Everything is great, except there's no emotional intimacy

[John Grogan]

I just separated from my boyfriend of 9 months. I realized there was no emotional intimacy around 6 months and asked him to try to verbalize his thoughts/wants/feelings. He is not an emotional person and is more of an action-based person, but he said he would try. 3 months went by and nothing changed, so we revisited the topic tonight. He has been completely happy/fulfilled, while I am looking for a deeper connection that will allow for long-term potential.

 

Everything else has been great, so I am back peddling a bit and feeling like I might have made a mistake (it was a mutual split where I said I can't compromise on this and he said he obviously can't meet my needs). But, I have to be true to myself, and I can't go on with someone who cannot express feelings once in a while.

 

When he left tonight, he was clearly upset. He felt defeated and said "I am sorry I couldn't give you what you need". It looked like his eyes were beginning to water up (first strong emotion I've ever seen from him). I gave him a hug and told him to please call me if he thought of anything to say.

 

Before the negative comments start rolling, let me be clear. This guy legitimately cares for me. He is honest, thoughtful, and I have absolutely no reservations about his character. I am just not sure if his emotional spectrum is very wide or if he has ever explored his feelings.

 

I can't comprehend how this would end a relationship, and I told him that. The romantic side of me is hoping he will call me and have something to say. The realistic side of me is saying he just doesn't have the same emotional capacity/needs and isn't able to understand or meet mine.

 

Can anyone relate to this? Stories, comments? Thank you.

 

I am in the same situation as you, she can't talk about her feelings and our emotional intimacy it is close to none.

 

For me for instance, at first, i was convinced i would carry all the weight on my shoulders, i will cope with all the emotions from my part, that won't be a problem.

 

But, after explaining many times my feelings in writing and other ways and hit everytime a wall, i started falling apart and having doubts about the relashionship.

 

I think we are persons that need that type of things and if we do not receive them, we think that the SO does not care the same we do.

[ScienceGal]

ScienceGal, can you give more specific examples of how you felt he was "emotionally unavailable"? Like, what exactly did you need him to do that he didn't do? The L-word? More affection?

 

I do agree with you that this pseudo-breakup or whatever should be some sort of call to action for him to finally express himself more.

 

He is not overly affectionate, but to be fair, I would say that my disposition has become one that matches his. If I were to initiate more affection, I don't think he would be turned off to it. Overall, he just doesn't seem to have any sense of excitement regarding the relationship, which would often deflate my excitement.

 

When I would make loving comments such as "I can't wait to see you" or "I wish I could just hug and kiss you right now", either I would get no response or I would get something along the lines of "ditto". But he is an even keeled person anyway, so it's not as though he has excitement about other things and not about me. I think a lot of this has to do with me being able to put things in perspective, and not take them personally.

 

I don't know if it will work long term, I just feel the relationship deserves more time based upon the way we feel about each other and the way we treat each other. Maybe this is something he can work on, even a little bit would mean the world to me.

[ScienceGal]

I am in the same situation as you, she can't talk about her feelings and our emotional intimacy it is close to none.

 

For me for instance, at first, i was convinced i would carry all the weight on my shoulders, i will cope with all the emotions from my part, that won't be a problem.

 

But, after explaining many times my feelings in writing and other ways and hit everytime a wall, i started falling apart and having doubts about the relashionship.

 

I think we are persons that need that type of things and if we do not receive them, we think that the SO does not care the same we do.

 

Yes, there are definitely people who need more emotional intimacy than others. And for us, sometimes it seems so simple. It can be very discouraging and hurtful when our partners fail to meet these needs. It can even seem as though they are doing it on purpose, or they just don't care enough. While that may be the case sometimes, It isn't all the time.

 

I have been thinking about if the roles were reversed, and it was him asking me for something. I thought that there isn't a thing I wouldn't do to make him feel more loved and supported, that I would at least try no matter what it was. But then I remembered a previous relationship I had, with a very very emotionally needy man. I tried to meet him where he needed to be met, but ultimately I could not. It was not for lack of feelings or effort, I just couldn't. I felt exhausted and drained after most encounters with him. So, sometimes your partner legitimately cannot give you what you're asking for. The question then becomes, can we compromise? Can we be true to ourselves and happy with what they are giving us?

[John Grogan]

Yes, there are definitely people who need more emotional intimacy than others. And for us, sometimes it seems so simple. It can be very discouraging and hurtful when our partners fail to meet these needs. It can even seem as though they are doing it on purpose, or they just don't care enough. While that may be the case sometimes, It isn't all the time.

 

I have been thinking about if the roles were reversed, and it was him asking me for something. I thought that there isn't a thing I wouldn't do to make him feel more loved and supported, that I would at least try no matter what it was. But then I remembered a previous relationship I had, with a very very emotionally needy man. I tried to meet him where he needed to be met, but ultimately I could not. It was not for lack of feelings or effort, I just couldn't. I felt exhausted and drained after most encounters with him. So, sometimes your partner legitimately cannot give you what you're asking for. The question then becomes, can we compromise? Can we be true to ourselves and happy with what they are giving us?

 

It depends. I can see the point of a needy-needy man/woman, but i don't think here is the case.

 

I think here is the case that we feel a huge frustration regarding that thing you said above: the "i can't wait to see you part" and their meh reaction. That is what kills us.

 

For me, this things kill the relashionship, kill my feelings. Instead of growing in love, i start having doubts, maybe she isn't that into me, into us. Maybe that is a kind way for her to tell me to back off, or maybe she likes the affection, but now it is just a thing there, a thing that does not influence her.

 

I mean, if someone will tell me: i miss you, i want to see you, i need you, etc. I would not respond with ditto or just leave it there. I posted my case here on the forum, it is a bit different than yours, but it comes with the emotional issues it is like looking into a mirror.

Edited November 5, 2014 by John Grogan

[ScienceGal]

I am off my flipping rails!

 

I went over Wednesday and told him that I wish we had taken the week to think instead of separating. I explained my new perspective (that maybe he is giving all he has to give versus him not giving more because of me/our relationship). He listened and said that he would think about it. I went home feeling much better and as though we would fix this no problem.

 

I was wrong.

 

I went over to cook dinner tonight and watch a movie. We talked a little, but he still needs time to think. Because we are still separated, I felt awkward and sad. We sat on the couch, but didn't touch. When the movie was over, I hung out for a while and then made my exit. We have plans tomorrow night with friends of his (made the plans weeks ago). I was still planning to go with him, but when I got to the car, my heart just sunk. It all felt so wrong. And this is where I go off my rails.

 

I went back inside teary-eyed and said I am not sure if I can go with him tomorrow night and pretend that everything is ok. That there is a difference between being together and working on things, and being separated. I told him I was glad I went over, but it feels so awful to leave and go home. He said that he can't just jump back in to things, that we broke up for a reason and we need to determine what it was and if we can fix it. That he thought tonight was awkward too, but a step in the right direction (I, realizing he is being completely rational, wish that I had not gone back inside). I am digging the hole deeper.

 

I try to give more information. I apologized for letting things build as opposed to talking to him. Because we only see each other on weekends, I would sometimes feel disconnected during the week. If something was bothering me, by the time the weekend came around, I'd opt not to mention it. I said that speaking during the week at least once on the phone, or getting together mid-week would have helped. I kept trying to give immediate solutions when he kept saying we needed to take it slow and think about it. He almost called it all off for good, citing that he wasn't making me happy, and feeling like he never could.

 

In that moment I felt my whole body go numb. I don't want to lose him. I looked down, and these words came out of my mouth, "I really ****ed this up, didn't I?" I took all the blame. I apologized and said that it was my fault for not communicating better and letting bad feelings build up, which led to us separating. That everything he ever did for me showed that he cares and that I was happy with him. That I had a nice time tonight, I am just feeling panicky because I feel that I ruined our relationship. That I just want to turn it around, and that I will embrace this awful feeling because it's my fault, mine to deal with.

 

He said it wasn't all my fault, that he could have done something (in regards to connecting during the week). I didn't let him take any blame. I said "you're not a mind reader, it was my job to tell you what I needed". I rambled for a little while longer and then left.

 

He walked me out and we hugged. I asked if I could have a kiss, I got 3. As of right now he wants me to call him tomorrow afternoon, and go with him to the gathering tomorrow night.

 

Have I lost my mind? I went from feeling like I had a valid reason for ending the relationship, to taking all the blame. I need rest before I completely lose it.

Edited November 8, 2014 by ScienceGal

[mtnbiker3000]

It seems like he is not willing to be in a relationship with you at this point. At least not the same kind or at the same level that you want...

 

I've noticed human beings are extremely strong and capable of incredible things. I truly believe that its not that someone can't, but rather they won't. Someone used to want to be with me, now they don't. We can all do amazing things if we want to!!!

Edited November 8, 2014 by mtnbiker3000

[John Grogan]

I still think you did the best thing.

 

 

It doesn't really matter how much you think you screwed up, because if you would stay together and times will pass and he would act the same emotionally, at some point you would had snapped.

 

If you ask me, this is a reaction of the fact that you had somehow a control over after you decided to dump him and now he acts like this.

 

You need to keep it together and think about the long term in this.

[Zapbasket]

Science Gal, I've been reading this and some of your previous threads with great interest: you seem to have such a great head on your shoulders regarding your relationships and your self-worth and I feel I can learn from you!

 

This thread struck a chord in particular with me because I have historically chosen men who have great trouble expressing / articulating / heeding / knowing their own emotions. Like you, I worried that their difficulty in this area was indicative that they didn't care about me / the relationship as much as I did, and like you (although much more so than you, unhealthily so), I wondered whether my need for more emotional intimacy was "too much" or unreasonable.

 

But let me tell you, people with difficulties in the emotional sharing areas generally DO NOT change, unless they are willing to undergo a lot of therapeutic intervention to understand what made them so closed of or shut down emotionally, and then to heal those wounds. Most people are unwilling to go there, because for most people, their emotional reticence serves them "well": they don't have to really risk themselves or their hearts. Sadly, this kind of style is incompatible with a truly emotionally intimate, vibrant relationship. They might be "happy" with less emotional connection in their relationships (because they don't rock the boat), but people like you could NEVER be happy in such a relationship.

 

Don't fall into the trap that I did, multiple times, of thinking these men just needed my "helping hand" to open them up. Most times, they just end up resenting you pushing them somewhere they have neither the capability nor the inclination to go.

 

It's very hard for emotionally supple people like you and me and others in this thread to understand how it can possibly be so hard to open up. It seems like an insult when someone is so incapable in this regard, because it seems more like they just WON'T rather than that they CAN'T. Yes, people can change when they want to, but for the emotionally reticent, their reticence is reflective of defenses built up over years and years of conditioning, and almost nothing really serves as an incentive to break that pattern of reticence--not even love for a wonderful person. The reason is because their reticence SERVES them more than it LIMITS them, in ways so insidious even they are not aware.

 

Bow out now, before you've invested too much time and worn yourself out with frustration over your unmet fundamental emotional needs. It sucks, but what you're getting from this otherwise decent guy is all you're ever going to get--and is "decent" really enough for you?

[Kamille]

You broke up with him hoping he would change and are now considering getting back together hoping he will change.

 

The basic premise being: you want him to change.

 

Is that fair? Is it fair to him? Is it fair to you?