Why do they say it's too late after a certain period of NC?

[tikay00]

Someone told me it's too late to reconcile after a certain period of NC. Meaning, one side or both sides are over the relationship fully, and no point in talking? What does it mean? Both sides are doing NC, and neither pulls the trigger, so they figure it wasn't meant to be?

 

Can someone explain?

[d0nnivain]

NC doesn't have a time limit. It's forever except if you accidentally bump into the other person. It's not a cooling off period.

 

If you want to fix your relationship do so before somebody pulls the trigger & breaks it off.

 

If you break up you have to talk to reconcile.

 

Once you are broken up & not communicating it's over.

[tikay00]

NC doesn't have a time limit. It's forever except if you accidentally bump into the other person. It's not a cooling off period.

 

If you want to fix your relationship do so before somebody pulls the trigger & breaks it off.

 

If you break up you have to talk to reconcile.

 

Once you are broken up & not communicating it's over.

 

How can you talk and reconcile right after a break up? You NEED space between each other, otherwise it's way too early.

 

Why in the world would a dumper, dump someone, then talk it out with the person they dumped, when they planned on dumping them for so long? I know, a lot of "dumps" in that sentence.

[jbentley87]

So d0n are you saying that if you want to reconcile you have to make an attempt to contact? Obviously I still want that....

[d0nnivain]

You can't reconcile if you are not talking but that talk has to be concrete: how are the problems that drove you apart being resolved.

 

If the other person just "fell out of love" there is nothing to fix. It's just over.

[tikay00]

You can't reconcile if you are not talking but that talk has to be concrete: how are the problems that drove you apart being resolved.

 

If the other person just "fell out of love" there is nothing to fix. It's just over.

 

I'm talking about if the dumper didn't fall out of love, but was forced their hand, because of the dumpees actions.

 

If a dumper fell out of love, or cheated, this thread wouldn't have been made.

[d0nnivain]

How was the dumper's hand forced?

 

Nobody can make another person do something they don't want to do.

 

If this is a young relationship -- meaning the participants are not adults & the parents forced the dumper to break up with the other person once everybody is of age, I suppose reaching out years later is possible but it's unlikely to result in a reconciliation because they two people have grown & changed.

[tikay00]

How was the dumper's hand forced?

 

Nobody can make another person do something they don't want to do.

 

If this is a young relationship -- meaning the participants are not adults & the parents forced the dumper to break up with the other person once everybody is of age, I suppose reaching out years later is possible but it's unlikely to result in a reconciliation because they two people have grown & changed.

 

I'm 28, she's 23. Arguments, yelling, hanging up on the phone abruptly, taking her for granted, passive aggressive BS, and not showing her I loved her, but only telling her. The "I love you's" lost their meaning after a while, and I knew it.

 

And when I say forced their hand, I mean I was being a complete jack ass the days before the breakup. Passive aggressive stuff I'd usually do, like act cold on the phone at night, because I was annoyed with me having to talk the whole time, and her barely speaking (she's shy, and quiet, and has been since the beginning). Her calling me at night for our usual night time chats, and me saying "I'm gonna just browse the web for now", in the most passive aggressive tone there is for like 2-3 nights in a row. Just having a tone of general irritation, and kind of like resenting her a little bit towards the end.

Edited November 3, 2014 by tikay00

[dclan]

Forced hand would mean that the situation is not good. As in, for example dumper wants to get married, dumpee doesn't, so she "needs" to end the relationship, despite still having feelings for dumpee.

 

Tikay...the truth is that no one knows.

 

Because NC isn't like some sort of applied rule that you need to inforce. Its not like:

 

"OK from today november 3 2014, until september 2016 I won't be talking to her!!!!!"

 

Its just not talking to your ex gf, and thats it.

 

When you break up, usually the dumpee calls the dumper every day, sends texts, etc. While the dumper just ignores them, or replies with very short answers, as if he or she was uninterested in talking.

 

Like:

 

Dumpee:" Hey I miss you! How was your day?? What have you been doing?! Omg this hurts so much!!!!!!!!! How's school? Did you study for your exam?! I love you and will always love you foreverrrr and eveeeeer!!!!!"

 

Dumpers:"Yes, the exam went well, thnx"

 

So what is the point of talking to someone who is clearly, not interested in talking to you? Thats why you apply NC.

 

NC is just a way of not wasting your time.

 

There is also the offchance, that at some point the dumper will react to this stop of communication, and might contact you, just to see how you are doing...

 

Now, for the original title of the thread: NO, time doesn't matter. A dumper might return in 6 months, 1 year, 3 years, 10 years, a century (if u guys live that long), or whatever. It might happen,it might not.

 

The point is not to spend your days thinking when will they come back, but how you are dealing with your life.

 

Tikay you've been making a lot of posts latly, and I get, your hurting.

 

But trust me, it gets better. What you need to do is let go.

 

Let go of her.

 

Accept that right now there is nothing you can actually do to get her back, even if she decides to return one day, it won't be now, because now she is in the "relief" period of the break up.

 

If your paths are meant to cross again, they will, trust me.

 

Try to let go, accept the situation, and let go. Its the first step.

[d0nnivain]

As you have described the specifics, if the two of you had worked together while you were still a couple to address those issues you might have been able to save the relationship. Since you had neither the motivation nor the conflict resolution or communications skills to do that then, now that you are apart, stay that way.

[Seeker12]

As you have described the specifics, if the two of you had worked together while you were still a couple to address those issues you might have been able to save the relationship. Since you had neither the motivation nor the conflict resolution or communications skills to do that then, now that you are apart, stay that way.

 

Don, i was and am in a situation where family forced the hand, and against the wishes of both of us, we had to mutually break up, iv currently hit NC, as she wanted to stay friends, but it was hurting too much, and there was another marriage prospect in the picture who she was talking to. She didnt know what was set for the future, but neither could she commit to me and for us to try and figure out a way of dealing with the family, your advice?

Edited November 3, 2014 by Seeker12

[Sugarkane]

Because if the dumper wanted to fix it they should've. Years later you could be married to someone else.

[d0nnivain]

Don, i was and am in a situation where family forced the hand, and against the wishes of both of us, we had to mutually break up, iv currently hit NC, as she wanted to stay friends, but it was hurting too much, and there was another marriage prospect in the picture who she was talking to. She didnt know what was set for the future, but neither could she commit to me and for us to try and figure out a way of dealing with the family, your advice?

 

If you two are old enough to be considering marriage but family or cultural traditions are preventing that, unless she's strong enough to walk away from every thing she knows, you have to walk away from her.

 

Her new husband isn't going to want you around & why oh why would you like to inflict on yourself seeing her with him?

[Seeker12]

If you two are old enough to be considering marriage but family or cultural traditions are preventing that, unless she's strong enough to walk away from every thing she knows, you have to walk away from her.

 

Her new husband isn't going to want you around & why oh why would you like to inflict on yourself seeing her with him?

 

We sure were, well are, she is and was full steam ahead, but her family are deeply cultural like seriously. I doubt shes prepared to go through all of that heartache, because it literally is her having to walk away from everything, her parents wont have it basically at all, and bad things may also happen if we try pursue it.

 

Thats where im at Don, just walking away now, and that was the reason, i cant and wont stand seeing someone else with her.

[tikay00]

Forced hand would mean that the situation is not good. As in, for example dumper wants to get married, dumpee doesn't, so she "needs" to end the relationship, despite still having feelings for dumpee.

 

Tikay...the truth is that no one knows.

 

Because NC isn't like some sort of applied rule that you need to inforce. Its not like:

 

"OK from today november 3 2014, until september 2016 I won't be talking to her!!!!!"

 

Its just not talking to your ex gf, and thats it.

 

When you break up, usually the dumpee calls the dumper every day, sends texts, etc. While the dumper just ignores them, or replies with very short answers, as if he or she was uninterested in talking.

 

Like:

 

Dumpee:" Hey I miss you! How was your day?? What have you been doing?! Omg this hurts so much!!!!!!!!! How's school? Did you study for your exam?! I love you and will always love you foreverrrr and eveeeeer!!!!!"

 

Dumpers:"Yes, the exam went well, thnx"

 

So what is the point of talking to someone who is clearly, not interested in talking to you? Thats why you apply NC.

 

NC is just a way of not wasting your time.

 

There is also the offchance, that at some point the dumper will react to this stop of communication, and might contact you, just to see how you are doing...

 

Now, for the original title of the thread: NO, time doesn't matter. A dumper might return in 6 months, 1 year, 3 years, 10 years, a century (if u guys live that long), or whatever. It might happen,it might not.

 

The point is not to spend your days thinking when will they come back, but how you are dealing with your life.

 

Tikay you've been making a lot of posts latly, and I get, your hurting.

 

But trust me, it gets better. What you need to do is let go.

 

Let go of her.

 

Accept that right now there is nothing you can actually do to get her back, even if she decides to return one day, it won't be now, because now she is in the "relief" period of the break up.

 

If your paths are meant to cross again, they will, trust me.

 

Try to let go, accept the situation, and let go. Its the first step.

 

Trust me, this time with NC, I'm doing it the right way. NO MORE cyber stalking, and no more going through NC with the thought of her coming back, and missing me. Doing NC with the mind set of she's not coming back.

 

The problem is though, she wanted to talk, and kind of gave me 2 second chances, but I was so vulnerable at the time, I was reading a bunch of threads on here about bread crumbs, and stringing along, and we talked, and it wasn't one word answers, it was genuine interest, but then my paranoia got in the way from reading all the threads, and I said NC for me to heal, and I can't handle this right now.

 

Also, I messed up, and gave her an ultimatum on 2 separate occasions, because posters were telling me if she loves you, she'd be with you right now, and "I don't know right now" is a bread crumb. She actually said, "I'm still so scared of getting heart broken again". Come to find out, that's the absolute last thing you do, because you're not playing it cool, and basically coming off needy, and desperate, instead of being easy going, and just trying to show her what she loved about you in the first place.

 

In the end, I don't put blame on anyone, because what if I put all that time and effort in, and it ended up as nothing but her weening herself off of me, and her telling me, "I met a new guy, we can't talk anymore." That would kill me. I not only got strung along, but I lost all respect in her eyes.

 

My best route is NC, and let fate decide, BUT, I'm not going in with that mindset. I'm going in thinking fate has decided we're done, and we have to go on our separate paths, because no matter the situation, in the end, she broke up with me, and that says, "I don't want a romantic relationship anymore."

 

NC club. Not gonna succumb this time.

 

Also, the whole, "I don't want you out of my life" thing kind of made me regret going NC, but ah well. I can't chance my heart again in a 50/50 situation (really, it could've been a 100% make myself look stupid, and lose respect situation by staying in contact right after the breakup).

 

NC....

Edited November 4, 2014 by tikay00

[birdy1105]

My best route is NC, and let fate decide, BUT, I'm not going in with that mindset. I'm going in thinking fate has decided we're done, and we have to go on our separate paths, because no matter the situation, in the end, she broke up with me, and that says, "I don't want a romantic relationship anymore."

 

NC club. Not gonna succumb this time.

 

YES! This is what I need to do too More power to you, mate. I'm trying to squash any hope that comes up, myself. But so far it's proving to be like a bad whack-a-mole game.

[birdy1105]

On the Forced Hand issue: my breakup was like that, my ex seemed heartbroken but he believes it was the right thing to do. He's also particularly stubborn which is also the only reason I staved off additional begging since the breakup conversation.

 

If its indeed a Forced Hand but the two parties are still in love, what are the odds of reconciling?

Edited November 4, 2014 by birdy1105

[dclan]

On the Forced Hand issue: my breakup was like that, my ex seemed heartbroken but he believes it was the right thing to do. He's also particularly stubborn which is also the only reason I staved off additional begging since the breakup conversation.

 

If its indeed a Forced Hand but the two parties are still in love, what are the odds of reconciling?

 

Well depends...first of all will the situation change or not?

[birdy1105]

Well depends...first of all will the situation change or not?

 

The issue was lack of trust. He cheated twice during the early part of the RS, and even though he took genuine steps repair, I couldn't cope so he broke it off because it all just got to be too much. I guess he got fed up with trying too.

[tikay00]

YES! This is what I need to do too More power to you, mate. I'm trying to squash any hope that comes up, myself. But so far it's proving to be like a bad whack-a-mole game.

 

Oh man, tell me about it.

 

When you first go NC, it's pretty smooth, and a bit easy, because you just talked to your ex, and you think to yourself, "she'll miss me, and come back." And that's what makes it easy, because you're using NC to make her miss you, and the hope is there.

 

It's crazy hard when you're actually using it with the mindset to move on for good, and not for her to miss you, but with the thought that you and them will never be.

 

And let's be honest. No matter what anyone says, they have at least a 10% motivation to use NC for their ex to miss them. That's natural. I can acknowledge that. I just want to get to the stage where I get over her, and that thought doesn't cross my mind anymore.

[SoThatHappened]

You've been talkin' the talk, but not walkin' the walk for weeks, tikay.

 

I'm not saying this to come down on you at all man. I hope you realize this is a little tough love from someone who actually IMPLEMENTED NC and used it for it's main purpose: to heal.

 

I wholeheartedly agree with what you said about making the decision to go NC and it feeling right, but only because you just had communication with the ex.

 

It's easier to say "OK, that was the last communication I'm allowing. NC from now on."

 

Easier than actually not getting a single breadcrumb for weeks/months, and wanting to contact them so badly, and wanting them to contact you so badly.

 

That's when NC is tough, when some actual time of NC has passed. But, you'll eventually get to the other side.

 

I also agree that probably just about everyone initially uses NC in hopes to get an ex back. Like you said, that's natural.

 

But, like I mentioned before, NC is hard when you finally realize they might NOT be coming back. That's where it's hard. That realization hits, and it's probably the hardest part of the whole recovery.

 

Good news is, it's the final part of really moving on. The hurt may still be there, but the mind has finally realized it's over. Then, and only then, can you truly move on and eventually let go.

[bb1205]

Tikay,

 

I was in your girlfriend's situation a few months back with my boyfriend. He was so passive aggressive, snappy, starting arguments over stupid things, was always annoyed of me, it was absolutely miserable. I tried to be a sweet and kind as possible but finally I gave up and broke up with him. When I did, it was really hard for me because it was the furthest thing from what I wanted to do. I literally only did it because I thought his behavior would change. I gave it a few days before I reached out to him, but when I did, and we started talking about our relationship, the way he treated me, how much I really cared about him/thought about him, he took that ego trip and used it against me to basically re-dump me.

 

The reason I mention that is because I think maybe you may be dealing with a case of wanting what you can't have. All I'm saying is make sure that this is what you ACTUALLY want because if you were treating her the way you were, there must have been a reason behind it (be it lack of feelings, love, etc.) because if you really LOVED her you wouldn't have wanted to see her suffer in the first place.

[tikay00]

Tikay,

 

I was in your girlfriend's situation a few months back with my boyfriend. He was so passive aggressive, snappy, starting arguments over stupid things, was always annoyed of me, it was absolutely miserable. I tried to be a sweet and kind as possible but finally I gave up and broke up with him. When I did, it was really hard for me because it was the furthest thing from what I wanted to do. I literally only did it because I thought his behavior would change. I gave it a few days before I reached out to him, but when I did, and we started talking about our relationship, the way he treated me, how much I really cared about him/thought about him, he took that ego trip and used it against me to basically re-dump me.

 

The reason I mention that is because I think maybe you may be dealing with a case of wanting what you can't have. All I'm saying is make sure that this is what you ACTUALLY want because if you were treating her the way you were, there must have been a reason behind it (be it lack of feelings, love, etc.) because if you really LOVED her you wouldn't have wanted to see her suffer in the first place.

 

You're right. I know I love her, and a piece of me thinks I just want what I can't have. I'm using NC to clear my head, get over her, move on, but somewhere down the line I know I'll get my answer.

[tikay00]

You've been talkin' the talk, but not walkin' the walk for weeks, tikay.

 

I'm not saying this to come down on you at all man. I hope you realize this is a little tough love from someone who actually IMPLEMENTED NC and used it for it's main purpose: to heal.

 

I wholeheartedly agree with what you said about making the decision to go NC and it feeling right, but only because you just had communication with the ex.

 

It's easier to say "OK, that was the last communication I'm allowing. NC from now on."

 

Easier than actually not getting a single breadcrumb for weeks/months, and wanting to contact them so badly, and wanting them to contact you so badly.

 

That's when NC is tough, when some actual time of NC has passed. But, you'll eventually get to the other side.

 

I also agree that probably just about everyone initially uses NC in hopes to get an ex back. Like you said, that's natural.

 

But, like I mentioned before, NC is hard when you finally realize they might NOT be coming back. That's where it's hard. That realization hits, and it's probably the hardest part of the whole recovery.

 

Good news is, it's the final part of really moving on. The hurt may still be there, but the mind has finally realized it's over. Then, and only then, can you truly move on and eventually let go.

 

Yes, I have been talking the talk, but I'm in it for the long haul this time. I'm serious.

 

Of course, there's still that piece of me that still hopes, and wishes she misses me, but I know I'm not doing that this time, because I feel a different type of pain, and hopelesness.

 

I'm really in this for the long haul. No hopes (of course a little hope for now), but even with that little bit of hope, I'm not going to act on it.

[tikay00]

And a part of me thinks I love her, because she loved me so much. My heart feels the appreciation for her, and you're right, did I truly love her if I treated her that way?

 

But, I've accepted that we're just not compatible.

 

Oh, and just to let you know, she co tacted me, but I read too much about bread crumbs, and stringing along too much, and never really gave it a chance. Gave her ultimatums twice.

 

Looking back, it doesn't matter. I wasn't in a frame of mind to really talk to her the way I should have anyways, and I didn't want to be friend zoned, at all. That would've left me with no respect.

 

Did you call him for a chance for reconciliation?

Edited November 5, 2014 by tikay00