Love bomb Posted November 3, 2014 Posted November 3, 2014 I came out of a relationship about 2 months ago and I just cannot get her out of my head. I have been through difficult breakups before but this one has totally broken me. We met through a dating application and dated each other for just 9 weeks but the effect the relationship had on me was quite profound. She is a psychologist by profession and works in Jails with dangerous offenders. I was a bit cautious around her initially because I have suffered from a whole array of mental health difficulties throughout the majority of my adult life, and I was slightly suspicious of her interest in me. From the very start the relationship was quite volatile, we were both drinking quite heavily on almost all occasions that we were with each other. I am a problem drinker so my drinking quickly escalates from normal social drinking to drinking to oblivion so I was blacking out quite frequently. She was always asking me alot of questions about how I was feeling and get my to volunteer personal information. She wanted to know how many sexual partners I had. And she would tell stories about her own family that I felt were a way of steering me onto a subject that she wanted me to talk about. All the time I felt she was learning about me and trying to understand me and push my buttons. About 3 or 4 weeks in I received a text from another girl whilst I was out for a meal with her and I had to leave the room because she could see the text and I immediately felt this enormous sense of guilt. I had asked this other girl out for a drink since I felt for having asked this other girl out for a drink whilst i was dating the psychologist. An extremely awkward conversation followed but I reassured her that I was only interested in pursuing a relationship with her (the truth) and that I had contacted this girl out of insecurity because I felt she was starting to lose interest. She was eventually satisfied that it was just a blip and that we could move past it. So the relationship continued for several more weeks but I was beginning to find aspects of her personality quite alarming. It was almost as if there was 2 very distinctly different sides to her. On the one hand she could be very sweet, vulnerable and charming and on the flipside she could be very cruel dispassionate and blunt. She would frequently lock me out of the house because I was smoking outside and forgetting to lock the doors, instead of asking me to lock them she would just lock me out. It was really starting to upset me and piss me off and she was also making a lot of snipey remarks and putting me down a lot. She would then start openly questioning our compatibility, she felt I was very sensitive and that it was making her feel like a bully. I was beginning to suspect that all of the above behaviour was some kind of tactics she was using to debilitate me. There was something a bit cunning about the timing of her attacks. She knew exactly which buttons to press in order to upset me and i felt like it was a deliberate attempt to unravel me completely. On one morning we were bickering in her kitchen and Instead of allowing it to annoy me I was just deflecting it. Sensing that I was putting up some resistance to her **** she chose that time to confront me about my smoking. She gave me an ultimatum to give up smoking essentially otherwise she couldn't see a future to the relationship. It felt very much like she was kicking out one of my crutches and quite manipulative way of getting what she wanted. I said that she would be disappointed if she was going to give me ultimatums to which she commented almost to herself "its stronger than I thought" I leave the house that morning and resolve that Im going to attempt up give up smoking for her. At this point Im a ****ing emotional mess, she's prodding a poking at me taking away all of my habits. On one evening feeling particularly low I decide to call her up on the phone. I have a panic attack when trying to speak to her. Which immediately sets off some kind of downward spiral. I start drinking heavily and downing pints of beer. I text her to tell to apologise for ending the conversation and tell her that I have been struggling with anxiety/depression. She tries to comfort me and tells me to jump on the next train to see her which I do. By the time I get there Im a ****ing mess, I can scarcely remember what happens next because I blackout, but I recall her saying something about not knowing who I am. The following morning she says she wants to break up and that I need to "sort myself out". She appears to have no compassion for me at all and deals with the situation in a way that I felt was very cold. She has her back turned to me and is doing her makeup and scarcely turns to look at me. At that moment my world just caves in on itself and for the weeks following I lost my mind completely. I go cold turkey on the drinking which causes terrible withdrawal symptoms....horrific night terrors, sleepless nights, waking up sweating and shaking. I can barely leave the house. All the time I'm sending her multiple messages on facebook to try and make sense of what had been going on in the relationship. At first she responds saying she was trying to learn about me and that she wanted to help me with my relationships, she said she would be friends and would support me through the breakup. Im ****ing pissed of with her though because I feel like she has just pulled the wool over my eyes and messed around with my head so I start accusing her of being emotionally abusive and cold. We have a brief phone conversation and at one point she tells me she see's people like me in her job. Bearing in mind she is working in secure units with murderers and serious offenders im finding this all very upsetting. She eventually stops responding to my messages but wont block me. In the weeks after that I check into a rehab program to try and get myself together which has been helping to some extent but im just constantly trying to make sense of the relationship and replaying the events of the breakup and weeks that led up to it. In a weird way I feel a very intense mixture or hatred and love for her. She left me with a whole load of unsolved riddles and part of me wishes that I could have accepted the offer of friendship when it was there so that I could get to the bottom of what her intentions were. I also have a feeling that something significant was said on the evening before the break up but I just cannot remember. Just depressed and confused. Feeling like this is going to take me a long long time to recover from.
ExpatInItaly Posted November 3, 2014 Posted November 3, 2014 I'm sorry for your pain, OP. It's clear that this short relationship has affected you deeply. Kudos to you for recognizing you're an alcoholic and seeking treatment. That's a huge step that many in your position never take, so you're already on a path to healing. Do you have someone or a support group you can speak to about your struggles? I think this woman needs to stay out of your life. You're not a healthy match together, and there were far too many problems for such a young relationship. This points to a deeper incompatibility. I would not advise being friends with her, as I don't see how you stand to gain from that. You may never get the answers you're looking for with regards to the break-up/her intentions in the relationship. And you'll have to learn to accept that. Many of us are in the same boat. Look at it as an experience and ask yourself what you can learn from him. It wasn't going to work out anyway, by the sounds of it, so it's a chance for you to reflect on what you can do differently next time. I wouldn't get into a relationship again until you're in a healthier place, though. 1
Author Love bomb Posted November 3, 2014 Author Posted November 3, 2014 @Expat Thanks mate, appreciate you're input. I think that is what bothers me the most is that it may end up being unresolved for the long term. I just have so many questions that Im having difficulty letting go of. Up till now I had held on to her contact information and had been checking in on social networks to keep tabs on her but I realised this was fuelling some unhealthy obsessions so I have removed those links back to her which was a very painful process of letting go. Sigh.... I almost wish I had never met her, the experience has tortured me.
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