Husband is cheating but he won't admit to it!

[Intuition101]

To Whichwayisup:

 

You are DEf on point and right.

He does honestly believe his own lies

And thinks I too believe them.

Sadly, it's untelling how long I've been

Deceived by this man. Anyways,

What's most important is I have seen the light now.

 

That is why I want to expose him so bad.

YES I know the truth, but he is so arrogant

And cocky and sure of himself, I would love

To bring his deception to light.

I would LOVE to hire a P.I.

But I have no $$ Bc he controls EVERYTHING?

 

If I had someone to trade me out vehicles for a few hours

Or go with me, I could get all the evidence I needed in no time.

But so far, I have yet to even get some one that can help me.

 

A divorce is definitely coming his way.

I already have some plans in motion.

I've been trying to pack things here and there

One day when he is gone to work,

I'm leaving and he won't see it coming.

So, no worries (beach) I already have that

Planned out.

[beach]

That day should be TODAY!

[whichwayisup]

Talk to your friends and family, borrow the money if possible so you can get everything on him. And, start recording your conversations with him.

 

You need to get away from him asap.

 

Oh and don't worry, he'll be paying alimony and child support. The courts will make sure of that!

[Intuition101]

Girl, your H sounds just like mine.

He has turned everything around to me.

I'm Im the one cheating.

Or just looking for a reason to leave and cast the blame on him.

So, he decided one day to look through my phone, and ipad.

Well, he found in my calendar that I had made a few notes

About him. Nothing major. Just a few mental note's Bc of

The neurological issues I had, I have memory problems.

So I jotted them down in my calendar on my iPad.

 

Do you believe he said I was a stalker and concerned him and

A bunch of pure B.S.? Now this was coming from him, of whom DID

Just stalk me per say by going through my stuff.. Lolololol:lmao:

 

He blames me for everything.

Used to when he done wrong, he would at least admit it

And try to do better for a short period.

Now it's, well you should of shut up and not pushed me

Over the edge to the point of hitting you.

When honestly, he is the one that keeps going on.

I ignore him mostly,

But ya know, I'm the one that made him verbally and physically

Abuse me.

 

I wonder when he is exposed about his cheating how he will blame me?

Well you should of been a better wife or blah blah?

 

Lately, I have gotten the feeling he is some kind of sex addict himself.

Idk why I have that feeling, but I do.

 

So, let me ask you,

Are you still with your H?

Idc if my H hits rock bottom and the only way up, is up.

I will not be there to pick him back up anymore.

Been there, done that, too many times.

It always goes back to the same o, same o.

Thanks so much for sharing your story.

[Intuition101]

To beach

 

You are right. I wish TODAY was the day that I could end this

Nightmare and actually begin to live again.

I just feel so overwhelmed.

I honestly have no where to go other than a shelter.

I did check and the closest one to me is approx. 1.5 hours away.

 

Right now, things are calm.

My kids and I are safe for the time being.

That is why I don't mention all the lies I know he is telling and etc.

I guess you could call it, the calm before the storm.

 

At least now, if the storm should come to pass,

I do know exactly where the shelter is, as I didn't know before.

As long as we are safe, I want to go about this discreetly and calmly as

Possible. I don't want him to see this coming or the kid's and I

Won't be safe.

 

I'm sure from the outside looking in,

It's looks simple. Just leave.

But it's not that simple.

Or I don't feel like it is.

 

I feel so overwhelmed and feel like I am backed

Completely up against the wall.

I feel scared and all alone.

I'm just trying my best to make

The best out of the hand of cards I've been dealt.

 

Through this I have found much faith in prayer.

I believe with all my heart my prayers will be answered.

I believe my babies and I will be delivered from this.

 

If I had some family/friends that could temp. Help me

Get on my feet financially. It would change this situation

Completely.

But I don't.

I sure wish that I did.

It would certainly help with this hopeless, alone feeling.

 

Thank you beach for your advice and concern for me and my

Babies. You have no idea how you and the others have

Tremendously helped me.

I am so thankful I stumbled across this site.

[beach]

Ask the shelter if you can come today! If needed in sure they will drive to pick you up.

[cozycottagelg]

I am so sad and scared for you. I wish you lived near me, I'd take you in. You have got to get out of there.

 

In case nobody has told you this, YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED BETTER THAN THIS, and don't let ANYONE tell you differently.

[Intuition101]

I am so sad and scared for you. I wish you lived near me, I'd take you in. You have got to get out of there.

 

In case nobody has told you this, YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED BETTER THAN THIS, and don't let ANYONE tell you differently.

Thank you so much.

I can feel the true concern and emphathy you have for me.

Reading your post brought tears to my eyes.

It's heart wrenching that someone I have never met

could care more about my Safety and well being than

those that should that don't.

 

Thank you so much....

[beach]

You need action.

 

Start doing things to change it right now.

[Lovebug66]

Oh sweetie, this just gets more and more heart breaking

 

I understand about your son, and I understand the proof is for him. JMHO, cheating is a lesser offense than the physical violence. If your son has seen the violence and chose not to go with you, seeing evidence of cheating isn't going to sway him either. I'm no child psychologist, so take what I say with a grain of salt, but it seems like he has been taught by your H that treating you like dog poo is acceptable and normal behavior and it is going to take your son getting out of there and some IC to relearn that it is not acceptable or normal.

 

I know how scary all of this is and how stuck you can feel. But you have started reaching out and that is huge. Keep following thru. The parental alienation advice you were given is spot on. The physical violence can get you custody and a restraining order. This is not a hopeless situation. I know it doesn't feel like you have the upper hand at all, but all this information in the hands of a lawyer or a domestic abuse advocate is gold. You just need someone who has dealt with this a lot and knows the next steps to take and let them lead you out.

 

What are you prepared to do right now? You won't get any judgment from me if you aren't ready to leave for the shelter today, or hire a lawyer, or any other thing that can seem really huge. I understand. You can take smaller steps every day tho, start rebuilding yourself, educate yourself, keep reaching out, just keep moving forward even if it only feels like you are inching there. Can you call the shelter and just ask to speak with someone about your situation? You don't need to commit to going there. Do you think you could call the police if there is another physical fight? If you are too scared to do that, you can still take pictures. Write EVERYTHING down. Even better, you should take that VAR out of his car and keep it on you at all times.

 

Fear is a b!tch to get thru. You have every right to be fearful too, I don't know any women who wouldn't be in this situation. You are thinking rationally, but are letting the fear rule. No shame in that either. Work on overcoming that fear and the other things will start falling into place.

 

Here is a book recommendation for you too, Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. I was reading the story of my marriage in that book, I think you will too.

 

Much love to you sweetie, keep moving forward ❤❤

[Intuition101]

Thank you so much Lovebug66 for your kind words and advice.

My son absolutely does not condone the physical abuse.

In fact, now that he is older, he feels like it is his place to protect his momma.

Both of my older kids do. Despite me telling them not to get involved.

I couldn't Not get involved if that was my mom either tho.

 

I don't know how to explain how manipulating the H is. He has a way

Of manipulating my son w/o him even realizing it.

For instance, my oldest daughter is the only girl.

She is not biologically my H, but he has raised her since she was 2.

My two younger boys does not know this.

 

My daughter is a good girl. Straight a's,

we never have much trouble at all with her.

She is busy with school and stays busy or in her room.

My two boys are Great kids too, but their typical boys.

and often fight.

The H deliberately Says nothing when their fighting or arguing.

I'm the one that has to referee.

Or I'm the one that always has to get onto them etc.

My son is the middle child, and often acts out I think just

To get attention at times.

 

The H Will tell my middle child, see your mom

Only picks on you. She baby's your brother

and your sister Does no wrong.

Grant it, I am the only one that gets on to them most of the time,

but that's All I do, I don't spank none of them.

Someone has to discipline them.

 

It's like my H is jealous that I do have a good daughter, idk.

But when my daughter needs disciplined, I do it. I

Don't let her slide anymore than the others. But where she

Is older, we don't have a lot of trouble with her.

She really is a good kid, prob mostly out of fear of him if she is not.

 

My H has put that mindset into my sons head.

Just like with his cheating. He tells my son

You're mom wants to leave and is trying to lie on me

To have an excuse. Or she is the one with the boyfriend

If she loved you then she wouldn't want to take you

From your life, school, and friends.

She would stay.

 

I know, it's a mess.

I have never talked bad about the H to my kid's.

I have never allowed my family to say anything about

Him in front of the kid's.

 

My son is getting older.

he is very, very intelligent.

I think he is beginning to see the truth about his dad.

But he still is very manipulated and feels like he has to chose a "side".

Even when the H starts arguments

My son says it's both of our faults.

He will say, dad is right in ways

And mom is right in ways.

I Try my best to tell him he does not have

Have to pick sides

 

 

Right now, I am slowly trying to gather up our things

W/o him knowing.

I am trying to educate my self and research my options

Like I said before, we are in no danger at this point.

Things have really calmed down but as I stated previously

Prob the calm before the storm.

should are safety be jeopardized

I will absolutely take immediate actions.

 

You're spot on. I am making steps,

Even if they are baby steps to some, they're big for me

Bc I am moving forward

Those that have not been in my situation does not understand

How the mental abuse beats a person down.

I am trying to find me again (per say)

I want to understand how I allowed someone to change me

From a confident, strong, independent woman

To a codependent, no self esteem, and weak and scared woman.

 

You are right about allowing fear to control me too.

I am fearful and overwhelmed when I think about

How My babies and I will make it financially

The h taking my vehicle

The h always threatens to take my boys from me

When I think about trying to keep them in their schools

And still remain local so they can be.

If I remain local will I ever see peace

The fear of being alone

The list goes on and on.

All that fear hits me at one time and it is so overwhelming.

 

However, I have made my mind up.

I'm going to make it somehow, someway.

I'm not the prettiest person in the world,

But I deserve to be loved and treated with respect

Most importantly my babies deserve to have a happy STABLE home

Not one that every time their dad gets mad

They hear him tell their mommy to get her stuff and leave.

I'm still weak, and I know this,

But everyday, I am getting a little bit stronger.

 

I would love to read that book. I used to love to read.

Unless I can read it online, I won't be able to get it right now.

But maybe they have it online Bc im sure it would be very

Beneficial to me.

 

Thank you again Lovebug66. You are a sweetheart and helped me far more than

You will ever know. All of the advice and concerna have helped me

 

Much love to you my sweet friend.....

[Lovebug66]

I understand what you are saying about not even being able to describe the manipulation with your son. I have felt that way too. I was the main disciplinarian, I'm the one who would consistently follow house rules where my H would break them (simple stuff a lot of times, like no more sugar drinks today, or no dessert if you don't eat dinner). Then there were things like "teasing" me where my H would encourage him to join in. Many subtle little things that made him fun awesome dad and me sour puss strict mom.

 

I'm glad (not the word I'm looking for but..) your son can see the abuse is wrong. He is going thru a lot of the same feelings you have had too, confusion, love, hate, fear. The more distance he has from your H the more he will see things clearly.

 

I fear all those things too, plus more! You aren't alone. "Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear" -Mark Twain Fear is always there, the trick is finding how to not let that fear control you. You are a smart, strong and beautiful woman! Believe it! ❤

 

I think there are some free downloads of that book from a google search I did but I don't think I can post it here because it directs to another forum. If you google it you will find it easy I can't say for sure if they work tho. Idk if you have a library near by, but even my little library had it so you can try that route too.

 

Stay safe hon ❤

[solostand]

Please, at least CALL the shelter - you will find understanding and empathy there.

 

I know how terrifying it is. I felt trapped and alone, with the steady drip drip drip of loss of freedom and isolation. I could never have imagined I would end up at a shelter - it was the last place I wanted to go. But I did and what I found there was amazing. They really, really help you. Not only that, they understand you and will help you get on track. You will not be alone!

[Lovebug66]

Please, at least CALL the shelter - you will find understanding and empathy there.

 

I know how terrifying it is. I felt trapped and alone, with the steady drip drip drip of loss of freedom and isolation. I could never have imagined I would end up at a shelter - it was the last place I wanted to go. But I did and what I found there was amazing. They really, really help you. Not only that, they understand you and will help you get on track. You will not be alone!

 

Agreed, you will find so much comfort by just calling and having those who have been there, done that to talk to.

 

It seems to me that writing here has helped you already, you have broken your silence and found lots of people here who understand and will support you. The shelter isn't going to hunt you down or pressure you to go there It will just be more people ready to listen and help, but they can be much more helpful than anyone here with the next steps because the know the ins and outs of your area.

 

I have never been to a shelter, but I did go to IC with a graduate student at our local college who was focusing on women's issues (she also volunteered at a shelter) and I was amazed at all the information she gave me. Shelters, support groups, legal aid, housing and food assistance, support for my son, and TONS of stuff that I hadn't even thought of. Not to mention she told me how all those places and things worked which made things much less scary knowing what to expect.

[Intuition101]

Lovebug66 you're so right. Writing on here has helped me

In more ways that anyone knows...

 

I've had a terrible past few days but ESP today....

 

If Dealing with November being the month I lost my momma...

And as each day passes getting closer to the 22nd...

My heart hurts even more isn't enough....

 

I have to deal with my H cheating and it right In my face....

I just don't understand why my life is in the mess it is?

I have always been a good person...

I've always tried to help people...

 

I just don't understand...

 

This load is getting too heavy to carry anymore....

Goodnight my friends. I Just want to see this day over and pray tomorrow is better....

[elaine567]

"I want to understand how I allowed someone to change me

From a confident, strong, independent woman

To a codependent, no self esteem, and weak and scared woman."

 

He is the most arrogant, Conceited and selfish man I have ever met. Not conceited in looks, but rather he works Harder than anyone else, he is never wrong, THAT kind of conceited. Everything we have obtained together is HIS. The house, the vehicles.Every time it comes to someone leaving, it has always been the kids and I. He has never left one single time. My name is not on our mortgage Bc I've always been a SAHM. So he thinks the house is his and if anyone leaves,It's us, not him

.

 

Go to Youtube and search for "narcissist" - lots of videos some a bit medical, and dry, but others a bit easier to understand. Your answer I guess is there.

 

The problem is not you, the problem is him.

 

I have always been a good person...

I've always tried to help people...

- the perfect target for a narcissist. Edited November 7, 2014 by elaine567

[Lovebug66]

I am sorry you had a tough day yesterday sending you big hugs.

 

Elaine hit the nail on the head, people like your H seek out caring, loving people because we are the only ones who will put up with their crap. We see the best in people, and we think they have just been hurt so many times once they have real, true love from someone they will appreciate it and they will become that wonderful person we know they are underneath all the crap. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way.

 

This may seem like a strange question, but is there a history of alcohol or drug abuse with your family of origin or your H?

[merrmeade]

Just wanted to say, this is really a fine thing to watch unfold. So impressed with Lovebug and glad she showed up for you. Really does the soul good and shows the value of the website. You'll be all right, OP. All of this will make you stronger and happier.

[Menon]

I might have stumbled upon a way to get your husband to admit cheating if he is.

 

I managed to get a liar to tell the truth immediately with a lie detection technique.

 

It's based on reverse psychology and linguistics.

 

If you say to him 'Now I'm lying and you're not cheating'. He'll be cornered brain wise if he is cheating, as it will cause his brain to go a pathway towards truth or an unlikely but attempted and extremely uncomfortable and unsuccessful attempt at lying. You would be setting him up semantically. All brains respond to a certain communication based on what the speaker is saying, and how the speaker is saying it. With the double negatives as suggested you're forcing him in a way to tell the truth as lying would mean he'd be lying to himself both personally and in front of you which would likely be extremely uncomfortable and in my experience with a liar, completely unsuccessful.

 

If he's not cheating and telling you the truth, his response to the suggested lie detection technique will likely be 'Honey (or other name) I'm not cheating, why would you think such a thing? etc'.

 

Please let me know if the technique works for you, if replicable it can become a standardized lie detection technique.

 

M.

[Lovebug66]

Aww, that is really sweet of you to say merrmeade

 

Intuition, how are you? I admit I am worried about you since you haven't posted in a few days

[pteromom]

I feel like My mind is going in a thousand different ways.

A lot of my thoughts are irrational, although I have sub stained

From acting upon any of them. Mainly Bc I feel trapped and without

Options.

 

There are many attorneys who will give you a free consultation. There, you will learn about the divorce process, what your options are, what your child support and/or alimony amount will be, what you need to do to ensure that you keep custody of your son, what kind of documentation you need to get what you want, etc. Information is POWER. You need the information, then you will not feel trapped. I promise.

 

Getting him fired from his job would only

Hurt the kids and I more. I never looked at it at that point.

 

You have to get out of a revenge mindset. Hurting him will only hurt you and the kids. You want him to be as happy, strong, and balanced as possible, so that he can be a good father. You have to focus on taking care of yourself so you can be a good mother. I strongly recommend individual therapy so you have a place to let all this anger and pain out so you can start a new life for yourself and your children.

 

And cheating costed him EVERYTHING.

 

I am not quite sure why you are focusing so much on the cheating, when he is being physically and emotionally abusive. Isn't that already enough of a reason to leave? Is it ok if he bruises you inside and out, as long as he is only doing it to you and nobody else? You need to examine your thinking in this whole area. Think about what you really want in a marriage and ask yourself why you are accepting so very much less than that?

 

When I start thinking about how the kid's and I

Are going to make it, where are we going to live, their schools, etc.

I get quite overwhelmed and scared.

 

One. Step. At. A. Time.

 

Step 1: See the attorney. That may answer a lot of those questions for you.

 

Then move on to the next steps. At each step, live in the REALITY of that moment, not all the "what ifs" that may come. Remember that any choice you make need not be a permanent choice. So if you are forced to find another place to live, and that place doesn't work for you for ANY reason, you can look at other options. No decision needs to be permanent. And no decision needs to be made until you gather the information to make it.

 

I honestly can say, I may always care about him to a point

But I have finally realized he will never love me

Like I loved him and

A broken home is better than a unhappy home.

 

And I honestly do NOT want to be with him anymore.

He is toxic for me and love does NOT hurt.

 

It is ok to love him. And it's ok to say that although you love him, this relationship does not work for you, and you do not want to sign up for a lifetime of being hurt in every way a person can be hurt. It's ok to say it doesn't matter whose fault it is. Because he will blame it on you. And maybe part of you has bought into that blame, and feels guilty that you make him turn into this horrible person. But really that doesn't matter. Even if you believe that is true (which it isn't but still), it still points to the fact that this relationship isn't working.

 

One step at a time. Do the next thing (see the attorney) and go from there.

[pteromom]

My son is getting older.

he is very, very intelligent.

I think he is beginning to see the truth about his dad.

But he still is very manipulated and feels like he has to chose a "side".

 

It's your job to work on this with him. Never bad talk your husband, but it is ok to point out things in a way that doesn't make it someone's fault.

 

"It is time for us to move because your father and I aren't good together. There is too much anger, too much yelling, too much crying. I will never take you away from your dad, and I will never make you choose between us."

 

It's also a very good idea to get him into therapy. He needs intervention now or he has zero chance of growing up capable of having a healthy relationship.