OK_computer Posted November 3, 2014 Posted November 3, 2014 I find this emotion so different and interesting compared to the others we as dumpees/dumpers feel when we think about or interact with an ex-whatever. It's not like anger, or sadness, which is literally physical or mathematical..ie. you can pinpoint as to why you feel those things. Resentment is more like an accumulation of events, the sum total of a dilapidatd relationship. You cannot exactly say why you feel that bitterness, but you do. Does the resentment ever go away when dealing with an ex...or is just that chronic..irreversible..? I feel it is the final/mark of an ended relationship of a time past...what are your feelings about it?
loversquarrel Posted November 3, 2014 Posted November 3, 2014 I think resentment comes and stays around after a relationship has failed due to infidelity, or in any other way a partner may have been severely wronged or hurt. With me, it went away with time and turned to apathy. In a normal break up, I probably would not have felt the resentment I experienced. I can respect people who are honest with me, no matter how much it hurts...I just can't hold that against them.
me85 Posted November 3, 2014 Posted November 3, 2014 (edited) Depends on how badly someone gets hurt. I would have moved on a whole lot sooner if I didn't endure all that I endured. So I still harbor a fair amount of resentment, even now, 15 months later. But it only reaches the surface every now and then. It stays buried somewhere deep down, usually. Edited November 3, 2014 by me85 1
tikay00 Posted November 3, 2014 Posted November 3, 2014 Does resentment, and an attitude of trying to hate them prolong the healing process? I try to think of the negatives, and why we didn't work out, but am i stunting my progress in the long run?
me85 Posted November 3, 2014 Posted November 3, 2014 (edited) Does resentment, and an attitude of trying to hate them prolong the healing process? I try to think of the negatives, and why we didn't work out, but am i stunting my progress in the long run? You have to try not to think of them or anything about the RS at all. Not the good, nor the bad. It just takes time for memories and feelings to fade. Anger only gets you through so much for so long. And honestly, it isn't healthy for you. It creates stress in your body. Or it can anyway. The best thing to do is learn to redirect your thoughts. Tell yourself "What's done is done." Edited November 3, 2014 by me85 2
tikay00 Posted November 3, 2014 Posted November 3, 2014 You have to try not to think of them or anything about the RS at all. Not the good, nor the bad. It just takes time for memories and feelings to fade. Anger only gets you through so much for so long. And honestly, it isn't healthy for you. It creates stress in your body. Or it can anyway. The best thing to do is learn to redirect your thoughts. Tell yourself "What's done is done." It's hard, because once you picture their face, it's a positive, because they're so beautiful to you, then by redirecting that thought, your last thought of them was some beautiful creature that's an angel from Heaven. I feel like when I picture my exes face, I immediately think how pretty she is, but then I tell myself of all the annoying things she did, and all the arguments we had where she was being stubborn. It helps me, but I also don't want to always condition my brain to do that, because I don't want to end up hating her, and I don't want to end up stuck in the same place, because I hold that resentment.
me85 Posted November 3, 2014 Posted November 3, 2014 It's hard, because once you picture their face, it's a positive, because they're so beautiful to you, then by redirecting that thought, your last thought of them was some beautiful creature that's an angel from Heaven. I feel like when I picture my exes face, I immediately think how pretty she is, but then I tell myself of all the annoying things she did, and all the arguments we had where she was being stubborn. It helps me, but I also don't want to always condition my brain to do that, because I don't want to end up hating her, and I don't want to end up stuck in the same place, because I hold that resentment. I know what you mean. I can't help that I still think of my ex. I'm sure I won't fully get over him until I fall in love with someone else. I don't hate my ex but I do hate all the things he did to me. He's in another RS and honestly, I do not care one bit. I do feel resentment towards him still, though. Because he really truly devastated me. He caused so much emotional damage that I will never fully heal from. No matter how happy I am in life. Wounds heal but scars are visible forever. How long have you been BU with your ex?
tikay00 Posted November 3, 2014 Posted November 3, 2014 I know what you mean. I can't help that I still think of my ex. I'm sure I won't fully get over him until I fall in love with someone else. I don't hate my ex but I do hate all the things he did to me. He's in another RS and honestly, I do not care one bit. I do feel resentment towards him still, though. Because he really truly devastated me. He caused so much emotional damage that I will never fully heal from. No matter how happy I am in life. Wounds heal but scars are visible forever. How long have you been BU with your ex? I heard that that before, and I feel like that's true. You can't fully get over them until you're in LOVE, and not in any old relationship. Sorry to hear that. How long has it been for you? Little over a month. Been 13 days since last contact.
Sugarkane Posted November 3, 2014 Posted November 3, 2014 It's hard to remember how much you loved and cared for them. Now I just think that's the jerk I dated back in such and such, who gets off on hurting people.
lil hoodlum Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 It's hard, because once you picture their face, it's a positive, because they're so beautiful to you, then by redirecting that thought, your last thought of them was some beautiful creature that's an angel from Heaven. I feel like when I picture my exes face, I immediately think how pretty she is, but then I tell myself of all the annoying things she did, and all the arguments we had where she was being stubborn. It helps me, but I also don't want to always condition my brain to do that, because I don't want to end up hating her, and I don't want to end up stuck in the same place, because I hold that resentment. Just curious, you say that you don't want to end up hating her, why? Do you think she is trying hard to maintain any good/positive feeling about you? I think you really need to quit focusing so much about your ex and start focusing more about yourself. It is hard to let go sometimes, I get that, but you can take the long road or short road in letting go of your ex.
tikay00 Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 Just curious, you say that you don't want to end up hating her, why? Do you think she is trying hard to maintain any good/positive feeling about you? I think you really need to quit focusing so much about your ex and start focusing more about yourself. It is hard to let go sometimes, I get that, but you can take the long road or short road in letting go of your ex. I know. Trust me I know I have to do this for myself. It's the scariest feeling on this planet that someone you thought would always be there will have to never be there for you to heal, and move on. It's that feeling where they exist in this planet, and they're living their life, and walking this Earth, but you guys can't be again. Of course, that's if they never contact you again. And yeah, I know this if the fresh from breakup feelz, but just venting. I'm going in this for me, and without hope or expectations, and it's HARD, but I'm doing it, and not looking back. I've felt those rare moments during the day where you really do feel the positive energy, and can cope without them being there. It's the rest of the day that keeps making it hard. At least I've felt the epiphany moments here and there, so I know it exists, and it will be permanent one day. I cant' wait for that day! But right now, it's like, "holy crap, I'm gonna live the rest of my life without the person I love with all my heart, and spent the most intimate times with. Possibly not even as friends."
Author OK_computer Posted November 4, 2014 Author Posted November 4, 2014 I know. Trust me I know I have to do this for myself. It's the scariest feeling on this planet that someone you thought would always be there will have to never be there for you to heal, and move on. It's that feeling where they exist in this planet, and they're living their life, and walking this Earth, but you guys can't be again. Of course, that's if they never contact you again. And yeah, I know this if the fresh from breakup feelz, but just venting. I'm going in this for me, and without hope or expectations, and it's HARD, but I'm doing it, and not looking back. I've felt those rare moments during the day where you really do feel the positive energy, and can cope without them being there. It's the rest of the day that keeps making it hard. At least I've felt the epiphany moments here and there, so I know it exists, and it will be permanent one day. I cant' wait for that day! But right now, it's like, "holy crap, I'm gonna live the rest of my life without the person I love with all my heart, and spent the most intimate times with. Possibly not even as friends." I've felt the same exact thing. I tried to rush my healing so I can be friends again, just to realize i was never ready, and most probably never will be ready in the time I see her around college, after which i'll never see her again. It's really sad, it's pathetic, but necessary nonetheless. I realize that though I wanted to be friends so earnestly, that I still harboured 2 things: 1. Feelings of affection and love towards her 2. Feelings of resentment, which were a two way street. The thing is, though we do miss each other (maybe to variable levels), we resent each other the same amout or even more so? But why does that happen? Why do people miss and resent each other at the same time? But "I already know how it will end" if i ever go back to her, b/c after years of fights, I just know...that the resentment is like a cancer, it's spreading, growing...and 'things can never be the same and we can never be friends" those were her last words to me, and for the first time in 3 years...I agreed with her on one thing..atleast. sad really.
tikay00 Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 I've felt the same exact thing. I tried to rush my healing so I can be friends again, just to realize i was never ready, and most probably never will be ready in the time I see her around college, after which i'll never see her again. It's really sad, it's pathetic, but necessary nonetheless. I realize that though I wanted to be friends so earnestly, that I still harboured 2 things: 1. Feelings of affection and love towards her 2. Feelings of resentment, which were a two way street. The thing is, though we do miss each other (maybe to variable levels), we resent each other the same amout or even more so? But why does that happen? Why do people miss and resent each other at the same time? But "I already know how it will end" if i ever go back to her, b/c after years of fights, I just know...that the resentment is like a cancer, it's spreading, growing...and 'things can never be the same and we can never be friends" those were her last words to me, and for the first time in 3 years...I agreed with her on one thing..atleast. sad really. OK, emotions brought up after reading this lol. Obviously I'm the stage where I'd do anything to get her back, but I'm also at that stage where I'd love to at least have her in my corner, and be someone I can count on when the chips are down. Not in the romantic way, but a legit friend. After I fully heal. She is a sweet, kind, meek, and humble girl. I just don't want to be one person on this earth that she resents or someone that she could never ever associate with again. That's SCARY! I also acknowledge that just like you, I might realize one day, that she's one person on this planet that I just can't be friends with, because of our past, and memories. 1
lil hoodlum Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 I know. Trust me I know I have to do this for myself. It's the scariest feeling on this planet that someone you thought would always be there will have to never be there for you to heal, and move on. It's that feeling where they exist in this planet, and they're living their life, and walking this Earth, but you guys can't be again. Of course, that's if they never contact you again. And yeah, I know this if the fresh from breakup feelz, but just venting. I'm going in this for me, and without hope or expectations, and it's HARD, but I'm doing it, and not looking back. I've felt those rare moments during the day where you really do feel the positive energy, and can cope without them being there. It's the rest of the day that keeps making it hard. At least I've felt the epiphany moments here and there, so I know it exists, and it will be permanent one day. I cant' wait for that day! But right now, it's like, "holy crap, I'm gonna live the rest of my life without the person I love with all my heart, and spent the most intimate times with. Possibly not even as friends." I get and understand that your breakup was fairly recent so it is understandable that you go through a range of emotions. I see you as trying to tenderheartily handle your ex with little kid gloves. WAKE UP MAN! She kicked you to the curb. She no longer wants you in her life! You need to start doing the same thing and start ecouraging those feelings that will set you down the same path of killing that love for her off. Maybe the sooner you kill this love, the sooner you can make room for someone better in your heart. PURGE THESE LOVEY FEELINGS FOR YOUR EX. Throw them into the toilet and flush them away like she flushed you away. Stand up for yourself. Make her leaving you one of the biggest regrets of her life.
BC1980 Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 I think it depends on the circumstances. I know that I felt a deep sense of betrayal and like my trust had been abused. So I definitely still feel resentment. My first two exes, I feel no resentment and never felt very much because they were always honest with me. Feelings were hurt when it ended, and it took me time to move on. But I never felt that deep resentment that you feel when your trust has been abused. I wonder if it ever goes away. Maybe it just stays buried, and you end up moving onto, so you aren't thinking about it as much. On a daily, basis, I'm not sitting around resentful. I'm not stewing over what happened, but, if something triggers my memory, I do feel resentment. It passes quickly now, but, at one point, it seemed all consuming. I would think of him constantly, like I could never escape it. 1
BC1980 Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 I've felt the same exact thing. I tried to rush my healing so I can be friends again, just to realize i was never ready, and most probably never will be ready in the time I see her around college, after which i'll never see her again. It's really sad, it's pathetic, but necessary nonetheless. I realize that though I wanted to be friends so earnestly, that I still harboured 2 things: 1. Feelings of affection and love towards her 2. Feelings of resentment, which were a two way street. The thing is, though we do miss each other (maybe to variable levels), we resent each other the same amout or even more so? But why does that happen? Why do people miss and resent each other at the same time? But "I already know how it will end" if i ever go back to her, b/c after years of fights, I just know...that the resentment is like a cancer, it's spreading, growing...and 'things can never be the same and we can never be friends" those were her last words to me, and for the first time in 3 years...I agreed with her on one thing..atleast. sad really. You end up feeling such resentment because you love(d) her so much. Otherwise, you wouldn't care very much. If some random person walked up to me and said something mean, I wouldn't care too much because I don't love the person. I'm not invested emotionally, so I would move on from it. With the same depth that you love someone, you are also vulnerable to them hurting you to that same depth. 2
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