LittleDragon456 Posted November 3, 2014 Posted November 3, 2014 I'm a young woman who recently started college, so the world is a big new place for me. I never really had a real boyfriend before, but when I was in 11th grade, I promised myself no dating until I was 18. Here I am, finally of age and a few days ago I went on my very first date. It went really well. He brought me flowers, we ate lunch, he was going to buy mine, (but I insisted on paying for mine the first time), he held doors open for me, was very respectful, just a total gentleman. He never said anything that made me uncomfortable, which is rare these days. We had a lot to talk about, we agreed on pretty much everything we discussed, and we made each other laugh quiet a bit. Such a sweet and fun guy. There's just one issue. I am not physically attracted to him. I've never been one on appearances. If the person has a good heart, the exterior doesn't matter. But I also know how shallow society is, and having a significant other that is not attractive can lead to people thinking and even saying harsh words. We where in the restaurant and I could tell some women were intimidated by his appearance. You could just look at them and know what they were thinking. It made me angry, but I ignored it. His main problem is fixable, he just need surgery for it, and he told me before we met in person how badly he wants that issue fixed, and when he gets the money, he will fix it. It made me feel just terrible for him. I know it takes a lot for a man to point out his insecurities like that. He really is a sweetheart. I'm not so bothered by his appearance. I mean, yeah, if he got that issue fixed, I'd have no problem with him. I'm just upset by what people think. Even my parents tease about my older sister's 'ugly' ex boyfriends. I think this young man has a beautiful mind, heart and soul. I love the way he makes me laugh, I like the way he thinks, I like how he is hard working, and we're both compatible with our faith which is extremely important to both of us. I have been praying the past 6 months that God would bless me with a Christian husband that will cherish and protect me. It's way too early to determine if he is the one for me or not, but it just feels good that I'm closer to my goal. We're planning a second date soon... I'm very happy. I'm just scared of what people will think. I know if they see us together they will think "Ew! She's dating him?!" How do you deal with that? I'd feel awful to not see him because of this. That is so shallow, and I'm too interested in him to stop seeing him for something so vain. 1
elseaacych Posted November 3, 2014 Posted November 3, 2014 Physical attraction does play a great deal in romantic love. What really matters is the chemistry, and how well you get along. Physical attraction plays into chemistry because the underlying sensation of "I'd do him/her" (or, to the less experienced, some variation of that.) intermingles with your other thoughts and feelings and makes interacting more pleasurable, so you seek more of it. Sometimes the feeling is mutual, and you get lucky. But sometimes the balance is tipped in favor of the personality, you two just get along so well, that any flaws or shortcomings in appearance are suppressed. (Even so, you still have that underlying chemistry.) It's all up to you to determine your preferences and what kind of love you want to give and get. Yeah, it is shallow in a way. Attraction can be very shallow. Love, fostered and cared for, is not. Go with your gut. You are young, and have many opportunities to love and be loved. It's not the end of the world if you break something off because your needs are not getting met. You just have to deal with the consequences. Good luck!
Gloria25 Posted November 3, 2014 Posted November 3, 2014 Who cares what other people think... If you're attracted to him, that's all what matters.... I've had friends/family boo-hoo some guys I've dated. I've had some guys they go 'wow, he's beautiful'. Did I change my mind cuz of them, nope.... 1
Author LittleDragon456 Posted November 3, 2014 Author Posted November 3, 2014 Who cares what other people think... If you're attracted to him, that's all what matters.... I've had friends/family boo-hoo some guys I've dated. I've had some guys they go 'wow, he's beautiful'. Did I change my mind cuz of them, nope.... Good point
stillcold Posted November 3, 2014 Posted November 3, 2014 I'm a young woman who recently started college, so the world is a big new place for me. I never really had a real boyfriend before, but when I was in 11th grade, I promised myself no dating until I was 18. Here I am, finally of age and a few days ago I went on my very first date. It went really well. He brought me flowers, we ate lunch, he was going to buy mine, (but I insisted on paying for mine the first time), he held doors open for me, was very respectful, just a total gentleman. He never said anything that made me uncomfortable, which is rare these days. We had a lot to talk about, we agreed on pretty much everything we discussed, and we made each other laugh quiet a bit. Such a sweet and fun guy. There's just one issue. I am not physically attracted to him. I've never been one on appearances. If the person has a good heart, the exterior doesn't matter. But I also know how shallow society is, and having a significant other that is not attractive can lead to people thinking and even saying harsh words. We where in the restaurant and I could tell some women were intimidated by his appearance. You could just look at them and know what they were thinking. It made me angry, but I ignored it. His main problem is fixable, he just need surgery for it, and he told me before we met in person how badly he wants that issue fixed, and when he gets the money, he will fix it. It made me feel just terrible for him. I know it takes a lot for a man to point out his insecurities like that. He really is a sweetheart. I'm not so bothered by his appearance. I mean, yeah, if he got that issue fixed, I'd have no problem with him. I'm just upset by what people think. Even my parents tease about my older sister's 'ugly' ex boyfriends. I think this young man has a beautiful mind, heart and soul. I love the way he makes me laugh, I like the way he thinks, I like how he is hard working, and we're both compatible with our faith which is extremely important to both of us. I have been praying the past 6 months that God would bless me with a Christian husband that will cherish and protect me. It's way too early to determine if he is the one for me or not, but it just feels good that I'm closer to my goal. We're planning a second date soon... I'm very happy. I'm just scared of what people will think. I know if they see us together they will think "Ew! She's dating him?!" How do you deal with that? I'd feel awful to not see him because of this. That is so shallow, and I'm too interested in him to stop seeing him for something so vain. Hey there, fellow Christian here! It's great to see a sister in Christ on the forums after all this time! For overall dating inquiries, I do suggest that you check out boundless.org and go to their dating section as it is a site dedicated to Biblical dating and courtship. But in regard to your inquiry, physical attraction is needed and is something God designed so you cannot neglect it if it is not there. Sometimes in a relationship or when getting to know someone, their personality becomes our center of attraction for them and their looks become secondary, but overall some form of attraction is needed that physically draws you to them; whether it be their looks or personality, there must be something or else you are doing them an injustice and yourself. If you know you could never been romantically invested with him after one date then you should by all means break it off, but if you feel your feelings can develop for him then take it slow and be honest when the time comes. You are interested in his character and personality but if no attraction builds over time, no matter how good he is on paper, you should break it off. 1
d0nnivain Posted November 3, 2014 Posted November 3, 2014 Spend some time with a gorgeous jerk. You should come running back to this great guy. If you are not attracted to him that one thing but your whole post screams that you are more worried about what other people think of him & that is a problem. Look at him with your heart (through kindness) not just with your eyes.
Author LittleDragon456 Posted November 3, 2014 Author Posted November 3, 2014 I can see myself romantically invested in this man. Like I said, his issue is fixable and he wants it fixed, he just doesn't know when that can happen. What I'm concerned with is how people will see him in the meantime. His issue is his teeth. Other than that, he's pretty average looking. I just don't know what to do though. My heart says yes, but my mind says "what will people think?"
Dallers Posted November 3, 2014 Posted November 3, 2014 Spend some time with a gorgeous jerk. You should come running back to this great guy. If you are not attracted to him that one thing but your whole post screams that you are more worried about what other people think of him & that is a problem. Look at him with your heart (through kindness) not just with your eyes. As a pretty good looking jerk the above ^ poster is right. I look for quick flings and passion and go for attraction. I get the attractive girls and I have not had a serious relationship in the last 7 years. That says it all. I actually wish I could stop being the person I am and just settle for the average girl and be happy and find love but alas I am a Jack. A quality man is worth far more than me once the initial honeymoon period is over. My relationships with girls fade after about 8 weeks and I either walk away or they become one for the phone book and filthy late night messages and drunken phone calls. Follow your heart.
d0nnivain Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 I can see myself romantically invested in this man. Like I said, his issue is fixable and he wants it fixed, he just doesn't know when that can happen. What I'm concerned with is how people will see him in the meantime. His issue is his teeth. Other than that, he's pretty average looking. I just don't know what to do though. My heart says yes, but my mind says "what will people think?" If you are going to date somebody you should be their biggest supporter. Teeth are easy to fix. If you are unwilling to date someone not because you find their teeth repulsive but you are concerned that others might, you have issues.
sagetalk Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 Here I am, finally of age and a few days ago I went on my very first date. How do you deal with that? I'd feel awful to not see him because of this. That is so shallow, and I'm too interested in him to stop seeing him for something so vain. First of all, you are all over the map so take a deep breath and calm down. Your title says that you are not physically attracted to him, but your post makes it seem like the problem is with other people not being attracted to him. Which is it? The answer to that question is very important. If it's other people, then who cares. If it's you that isn't attracted to him, then you need to be extremely cautious. It is possible to fall for people just because you feel sorry for them. Make sure you are dating for the right reasons and think about both of you and not just his feelings. At 18 you are extremely young. I know Christian girls are often pressured into marrying young (I'm a Christian guy and have seen it far too often), but you have plenty of time. Keep praying to God for guidance, keep your parents involved in the process, and take it nice and slow. 1
stillcold Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 I can see myself romantically invested in this man. Like I said, his issue is fixable and he wants it fixed, he just doesn't know when that can happen. What I'm concerned with is how people will see him in the meantime. His issue is his teeth. Other than that, he's pretty average looking. I just don't know what to do though. My heart says yes, but my mind says "what will people think?" Herein lies your problem. To clarify, I am NOT saying that the opinion of your parents and family does not matter when it comes to your future spouse; it does and it highly matters as they may see red flags that you MAY not which will help you make the right choice and avoid marrying a disaster for life instead of a partner for life. So of course, seek the opinion and counsel of wise and experienced individuals, like your parents, rather than your friends. You should only care "what will people think" when you are evaluating a choice you have already made, you should not care "what will people think" in order to just simply make a choice unless that choice entails a serious or life decision and not something superficial as to "what will people think." You are dating him because you want to date him, and not because of others. You should seek the counsel of your parents and wise individuals at all times, but simply choosing not to date him because you are afraid what other people may think of his looks is superficial at best. I am not saying looks do not matter, looks do matter, but they should matter ONLY to you.
newmoon Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 it matters. people can say it doesn't. but how many of them are keen to date a 0 on a 1-10 scale. it is VERY hard to overcome that inside voice telling you that you could do better, or that people will talk, or laugh, etc. i have a man in my life that is a 0, he is blind in one eye and shorter than me and just ugly by almost all standards. i would give myself a 7 or 8 for looks, we are completely and totally mismatched. he treats me like a queen and always has. the problem is that i have a very difficult time allowing my mind to release what other people think. i avoid social situations with him and the activities we do are at home, alone, etc. i am embarrassed by him but LOVE his character. he is a 10 in that regard. but i don't think any amount of inside character can overpower what you need romantically, and that is attraction to your partner. if you don't have that you won't have it 'all' and you'll end up always being aware of those thoughts. my family and friends also make fun of this guy i see and it is hard. i stop them from continuing on, but you are judged by the company you keep. sad, but true. another example... we went to a show taping. the producer or whatever he was sat me in the third row. when he asked who i was with and i pointed out this guy he moved me to the back?! so... what did i assume? and was i right? that is how you are looked at and treated. it takes a very strong person to get past this stuff.
Author LittleDragon456 Posted November 4, 2014 Author Posted November 4, 2014 I'm an old soul. It's hard for me to make friends, much less get a boyfriend. I don't have a lot in common with people my age, but this guy is a rarity. We have good chemistry, and we're on the same level. I really would like a steady relationship with him, because I think he'd treat me right, and vice versa. I just don't know what other people would say.
sagetalk Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 I just don't know what other people would say. "I'm just not attracted to him" That is what your title says. I think their is more here than just what other people think. Be honest about your feelings, there is nothing wrong with not being attracted to someone. 1
Assasda Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 The title of the post doesnt match the message that the OP posted. - She sounds like she is attracted to this guy, she just sounds like she's afraid of what people might think of her. When you get older, youre going to realize, that you need to do what is right for you, and peoples thoughts shouldnt be a major player in your life
mariekatie Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 Looks play a part in attraction. But once you fell for him, you'll think he's perfect. I used to date a guy & everyone goes "you can do so much better" but i ignored them. In the beginning i was feeling the same way as you but slowly i loved him more than anything. In your case, he seems like an amazing guy and looks eventually will fade away as you age. 1
Diezel Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 I'm an old soul. It's hard for me to make friends, much less get a boyfriend. I don't have a lot in common with people my age, but this guy is a rarity. We have good chemistry, and we're on the same level. I really would like a steady relationship with him, because I think he'd treat me right, and vice versa. I just don't know what other people would say. So who is dating him... you or "other people"?
Redhead14 Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 I'm a young woman who recently started college, so the world is a big new place for me. I never really had a real boyfriend before, but when I was in 11th grade, I promised myself no dating until I was 18. Here I am, finally of age and a few days ago I went on my very first date. It went really well. He brought me flowers, we ate lunch, he was going to buy mine, (but I insisted on paying for mine the first time), he held doors open for me, was very respectful, just a total gentleman. He never said anything that made me uncomfortable, which is rare these days. We had a lot to talk about, we agreed on pretty much everything we discussed, and we made each other laugh quiet a bit. Such a sweet and fun guy. There's just one issue. I am not physically attracted to him. I've never been one on appearances. If the person has a good heart, the exterior doesn't matter. But I also know how shallow society is, and having a significant other that is not attractive can lead to people thinking and even saying harsh words. We where in the restaurant and I could tell some women were intimidated by his appearance. You could just look at them and know what they were thinking. It made me angry, but I ignored it. His main problem is fixable, he just need surgery for it, and he told me before we met in person how badly he wants that issue fixed, and when he gets the money, he will fix it. It made me feel just terrible for him. I know it takes a lot for a man to point out his insecurities like that. He really is a sweetheart. I'm not so bothered by his appearance. I mean, yeah, if he got that issue fixed, I'd have no problem with him. I'm just upset by what people think. Even my parents tease about my older sister's 'ugly' ex boyfriends. I think this young man has a beautiful mind, heart and soul. I love the way he makes me laugh, I like the way he thinks, I like how he is hard working, and we're both compatible with our faith which is extremely important to both of us. I have been praying the past 6 months that God would bless me with a Christian husband that will cherish and protect me. It's way too early to determine if he is the one for me or not, but it just feels good that I'm closer to my goal. We're planning a second date soon... I'm very happy. I'm just scared of what people will think. I know if they see us together they will think "Ew! She's dating him?!" How do you deal with that? I'd feel awful to not see him because of this. That is so shallow, and I'm too interested in him to stop seeing him for something so vain. Who cares what other people think! They are not living your life and they haven't seen him for who he is. You do what makes you happy PERIOD.
beach_girl Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 I was in a similar situation. I met a guy that shares my values regarding Christian faith, but I just didn't find him very attractive the first time I met him. He wasn't extremely bad-looking, but something just bothered me about his facial features. However, I couldn't picture myself not giving him a chance. And lo and behold, on our second date he has become the most attractive man I have ever set my eyes on. Give him a chance. You'll be amazed at how little such superficial issues matter when his personality just bowls you over :-) Wishing you all the best!
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