Do married men really love their wives?

[Redheaded Mistress]

This might sound bad but I would kinda understand a man who has been married for 20, 30, 40 plus years dying to sample some new tail but a marriage that young? Aren't the first few years like the honeymoon phase or the "good years"? Shouldn't you guys only be hot for each other?

 

We are still in our honeymoon phase, but we were deeply in love and invested in each other when we got married.

 

Not everybody is.

 

Sounds like this guy isn't.

[jackslife]

The kids and the cash.

 

Sounds brutal but this what it comes down to.

[cocorico]

I mean HE married her didn't he? There must have been Something like Real Love there, right?

 

Not necessarily. People marry for many reasons, of which love is only one.

 

To answer the OP's question, though - it depends. Some claim they do, and are just "broken" which drives them to infidelity.

 

Others don't - however strongly they deny it - and harbour feelings of anger, resentment, or just plain indifference to the BW.

 

My H felt sorry for his xBW, which is probably all he'd ever really felt for her. Certainly reading their old "love letters", you don't get a sense of passion or attraction; more a sense of a damaged person seeking solace from a kid who wants to be a white knight and save the world... and later a sense of trying, trying, but never being good enough. Always being put down, blamed, ridiculed. I'm sure there was a great deal of suppressed anger, resentment, bitterness built up over the decades. So when he fell in love with me, he fell heavily.

 

The guy you describe sounds like he has many different things going on.

[Khy89]

It just seems like people always tell the OW that married man will never leave his wife (like he loves her so much) when in reality it's mainly because of kids or legal aspects. I think only the man comes out the winner in this sitaution...BOTH women are being played but the mistress has it better because she can walk away ( although painful) much more readily than a wife can...I don't think wives and OW's should worry about "one upping" each other because they are both losers in this game the MM is playing in IMO... Whether or not a man loves his mistress is irrelevant because what we know for certain is if he truly loved his wife then this other person wouldn't be there in the first place...IJS

[Sub]

I think only the man comes out the winner in this sitaution...

 

Only from his perspective in that moment. Long term, everyone loses in some regard.

[elaine567]

I totally agree that if a man marries a woman there MUST be something but this guy in particular was thirsty to be married period. He was obsessed with another girl who shot him down and then he met and married his wife quickly after. I just don't understand people playing with marriage like this... I guess my whole question points to why don't these men just stay single??

 

This was obviously a rebound relationship that ended up as a marriage.

I am sure he married his wife to punish this other girl and to show this other girl she meant nothing to him and that his wife was his true love, when more likely than not it was the other way around.

Cheating before the marriage is not a sign that he was head over heels in love with his now wife.

His cheating may be an inherent defect, he may just like being unfaithful, he may not respect the marriage, but it may actually be his way of trying to get rid of his wife without having to sit her down and tell her to go.

He keeps cheating in the hope she will just leave.

 

BTW who does he cheat with, one person or multiple random people?

[central]

Of course a man can love more than one woman. If his wife knows and approves, it's called polyamory. If she doesn't know or approve, it's called cheating.

[anika99]

I totally agree that if a man marries a woman there MUST be something but this guy in particular was thirsty to be married period. He was obsessed with another girl who shot him down and then he met and married his wife quickly after. I just don't understand people playing with marriage like this... I guess my whole question points to why don't these men just stay single??

 

One the one hand you are asking a very general question; Do cheating MM love their wives, and on the other hand you are asking about a specific situation; Does this specific cheating MM love his wife.

 

 

The general question is difficult to answer because there is more than one way to look at it. The first response is usually, no, a cheating MM cannot love his wife because a person would never hurt or betray a person they truly loved. However, the way a cheater loves or perceives love may be different than the majority. A cheater may very well have some unhealthy ideas about love. He may have narcissistic tendencies, he may be passive aggressive, he may have learned poor coping techniques from a dysfunctional family and his ability to love anyone may be severely limited. So he might love his wife in the unhealthy way that he experiences love.

 

 

Now the MM in your specific situation sounds like a seriously damaged individual. He has cheated on his wife repeatedly in just a few years of marriage and he married his wife just to get back at an ex? He is no good for anyone and I doubt very much that he loves his wife or his OW. His OW should be taking a good look at how he treats other people and realize that this man is no prize for anyone. This specific situation isn't even about if he loves his wife or not, it's about does he have a shred of integrity or decency and it doesn't look like he does. He's a major creep.

[Khy89]

Only from his perspective in that moment. Long term, everyone loses in some regard.

Oh I agree! I just means in terms that because a man stuck by his wife that it is certainly not a prize that he did.

[Khy89]

This was obviously a rebound relationship that ended up as a marriage.

I am sure he married his wife to punish this other girl and to show this other girl she meant nothing to him and that his wife was his true love, when more likely than not it was the other way around.

Cheating before the marriage is not a sign that he was head over heels in love with his now wife.

His cheating may be an inherent defect, he may just like being unfaithful, he may not respect the marriage, but it may actually be his way of trying to get rid of his wife without having to sit her down and tell her to go.

He keeps cheating in the hope she will just leave.

 

BTW who does he cheat with, one person or multiple random people?

Random people for the most part.

[Khy89]

This was obviously a rebound relationship that ended up as a marriage.

I am sure he married his wife to punish this other girl and to show this other girl she meant nothing to him and that his wife was his true love, when more likely than not it was the other way around.

Cheating before the marriage is not a sign that he was head over heels in love with his now wife.

His cheating may be an inherent defect, he may just like being unfaithful, he may not respect the marriage, but it may actually be his way of trying to get rid of his wife without having to sit her down and tell her to go.

He keeps cheating in the hope she will just leave.

 

BTW who does he cheat with, one person or multiple random people?

The girl he was obessed with decided to get back with her ex and dropped him and went NC with him against his will...he then got married less than a year later...

[Khy89]

One the one hand you are asking a very general question; Do cheating MM love their wives, and on the other hand you are asking about a specific situation; Does this specific cheating MM love his wife.

 

 

The general question is difficult to answer because there is more than one way to look at it. The first response is usually, no, a cheating MM cannot love his wife because a person would never hurt or betray a person they truly loved. However, the way a cheater loves or perceives love may be different than the majority. A cheater may very well have some unhealthy ideas about love. He may have narcissistic tendencies, he may be passive aggressive, he may have learned poor coping techniques from a dysfunctional family and his ability to love anyone may be severely limited. So he might love his wife in the unhealthy way that he experiences love.

 

 

Now the MM in your specific situation sounds like a seriously damaged individual. He has cheated on his wife repeatedly in just a few years of marriage and he married his wife just to get back at an ex? He is no good for anyone and I doubt very much that he loves his wife or his OW. His OW should be taking a good look at how he treats other people and realize that this man is no prize for anyone. This specific situation isn't even about if he loves his wife or not, it's about does he have a shred of integrity or decency and it doesn't look like he does. He's a major creep.

IDK if he married his wife to get back at the ex...thats just how the sequence of events happened..

[elaine567]

Of course if he was badly let down by the other girl who went back to her ex, he may still be grieving/hankering after her and the cheating may just be a symptom of that unhappiness.

Being dumped by someone who you are obsessed with, is a difficult experience and though it hardly excuses his behaviour, it perhaps explains it.

His ego will have taken a bruising and the rebound relationship may not be enough to get him back on course.

He may feel he has to get back at womankind, he may feel that being "desired" by random people, makes him feel better about himself.

 

It may be that his relationship with his wife is wanting somehow compared to the "lost" relationship, either physically or emotionally or both, and he needs to get that fix elsewhere.

 

Of course he may also be a serial cheater who was dumped by his ex, because he just couldn't keep it in his pants and so it continues...

[Woggle]

I just can't see you can love somebody and then betray their trust and be okay with it. I could never live with myself if I betrayed her. Her trust is a gift to me and destroying it would not be the actions of somebody who loves her. The same applies the other way.

[redtail]

I think that some men may prefer to be with the second woman but life isn't perfect...

 

For me, your title and this statement conflict. Your title suggests that it is questionable that a married man could/would/should really love his wife, that the marriage, for men at least, is somewhat of a facade.

 

But the statement that "some may prefer" suggests that it is not inherent in all men, but rather a choice, a matter of character, or a matter of personality that causes some men to choose the life style of marriage/cheating.

 

I side with the latter notion...

[Sub]

Of course a man can love more than one woman. If his wife knows and approves, it's called polyamory. If she doesn't know or approve, it's called cheating.

 

This brings up an interesting point about the concept of what "love" is, though. If we see it as a one-way street, where its definition depends only on the person doing the loving, then we can all love as many people as we want. But it's not, IMO. Especially in the context of a mutually agreed upon monogamous relationship. You can say you love someone until you're blue in the face, but if they feel unloved, feel neglected, hurt, etc....did you really love them?

[central]

To me, love is when feelings and actions align consistently.

 

The object of your affection has no part in this. They can hate you while you love and act lovingly. They can even love you back and be unhappy because you are not showing your love via actions that they value. You may love them and feel unloved back even if they feel and act lovingly, if they are not doing it in ways that you interpret as loving.

 

So, love is only mutually wonderful when both feel love for each other and both act in ways that the object of their affection interprets as loving actions.

 

It can get complicated when you have several mutually loving relationships under my definition - but not impossible.

[truncated]

How many married men and women atually answered the question? Most of them seem to be from ow or bs giivng what they would like to think the answer is. Wishful thinking?

 

I will give my answer, though it may not be worth much.

 

My husabnd and I joined a support group with other parents who had experinced loss. From time to time, guest speakers would be invited, and one of them, who is a noted psychologist, spoke about the prevalence of cheating in husbands and wives who are grieving. From what she said, this is not due to a lack of love, but, paradoxically, it's because they love their spouse. They know thier husband or wife is hurting too, and don't want to add to that buy unburdening their grief onto them. They turn this outwards, and may form a friendship with someone else that can become far too close, and eventualy an A happens.

As the sayng goes, it all comes out in the wash, and the A is discovered, usualy to end then and there. Some couples are abe to use this to further their healing.

 

If lack of love is not a factor in that situtaion, then I don't expect it is in other situations either. Some, for sure there is zero love, but in others, there very much is love, though what value that love holds may not be much.

[troubledhusband]

Up to about 3 months when she asked me for divorce a second year in a row I loved her dearly. I came to realize that she might have never really loved me.

 

So yes, married man do love their wives even if they don't show it daily as myself. Some are willing to forget even the most unspeakable acts those "confused" women commit out of hope for a better relationship in the future. But one can only overlook so many things before the hope dies completely.

 

If it wasn't for my love to my wife... we would have never even lasted two years in marriage.

[Tinroof53]

Well yea 20 years of history is alot to throw away! But I'm referring to a couple who have only known each other 4 years, married 3 and this guy has cheated while they were dating and then right before the wedding and then some more times since then! Way too much to only be married 3 years...there are no biological kids involved...

 

This doesn't show he loves any woman. It shows he's selfish and unable to be faithful.

 

Don't think he would become any different if he had you as his wife. His type cheats because it gives him an ego feed/a high.

 

No matter who he's with he will still look for his next high.

 

Yes, he could love her but still cheat due to his lack of character.

 

 

Be careful he's likely to really hurt you.

Edited November 8, 2014 by Tinroof53

[velvette]

Or is it just easier for the kids or the legal aspects of it? I mean why would you cheat over and over if you truly loved your spouse?

 

Hi I'm new here and just thought I could learn some things

 

Why is it that people are so quick to assume that a married man can't love another woman and if he's interested in another woman it's all about sex? How do we know this man even loves his wife? If they have only been married a few years and he cheated the whole time how does he even love his wife but not this other woman?

 

FYI I am not in this situation, I just don't understand why people assume that a husbands stays is because of love and loyalty...I mean sometimes it's cheaper t keep her...I think that some men may prefer to be withthe second woman but life isn't perfect...

 

 

I think the cheaper to keep her idea is silly. I know in my H case it was way cheaper for him to pay child support and temporary alimony than to turn over his whole check to his exW. Even his exW lifestyle did not change for more than a year or two. We all went on to have more money and his kids have the benefit of money from 4 working adults.

 

 

In our M, either one of us could leave today and while it would be a pain to sort out the money, it would not affect one iota either of our abilities to live in the style we live now. And, especially in a very short marriage, it cant possibly be true imo.

[Khy89]

This doesn't show he loves any woman. It shows he's selfish and unable to be faithful.

 

Don't think he would become any different if he had you as his wife. His type cheats because it gives him an ego feed/a high.

 

No matter who he's with he will still look for his next high.

 

Yes, he could love her but still cheat due to his lack of character.

 

 

Be careful he's likely to really hurt you.

I am not personally invovled (as in I am not a party) in this sitaution.

[Khy89]

I think the cheaper to keep her idea is silly. I know in my H case it was way cheaper for him to pay child support and temporary alimony than to turn over his whole check to his exW. Even his exW lifestyle did not change for more than a year or two. We all went on to have more money and his kids have the benefit of money from 4 working adults.

 

 

In our M, either one of us could leave today and while it would be a pain to sort out the money, it would not affect one iota either of our abilities to live in the style we live now. And, especially in a very short marriage, it cant possibly be true imo.

I agree with you that it's cheaper to keep her is silly, it's just a quote I've heard before. All I really knw about this couple's financial sitaution is that he makes the most money and she can't afford to get her own place, not even an apartment. The house was his long before he met her. Would you have to pay child support for step children?

[elaine567]

I just don't understand why people assume that a husbands stays is because of love and loyalty...I mean sometimes it's cheaper to keep her...

 

 

I do think that although it may not be totally about finances, it may be also be about the other aspects of what being married is about, the status, the house, the garage, the garden, the garden shed, the neighbourhood, the neighbours, the friends, their entire social scene,... etc.

Many people get very attached to where they live, it may not be love for the wife that keeps them at home.

[MikeDsub]

I have no kids and just celebrated our 42nd year of marriage. We love each other deeply and show it every day. We are each other's best friends and do most things together. We live to please each other and the sex is even better now than it used to be.

 

 

I see where you are coming from though. I used to travel almost half a year and the guys I was with often cheated on their wives. Even the woman did.

 

 

You may think me a prude but my wife and I have led an alternate lifestyle that included other people at times, one female for close to 40 years. We tried many things and our love for each other never made any kink or fetish become a problem for us. Perhaps because we never had kids and always found a way to spice up or rekindle our sex life, we kept our love alive.

 

 

I believe you have to work at your marriage and communicate. Although some downplay it, I believe that sex is a very important part of marriage. It releases hormones that bond you together and is a concrete expression of your attraction and love for each other. We moved 13 times because when we found ourselves in a rut, a new start somewhere else was always exciting. We brought other people into our sex life at times to spice things up or just to try something different. We did what it took to keep our love going. So yes, you can love your wife for no other reason than you love who she is and what she does for you.