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How do you cope if YOU were the one who left your ex for someone else, and regret it?

Terra312

By Terra312
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Terra312 New Member

Terra312

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I left my ex-boyfriend for another man. And although the other man has treated me better than ever, and is everything I ever wanted in a man - a day does not go by where I don't regret breaking my ex's heart.

 

The burden is extremely heavy and is eating away at me day, by day. I contacted my ex 3-4 months ago, apologizing for what I did to him, and he did accept my apology, but I don't think I'll ever forgive myself.

 

This forum has a lot of advice for people (mostly guys betrayed by girls) who have been abandoned, left, or cheated on. But I was wondering if there was any sort of advice that could help people who sincerely regret breaking a man's heart? I know there's no way I could ever fully redeem myself. I know I don't deserve happiness, and I deserve to go through every bit of this. And to be honest, it's not so much about me wanting to not feel this sense of guilt anymore, but it's more of this feeling of helplessness due to my inability to give my ex what he deserved. To prove to him that I did care, but my immaturity got the best of me. It's all just really depressing. I feel for everyone on here who has been heart-broken, and being one of those girls who heartlessly dumped an amazing guy for another - I am very ashamed of myself. Though karma has not gotten me back yet, is there any way I can cope with this more efficiently?

  • Like 1
Tinysteps New Member

Tinysteps

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Your post touched me quite a bit since I was in your ex's position last year. Perhaps not to the letter, since the reasons she gave were explicitly excluding that there was someone else. But a couple of months later I started to doubt her sincerity since she actually did move on to someone else, and in quite a big way. I guess what haunted me the most was that she never really gave me a chance to rectify our problems.

 

I guess the bottom line is, why did you leave your ex? Was it for a good reason even now in retrospect? Do you think it all could have been different if you gave it a chance? If you were truly unhappy then I don't think you need to be ashamed, but if it was just immaturity and wanting a fresh new beginning then you might need to re-evaluate how you make decisions. Would your ex be pained if you contacted him again? I think it's possible to get a sense of relief from getting closure or establishing some kind of friendship if both parts are OK with it. Even though many here would disagree.

 

At least you apologized. My ex did no such thing except during the actual breakup.

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Terra312 New Member

Terra312

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Your post touched me quite a bit since I was in your ex's position last year. Perhaps not to the letter, since the reasons she gave were explicitly excluding that there was someone else. But a couple of months later I started to doubt her sincerity since she actually did move on to someone else, and in quite a big way. I guess what haunted me the most was that she never really gave me a chance to rectify our problems.

 

I guess the bottom line is, why did you leave your ex? Was it for a good reason even now in retrospect? Do you think it all could have been different if you gave it a chance? If you were truly unhappy then I don't think you need to be ashamed, but if it was just immaturity and wanting a fresh new beginning then you might need to re-evaluate how you make decisions. Would your ex be pained if you contacted him again? I think it's possible to get a sense of relief from getting closure or establishing some kind of friendship if both parts are OK with it. Even though many here would disagree.

 

At least you apologized. My ex did no such thing except during the actual breakup.

 

Thank you so much for your response.

 

Thing was, even before I met the other guy, I knew things wouldn't work out with my ex. Although he was a great guy, and treated me well - he was my first relationship, I was immature, and just didn't know how to deal with things adequately. On top of that, my parents did not approve of me settling down with him. He wanted me to fight for him, and I just couldn't go against my parents. But when I met the new guy I found an easy way out of the relationship. I didn't want to lose the new guy over my ex since I knew that my relationship with my ex would never go anywhere anyway.

 

Wrongly so, I jumped into the new relationship to prevent myself from feeling the loss of my ex, and to prevent myself from facing the fact that I'd actually lost the first person I ever really considered settling with (my ex). In the midst of all this, I became cold towards my ex and shut him out and things ended. I came into realization of what I did 2-3 months after my ex and I stopped talking and I immediately apologized to him. My ex was willing to take me back, but I couldn't do it again, because I knew our relationship wouldn't work even if I went back to him.

 

At this point I don't even know what it will take for me to forgive myself (which I won't ever, anyway) Talking to my ex doesn't seem like the solution as I have already apologized. I guess I just want to know whether me continuing to feel like this is the only option until (and if) I wake up one day not feeling crappy for being the horrible person I was?

dclan Established Member

dclan

Posted
Posted
I left my ex-boyfriend for another man. And although the other man has treated me better than ever, and is everything I ever wanted in a man - a day does not go by where I don't regret breaking my ex's heart.

 

The burden is extremely heavy and is eating away at me day, by day. I contacted my ex 3-4 months ago, apologizing for what I did to him, and he did accept my apology, but I don't think I'll ever forgive myself.

 

This forum has a lot of advice for people (mostly guys betrayed by girls) who have been abandoned, left, or cheated on. But I was wondering if there was any sort of advice that could help people who sincerely regret breaking a man's heart? I know there's no way I could ever fully redeem myself. I know I don't deserve happiness, and I deserve to go through every bit of this. And to be honest, it's not so much about me wanting to not feel this sense of guilt anymore, but it's more of this feeling of helplessness due to my inability to give my ex what he deserved. To prove to him that I did care, but my immaturity got the best of me. It's all just really depressing. I feel for everyone on here who has been heart-broken, and being one of those girls who heartlessly dumped an amazing guy for another - I am very ashamed of myself. Though karma has not gotten me back yet, is there any way I can cope with this more efficiently?

 

I'm sorry but you are not exacly clear about what you want.

 

You want to get back together with him?

 

Or do you just want his forgiveness so you can absolv your guilt?

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Terra312 New Member

Terra312

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I'm sorry but you are not exacly clear about what you want.

 

You want to get back together with him?

 

Or do you just want his forgiveness so you can absolv your guilt?

 

He's already forgiven me, and initially I thought that that is all I needed to stop feeling what I am feeling. But despite his forgiveness I cannot seem to cope with all these emotions.

 

I'm just trying to figure out how other people who have betrayed their SO dealt with remorse and regret?

dclan Established Member

dclan

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He's already forgiven me, and initially I thought that that is all I needed to stop feeling what I am feeling. But despite his forgiveness I cannot seem to cope with all these emotions.

 

I'm just trying to figure out how other people who have betrayed their SO dealt with remorse and regret?

 

Well the first thing is finding the source of your guilt and regrett.

 

The most important thing would be:

 

a) Is it because you love him, and you hurt him by breaking his heart?

b) Is it because you would like to be with him, but you feel you can't?

c) Is it because you started dating someone else right away?

d) All of the above?

 

First try at least finding, what aspect of the break up you feel most guilty about. Then you can start analyzing that, and then you proceed to the lesser causes of your pain.

 

Which one is it?

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Terra312 New Member

Terra312

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Well the first thing is finding the source of your guilt and regrett.

 

The most important thing would be:

 

a) Is it because you love him, and you hurt him by breaking his heart?

b) Is it because you would like to be with him, but you feel you can't?

c) Is it because you started dating someone else right away?

d) All of the above?

 

First try at least finding, what aspect of the break up you feel most guilty about. Then you can start analyzing that, and then you proceed to the lesser causes of your pain.

 

Which one is it?

 

Thank you for your help.

 

It's all of the above minus 'because I love him' - if I loved him, I wouldn't have hurt him the way I did. I do care for him deeply, and sincerely hope he's happy - but it would be unfair for me to call that love. People who love one another don't behave the way I did.

 

As for the 'do I want to get back together with him' - I think a part of me does want to go back despite knowing it's not possible. And now, I already have someone else who's madly in love with me, and I couldn't possibly go back to my ex and then not regret doing the same thing to my current boyfriend. I know this sounds super complicated. I just feel stuck.

tikay00 Established Member

tikay00

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Remember that thread I had about what goes through a women's mind post break up? NVM, I already have a head ache. :confused:

 

But let's be real. You regret dumping him, because you want him back, but now you're being emotional, because he doesn't want you back, OR, you're confused as to why he's not blowing your phone up, and pining for you.

 

You feel stuck, because the guy that loves you with all his heart is starting to get boring, BECAUSE he's either smothering you, or because he DOES love you with all his heart, and women get bored when there's no drama sometimes.

 

Just my translation on what's going through your mind. Feel free to chew me out, and say I'm being a bone head. I'm just using my brutally honest judgement call on this.

Edited by tikay00
dclan Established Member

dclan

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Thank you for your help.

 

It's all of the above minus 'because I love him' - if I loved him, I wouldn't have hurt him the way I did. I do care for him deeply, and sincerely hope he's happy - but it would be unfair for me to call that love. People who love one another don't behave the way I did.

 

As for the 'do I want to get back together with him' - I think a part of me does want to go back despite knowing it's not possible. And now, I already have someone else who's madly in love with me, and I couldn't possibly go back to my ex and then not regret doing the same thing to my current boyfriend. I know this sounds super complicated. I just feel stuck.

 

Actually I disagree on that.

 

You may want to think it's probably not love, because in the end, why would you hurt him if you love him?

 

But if it wasn't maybe love...why would you be so hurt?

 

You behaved in a childish way. We all do, its our human nature. You left him and started dating someone else, hurting him even more.

 

But that doesn't mean you didn't love him, it just means that at the time you thought that being with him was not a good idea.

 

Unfortunatly our concept of love comes hand in hand with the idea of what we believe is best in life for us.

 

Let me put you an example:

 

You meet the most handomse guy, the most awsome guy, your one true love. You 2 are written in the stars.

 

He is a musician, rising on his way to stardom, and his life is going around on tours, playing gigs, etc.

 

He truly loves you. You love him to.

 

And you (lets say for the sake of this example) are a very conservative person, and want a traditional house + kids + barbacue every sunday, etc. You can't really take the life of a rockstar.

 

So you 2 love each other, are destined to be together....

 

Yet....

 

Your life goals are different, in fact, incompatible.

 

You will probably break up.

 

Yet...was it love?

 

As Oscar Wilde said:"Each man kills what they love".

 

So ponder on that for a minute, and think about it. Was it truly that you didn't love him? or was it because you and your family presumed the guy was not the best "choice" for what you want in life?

 

  • Like 1
SycamoreCircle Established Member

SycamoreCircle

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I am your boyfriend. In a manner of speaking. Here I am 7 months NC. Of course, I didn't get an apology. That was big of you. And now you've got this other guy in tow, yet you're thinking about me. Honestly.

 

Sorry to get on my soapbox but some people don't need to be in relationships. Some people need to take a trip to Southeast Asia. Some people need to volunteer at a cancer ward, learn cello or join a Meetup Spanish group. Masturbate and knit, join an all-women's softball league. Just stop dragging men into the eye of your storm.

 

Sincerely,

 

Your Boyfriend

  • Like 9
tikay00 Established Member

tikay00

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I am your boyfriend. In a manner of speaking. Here I am 7 months NC. Of course, I didn't get an apology. That was big of you. And now you've got this other guy in tow, yet you're thinking about me. Honestly.

 

Sorry to get on my soapbox but some people don't need to be in relationships. Some people need to take a trip to Southeast Asia. Some people need to volunteer at a cancer ward, learn cello or join a Meetup Spanish group. Masturbate and knit, join an all-women's softball league. Just stop dragging men into the eye of your storm.

 

Sincerely,

 

Your Boyfriend

 

*strong hand clap*

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stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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If you weren't in love with your ex you certainly did the right thing by breaking up with him. Everyone has the right to be with someone they love. Yes it hurt him and he will or has grieved and will move on. Maybe he will one day be in your position and have to break anothers heart. You have now freed him up to find the love of his life. Everyone gets hurt at some point in this journey, its just life. Stop being hard on yourself about it. I'm sure he appreciated your apology and now he has and is moving on.

loversquarrel Established Member

loversquarrel

Posted
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Sounds like your parents made the decision for you. Of course you're going to feel bad about it, you were pressured in that decision from outside sources. The relationship ended in an unnatural way and you may always be thinking to yourself the possibility of what if. Kind of leaves one with a feeling of "the one that got away".

 

My wife's parents didn't approve of her marrying me because I was divorced. She made the choice of choosing what she wanted over her parents disapproval. Every family is different, and I know that pressure is very, very difficult to overcome, but some day you might be forced to make that decision without their blessing.

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Terra312 New Member

Terra312

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@Dclan,

 

You put things into perspective, thank you so much for that. Perhaps I did love him, and just didn’t realize it until much later. If I was only feeling guilt, my guilt wouldhave subsided after he accepted my apology and after I realized that he has moved on. But I guess there is no point of anything now. I guess my only option is to deal with what I’m feeling and try to not make the same mistakes with mycurrent boyfriend?

dclan Established Member

dclan

Posted
Posted (edited)
@Dclan,

 

You put things into perspective, thank you so much for that. Perhaps I did love him, and just didn’t realize it until much later. If I was only feeling guilt, my guilt wouldhave subsided after he accepted my apology and after I realized that he has moved on. But I guess there is no point of anything now. I guess my only option is to deal with what I’m feeling and try to not make the same mistakes with mycurrent boyfriend?

 

But the question remains, do you love your current boyfriend? or do you love your ex?

 

You see, to me it seems that you'd rather be with your current boyfriend, because you think that your ex is "not a good match for you". Not because you are "in love" with your current boyfriend (I'm not saying that you don't have feelings for your current bf, thats just the impresion I get from your posts).

 

Now...if your relationship ended because your ex boyfriend wasn't a good candidate for your ultimate life plan...is there a chance he could change?

 

Because let me tell you something people DO change over time, the problems is that sometimes in a relationship, people find themselves in different stages of life, which creates a sort of incompatibility at that time.

 

For example:

 

Lets say you are both 25 years old, maybe you are ready for marriage and kids, and he is not even considering it at this point. So you want someting, he wants another thing, you guys break up.

 

Maybe if you guys meet 3 years later, he will be in a stage in which he wants marriage and kids, so you'd probably be right for each other after all.

 

Now the reason I'm telling you all this is because, you and your ex haven't been broken up for much (3-4 months), so you'd still be in time to fix things. Of course it could take a lot of work.

 

Another thing is your parents aproval. I understand your probably very close with your family, however I would suggest you not to let your parents run your life for you. One of the things about growing up is actually living your own life, and making your own choices.

 

Even if your choices suck and end up being the wrong ones, at least you were the one that decided things, so they'll just become life lessons. Its ok to take your parents advice and opinion, but take it just as that, an opinion. Parents, in most cases, give you advice based on what the want for you, not on what is best for you (of course they think that what they want, is best).

 

But if you realise that the one you want is your ex, then you should think about doing something, and not waste much more time.

 

I mean, the worst thing that could happen to you, would be realising in 6 months that you love your ex and want to be with him, and he has completly move on from you. At THAT point you'll be truly sad.

 

PS: ignore the people that are posting trash against you; in here you are the dumper, so you are the "enemy" so please ignore those posts :lmao::bunny:

Edited by dclan
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JustJoe Established Member

JustJoe

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Perhaps, the best thing for you to do, is NOT get into such dramatic relationships until you are older and more mature? You are young. there is plenty of time to get serious, when you know more about yourself and can maintain a positive relationship. Right now, you are regretting breaking up, PLUS, you are not being fair to your current BF, by thinking about your EX. Are you? Does your BF know how you feel? Does he know that you still have feelings for your EX? Is it fair to him, for you to be dwelling on your past relationship? You really don't need a steady BF, as you are not mature enough to handle the emotions involved. Take some time off, and learn about YOU, before you commit to anybody else.

SycamoreCircle Established Member

SycamoreCircle

Posted
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PS: ignore the people that are posting trash against you; in here you are the dumper, so you are the "enemy" so please ignore those posts :lmao::bunny:

 

The advice I gave, however snarky the package, took into account that now 3 men are effectively involved in the OP's confusion. Figuring out who one is and how one relates to people, outside of a sexual relationship, is very real and trustworthy advice and the type I would press upon my ex were she ever to reach out to me.

dclan Established Member

dclan

Posted
Posted
The advice I gave, however snarky the package, took into account that now 3 men are effectively involved in the OP's confusion. Figuring out who one is and how one relates to people, outside of a sexual relationship, is very real and trustworthy advice and the type I would press upon my ex were she ever to reach out to me.

 

Yes she is involved in a love triangle. Who hasn't?:bunny::laugh::lmao:

 

I agree she's been childish, but she is just human :o.

 

This kind of posts are actually very helpful for every dumpee here in the forum.

 

Because it shows in the end that the dumper isn't some sort of monster terrorizing the villagers, that must be purged with fire. Dumpers are just human beings that make bad choices all the time, like everyone else.

 

Today I ordered a double extra chesse pizza, and I got one with onion topings. Should I crucify the delivery guy for it? No not really...:o

 

Just, happens.

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loversquarrel Established Member

loversquarrel

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not every dumper makes a bad decision.

dclan Established Member

dclan

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not every dumper makes a bad decision.

 

I'm talking about any aspect of the break up. The bad decision is sometimes the way in which they choose to break up, other times is the reasons, others the breakup itself, and most of the times the lies they say; and yes I agreee that not every dumper makes a bad decision.

 

But in 99.9999% of the cases, most dumpers handle things in a very selfish way, which is indeed a bad decision. That is why, months later, some dumpers feel guilt (those that are capable of having such feeling), not for ending it, but how they ended it.

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Terra312 New Member

Terra312

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@Dclan,

 

 

I don’t mind the ‘trash’ talk. I deserve it. And I do understand where Synmacore is coming from. I know I’ve been cruel and horrible– I acknowledge all of that. I also acknowledge that perhaps my boyfriend does NOT need my presence, apology, guilt or whatever else and life isn’t all about relationships. That isn’t really the point of my post anyway. I was just tryingto get some insight from people who have perhaps been in a similar situation,and their experience in how they forgave themselves and moved on from feeling regret and remorse (if ever)

 

 

But anyway, this is spot on. I felt like I didn’t have achoice of continuing to be with him. I HAD to end it as a result of being emotionally blackmailed by my parents. My biggest mistake, however, was the wayI ended it, and got into another relationship very fast. I think I did it toprevent myself from feeling the pain of losing my ex. But little did I knowthat I would have to eventually face it, even IF I had another guy (like mycurrent bf) who was providing me with everything I lost and even more.

 

I just don’t know where to go from here, and how to dealwith all these emotions. Being single entails of breaking my currents bf’sheart, and I don’t want to do to him what I did to my ex as I’m already facing the consequences.

Edited by Terra312
frigginlost Established Member

frigginlost

Posted
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@Dclan,

I just don’t know where to go from here, and how to dealwith all these emotions. Being single entails of breaking my currents bf’sheart, and I don’t want to do to him what I did to my ex as I’m already facing the consequences.

 

Your answer is right there...

Toodaloo Established Member

Toodaloo

Posted
Posted
I am your boyfriend. In a manner of speaking. Here I am 7 months NC. Of course, I didn't get an apology. That was big of you. And now you've got this other guy in tow, yet you're thinking about me. Honestly.

 

Sorry to get on my soapbox but some people don't need to be in relationships. Some people need to take a trip to Southeast Asia. Some people need to volunteer at a cancer ward, learn cello or join a Meetup Spanish group. Masturbate and knit, join an all-women's softball league. Just stop dragging men into the eye of your storm.

 

Sincerely,

 

Your Boyfriend

 

So glad someone said it...

 

Terra - what a load of drama. Leave both of them be, Leave the other great guys be. Don't touch until you are going to stop this and start being honest. Being honest sometimes means that you have to have balls and just rip that damned plaster off.

 

What is cruel and horrible is keeping these guys dangling for ages while your being wishy washy. Stop it.

 

So you broke up with someone. What you are actually feeling guilty about is that you moved on so fast and that you wanted it to work but it didn't. You are mourning what could have been but not what was. Be straight and honest with them. They will go to their man cave, lick their wounds and get over you. Thats what people do.

 

They are not going to spend the next 10 years pinning over you. Get that out of your head.

 

What will have happened is that your ex (and soon to be ex) will go away spend some time with their mates, then go on to live their lives happily. You are not breaking their hearts you are setting them free so they can find someone that does love them. now thats not so bad is it?

  • Like 1
dclan Established Member

dclan

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@Dclan,

 

 

I don’t mind the ‘trash’ talk. I deserve it. And I do understand where Synmacore is coming from. I know I’ve been cruel and horrible– I acknowledge all of that. I also acknowledge that perhaps my boyfriend does NOT need my presence, apology, guilt or whatever else and life isn’t all about relationships. That isn’t really the point of my post anyway. I was just tryingto get some insight from people who have perhaps been in a similar situation,and their experience in how they forgave themselves and moved on from feeling regret and remorse (if ever)

 

 

But anyway, this is spot on. I felt like I didn’t have achoice of continuing to be with him. I HAD to end it as a result of being emotionally blackmailed by my parents. My biggest mistake, however, was the wayI ended it, and got into another relationship very fast. I think I did it toprevent myself from feeling the pain of losing my ex. But little did I knowthat I would have to eventually face it, even IF I had another guy (like mycurrent bf) who was providing me with everything I lost and even more.

 

I just don’t know where to go from here, and how to dealwith all these emotions. Being single entails of breaking my currents bf’sheart, and I don’t want to do to him what I did to my ex as I’m already facing the consequences.

 

Well first of all, lets talk about your current boyfriend situation. I get it that you don't want to break another heart...but is it fair for him to just be a replacement for the one you really seem to love? Its seems to me your current boyfriend, despite being a terrific guy, is sort of a placeholder for what you think its right in your life.

 

Of course he might get hurt, we get hurt all the time. Its just a part of life. But just like you couldn't be with your ex because you thought it wasn't right, you shouldn't be with your current bf just because you are afraid to hurt him.

 

Second of all, have you actually told your ex boyfriend everything you ve said here? Did you tell him the reason you broke up with him? and the reason you started dating someone new?

 

You apologised to him yes, but maybe you haven't told him everything. The whole story. The thing about your parents, and how you've been thinking about him for a long time. About how you miss him, and how devastated you are for the whole issue.

 

Maybe if you tell him, and see his reaction, maybe you'll know what to do.

Honestly, I think this can have 2 different outcomes:

 

1) He rejects you, you get hurt, but at least you finally get closure. You realise that you've finally said to him the whole story, you speak from your heart,and if he doesn't want to forgive you, you'll get hurt, but at least NOW you'll know you have to move on, and that he is not the person you are meant to be.

 

2) He accepts what you say, and starts pondering about the whole issue, which may lead to some sort of reconciliation, or at least to talk about it. And oh well....maybe you guys make it, maybe you break up again, but at least you'll know you tried, and if it doesn't work next time, then you'll know for sure it wasn't meant to be.

 

Finally, regarding your guilt issues...you are not a monster. Don't think that you sort of "deserve" some kind of punishment for what you did. Getting your heart broken is part of life.

 

People can't just choose to have the good moments in life, and not experiencing the side effect of getting hurt. When people decide they want to be in a relationship with someone, they need to realise that there is a chance that things might not end well. Everyone should know that. The problem is that we tend to think our life is a fairy tale, where every story ends in a happily ever after.

 

And life doesn't work that way.

SycamoreCircle Established Member

SycamoreCircle

Posted
Posted

OP, I just got a dose of reality---you said that your parents "emotionally blackmailed" you. My ex, and I'm not being snarky here, used those exact words but...on me.

 

I've looked emotional blackmail up, but I'm curious to know what you mean by it? I don't ask this just for my own benefit. I think clarification on this point will open up something else about your situation.

 

So, please, clarify...

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