GypsyHeart83 Posted November 3, 2014 Posted November 3, 2014 I can't believe I've found myself back here at these forums.. AGAIN. I've been in a very passionate A with a MM for almost 2 years. Being with him has been like nothing I've ever experienced.. the passion, the love, the physical connection. What I can't seem to take anymore (and I don't think he can either) is the constant emotional roller coaster that we keep going through. When it's good, it's great. But almost without fail, he'll end up doing something (usually unintentionally) that triggers some hurt inside of me, and in my anger, I'll muster the courage to try and end it. Then, we'll go a week or two without speaking to each other, then one of us (sometimes him, sometimes me) will write "I miss you", and it starts the whole cycle all over again. My logical side, my pride knows that this is not healthy, nor good for either of us. He's stated honestly that he can't leave his wife at the moment, so it's not like he's "stringing me along". So why can't I let him go? The only thing that hurts more than feeling unappreciated, is the thought of never seeing/talking to him again. That absolutely breaks my heart.. and I can't seem to get passed it. Every time we break up, I try to reach out, stay busy, read articles on how to cope, and right when it seems like I'll be able to make it out of the well.. he messages and I jump head first right back in. Has anyone else been a similar situation? What was it that finally made you stick with NC and moving on?
Lady2163 Posted November 3, 2014 Posted November 3, 2014 You're human and rejection sucks. You reject each other, can't stand that and then want the feeling to go away, I got to a pointy where I woke up and knew that I cared about him enough to not ruin everything he has worked for in his life for 45 years. While I believe he wouldn't commit suicide if we had been caught, his life would be nothing. No job, no love from kids, no social connections maintained, drummed out of his much loved profession, loss of material possessions, etc. I couldn't be responsible for that. I never claimed to feel romantic love for him, but I'm pretty sure that choice I made was based on some form of human love.
Decisiontomake Posted November 3, 2014 Posted November 3, 2014 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/499754-what-made-u-forget-about-get-over-x-ap Some answers in this thread, including my own, might help you. It's hard to let go. Really hard. My exMM was also always honest about not being able to leave. I thought that would change as his feelings for mew grew. It didn't. It's a bitter pill to swallow but you are wasting your time. Try and find the strength x
whichwayisup Posted November 3, 2014 Posted November 3, 2014 he'll end up doing something (usually unintentionally) that triggers some hurt inside of me, and in my anger What kind of stuff does he do/say that upsets you so much and triggers you? Go read the articles on baggage reclaim. If you want your A over, be strong and accept that you're gonna hurt for a while, but don't let fear of the unknown, fear of pain, fear of letting go and not having him in your life prevent you from really trying hard to end it once and for all. Just think, it'll be the 'final' pain. Grieving. Not such a roller coaster ride like you're on now. You'll eventually be free and be able to live life without the stress of having an affair with a MM. You'll be free to do what you want, when you want and date whomever (single guys!) that aren't pitting you as second fiddle and will make you their first priority. You'll have a chance at marriage with someone who can give you more than what MM can offer you. A family life, children of your own.
FusionCutter Posted November 3, 2014 Posted November 3, 2014 (edited) I can't believe I've found myself back here at these forums.. AGAIN. I've been in a very passionate A with a MM for almost 2 years. Being with him has been like nothing I've ever experienced.. the passion, the love, the physical connection. What I can't seem to take anymore (and I don't think he can either) is the constant emotional roller coaster that we keep going through. When it's good, it's great. But almost without fail, he'll end up doing something (usually unintentionally) that triggers some hurt inside of me, and in my anger, I'll muster the courage to try and end it. Then, we'll go a week or two without speaking to each other, then one of us (sometimes him, sometimes me) will write "I miss you", and it starts the whole cycle all over again. My logical side, my pride knows that this is not healthy, nor good for either of us. He's stated honestly that he can't leave his wife at the moment, so it's not like he's "stringing me along". So why can't I let him go? The only thing that hurts more than feeling unappreciated, is the thought of never seeing/talking to him again. That absolutely breaks my heart.. and I can't seem to get passed it. Every time we break up, I try to reach out, stay busy, read articles on how to cope, and right when it seems like I'll be able to make it out of the well.. he messages and I jump head first right back in. Has anyone else been a similar situation? What was it that finally made you stick with NC and moving on? As for your question if anyone has been in a similar situation, you have to understand that many many many people have been in the same situation as you. It's very difficult to move on from someone that you care about so much. Because ending it would be highly a natural because your feelings are not complete and your heart is not satisfied. I spent a lot of money and time thinking about things to finally realize a few conclusions. I've have helped two friends out of their own affairs and it always seems to be a pattern. You have to realize that the married person is unable to be responsible for your happiness. Only you are responsible for your own happiness. You have to take accountability for your own actions. You're married man is a selfish man. You have to see it for what it is. Don't let him cloud your judgment. There's no such thing as good honest cheating. If he wanted the best thing for his wife and yourself, he would take the liberty to do things right. But he's not obviously. He hasn't done the right thing for two years. You can do the right thing by leaving the situation. He doesn't truly care about the emotional outcome for either of you. Could you imagine being stuck in the situation for five years, 10 years? Is that a good way to live? Do you want to live like that? I don't think so. You're wasting precious time. The math doesn't add up. He's giving you half of himself and he's giving half of himself to his wife. Meanwhile, he has two full women that are giving him everything. And one of them is getting really really screwed. The one he married. You have to learn the art of letting go. You can either let go in hatred, or let go in love. If you really care about him, did you see that letting him go is the best possible thing that you can do for himself and his family. You also have to see that your own actions have been harmful to him and his family. Take accountability for your own actions and leave the situation.. You probably feel that you can't leave him because you are afraid that you can't find the same kind of feelings with someone else ever again. You have to trust that this is nonsense. He Already told you that he wasn't leaving. Take this to heart. As long as you're still tangled up in this mess, your heart will never be right and you'll never be able to meet someone who's actually able to give you everything. Don't you deserve that? Don't you deserve a man that will only wants to sleep with you? Don't you want someone that you can see on a moments notice instead of planning a sneaky meet up behind someone's back? Sometimes if you really care about someone you have to let them go. You have to try to talk badly of him and think of the situation fondly. It's actions have been not good for you or your happiness, only you can make that change to improve your own life. He's clearly not willing to do that for you. Try to see the whole thing as a learning experience. It's not going to be easy. But if you step back and take a look at the situation, you will see that you once had a life without Him. You can return to that life. You can also see that that is the best possible thing for him. You being in his life clouds his judgment for the right thing to do. Stop interfering any further in his marriage and really believe him when he told you he can't leave. You need to move on with your own life without him otherwise you were living in a holding pattern waiting for his interactions with you. It's no fun to be in love with someone that can't be with you. If you care about and all of his wife, you'll do the right thing and walk away. Try to seek help if you need it, leaving it will be one of the hardest things to do. It takes courage. It's a lot easier if you try to view this person as a bad person, for doing this to his innocent wife. Stop defending him and making excuses for his bad behavior. You were also engaging in behavior. It's really simple. If a man wants to be with a woman, he will do anything in his power to do it. If he's confused about you and you genuinely feel this way, the most loving, compassionate, and best thing that you do for yourself and him is to leave it. Good luck. Now, give me a reason why you should stay another day in this mess and feel like you are. I want to believe that you're a good person. You can prove it by leaving him. Edited November 3, 2014 by FusionCutter 1
Poppy47 Posted November 3, 2014 Posted November 3, 2014 Yes I have been exactly where you keep going. He has told you he's not leaving.... believe it and do yourself the favour of walking away. Otherwise, your life will become a series of disappointments and emotional frustrations. I actually hated xMM at times because he was unable to be with me. It's an unhealthy dysfunctional way to live. It will make your life miserable in so many ways if you stay. You are denying yourself possibilities and "normal". I had 3 lengthy periods of time in the A over 6 years. One day I had a car accident and was in hospital. As I am alone in the world, I texted MM. He couldn't come because his wife wanted him to watch the tennis on TV. I believe what he said but it put everything into perspective for me. It would always be the same. He would never be able to get away and support me the way I deserve. I went NC a little while after that and had some counselling. I have not had any contact, not even a peek at his FB page. It's a commitment to myself that won't be broken. Hope you can do the same. Poppy. 1
nikki76 Posted November 3, 2014 Posted November 3, 2014 Go read the articles on baggage reclaim. May I ask, what is baggage reclaim? Thanks
sunburned Posted November 3, 2014 Posted November 3, 2014 May I ask, what is baggage reclaim? Thanks Nikki, it's a web site designed to help readers disengage from toxic relationships, including affairs. Loads of free articles and some online books for a nominal cost. Written in a very friendly, best girlfriend kind of way. You should definitely check it out. You (and the OP and anyone looking to exit an affair) should also visit GoAskSuzie.com - The Leading Expert on Overcoming Infidelity. Again, while she does sell downloads and phone sessions, there are many, many free and helpful articles on the site. I've learned a lot from both without paying for a thing. OP, it's like people addicted to drugs but are afraid of the painful but fairly brief withdrawal period to get unhooked. So, instead they keep abusing because they are afraid of a few weeks or months of "pain." When they start to feel pain, they reach back for their drug of choice. HE is YOUR drug. You need to break that cycle. I could not say it any better than Fusion Cutter. Read her reply over and over. He's not motivated to walk away, he has the best of both worlds. He is acting in his best interest only. If 83 is your birth year, you're 30/31. It's possibly the WORST time to be frittering away the years. If you want marriage and a family (kids), now is the time to start dating like you mean it -- though a brief break is certainly in order to recover from MM. 1
FusionCutter Posted November 3, 2014 Posted November 3, 2014 I could not say it any better than Fusion Cutter. Read her reply over and over. He's not motivated to walk away, he has the best of both worlds. He is acting in his best interest only. If 83 is your birth year, you're 30/31. It's possibly the WORST time to be frittering away the years. If you want marriage and a family (kids), now is the time to start dating like you mean it -- though a brief break is certainly in order to recover from MM. I'm actually a dude. I had my own very rough experience and it was a really bad time of my life. Still haunts and greatly affects me to this day, and I just want to help as many people as I can. I've done my own bad things in my life by getting involved when I shouldn't have, but somehow, I think that if I can help people out, that's my way of redeeming myself a little. 1
Be_Strong Posted November 3, 2014 Posted November 3, 2014 You need to treat the affair like an addiction. When you are having a "strong" moment (for example at the beginning of NC) you need to make preparations and build up your defenses to protect you from yourself when you have a "weak" moment. So, if you have been weak in the past and reeled back in with a text message from MM, make sure you block his texts so that you cannot be tempted. Better yet, change your phone number. Change your email address. Plan out any possible way he might contact you and take measures to ensure he won't be able to. 2
anika99 Posted November 3, 2014 Posted November 3, 2014 It sounds like there is a constant source of hurt lying just beneath the surface that erupts easily. This is because your core self knows that this situation is less than you deserve and less than you should accept. You know he's not leaving his wife and so you stuff your true feelings down and try to make yourself okay with being in the affair but you know it's not okay and you shouldn't be okay with it, which is why you are quick to have these strong emotional reactions to his unintentional slights. You won't end it until you have reached your limit and it doesn't sound like you have yet. I agree that baggage reclaim may be a good place to read as it may assist you in opening up your eyes and to care about your self. That hurt inside of you is your true self begging you to care about you. Hopefully someday soon you will love yourself enough to end this. 1
sunburned Posted November 3, 2014 Posted November 3, 2014 I'm actually a dude. Ah. I'm actually an idiot. Your advice and insight were so spot on, I just assumed you were a woman! 2
FusionCutter Posted November 3, 2014 Posted November 3, 2014 (edited) Ah. I'm actually an idiot. Your advice and insight were so spot on, I just assumed you were a woman! It's because my therapist was a wise woman. Haha Trust me. A year ago I wouldn't have ever dreamed I would be writing advice to complete strangers. I thought affairs were the stuff of movies. Until I found myself neckdeep in shxt desperately trying to find the best way to negotiate the situation with no clue how. OP. You got a fake it till you make it.. You got to push through the pain of the NC until you get better. It is not okay to feel hurt and pain when you're with someone. If you are getting numb to the hurt and pain of the affair, that's a huge sign you are getting emotionally damaged. LTA's can leave lasting effects for years. Get out ASAP. Simple as that. Just listen to your inner gut. Be disgusted at the thought of all the lies and deception that is happening. Everyone wants to feel love and be loved. How we get there means everything. Ironically, admist all the crazy lying and deception to you and his wife, there is one truth. He said he is not leaving. Trust him on this one and spare yourself all the pain. It's like watching a lot woman get physical abused by a man. All outsiders can see clearly. She needs to leave him. He's hurting her and her face is bruised. Nothing else matters. It's time you saw yourself as an outsider of the situation. You are that woman. Except he's not punching you in the face. He's punching you in your heart. And that hurts to the max. Get out of your unhealthy situation and focus on loving yourself. Edited November 3, 2014 by FusionCutter 3
Intuition101 Posted November 3, 2014 Posted November 3, 2014 Can I ask you a few questions? First of all, allow me to give you a little background on myself. After 13 years of marriage, I have found myself married to a Cheating man. I know he has been having an affair for at least over 2 years with the same woman. I am trying to understand how another woman could involve herself With a married man. Like what does the MM tell you? I have racked my brain and wondered what he told the OW to make Her believe him and make her stay? I have never found myself in a situation like that with a MM. I KNOW how decieving men can be and how they have a way of smooth talking. I am just trying my best to understand this. I have blamed myself and went Through all those emotions. As a women/mother I just don't think I could Ever jeopardize a family with children. However I know it's untelling what the MM say. I would think they say, I only stay for my children And things of that nature.
Khy89 Posted November 3, 2014 Posted November 3, 2014 (edited) Can I ask you a few questions? First of all, allow me to give you a little background on myself. After 13 years of marriage, I have found myself married to a Cheating man. I know he has been having an affair for at least over 2 years with the same woman. I am trying to understand how another woman could involve herself With a married man. Like what does the MM tell you? I have racked my brain and wondered what he told the OW to make Her believe him and make her stay? I have never found myself in a situation like that with a MM. I KNOW how decieving men can be and how they have a way of smooth talking. I am just trying my best to understand this. I have blamed myself and went Through all those emotions. As a women/mother I just don't think I could Ever jeopardize a family with children. However I know it's untelling what the MM say. I would think they say, I only stay for my children And things of that nature. Yes most of them say they stay for children, or fianaces or whatever other boring mundane reason. Or they paint their wife to be really horrible or uncaring to their needs and sometimes just sometimes they are honest with the OW that all they want is sex but that is rare...usually lies and sobs stories get the goodies. To be completely honest most MM will make the same promises to their OW that they make to their wives except most times they aren't serious with the follow through. They have a way of making the OW feel special, like she is the only one who can understand him...They make false promises of leaving the wife to keep the OW around. I am sorry you went through this. Edited November 3, 2014 by Khy89
jellybean89 Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 c (1) I can't believe I've found myself back here at these forums.. AGAIN. So why can't I let him go? (2) The only thing that hurts more than feeling unappreciated, is the thought of never seeing/talking to him again. That absolutely breaks my heart.. and I can't seem to get passed it. (3) What was it that finally made you stick with NC and moving on? 1. Again? As in you are involved again with a MM or you are here on LS again after previously posting about how you need to end the affair? 2. You survived life without him, you will survive again. Truly. The world won't end, the sun will still shine and life will go on. 3. My guess is people chose to love themselves more and respect themselves more than wasting their life by being a hidden secret. They chose to stop pursuing a dead end road, just like you are doing by having an affair with a man who has told you he isn't leaving; yet I am guessing you keep thinking "if I just hang in there, eventually he will come to love me more than her and will leave for me". After 2 years, he isn't leaving. why do you continue to be disrespected and 'not good enough' to be the main woman in his life? Why do you accept the crumbs? How much life have you allowed to go by while being invested in this affair? How much more of your life are you going to let go by while you wait for.....what exactly? In the end, you won't be buried next to him, you won't be acknowledged at his funeral and he won't be at yours. In the end, staying on this path, you will be alone at the end, while he will have his wife/family by his side. Is that okay with you? 1
Author GypsyHeart83 Posted November 4, 2014 Author Posted November 4, 2014 Jellybean89... I meant that I couldn't believe I found myself back on the boards again after another break up.. He's the only A I've ever been in. And I never ever thought I'd ever find myself in this situation.
Intuition101 Posted November 6, 2014 Posted November 6, 2014 Yes most of them say they stay for children, or fianaces or whatever other boring mundane reason. Or they paint their wife to be really horrible or uncaring to their needs and sometimes just sometimes they are honest with the OW that all they want is sex but that is rare...usually lies and sobs stories get the goodies. To be completely honest most MM will make the same promises to their OW that they make to their wives except most times they aren't serious with the follow through. They have a way of making the OW feel special, like she is the only one who can understand him...They make false promises of leaving the wife to keep the OW around. I am sorry you went through this. Thank you. I figured it was bs like that..... I haven't made it through this YET but Plan to get through this... My story is a long story... Basically, he knows I know.. But won't admit to his LT cheating.... I can't only imagine the bs he tells her... Oh, just the thought makes me sick.
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