jj1 Posted November 3, 2014 Posted November 3, 2014 (edited) Hey all. Been with this girl for 3 years, lived together for two and did two ldrs for 1 year, we were friends before the relationship. I'm 28 and she is 25. This is my first real relationship. She decided to study abroad for 5 or 10 months and we figured no problem, we got this ldr business down. Yeah right three weeks later we have a bad skype session where she questions the relationship and i respond with anger. We agree not to call for a few days. A few days later I get an epiphany that i really want this to work, that i can't imagine my self with anyone else. I call her and make the speech, at some point she tells me we should see other people and get back together afterwards, she wants a replacement of me, stuff like that. I'm like what the f*** where is this coming from, i tell her i won't agree to it. At this point i'm convinced it's over and start to psych myself for it. A few days later on sunday(a week ago) after i had been partying my sorrows away she contacts me and tells she cheated on me after the skype session. I just completely lose my ****, i wish it had been all rage but it wasn't. The rage turned into apathy and after that the conversation was almost business like. Because we were ldr i had a deep need to express the hurt she has caused so i wrote all kinds of f***** up emails during the nights ranging from rage to desperation to understanding. She reveals all the details and i honestly believe she made a mistake and regrets it, i know i know i'm a sucker. It's just crazy i still don't want it to end, we had an amazing relationship. This **** completely threw me off, it's like my reality unraveled right then and there. I was actually vibing on the break up with tears in my eyes and a smile on my face but this **** has none of it. I'm just unstable from raged to needy. I wish i had gone no contact right after the revelation. During the phone call she basicly told all the things i wanted to hear, it felt good. Afterwards there has been none of it and the truth is i came off needy during the following week, i was hurt and just wanted to hear that **** again. Deep down i guess i want to get this fixed. Don't know if this can be ever fixed though. I've got plane tickets etc. to go visit her but eheh no point to that. I have so much trouble ending it because it's my first relationship and we were amazing together, loved her, yeah and i'm just broken now. Haven't slept at all, no food etc you know the drill. I need to sleep badly. We kind of did not speak about this ldr stint, i have no idea why. Complacency? I also have a very complicated situation in life with a lot of ambiguity and it was hard to express anything. A few months before leaving she tells me we should get engaged or married, kind of to motivate the ldr. I decline, i wasn't really considering the question just living the fear in my life at the time. I regret this. Now i see that during the last few months we both just feed each others doubt and fear. After reading this i seem f****** delusional with little to no self respect but like i said i'm not right in the head now. It's ridiculous i always thought i'd end it right away if someone cheats. Edited November 3, 2014 by jj1
GoBlue Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 I am sorry for the affair - that hurts very deeply. Everything else you have described is normal so please give yourself a break. The truth is the two of you have already been living like husband and wife for two years, so if you didn't feel anything and weren't all torn-up inside, it would reveal serious relational issues. There is nothing wrong with being in love and wanting to repair the damage - when both parties are willing to do the hard work necessary for reconciliation. It is pretty hard to work on reconciliation though when attempting a LDR. Have you sought the help of a counselor or Pastor maybe? There is never an excuse for cheating but there are always reasons why a partner chooses to go that way. Most women do not want to be a "live-in" on an ongoing basis when their partner shows no interest in marriage. I am truly sorry for your pain. I have been there myself. It is an unfortunate trait in men that we often have to be rocked deeply by an unforeseen event before we truly see the value of what we have. You know, the old saying, "we don't appreciate what we have until it's gone." My hope and prayer is that you two will look at your relationship honestly and land on the solid foundation of mutual commitment through marriage. Good luck! 1
Author jj1 Posted November 5, 2014 Author Posted November 5, 2014 I am sorry for the affair - that hurts very deeply. Everything else you have described is normal so please give yourself a break. The truth is the two of you have already been living like husband and wife for two years, so if you didn't feel anything and weren't all torn-up inside, it would reveal serious relational issues. There is nothing wrong with being in love and wanting to repair the damage - when both parties are willing to do the hard work necessary for reconciliation. It is pretty hard to work on reconciliation though when attempting a LDR. Have you sought the help of a counselor or Pastor maybe? There is never an excuse for cheating but there are always reasons why a partner chooses to go that way. Most women do not want to be a "live-in" on an ongoing basis when their partner shows no interest in marriage. I am truly sorry for your pain. I have been there myself. It is an unfortunate trait in men that we often have to be rocked deeply by an unforeseen event before we truly see the value of what we have. You know, the old saying, "we don't appreciate what we have until it's gone." My hope and prayer is that you two will look at your relationship honestly and land on the solid foundation of mutual commitment through marriage. Good luck! Hey man thanks i appreciate this.
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