and I had to break up with him. It sucked but it had to be done. I think he was shocked at first, because he pulled the victim card on me the next day. Telling me he would do anything for me, how upset he was with my decision, how regretful he felt basically typical dumpee talk. I told him that he needed to basically treat me better and I told him my decision wasn't something that I wanted to do but I had to do it. I made sure he knew it was VERY difficult for me. After a few days, I noticed he hadn't reached out, so I sent him another text, asking him how he was doing with everything. He was reserved in his responses, clearly hurt and not wanting to give me anything to work with. He stayed quiet and to himself over text. 2 weeks later I asked to speak on the phone, and he said he would call me only if it was to discuss the breakup and why I broke up with him. So he called, I laid out everything on the table for him. I told him i loved him very much, but the way he had been treating me just hurt too much and I couldn't do it, and that I was hesitant to get back together. He convinced me otherwise, told me he loved me more than anything and wanted to be with me, and that we should get back together. At the end of the call he said "I love you" and I got pretty emotional after we hung up and sent him a long text about all of my feelings for him blah blah. We agreed to meet the next day in person to talk it all out. Well the next day, he told me something had come up and he couldn't meet. 2 days later we arranged to meet. I was excited because I thought this would be a reconciliation meeting but boy was I wrong. Not sure what happened in those 2-3 days (friends opinions, parents opinions, ego, pride) ... but something clearly changed his mind as he pulled a 180 on me and broke up with me. I almost couldn't believe my ears because the last thing he told ME 3 days before was that he wanted to get back and that things would be better. I cried because I was basically an emotional mess at this point. I asked why, pleaded with him, it was honestly a huge mistake but again, this was my first breakup ever and I just had no idea how to handle it. He got a huge ego trip off of that, and nose dived into partying, going out every night with friends, drinking, etc. And so, fast forward 3 months and here we are in no contact. I've seen some signs on social media, and heard through the grape vine that NOW 3 months later, is when he is starting to miss me. 1
barky2 Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 A " cool down period" or NC is needed after any breakup. You need a clear head. There is no time limit to reconcile. Nor is there for NC. People get back together after 30 years without talking. I'm sure that made you antsy. The fact is, if you get back together too soon, it'll turn right back into the same relationship it was before....and it didn't work. You need time to step back, grow, realize mistakes and change. So Ya, myth debunked. Barky 1
jackinthebox1 Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 A " cool down period" or NC is needed after any breakup. You need a clear head. There is no time limit to reconcile. Nor is there for NC. People get back together after 30 years without talking. I'm sure that made you antsy. The fact is, if you get back together too soon, it'll turn right back into the same relationship it was before....and it didn't work. You need time to step back, grow, realize mistakes and change. So Ya, myth debunked. Barky Very true. Here is something i have wondered. Do you both need to be moved on to get back together? Does it have to be like a new relationship? People say that but it kinda never is, however long you have apart. I dont know what the magic time limit of NC is but iv always made sure i stay attractive and work on my life and at some point i've usually had another chance, wether thats on my radar or not. Sometimes its months, sometimes over a year
bb1205 Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 Speaking from my perspective, at first I hated hearing that from people because I only wanted him to come back, I didn't want him to move on at all. But the more that time went by, I started to see realize a lot of things that were going on in the relationship that actually justified the breakup happening (no matter who initiated it). The days are hard, but when you look back you can't believe how much time has passed. I think more than moving on, both people just need space and perspective. You cant be in that really emotional state that you're in a few weeks after a breakup, because nothing will work. Emotions are heightened you have way too much of an ALL OR NOTHING mentality. Even if you don't feel it, I promise it's there. This is so hard for me to type because I know when I was in your shoes time-wise, I could not stand people telling me what I'm telling you right now. So I'm sorry, I know this is really annoying to hear. After these last 3 months, although I haven't fully moved on, I can say that the space was so necessary (for me at least). It made me appreciate my value as a person and now I know as much as I love someone, be it my ex if he does return or someone else in the future, I can't give them 100% of my heart. I'll always reserve a little for me, so as to never experience this kind of pain again. So to answer your question, and this is only my opinion for situations like ours, you need to give each other space at this point because nothing will be solved in the near future. I remember reading that I had to go to the gym, get in shape, cut my hair, go out with friends, take lots of pictures, and that would make him turn around to look back and bring him running back. That may very well be the case in other kinds of breakups, but I don't think it rings true in our cases. Moving on is good, but so much easier said than done. Inevitably though, with enough time, and knowing you can't reach out bc you have to keep no contact, you'll kind of be forced to move somewhat on. The best thing that'll happen is that enough time she'll feel healed enough from the experience to come back, and at that point you can decide how to proceed. It's kind of empowering really 1
Author tikay00 Posted November 5, 2014 Author Posted November 5, 2014 I'm not sure if your last post is directed at me tiki but I'll give you my take on what happened. Not sure if you and my dumper were ever on the same wavelength but I think this'll be good either way. We went through a few weeks of this awkward fighting, unbearable tension stuff. I would be so so nice, but then I would say ONE thing and that's it the day was basically ruined because of my comment. He didn't want to talk on the phone, would half ass answer my texts, started to call me out on things he never did before. I basically became a nuisance to him. I wish I would've seen it earlier on but this was my first relationship, and this guy was literally my best friend so I thought it was just a rough patch we were going through. Finally though, I got to the point where just couldn't anymore and I had to break up with him. It sucked but it had to be done. I think he was shocked at first, because he pulled the victim card on me the next day. Telling me he would do anything for me, how upset he was with my decision, how regretful he felt basically typical dumpee talk. I told him that he needed to basically treat me better and I told him my decision wasn't something that I wanted to do but I had to do it. I made sure he knew it was VERY difficult for me. After a few days, I noticed he hadn't reached out, so I sent him another text, asking him how he was doing with everything. He was reserved in his responses, clearly hurt and not wanting to give me anything to work with. He stayed quiet and to himself over text. 2 weeks later I asked to speak on the phone, and he said he would call me only if it was to discuss the breakup and why I broke up with him. So he called, I laid out everything on the table for him. I told him i loved him very much, but the way he had been treating me just hurt too much and I couldn't do it, and that I was hesitant to get back together. He convinced me otherwise, told me he loved me more than anything and wanted to be with me, and that we should get back together. At the end of the call he said "I love you" and I got pretty emotional after we hung up and sent him a long text about all of my feelings for him blah blah. We agreed to meet the next day in person to talk it all out. Well the next day, he told me something had come up and he couldn't meet. 2 days later we arranged to meet. I was excited because I thought this would be a reconciliation meeting but boy was I wrong. Not sure what happened in those 2-3 days (friends opinions, parents opinions, ego, pride) ... but something clearly changed his mind as he pulled a 180 on me and broke up with me. I almost couldn't believe my ears because the last thing he told ME 3 days before was that he wanted to get back and that things would be better. I cried because I was basically an emotional mess at this point. I asked why, pleaded with him, it was honestly a huge mistake but again, this was my first breakup ever and I just had no idea how to handle it. He got a huge ego trip off of that, and nose dived into partying, going out every night with friends, drinking, etc. And so, fast forward 3 months and here we are in no contact. I've seen some signs on social media, and heard through the grape vine that NOW 3 months later, is when he is starting to miss me. Wow, that's a bizarre situation. I did the same thing he did, but she didn't really give me the absolute go ahead to reconcile. It was more of a prove it to me type of thing, and we'll see what happens. I got scared she was stringing me along, so I cut off contact. If I were in his shoes, I'd be with you right now, and loving it. Throughout your story, I felt you were the dumpee. Must have been brutal to dump him. I can tell you have a good head on your shoulders, and you're a legit good person. Trust me. Your karma points are racking up. Lol.
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