anatomische Posted March 14, 2005 Posted March 14, 2005 hello, i am very new here but i am desperate for any advice. i am mid break-up with my bf. i feel as if i have been manipulated and have had my confidence destroyed. should i fight for this guy? i have been with him for 2 years, and i thought i was madly in love. when we are happy, it is great, but everything seems to be on his terms. history:when we started going out (he was my lecturer), he was still in love with his ex (also a student 12 years his junior who couldnt be with him because of her religion) and used to say things like 'it would almost be better if she was dead, than us not be able to be together'. i was totally paranoid about this and read his emails throughout the time we were together. he would tell his friends that he missed her and that love would bring them back together (although when i questioned him about it, he would just say that he didnt want to sound stupid in front of his friends). he also said i was immature and unstable and that i was losing him by invading his privacy. just recently (infact just after the tsunami) he started writing to her again and telling her he was thinking about her all the time (she was in sril anka with her family at the time. but not in any danger) and offered to raise money to fly her home (he was too broke to buy me a christmas present). he said he would write to her every day until she got back. he alsohas a little book of quotes that she has said to him , the last one saying 'i think you are amazing' which was written a month ago. I am heartbroken at the same time feeling hard done by and angry.its so miserable. i am going crazy.i know i was wrong in invading his privacy, but he cant see that he has done anything wrong at all. infact he blames me entirely our breakup and hurting him (isaid some mean stuff) to the point where i have just backed down and started apologising for everything. how did this happen?he says i am unstable and that he has done everyhing in his power to save our realtionship. am i to blame? i feel like i am constantly compromising. i accept that i have done wrong and i have apologised for saying mean things to him - i called him a narcissist and told him that he seem to be desperate to have other people like him (which i actually think is true. he tries to be a big star with his students), but he wont budge. he seems to be acting the victim and behaving as if i am constantly attacking him, when it actually feels like i am the one being attacked. am i doing the right thing in walking away from all this?he makes me laugh like no one else, but i dont know what can be done. this is an unfair thing to ask you guys given that you dont know either of us, but is what he did totally wack? if he doesnt admit to being wrong, i will never get over it. i think my resentment would stop us from being happy.
ReluctantRomeo Posted March 14, 2005 Posted March 14, 2005 I'm sorry to hear this Anatomische - it must be a very difficult situation to live through. The old proverb "two's company, three's a crowd" really applies here. Your relationship is crowded - you can't have a third person involved. Not and keep your dignity and sanity intact. If he can't give her up completely, then I think you would be right to walk. Being in a relationship *does* mean constant compromise from you. But that applies to him too. If he is a full blown narcissist (as opposed to having some narcissistic traits, which is relatively common) then you need out. You may also want to look into commitmentphobia... he shows at least one of the signs by hankering after an unattainable girl. I hope these somewhat random thoughts are helpful.
tokyo Posted March 14, 2005 Posted March 14, 2005 Do not fight! Get away from him, I don't think this relationship is good for you, looks like you suffered some major brainwashing.
life loser Posted March 14, 2005 Posted March 14, 2005 as a loser myself (though more from bad luck than being an a$$%*# like this gone sounds) I can tell you he is a loser and you need to get over him i've seen so many of myhigh school teachers and uni lecturers exploit women it's not funny - what's wrong with dating a single guy your age - just think about it - you'd be making two people very happy - him and you
JoL Posted March 14, 2005 Posted March 14, 2005 He is in love with his ex....how can you not see this? He wants to raise money to bring her home- when he can't afford to buy you a card apparantly! He told you he still wants to be with her - or be dead. Well...that to me is a BIG BIG BIG hint that you are number 2 on his list of prefered girlfriends. He is telling his friends he still loves her..HELLO?! how are you not getting it? This guy is emotionally unavailable!! Totally and completely still in love with someone else. Also, he is manipulating you to feel bad when HE is the one who has hurt you. A defiante trait of narcissim. This guy is not only treating you badly he is making you feel bad for it! What a jerk!
Author anatomische Posted March 14, 2005 Author Posted March 14, 2005 thanks so much everyone. i suppose the reason i am struggling with this, and that it does not all seems black and white is because he keeps telling me he is not in love with this girl. i have been with him for 2 years and have lived with him in that time and he keeps telling me that he loves me and that he wants to marry me. if i am to trust him, i suppose i have to believe that, but on the other hand, why should i trust him? hmmm, perhaps even if what he says is true, my confidence has just been so trashed that it is best for me to get out anyway. how do you get over it? seriously. i am just heart broken. i feel like i cant breathe.
JoL Posted March 15, 2005 Posted March 15, 2005 I am sorry that this guy is doing this to you. He might be saying one thing- but he is sure doing the complete opposite. If he wants to keep you hanging on, OF COURSE he will tell you he loves you and not her. You are his consolation prize...do you really want to be second best? When your boyfriend cant afford to get you a small gift or card but he will somehow find a way to pay for his ex's airfare- well enough said. If she turned around tomorrow and said she wanted him back and loved him still, what do you think he would do- based on all the stone cold evidence in front of you? He is not worth your pain and anger. Please do not go running back into his arms. Is the doubt and fear really worth being with him?
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