I don't know how to survive.

[Rednightmare]

Okay, so I never expected to be asking for any kind of help on this, but it's become a slightly urgent matter.

 

I met a girl at work in 2012, and did not have much contact with her until a few months later when I went to work in her department. I was in a relationship with someone else at the time and did not have any feelings for the girl at work, but I also was not exactly thrilled about being with my girlfriend at the time, either.

 

I broke up with my girlfriend in August of that year. That is kind of a long story, so I won't go into it right now.

 

 

I starting working closely with the other girl around November. At first, I didn't have strong feelings for her, but after a while things definitely developed on my part. I wasn't too excited about her being a smoker, and she was a few years younger than me, so there were reasons to avoid her... but after a while, I decided I really liked her as a person and didn't want to judge her habits or anything. I just didn't know her status at the time; was she single, in a relationship, etc. I felt like she was flirty at times, but I am not sure what that meant.

 

Anyway, I *really* started to like her after she offered to do something nice for me. Honestly, some of the sweetest things anyone has ever done for me have come from her. She was just so nice. But, things came to an end. She left the place where we worked last year, and I was devastated once I had realized she was gone. I immediately tried to friend her on Facebook, but in hindsight this was a mistake. I think it was weird. She didn't friend me back right away, so I withdrew the request. For a couple months, I tried to just forget about it and kept going about my work. But, one night I had an urge to friend her again, and this time she accepted. I was obviously happy, but I didn't really try to make any contact. I didn't want to seem weird.

 

After a month or so, I sent her a message saying I missed her at work, and I also said I hoped she was doing well. She responded, and amazingly, we had a great conversation. It lasted a long time and was totally comfortable. However, she didn't really contact me much after that.

 

I also didn't really attempt to communicate with her after that, and ended up unfriending her a few weeks later. I just figured I couldn't handle talking to anyone who couldn't return my feelings. Around this time, I found out she probably had a boyfriend. I wasn't sure about the nature of the relationship, and I still am not.

 

Anyway, I did message her a few months later and told her I was struggling at work and wondered if she could ever talk to me about things. She responded by saying she would love to chat sometime and asked when I was available. I responded by giving her my availability and thanking her profusely. But...she never responded. Never got back to me about it at all, so I felt I'd been left hanging. I confronted her over Facebook, but she didn't respond. Finally, I sent her a message that had some pretty suicidal content in it. I'd been through a tough year... I witnessed a plane crash that happened right in front of me, and it has caused some very difficult post traumatic stress. I also saw some pictures of an accident that caused some major stress. On top of this, I have been dealing with the trauma of having slept with my ex, who I was not attracted to. I have had a tough time dealing with the fact that I was with someone I did not want to be with.

 

To get to what is going on today...

 

I have sent the girl from work numerous messages dating back to May. They have become more and more suicidal; The most recent one she sent me...well, she said that she really didn't want me to hurt myself and asked if I had family to go to about these thoughts I've been having. Before that, she had read and ignored some messages from me, but it would seem that she didn't know how to respond. Actually, she had sent a message telling me she was concerned and didn't know what to say or how to help. I thanked her and told her everything was hopefully going to be okay, but I kept having the thoughts.

 

Anyway, to get back to the message I mentioned, she did indeed express concern and asked me not to hurt myself, but I ignored that message. Instead, I sent back a long one about how I needed out and wanted to know if she could help me find a way. She never responded.

I've sent messages since then...not looking for a response, but expressing ideas about self-harm. Basically, I've been treating the messages as a journal. She doesn't seem to be there for me at this point, and I'm wondering how to let go of her. I've mentioned some scary things to her in messages, one of which was the idea of hurting myself in front of her (I know where she works now). I have these visions, horrible visions. I think I could be at great risk, and for some reason I want her to know I've done it. Maybe it's because I'm afraid she thinks I'm faking it because sometimes people fake suicidal ideation to get attention. I am unsure what to do. I am also very worried about some things I mentioned in my messages to her. This is gross...but... I mentioned having soiled myself a couple times by accident. I am having pain and stomach problems, and I am hoping to figure out what's going on, but I involuntarily did that a couple times and told her about it. I was under the influence of something at the time...both times, actually. But I'm afraid she's really never going to talk to me again after these mistakes.

 

Does anybody know what the heck I can do to make this better? I really don't know if we could ever date. But...I would like to be in contact with her somehow. I really think she might be in a relationship, and I totally want to respect that...but after everything, should I ever contact her again? She's really only contacted me once without me messaging her first... I also worry that the whole me soiling myself thing was just a nail in the coffin. I am just having these stomach problems right now. I have also told her that I will not contact her again...so it might be weird to do so...unfortunately, I just feel like I love this girl.

Edited November 3, 2014 by Rednightmare

[Rednightmare]

Last night was a bad night for me, but I'd like to add that I am in no danger and things are looking up. Just don't want anyone to think there is any immediate risk of suicidality.

[IfiKnewThen]

first off ...(hugs) to u if ur truly suffering from depression and if u felt you finally made a connection....a chemical one ..mental ..emotional..w/e and now you cant seem to get back in this girls good graces as far as appearance and attraction go.

 

when ur stressed you seem to go for the gusto in expressing yourself. and then regret seeps in. we all want to be loved and admired and like...and accept for who we are. and your def not acting like a phony which is good. but u have to remember self control for there is a thin line for ppl who arent as stressed and can view this as threatening behavior. i really do know this. and i dated someone online for 3 years with major depression or ACTING out and it makes you trepid. anyone can understand that.

 

just tell her you cant believe what stress and disappointment has done to you in terms of mis-articulating yourself and that your embarrassed (lol) <---make light of it somewhat and tell her you didnt mean to frighten her r dump your stuff on her. and you hope she can step back and see your not your mistakes and hope it wont be a life sentence of perception for her . i dont know the words to address it exactly. or just simply ..sorry and ease into common menial talk. and talk to friends..etc. if u dont have them...maybe make a guy friend u can trust. dont even bring up the soiled thing. forget it. people get sick. you have to forgive yourself. somehow.

 

you are the ONLY person in control of YOU. you have to speak another language to YOURSELF that speaks of uplifting things so u can deal. give yourself maybe an 1/2 an hour a day to mourn your losses and self worth but then when the bell rings lol its time to stop feeling bad and get in the good habit of healing thoughts. get out of the loop thinking your in. or trying to prove to people you are SERIOUS. your only proving it to yourself more with negative defeatest thinking and it counters to healing and rising above all this pain and madness. God made this planet with balance. moon , stars. tide. our bodies have to balance. so does the mind and soul. so counter the bad thinking with this. say to yourself. 'LOOK BUDDY. NONE OF US ARE GONNA BE HERE IN 100 YEARS FROM NOW" WE HAVE THIS ONE TIME. LIVE LIFE PLAY IT OUT happily and not harmfully. I KNOW ITS suX AND CAN BE PAINFUL. BUT THERE IS JOY TO BE HAD AND I WILL FIND IT AND KEEP IT HEALTHY AND BALANCED and value all of life." so no giving into or dwelling on dark perpetuationg thoughts. grab hold of yourself however you can. love yourself. save yourself from this thinking. be present in balanced healthy love. if your on meds that make you more depressed..write and journal and take note and ask ur dr. to change them. it your on drugs...street or prescription addiction...get off of them. ask a dr. how to ween off now. write...believe ...love laugh....pray. and thats how we survive. im trying to also, but for different reasons than you and i dont have those thoughts. but still i hate getting up lately. but i have to. and im not liking it lately. im exhausted these days from lack of proper sleep and feeling overwhelmed with life issues and hurts.. but we do healthy things we have to do. dont give in. hang in there. i will pray for u. sorry this was long. and stop being a loner. even if you struggle with depression. make friends in the outside world and DONT have high expectation for any of them with you. dont put them down either. they are human like you and not everyone is out to get you. people let people down. find forgiveness and dont judge harshly it only hurts us. sorry rambling here. but this is decent advise. i hope. God im so sad for all the people lonley and hurting ...and in heartache. i wish us all peace of mind. healthy balanced state of minds. but we have to work at it. i dont know what else there is but that.

Edited November 3, 2014 by IfiKnewThen

[Sillyheadmoo]

I am a lurker on this site. I had to join when I saw your message.

 

I am not going to beat around the bush here. You really have to know that what you are doing to this poor woman that you barely know - a woman who has given you little to no indication that she is interested in dating you or getting into huge deep and disturbing Conversations with you - is wrong. The messages you have sent her when she's not responded, the over exaggerated connection you feel you have made with her. Talking of hurting yourself or soiling your self in front of her is so very wrong on many levels. Its extraordinarily selfish and one sided. Bordering on abuse and harassment. You will not date this girl. Its u likely that you can even be friends. If you continue your obsession with her it will destroy her life as well as yours.

 

Please please leave her alone.

 

What you feel for this girl is not love.

 

My only advice to you is that you see a doctor immediately. You are Ill and you need support and treatment from professionals. Seeing a Dr and getting the the treatment and counselling you need is really the only next step for you. Please do it soon

 

Best wishes

[IfiKnewThen]

what the other poster said here makes sense too but i dont think you should get down on yourself this is self perpetuation..loop. forgive yourself. but step back. get good help. interview those professionals u can trust. and you need to work for this too yourself. but doing all that i said above. get off the drugs....clear your mind and body out....even negative thinking is a drug. chance to good thoughts. somehow. good luck. God bless. stay kind. and balanced

[IfiKnewThen]

and yes leave her alone now IS best! let her go and work on u.