ScienceGal Posted November 3, 2014 Posted November 3, 2014 I just separated from my boyfriend of 9 months. I realized there was no emotional intimacy around 6 months and asked him to try to verbalize his thoughts/wants/feelings. He is not an emotional person and is more of an action-based person, but he said he would try. 3 months went by and nothing changed, so we revisited the topic tonight. He has been completely happy/fulfilled, while I am looking for a deeper connection that will allow for long-term potential. Everything else has been great, so I am back peddling a bit and feeling like I might have made a mistake (it was a mutual split where I said I can't compromise on this and he said he obviously can't meet my needs). But, I have to be true to myself, and I can't go on with someone who cannot express feelings once in a while. When he left tonight, he was clearly upset. He felt defeated and said "I am sorry I couldn't give you what you need". It looked like his eyes were beginning to water up (first strong emotion I've ever seen from him). I gave him a hug and told him to please call me if he thought of anything to say. Before the negative comments start rolling, let me be clear. This guy legitimately cares for me. He is honest, thoughtful, and I have absolutely no reservations about his character. I am just not sure if his emotional spectrum is very wide or if he has ever explored his feelings. I can't comprehend how this would end a relationship, and I told him that. The romantic side of me is hoping he will call me and have something to say. The realistic side of me is saying he just doesn't have the same emotional capacity/needs and isn't able to understand or meet mine. Can anyone relate to this? Stories, comments? Thank you.
Seeker12 Posted November 3, 2014 Posted November 3, 2014 I am exactly the same as your bf, i find it hard to verbalise my emotions, but find it easy to demonstrate and physically show them, i had the same kind of issues with my ex, we rode through it, and she understood. For example, id run 5 miles for her, through sand, sleet and snow, but id find it hard to write my feelings for her in a short 300 character text message. You need to, instead of expecting him to show you, teach him how to show you, they are fundamentally two different things. What i think now is you just have the expectation, you need to help him learn, maybe he has had a traumatic past etc so he internalises his feelings in order to control and recover. Try different modes and methods, email, poetry writing etc. be proactive in this, take the step towards helping your other half help himself, itll strengthen your relationship and love for him and vice versa.
Author ScienceGal Posted November 3, 2014 Author Posted November 3, 2014 Seeker, Thank you for the response. The first problem is, we did break up. So, I don't think I can be supportive now. I was more than willing to be patient, and even mentioned that he could sit and think/write down his thoughts instead of saying them to me, but where 3 months has gone by since I asked him to do this, he felt it is unlikely that he will be able to change. That was his choice, his words. He has to want to work on it, I can't make him.
Seeker12 Posted November 3, 2014 Posted November 3, 2014 Let him feel the break up now, especially if he thinks he will lose you forever, watch the emotions pour out of him, he will realise how much he loves you and do his best to get back. He NEEDS to see that he will lose you if he doesnt act. Thats true, it is down to the persons choice, but i can see where he is coming from, i went through the same, i found it so damn hard, the person who id jump off a cliff for literally, who id stand in the snow for 2-3hrs for, i cant even write a letter for, do you understand. It needs to be formal, and you both need to see it formally. I did say to my ex i think id find it hard to change, its a big leap, externalising it all, there were massive ups and downs.
Author ScienceGal Posted November 3, 2014 Author Posted November 3, 2014 My hope is that this will make him feel something greater than he has felt in a long time and that he will call me and tell me. My hope is that he will realize he loves me and that exploring emotions is worth it if it means our relationship can continue. I love him and would be more than willing to work with him and be patient. I want nothing more than to understand more about who he is. If there is a reason he can't easily share emotions, I want to know that too. He is such a great guy, but this is an important part of any functioning relationship. His choice though.
Seeker12 Posted November 3, 2014 Posted November 3, 2014 My hope is that this will make him feel something greater than he has felt in a long time and that he will call me and tell me. My hope is that he will realize he loves me and that exploring emotions is worth it if it means our relationship can continue. I love him and would be more than willing to work with him and be patient. I want nothing more than to understand more about who he is. If there is a reason he can't easily share emotions, I want to know that too. He is such a great guy, but this is an important part of any functioning relationship. His choice though. I completely understand and feel where you are coming from, dont let go, if you love this person, then love everything about them and make those compromises. You need to make him feel it, go out, put up pics, most likely he will be monitoring you lol Exactly, thats exactly what you want, but make him feel it, then you will see the emotion pour out trust me. Your hearts in the right place, and i truly believe you want the best, and i hope he realises that.
Diezel Posted November 3, 2014 Posted November 3, 2014 It happens, sometimes the needs of one don't match the needs of the other. There's nothing you can do about that. If you had the talk before and nothing changed in 3 months, I doubt anything will change. He will either have an "aha" moment, which I honestly doubt and then fall back into his original pattern or he will realize that he cannot give you what you need. If after basically establishing that the relationship needed to end because of the lack of emotional intimacy he said nothing or showed no "fight", I wouldn't be surprised if that was his way of giving up. For the record, I've been the person who couldn't clearly explain how he felt AND been with a person who just didn't know how to express it. I improved, but not exponentially. The person I was with... never did. Their first display of anything emotionally was almost after a year. I still remember in our first year together, she wrote me a happy birthday card that said: Hope you have a good birthday. Yay. So, I know what it's like on both ends.
Els Posted November 3, 2014 Posted November 3, 2014 I just separated from my boyfriend of 9 months. I realized there was no emotional intimacy around 6 months and asked him to try to verbalize his thoughts/wants/feelings. He is not an emotional person and is more of an action-based person It sounds to me like you have different love languages and are just incompatible in that regard. If it is essential to you that your partner express his love verbally, then you did the right thing by breaking up. 1
Author ScienceGal Posted November 3, 2014 Author Posted November 3, 2014 It sounds to me like you have different love languages and are just incompatible in that regard. If it is essential to you that your partner express his love verbally, then you did the right thing by breaking up. It's important that he tell me how he feels so that I know we are on the same page. Once that foundation is built, it's not something I would need all the time. If feelings changed, or issues arose, I would want to talk about it, but day to day I am fine with the dynamic we have. I just didn't want to wake up a year from now with someone who doesn't even love me. You're right though. After 9 months, I needed verbal validation. He couldn't do it. He left. The End.
Mr. Lucky Posted November 3, 2014 Posted November 3, 2014 This guy legitimately cares for me. He is honest, thoughtful, and I have absolutely no reservations about his character. Are you sure you're not throwing out the baby with the bathwater? His actions and treatment of you are the most accurate expressions of his feelings and should leave little doubt how about much he cares. Lots of silver-tongued guys out there that can talk the talk. Sounds like this guy has the walk... Mr. Lucky 2
Author ScienceGal Posted November 3, 2014 Author Posted November 3, 2014 Are you sure you're not throwing out the baby with the bathwater? His actions and treatment of you are the most accurate expressions of his feelings and should leave little doubt how about much he cares. Lots of silver-tongued guys out there that can talk the talk. Sounds like this guy has the walk... Mr. Lucky I hear what you're saying and I did consider that, for 3 months. It feels to me that there is something deeply wrong when a person can't look at their partner and just say "I care", or "I want this relationship to work", or something to that effect. That's what I was looking for tonight, and instead, he left. I know myself enough to know that by the end of the week I will be feeling serious regret, but not because I was wrong to ask for what I needed, because he really is a great guy and I will miss him.
Els Posted November 3, 2014 Posted November 3, 2014 I just didn't want to wake up a year from now with someone who doesn't even love me. This part of your post stands out at me - I personally tend to agree with MrLucky that actions are the most reliable way of assessing whether or not someone loves you. Someone who is just 'playing the field' or using you as a backburner is likely to find it much easier to tell you he loves you, than to show it to you. Because actions that demonstrate love typically take time, effort and sacrifice, whereas words are easy for some people (though not easy for everyone, of course). But that being said, we are all different, and I think you made the right decision because it is the decision that is true to you. If he isn't fulfilling your needs, then that is likely to lead to resentment down the road. 1
Author ScienceGal Posted November 3, 2014 Author Posted November 3, 2014 He also said that he hasn't had a relationship in so long (and not many at that) that he's not even sure he would know love if he felt it. I think it would be totally different if he knew how he felt and could tell me at least once, At least then I would know he cares but just isn't good at verbalizing it all the time. That I could work with. But it seems he has a complete lack of understanding of his own feelings. That scares me.
Author ScienceGal Posted November 3, 2014 Author Posted November 3, 2014 (edited) This part of your post stands out at me - I personally tend to agree with MrLucky that actions are the most reliable way of assessing whether or not someone loves you. Someone who is just 'playing the field' or using you as a backburner is likely to find it much easier to tell you he loves you, than to show it to you. Because actions that demonstrate love typically take time, effort and sacrifice, whereas words are easy for some people (though not easy for everyone, of course). But that being said, we are all different, and I think you made the right decision because it is the decision that is true to you. If he isn't fulfilling your needs, then that is likely to lead to resentment down the road. I absolutely agree with you about how it is very easy for some people to say loving words when they don't necessarily mean them. I have somehow been fortunate enough to not get heavily involved with anyone like that. I told him tonight that he is the best partner I've had, and that I value him and appreciate the way he treats me, that I have no bad feelings about anything, only that I'm struggling to emotionally connect with him. I'm wondering if my words even resonate at all with him. Also, when he told me three months ago that he is more of an action based person, I made it a point to do more action based thoughtful things for him. I guess I don't know what else I could have done that would've resulted in both of us being happy. Edited November 3, 2014 by ScienceGal
Author ScienceGal Posted November 4, 2014 Author Posted November 4, 2014 I'm giving my thread a bump because, well, it's only been one day and I am struggling very much right now. I got home and cried for the good part of 2 hours. And now, Netflix is down so I can't occupy my mind with that. I ended up Googling variations of "boyfriend is great but doesn't show emotions". Yes, I have sunk that low. None of the descriptions of an emotionally unavailable man match how he is. He was committed, we spent every weekend together, I was invited to everything he went to, he would communicate about making plans, he was not "hot and cold" or manipulative. Ugh... How can he treat me so well, and clearly care for me, but not be able to say "I care about you". And to let the relationship end because of it!? Am I dreaming?
idoltree Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 He was committed, we spent every weekend together, I was invited to everything he went to, he would communicate about making plans, he was not "hot and cold" or manipulative. Ugh... So he treated you well and his actions were that of someone who wanted the relationship and wanted to be with you. How can he treat me so well, and clearly care for me, but not be able to say "I care about you". And to let the relationship end because of it!? ... Because people are different? People express how they care in different ways? Look, is it totally out of the realm of possibilities that this is a good guy who cared for you and the relationship and just can't say the words that you want to hear, especially with all of the pressure of you dangling the relationship in front of him? It sounds like he may have some mild depression going on, too, which may have left him out of touch with his feelings. It doesn't mean they're not there. More importantly, some people are just not good at verbalizing their feelings and they're never going to be. As long as their actions are that of someone who cares for you and treats you well, you have an answer. Have you heard of the 5 Love Languages? People tend to give love in their preferred language rather than their partner's preferred language. It's clear that you think that everyone gives and receives love verbally, because that is your preferred love language. And if someone isn't verbally telling you they care, they don't care. But that's not true, that's just YOUR language that you expect everyone to speak. He is not a verbal person and he's probably never going to be. I'm going to guess he is a gifts or an acts of service person, because that is how he shows love to you. I'm sorry, but I suspect that you may have thrown away a good guy because he couldn't say some things to you. I don't understand why that's breakup worthy. True, it may be important for you to hear those words, but ultimatums are not the way to get someone who is shy/uncomfortable about verbalizing how he feels to verbalize how he feels. He avoids the words, and in a high pressure situation, he's going to run further away from them. As soon as you pushed him, you sabotaged the relationship. This is a man who doesn't do well being pushed. Pushing feels like control, and he resists being controlled, especially by women. (I'm going to guess there was a domineering female in his early life.) I'm with the other poster who would rather have someone act like he loves me and cares for me than telling me it and not backing it up with actions. I've had the latter and words are cheap. 2
Author ScienceGal Posted November 4, 2014 Author Posted November 4, 2014 (edited) I didn't expect him to become a verbal communicator, but I did expect him to be able to look at me and at least say he cares. For him to say he values the relationship and can see it being long-term. Instead, he said he "likes" me and doesn't even know what love is. How do I become more invested with someone who feels that way, or technically, doesn't feel? I am also an action-based person and he said I did a lot for him in that respect. I have heard of the 5 Love Languages, and I am ordering the book right now. There just seems to be something fundamentally wrong if a person says they do not know how to feel, or it's been so long since they've felt anything. As much as I would want to be loving and supportive, he would have to want to open up and explore that. I can't make him. Would you want to be with someone who went through the motions because he knew how to treat you well, but didn't actually feel anything for you? As for the domineering woman, I don't know. He has a good relationship with his mother. There has to be something that made him closed off though. It seems like it's not so much a language difference, but just that he was comfortable with me, and it never triggered any actual feelings. That does not add up to me though, because there is NO WAY he doesn't care, even though what he said last night indicates he just doesn't know or he doesn't process feelings. Edited November 4, 2014 by ScienceGal
Author ScienceGal Posted November 4, 2014 Author Posted November 4, 2014 He originally proposed we take the week to think and get together next weekend. (Due to work schedules, we only spend weekends together). It did not end that way, but I know he would still be willing to meet this weekend. Should I ask him to? I want to, I just feel like I need something more to say, something more than was discussed last night. Thoughts?
Tom Crick Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 Hi Science Gal, He sounds depressed, to be honest. My partner - who I've broken up with recently - has depression and we had no emotional intimacy, though he tried. We also had no physical intimacy which was what killed it for me. There were actions but they were dutiful, as though reading from a script. Yes, I have keys to his flat Yes, I'd met his family Yes, I knew his friends No, there was no sparkle in his eye, no warmth in his gestures, no love in his heart. And I don't blame him - he's a depressive who's been issued with a bit of a 'get well or we can't do this,' from me. I love him very, very much, and he has done some lovely things for me but I couldn't carry on ignoring my own needs to try to make his 'okay.' A healthy person can feel, an unhealthy person cannot. And I've known unhealthy people of whom I've thought the world, but you can't be in a relationship with them - in my opinion, of course Take care
Mr. Lucky Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 Should I ask him to? I want to, I just feel like I need something more to say, something more than was discussed last night. Crazy idea, but what not table the discussion for now and just spend the weekend together, see how it feels ? He may respond better to space than to pressure... Mr. Lucky
Author ScienceGal Posted November 5, 2014 Author Posted November 5, 2014 Crazy idea, but what not table the discussion for now and just spend the weekend together, see how it feels ? He may respond better to space than to pressure... Mr. Lucky We originally proposed to take the week to think about it, but when it didn't seem like we were going to reach a common ground, we separated. It just didn't feel right though, so I messaged him today telling him that I wish we had taken the space instead of separating, and asked him if we could speak this week or weekend. He responded giving me his schedule and said that he is open to a call or a visit anytime (so happy this was his response). After thinking about some of the things he said Sunday night just before the split, my perspective has changed. I was looking at it from a point of him just not caring enough, about me or the relationship, with the thought that if he was with the "right" woman, he would have stronger feelings. or if he cared enough, he could at least tell me. I had never considered that he is giving all he can give in ways that make sense to him. Is not a reflection of me or how he feels about the relationship. His actions clearly show he cares a great deal. Not even the faintest red flag. I don't know why he has the emotional block that he has, but everything else is wonderful, so I would rather give him love and patience and maybe he will be able to open up someday. Or, maybe he won't. We all have reasons for being the way that we are, and he is a really great guy. I would be a fool to leave based on this one difference. We're getting together tomorrow night to talk, hopefully we can patch things up. Thank you everyone for reading and responding.
Author ScienceGal Posted November 5, 2014 Author Posted November 5, 2014 Hi Science Gal, He sounds depressed, to be honest. My partner - who I've broken up with recently - has depression and we had no emotional intimacy, though he tried. We also had no physical intimacy which was what killed it for me. There were actions but they were dutiful, as though reading from a script. Yes, I have keys to his flat Yes, I'd met his family Yes, I knew his friends No, there was no sparkle in his eye, no warmth in his gestures, no love in his heart. And I don't blame him - he's a depressive who's been issued with a bit of a 'get well or we can't do this,' from me. I love him very, very much, and he has done some lovely things for me but I couldn't carry on ignoring my own needs to try to make his 'okay.' A healthy person can feel, an unhealthy person cannot. And I've known unhealthy people of whom I've thought the world, but you can't be in a relationship with them - in my opinion, of course Take care I'm so sorry you went through that, it must've been terribly hard. The way you describe him though does not seem quite like my guy. He does have a sparkle in his eye, and is affectionate. Perhaps depressed on some level, but it seems more to me as though something happened at some point in his life to make him this way.
EuTuBrute Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 I recently split from my ex gf for the second time. Now that I'm able to take the rose colored glasses off I can think. I was great to and she was great to me. We connected on all aspects except.... That's right you guessed it, an emotional level. I always communicated my feelings and she was always closed off. This created problems in our relationship. You and your ex is what I call near misses. You guy were really close to being life partners. It happens. People don't change, and he would have never changed I'm sorry. However now you know what you want in your next relationship. Take it as a blessing.
mtnbiker3000 Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 Kudos for being strong. It wasn't working for you and you knew it wasn't going to go long term. Might hurt now, but I think you did both of you a favor in the long run!!!
Standard-Fare Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 ScienceGal, can you give more specific examples of how you felt he was "emotionally unavailable"? Like, what exactly did you need him to do that he didn't do? The L-word? More affection? I do agree with you that this pseudo-breakup or whatever should be some sort of call to action for him to finally express himself more.
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