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Girlfriend admitted to cheating in a previous relationship. What should I make of it?

jjtr

By jjtr
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jjtr Established Member

jjtr

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My girlfriend and I met at the beginning of August and have been officially been in an exclusive relationship for a month. With law school and working at a law office part time, she is really busy, but she has been pretty great about making time and we've transitioned to her just coming over if she needs a quiet place to study and nights in instead of going out all the time, which I think is a good thing.

 

Overall, things are going great and I'm really happy with where the relationship is/I think is heading. However, she came over last night and this morning I took her to brunch and I was sort of taken a bit back by a comment she made.

 

I can't remember how we got on the subject, but we were talking about exes and I ask if she had ever been cheated on. She said she had been and then she admitted that she also had done the cheating once. She explained that it was five years ago during sophomore year of her undergrad. From the brief explanation, she said she made out with another guy. She said she felt like an awful person for it and had grown up since then.

 

She then asked if I have ever been cheated on/cheated on someone. I told her I had been cheated on and that I have never cheated. I then apologized for bringing up and awkward topic and we shifted subjects.

 

I feel slightly concerned about it but, oddly enough, feel kind of good/happy that she felt like she could tell me that.

 

Having been cheated on in the past, though, this slightly raised my guard. What should I make of this? Has anyone ever been in a similar situation and have advice? I feel like I trust her when she says she has learned and I know people, especially at that age, do dumb stuff. I guess I'm just looking for thoughts/opinions as I've never really had a girlfriend openly admit to something like that.

Assasda Established Member

Assasda

Posted
Posted

Why would you apologize for asking the question?

That seems like a hand-wringing, submissive thing to do.

 

Kudos to your girlfriend for giving it to you straight.

She has faults, she's not an innocent virginal pure soul.

 

OP, let me just add this. Your profile sounds like the exact type of person that gets cheated on, and you attract what you fear.

So you might want to work on a few things, and try to improve yourself, to prevent this from happening

  • Like 2
Tayken Established Member

Tayken

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@OP.....what makes you think you will be any different than the other guys? History has a way of repeating itself with cheaters, the question is, would you be so lucky?

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jjtr Established Member

jjtr

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@OP.....what makes you think you will be any different than the other guys? History has a way of repeating itself with cheaters, the question is, would you be so lucky?

 

She only cheated once, so it wasn't guys, plural. Also, this seems like kind of a miserable way to approach a relationship.

 

I am accepting of mistakes. People make them, especially when young. I'm definitely not going to break things off because of this admission, I just don't know what to make of it since no one has really ever been that forward with me before about that subject.

Tayken Established Member

Tayken

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Posted
She only cheated once
, so it wasn't guys, plural. Also, this seems like kind of a miserable way to approach a relationship.

 

I am accepting of mistakes. People make them, especially when young. I'm definitely not going to break things off because of this admission, I just don't know what to make of it since no one has really ever been that forward with me before about that subject.

 

Ah....just because it's once means she won't do it again? I am guessing she was that young to realize that what she was doing was wrong at the time, even though she was able to figure out that she wanted sex :rolleyes:

 

Once a cheater, always a cheater.

  • Like 2
Diezel Established Member

Diezel

Posted
Posted
She only cheated once, so it wasn't guys, plural. Also, this seems like kind of a miserable way to approach a relationship.

 

I am accepting of mistakes. People make them, especially when young. I'm definitely not going to break things off because of this admission, I just don't know what to make of it since no one has really ever been that forward with me before about that subject.

 

#1: She told you she only cheated once. It could be more, it could be once. You are going on her word, which could be iron-clad, or it could be not.

 

#2: What's a misterable way to approach relationships: Observing possible repeating patterns? She didn't have to offer up that piece. She gave you an answer to a question you didn't ask. Why?

 

#3: Stop contradicting yourself. If you are accepting of mistakes, then what is this thread about it? If you are accepting of mistakes and you believe this non-repeating "mistake(s)" won't ever happen, then you should be fine.

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jjtr Established Member

jjtr

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She brought it up, but I circled it back around and asked her to clarify, because she was talking about being cheated on and then transitioned right into her cheating once.

 

As for the creation of the thread, I guess I just needed a place to type out my thoughts as, like I said, I've never really dealt with someone being that up front. She said she was 19 or 20 and a very different person and can't change it, so there was no use in hiding it.

 

Not really sure how I contradicted myself.

JuneJulySeptember Established Member

JuneJulySeptember

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I think it depends on the circumstances, but you must consider that probably at least 60% of people have either cheated or been the other person ... meaning the person who slept with someone knowing that the other person was taken and even a good friend.

 

Maybe more.

 

I have seen some really scandalous stuff, like women f@cking their boyfriends best friends under their nose multiple times. I'm not sure I could date somebody who did that.

 

Something lesser probably. There's degrees.

Tayken Established Member

Tayken

Posted
Posted
I think it depends on the circumstances, but you must consider that probably at least 60% of people have either cheated or been the other person ... meaning the person who slept with someone knowing that the other person was taken and even a good friend.

 

Maybe more.

 

I have seen some really scandalous stuff, like women f@cking their boyfriends best friends under their nose multiple times. I'm not sure I could date somebody who did that.

 

Something lesser probably. There's degrees.

 

 

Or banging their husbands buddies in their home on the matrimonial bed :eek:

CoolCat771 Established Member

CoolCat771

Posted
Posted
My girlfriend and I met at the beginning of August and have been officially been in an exclusive relationship for a month. With law school and working at a law office part time, she is really busy, but she has been pretty great about making time and we've transitioned to her just coming over if she needs a quiet place to study and nights in instead of going out all the time, which I think is a good thing.

 

Overall, things are going great and I'm really happy with where the relationship is/I think is heading. However, she came over last night and this morning I took her to brunch and I was sort of taken a bit back by a comment she made.

 

I can't remember how we got on the subject, but we were talking about exes and I ask if she had ever been cheated on. She said she had been and then she admitted that she also had done the cheating once. She explained that it was five years ago during sophomore year of her undergrad. From the brief explanation, she said she made out with another guy. She said she felt like an awful person for it and had grown up since then.

 

She then asked if I have ever been cheated on/cheated on someone. I told her I had been cheated on and that I have never cheated. I then apologized for bringing up and awkward topic and we shifted subjects.

 

I feel slightly concerned about it but, oddly enough, feel kind of good/happy that she felt like she could tell me that.

 

Having been cheated on in the past, though, this slightly raised my guard. What should I make of this? Has anyone ever been in a similar situation and have advice? I feel like I trust her when she says she has learned and I know people, especially at that age, do dumb stuff. I guess I'm just looking for thoughts/opinions as I've never really had a girlfriend openly admit to something like that.

 

 

Never trust a cheater. Cheaters belong with other cheaters.

  • Like 1
Andy_K Established Member

Andy_K

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Let it go.

 

People grow up. One kiss five years ago when she was young and stupid doesn't mean she's going to get nailed by your best mate. Judge her on how she acts during your relationship, not before it.

  • Like 3
ScreaminEagle Established Member

ScreaminEagle

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I am a firm believer that past behavior is a good prediction of future behavior. She was young? I digress. She was old enough to know right from wrong.

  • Like 2
leavesonautumn Established Member

leavesonautumn

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People make mistakes and should not be held to the past. She has most likely learned from the mistake and grew as a person. I imagine it was not a comfortable conversation to have but she was honest with you and opened up. Maybe you should focus on that.

 

Speaking for myself, the person I was at 19 is very different from the person I am now. It would hurt to think that my boyfriend wouldn't trust the fact that growing as a person is possible. She can't change the past, she can only accept that it happened and avoid doing it in the future.

  • Like 1
Toodaloo Established Member

Toodaloo

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Oh gee she was young and she snogged another man...

 

I have "cheated" snogged another man twice. Once I was 18 and trying desperately to dump the guy I was with. He was not taking the hint so when I went out with his aunt and his sister I practically dry humped some poor random chap in a night club right in front of them in the hope that they would tell him and that he would finally get the message. They didn't because they "liked me more"... Was gutted and took another month or two to actually get the limpet off.

 

The second time was about 3 years ago. I was at my best friends wedding, had found out 2 weeks before that my now ex was meeting up with several women from a dating site he had joined and judging by the messages they were shall I say "frisky". I was hurting, confused and really really pissed off.

 

Both relationships were doomed to end anyway so no I do not feel guilty about either. I agree I could have behaved better but I had no intention of sleeping with either of the guys I snogged. In the second case I just wanted to know I was still attractive/ wanted/ desired anything really as I was very very low. In all other relationships I have been 100% faithful never even thought about it.

 

I think you are being a bit over dramatic about all this. Generally people who stray and are the straying kind don't just snog someone once. One snog when she was young does not make her bad.

 

My advice - Quit talking about the past and start talking about the future...

Diezel Established Member

Diezel

Posted
Posted

Speaking for myself, the person I was at 19 is very different from the person I am now. It would hurt to think that my boyfriend wouldn't trust the fact that growing as a person is possible. She can't change the past, she can only accept that it happened and avoid doing it in the future.

 

But here is the thing... SHE brought this up voluntarily. Why? If it's in the past and it's not the answer to the specific question, why bring it up?

 

It's only going to cause doubt within the person you are giving this information to.

 

She might as well put a sign on her chest that says: DANGER.

 

We were all "different" people at 19. I may not do some of the same things, but I also do some of the same things. You don't change 100% completely 5 years after.

 

It's thin ice for someone who has to listen to that information.

leavesonautumn Established Member

leavesonautumn

Posted
Posted
But here is the thing... SHE brought this up voluntarily. Why? If it's in the past and it's not the answer to the specific question, why bring it up?

 

It's only going to cause doubt within the person you are giving this information to.

 

She might as well put a sign on her chest that says: DANGER.

 

We were all "different" people at 19. I may not do some of the same things, but I also do some of the same things. You don't change 100% completely 5 years after.

 

It's thin ice for someone who has to listen to that information.

 

Erm, from what I read in the first post, they were have a discussion about cheating in general. They weren't out on a date when one night and she said "GUESS WHAT? I CHEATED BEFORE MWAHAHA WATCH OUT!" You know, in relationships, sometimes you discuss things you are uncomfortable with. Why did he bring up cheating in the first place? OP has no intention of breaking up with her, what's your prerogative here?

 

Well, it's good to hear that you are a perfect person who has never, ever done anything they regret or wish they could take back and that makes you have the right to judge every one else for their mistakes. :love:

 

:rolleyes::rolleyes:

JuneJulySeptember Established Member

JuneJulySeptember

Posted
Posted (edited)
Let it go.

 

People grow up. One kiss five years ago when she was young and stupid doesn't mean she's going to get nailed by your best mate. Judge her on how she acts during your relationship, not before it.

 

The thing is, everybody thinks that their 'cheating story' isn't that bad. :lmao:

 

I agree kissing another guy while in undergrad isn't that bad.

 

I knew a girl who screwed her boyfriend's best friend at a party he was at (and he was the one who caught them). Then, a week after that, she screwed another guy (also in the social circle).

 

It's not about forgiving at that point. It's about that person having a spontaneous need to be emotionally, or sexually satisfied, without thinking about the situation they are in, or putting that need above all else.

 

It's not a mistake, it's a character trait. And I don't think that person would be right for somebody who is practical and would never cheat. I still can't comprehend what would have compelled her to do that, so obviously she is not a match for me.

 

For another guy who understands why she did it, she'd be perfect. It's also why the degree and circumstances matter.

Edited by JuneJulySeptember
acapelo_dp Established Member

acapelo_dp

Posted
Posted

I don't think it's a big deal. It's good that she was honest and open about it. Just because someone made a stupid mistake and kissed someone five years ago doesn't mean that they are going to cheat again. People grow up and learn from experiences. I agree if she was repeatedly cheating and screwing guys, that would be a red flag. She kissed one guy five years ago. I say let it go and enjoy your relationship with her.

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